Failure matters. We grow more from what stresses us or gives us friction than what smoothly happens in our lives. In other words, we often grow and learn more from our losses than our wins. To that end, one of the best gifts we can give our children is the gift of failure. To do so best is to do failure smartly and like anything else we cross the finish line through consistent practice...that includes practicing failure. We'll talk about how to "best" fail with a few mantras or pointers.
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Study...before you
jump out. |
Fail safe. We talk about how failure shouldn't be fatal or final...that's doubly important for our children. Coming from a background including jumping out of airplanes and running into fires, having a training/exercise environment to build sound risk management is important. It's also critical to have someone leading you in those early moments of practice before you get good enough. In this case, you as the parent need to make sure that those early teaching moments of, say jumping off of something, isn't the roof. Skinning a knee...necessary. Breaking your arm in three places...frowned upon. When you're helping your children learn how to fail...make sure it isn't too physically or psychologically damaging to be a permanent training scar that will hang them up for years to come.
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Try the
model first. |
Fail fast.
When we talk about failing fast, it means playing the game...until it's time to walk away. It also means setting the conditions for success early and keeping an eye on the end zone. In a recent Space X mega-rocket launch, the crew had selected a fairly low bar for success and anything north of that was gravy. That attitude allows them to learn through doing...instead of sitting on innovation for decades until it was "just perfect" before giving it a try. Another part of failing fast is cutting your losses as we've
talked about before.
We've all heard or seen stories of those who may gamble, and get way ahead only to watch it come crashing down around them in spectacular fashion. Whether it be at the casino table, stock market trading desk, cryptocurrency mouse click, or in your home...once you've won the game, toss in the towel at the top.
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They're not quite
1 horse-power worth
...yet... |
Fail forward. Failure only works when you allow it to help you grow, develop, and move forward. Theadage, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...except for bears...bears kill you" rings true. I've had friends expand on that phrase that they should be the strongest person ever by now. Similarly, during boot camp, I remember our military training instructor (MTI) or "drill sergeant" reminding us between bouts of physical conditioning that he might not have the smartest group by the end of our time with him...but we'd darn sure be the strongest. He made it pretty clear that for each little failure, we'd get stronger...literally because we'd get down and "beat our face" with pushups. These early lessons in taking failure to move you forward...instead of wallowing in your sadness were huge. In the moment, those extra pushups sucked to be sure. In hindsight, that extra "attention" we were shown helped make us stronger for the challenges we'd face later. It also helped us realize that the consequences of failure weren't that bad...a few extra pushups...I can do that. While perhaps not as immediate or clear in your life, look for opportunities to understand the consequence, lean into it, and learn from it.
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Fixing a cactus
flat tire with
pliers. |
Fail early. In those early years, our consequences tend to be smaller (childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood). In those early years, we also get the benefit of "compound lessons" through failure. Say we are comfortable with taking risks we can learn from those mistakes and grow, then learn again and grow, and so forth. I've got folks in our circle who are pretty much the same person (same plain vanilla job, house, car, etc.) as 20 years ago. I've got other friends who have jumped, bounced, learned, grown, and adapted to exciting lifestyles...that are far from
plain vanilla...no sprinkles.
Another reason to get started early on risk is that the longer we go without failure, the more "shocking" it is to us when it does occur. When we stack up only wins (every kid gets a trophy) we condition ourselves to only win. Life doesn't work that way...failure does (and should) happen. Growing up, I had a propensity to only "play where I could win." My Win/Loss ratio was pretty good and that served me decently well right up until that first, big, legit loss...and for a time it was crippling, devastating, traumatic. Now, looking back at the naïve kid I was then, I can recognize that first big failure as one of those "blessings in disguise." That experience helped prepare some callouses and scars that would be necessary to go through other bumps in later adulthood.
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Feather hunting in Glacier
National Park. |
We can build our risk management muscles early through trial and error...but that means you can't be
scared of failure...and you have to take risks. That is unfamiliar territory for some folks...but rarely is failure fatal...and if it is, you might even get a Darwin award. Often times we overestimate and dramatize the failure out there which freezes us from taking a risk. For example, you might talk up a job loss as catastrophic...lose your house, your car, your family. In reality, "I was looking for a job when I found this one." Rarely do the real consequences of a risk gone wrong rise to the level we built it to in our head.
Fail fast, fail forward, fail often enough...help your kids do the same. Pivoting and learning from failure is critical. We have had several business "learning moments" where our best-laid plans didn't go according to plan. We've ooched and switched and continue to evolve...and that's okay. The setbacks, hurdles, and roadblocks have all been opportunities to learn and grow...if we let them. Many of those failures have stung...and that's okay too. We're still here. So will you be. Go fail!
With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!
Call to Action:
- Pick out a couple of areas that you will help your children fail in this month. Scaffold it and coach them through the
failure growth opportunity. - 1 - ___________________
- 2 - ___________________
- 3 - ___________________
- Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) based on your fear of failure. What has been holding you back that you're going to try?
Further Reading, Motivation, and References:
- George Clooney "hit it big" when he was 34 with ER. He went on to say, "You need to have failed a sh*t load - if you have, you never trust success."
- "Initial failure is common and doesn't imply a permanent dead end. Learn from failures, try again differently, fail, and try again. Your odds keep improving the more you try." Ken Fisher
- Josh Waitzkin in The Art of Learning calls it an "investment in loss" and done right, those losses and important internalized lessons add up over time to success.
- The Gift of Failure
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