Protector Parenting - Teaching Your Loved Ones

Protector Parenting - Teaching Your Loved Ones

For the "alphas" out there we may train in a variety of self-defense topics - martial arts, firearms, or whatever else that makes you a ninja.  In most cases, these sorts of folks tend to be the ones that imagine they'll always be there for their loved ones should trouble come to visit.  In reality, unless you're with those you love 24/7, there will be many times that these loved ones need to be self-sufficient.  If you've got kids, you hope that they'll have most of their lives out with their own families, not under your wing.  Similarly, if you're the "big dog" the chances of "someone behaving badly" with you there are probably much slimmer than them behaving badly when your wife/kids/etc are by themselves.  

If you call for a 
firefighter, ask for 
one with shoes.  

This isn't to say that you should load your toddler up with their own plate carrier, gas mask, and AR with custom firing lanes from their nursery.  It does mean that you need to have serious, intentional, and proactive conversations with them regarding the various threats and hazards they may interact with.  This is a repetitive process as your kids grow to help keep age-appropriate examples and top-of-mind level awareness.  The teaching conversations shouldn't be fear based where they begin to believe there are boogeymen and monsters everywhere which leads to paranoia.  It should be empowering based and targeted around the real threats they may more likely encounter.  

A few important principles in teaching your loved ones, particularly your loved ones is to start with a threat/hazard risk analysis.  Largely, no point in taking hurricanes if you live far inland, or super violent encounters if you live out in the boonies.  Not to say that things can't happen anywhere, but really look at statistics and focus your training on the "gray rhinos" instead of the "black swans."  In other words, focus your efforts on the statistically likely encounters and keep your response actions broad enough to be widely applicable to many hazards.  

As you're working through your training program, consider the things that are more likely to happen as well as those with high consequences.  This combination of factors helps you prioritize what you'll likely need to focus on.  For example, the boogeyman, non-custodial abduction is a near 0% chance of occurring as compared to a child getting lost at the store.  In both cases, we can talk, not about "stranger-danger" which approaches the topic from a fear-based and secretive perspective, but rather in identifying "helpers."  Helpers could be folks in uniform, have name tags, or other moms with small children with them.  Teach and practice breaking down the fear barriers of approaching those helpers in routine encounters so that the first time they may have to do so, isn't when they're already running high on adrenaline and fear because they look up and can't spot you.  Role-play and practice this concept.  Give them several tools for getting attention - a polite Q&A approach, a scream at the top of your lungs "I need help" permission or something else that makes sense for you that they can load into their toolbox and later discern what to use if an emergency arises.  

Once you start teaching, focus on those cross-cutting basics like situational awareness, alert & warning, evacuation, shelter-in-place, and such.  The idea here is to build a wide-based toolbox that your loved ones can access when trouble arises with appropriate tools.  The idea isn't to build ninjas...the idea is to help grow intelligent, self-reliant folks who can manage the world around them.  

Seek opportunities to practice component skills.

An important part of teaching and learning is to gamify the situation and information.  For example, with situational awareness, you can turn it into a game with your kids that when you go to new places, have them seek out exits, help them to notice things "off of baseline," or turn it into a game of "who can notice the new things" in scavenger hunt fashion.  Kim's Game from Rudyard Kipling is a great example of how you can add some gamesmanship to a topic.  The idea here is to build their "powers of paying attention" muscles through routine use so that they can focus them on a particular target when needed later (i.e. finding a helper if they're lost).  

With any skill, you want to develop or maintain, deliberate practice is the mechanism to get it done.  By using the crawl-walk-run approach we can talk about something like a fire drill/evacuating the house.  We can then practice it at low speed/low stress to get the mechanics and the warning signs down.  Then, over time we can escalate the stress and context to work with our kids to practice it in new ways that reinforce prior learning.  Ultimately, we can exercise it to help them be empowered to take action independently and on their own through scenario-based exercise scenarios.  

Ultimately, aim for resilience and keep it fun 
along the way.

Lastly, consider doing some family learning opportunities where you are all vulnerable and learn together.  This could be taking a martial arts class, going camping, taking a class on HAM radio, doing first aid training, or something else that makes you all generally more prepared and shows that learning is a lifelong process, not a destination.  The idea here is that you won't (possibly or maybe even likely) be with your loved one when "the test" comes to pass in an emergency.  Building a family that is capable of responding individually is critical.  If a dangerous situation ever comes to pass for you, hopefully, you see it from a mile away through your crosshairs in an overwatch position or can call in an air strike...just in case that's not the reality, make sure you train those you love to be able to handle their business.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Talk about the three most likely items that may impact your family negatively.  Brainstorm three courses of action (with your loved ones) for each of the three possible hazards.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Commit to a crawl-walk-run training/exercise regime on your biggest threat/hazard.  This should culminate in a scenario-based exercise that leaves your loved one feeling successful and empowered.  
• If age-appropriate, practice calling 911, talking to strangers, asking for help, recognizing an emerging issue, and working through some potential responses.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Family Safety Night - https://www.zeroabuseproject.org/victim-assistance/jwrc/keep-kids-safe/family-safety-night/

- How to Prepare for Everything, Aaron Titus - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=invVSKqMc-o

- Left of Bang - https://www.amazon.com/Left-Bang-Marine-Combat-Program/dp/1936891301