Words Matter

Words Matter

Words get better with
practice.

The old childhood rhyme "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is, in my mind, a rub-some-dirt-on-it, fallacy.  Certainly, as a person and a parent, I want those "mean" words that inevitably come into our lives to roll off like water on a duck's back.  I don't want to be (or raise) that stereotypical snowflake.  That all said, I do firmly believe that words matter...a lot.  There are a few category examples I'd like to unpack to hopefully make you stop and think about the words you surround yourself with and what that does long term.  

This is different and 
better than chocolate!

Perhaps first and foremost in this vein, the one that jumps out at me is the word "love" (but you could probably inject any other "big" words in your life like family, faith, or such).  I don't know how many times I hear those around me talk about how much they "love" something trivial - chocolate, soda, their car, their fancy stapler, etc.  Then, they'll also make some comments about how much they love their spouse or kids.  When we use the same word, "love," we equate those two things, at some level in our mind.  Surely, or hopefully, no one is putting an equal sign between their feelings for a spouse and chocolate, but by using the same words, we devalue one and overemphasize the other.  Reserve some of those big, powerful words for big, powerful things in our lives.  

Words have the power to make your family prioritized.  Think about the seasons of life when you'reswamped and feel like your snorkel is occasionally under the wave tops.  Consider the power of the word "no" in freeing up your schedule?  Often times when we get over-taxed it's because we didn't say "no" enough.  When the project at work was offered up, we didn't say "no" and now we have to work late.  When your kids got invited to a Saturday afternoon birthday party but you didn't say "no" and now you missed family bonding time.  Or when the person at church needed one more volunteer for this or that and you didn't say "no" and now you're helping out more than you intended.  All good things...but too much of a good thing...well...get in the habit of saying "no" to keep your calendar intentional so that the "first things can be the first things" as Stephen Covey so wisely wrote.  

Count them when
you're learning.

Those words coming into your life, especially from those who you value as a leader or mentor can be doubly powerful.  I've had folks (both personal - peers/friends/mentors, and im-personal - random advice/articles/etc) who have poured advice into my life over the years.  Pieces of this advice have served as a challenge to spur me past what I thought was possible...other pieces as a ceiling that artificially held me back.  So far as challenge, I can fairly clearly remember a conversation years ago with college roommates about joining the volunteer fire service and how that would be impossible with where we were heading in other parts of life.  Fast forward, I had (and, in part, still enjoy) a fairly extensive volunteer fire service career.  Those words somehow took root and served as a challenge to do something big.  On the flip side, some of the ceiling words have been passing-style comments that took deep hold, whether they were true/real or not, and changed my behavior/actions for the worse.  

Gravity is
universal.

We've got the power to build up those around us or break them down...and we have to make that choice every day.  Are we going to be the cheerleader or the boat anchor for those around us?  We've had periods where "toxic" seems to represent the culture at work.  During those moments, I have an opportunity to contribute to the negativity or choose not to engage...and, while I try, I don't always make the right choice.  I'm all for venting and whatnot, but am I contributing to the change I want to see in my world?  I can use my words to contribute to the sinking ship by poking holes, or by plugging them.  Chances are, especially with those in your close circle, your words hold a certain weight or gravity that is like the wind in a sail.  

If you have to pick
something to eat
this is a good 
choice.

At some level, the old quotes, "We are what we eat," "We are the average of our five closest friends," "Excellence as a habit," and so forth speaks to the fact that we become what we consume over time.  We've talked about it before, but "good and beautiful" consumption vs "_____ and _____" (violence, gore, cussing, sex, anything on the 7 Deadly Sins or 10 Commandments, etc).  If we're constantly immersed and bathing in "filth," chances are we start to become as such deep within ourselves.  I'm not trying to stand on a pedestal or be Pollyanna, or anything else here.  What I am trying to say is, look yourself in the mirror during some quiet moment and ask yourself if you love those around you (spouse, kids, etc) better when you're in a season of toxic or wholesome content?  If you're listening to "thug" music, playing violent video games, watching adult-themed media, etc...are you a better husband, father, etc?  I know during seasons of my life - military, fire service, etc - I've been surrounded by Type A Alphas and lived that life.  I also know that in that season of life, I likely wasn't ready, or even perhaps able, to be a husband or successfully raise kids.  The words (and images) we pour into our heads (and hearts) matter, especially as they add up.  

Sometimes your love
language is reading
words.

For some of those in our circle, "words really matter."  If you're not familiar with Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages, one of the love languages is "words of affirmation" which is the fire to some people's spirits.  If you have a "words" spouse or kids, the idea of giving them gifts, physical touch, or quality time doesn't light them up.  Consider those around you and how they like to be loved.  For those who thrive on words of affirmation, look up a few unique and genuine ways to say "good job," "I'm in your corner" or "I really like how you did that particular thing.  You might be a "words" person yourself in a love language and if so, consider asking those around you to love you better with words.  

Hitting up church...
even on vacation.

Another thought as we wrap this week..."the" Word as told to us by God in the Bible is foundational.  In John 1:1: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  Words matter.  When was the last time you unpacked the Bible and read "The Word?"  For many of us, myself included, too long ago is the summary answer.  Consider thinking about how words in the Bible are timeless...how they've likely helped you get to here right now with your ancestors.  When you consider the number of problems, strife, and struggle over a "thousand generations," chances are some of your ancestors (and maybe you today) have run up against a wall that has made you want to give up.  Over the millennia, one true foundational post has been the Bible.  Consider the good times...and the bad...to go to the "Word."  It does matter.  

All of this to say, part of the commitment to "living a life in the arena," is a commitment to guard what we bring in and put out in our circles...words can be a big part of that.  Again, I'm not trying to be the morality police or bust out the WWJD (what would Jesus do) on you...I am calling you to do some introspection and really, honestly answer the question of when/what consumption season you do your best loving on those around you.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three "big" words and make a commitment to not conflate them.  Stop calling your "gym bros" family, stop saying you "love" the coffee down the corner...start reserving those sacred words (and more so their connection to your heart) for the "big" parts of life.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) you'll do as a family in the next month to "live a more wholesome" life with what you're consuming.  Change your morning show on the radio to K Love and see what happens.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- The Rotary 4-Way Test in Speaking: Is it the truth?  Is it fair to all concerned?  Will it build goodwill and better friendships?  Will it be beneficial to all concerned?

- The Words Matter Movement

- Words Matter

- Five Love Language Test

- For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

Dreamstorm...then Brainstorm

Dreamstorm...then Brainstorm

Big dreams move
mountains.

When was the last time you dreamed?  When was the last time you traded routine for curiosity or adventure?  It's easy to lose sight of our dreams.  They get blurred and camouflaged behind everyday life.  They climb in the backseat behind the kids, spouse, job, pets, aging parents, and whatever else is in the backseat.  As we come into a new year, the "temporal landmark" of a new year allows us the artificial clean slate to explore a new way to do life in the coming trip around the sun.  

Master plan for safe crackers.

Too often with the busyness of life, we get on the express train to the "how" without much consideration time spent on the "why," or the "what."  The old adage of "I'm too busy chopping the tree to sharpen the axe" hints at what we're talking about.  In the hustle of life, we zip from thing to thing, hardly thinking if we "should" do something and defaulting to "how" we'll get something done.  When we're looking at our one precious life and how see live our best life, it's important to carve out and invest the intentional time necessary to dream...then once we've outlined the "why/what" we can executive function our way to the "how" portion.  

There is energy in 
dreamstorming.

For example, the idea of getting married or having kids should start with a dream.  God gave us the ability to "figure it out" when we have to but the plan and intention of how we should do marriage and children.  When it is going well, not much is better than having children.  When you're backed into a corner with kids through whatever set of circumstances, it can be a beyond stressful time for both you and the kids.  We have folks in our circle who never had the dream of kids...but had them and they're distracted at best as parents.  We have others in our circle who dreamed about having kids, then brainstormed/researched how to do so best...and are amazing parents.  

It takes conversation and 
documentation.

When you think about a career, the same advice applies.  We can think about the things that we love doing, that electrify our life with passion.  Then we can work through the brainstorm components of how to make a living doing the thing we enjoy.  For example, the "follow your passion" of dreams only leaves many folks in a costly student loan debt situation without much for employable prospects.  The robotic "dreamstorm" only of going to law school to impress a parent leaves life pretty hollow.  

When we're looking at a new career (or a career change), the totality of the dream is
important.  You might like the idea of a career field...but don't want to move to Silicon Valley where the jobs are at.  Have the dream of "I like technology" coupled with the brainstorm of "how do I make this work" which could look like remote work, teaching at a community college vel, or some other combination.  When we are looking to make a change or advise those coming up behind us/raise children, the combination is important.  

Dream BIG!

As we allow ourselves to dream, the world takes on new possibilities for iteration and growth.  Too often without dreaming, we feel we're stuck in our ways and become static, self-limiting our options.  Chances are with a little open-ended brainstorming time, we come up with options and solutions we hadn't thought were in the realm of possibility.  Once we expand our alternatives with our creative sides, we can then use our rational sides to make a plan to make it happen.  

Lastly, as we close up, remember that dreamstorming and brainstorming go alongside commitment.  When you say "until death do us part" but really means that you dream about "until a newer model comes along" you're missing the point.  Use your powers of brainstorming and dreamstorming to look for those 1% improvements that make life better.  When you want to do a major overhaul, tackle those as a family unit, not as a mid-life crisis.  

As we come into a "new year, new you" take some time to dream about what you want to be this time next year.  What trips and adventures do you want to have done.  What skills and competencies you have acquired.  What books you've read and things you've done.  How you've helped serve others.  How you made the place a better place than you found it.  Spend a few quiet hours dreaming about what could be, then pick out a few items you're going to build plans/habits/systems around, then...just go do that.  Best of luck this year!

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three dreams you're fired up about...make a brainstorming session on how to make them a reality.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) as a family toward a shared family dream - vacation trip, moving to a new place, doing something crazy like a gap year, or something simple like dinner together at the table.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Four Golden Rules of Brainstorming

- Family Brainstorm - https://www.familydreams.com/ - solid "blog" on Instagram movement.

Crawl, Walk, Run

 Crawl, Walk, Run

Sometimes crawling involves
tackling.

Whenever you're starting into something, particularly something new...give yourself the time to do the thing properly.  Too often we are impatient and insist to ourselves that if we're not an expert immediately, we give up on it.  As it's been said, "Anything worth doing is worth working hard to be able to do."  With the crawl-walk-run format, you have time to take baby steps and build the requisite skills to be able to move up...toward an actual capability.  

Even knights have
to crawl sometimes.

In the fire service and military, this "crawl-walk-run" modality of training is a mantra to get baby rookies through training pipelines that get them into a working level of competence.  For example, the boot camp phase of "break you down so we can rebuild you" prepares the new recruits for the culture, morals, and expectations that they'll face in continued training.  Following that, in broad brush strokes is the individual training where you learn the basics of the craft.  From there, you're matriculated out to the "learn on the job" field training phase where you're doing the left-seat/right-seat with a seasoned professional.  Lastly, when you're "running" the edge is maintained with continuing education on current topics and refreshing the basics.

Learn from others.

All of that to say, the long pipeline and culture of learning with "don't eat your young" doesn't necessarily translate into other careers and jobs terribly well where we say "sink or swim."  This applies to volunteer roles, church roles, and about anything else.  Having a system where your new folks have the latitude to learn through trial and error, and then grow is important.  One thing to remember with the crawl-walk-run is that you can't crawl forever...at some point, you've got to get on to the run part...but that's after you have some crawl time.  

Running is good.

When we look at this model in terms of our family life - marriage and parenting...the same principles can apply.  When we talk about being newly married, there are some crawl activities that we can take like marriage counseling, learning from other couples a few years ahead of us, and reading books about marriage topics like family finance and relational boundaries.  The crawl phase may be marked by, "becoming the person we're looking for is looking for" as Andy Stanley puts it.  

Sprinklers help
running.

When we talk about "walk" level topics" before you get hitched or newly married, it could be a small group at church, volunteering together, building a proposed joint budget, or taking a trip together.  The idea is to add some stress to the topics that help build the roots necessary to fall back on when the going gets inevitably tough down the road.  As you grow in your early years of marriage, the "run" phase may shift from "be" or "do" to "lead" or "mentor."  

Learn to craw
from crabs on
a beach.

We're starting to see in the business literature the addition of "fly" as a final step.  There are things in life that hopefully each of us are to the level of "flying" with...you don't need to be "fly" level with all of them...and you shouldn't.  We have a person in our circle who was an accomplished high school baseball player, but like most humans...his athletic career ended there...not as Derek Jeter in the Hall of Fame.  The sad part became that he has refused to do any rec league softball since it "isn't flying" despite a love for the game.  There are things in life you should "fly" at. There are many more that you should just be happy to be an accomplished "walker" for life.  We likely won't hike the Appalachian Trail...but we can have a heck of a lot of fun hitting the wilds every weekend.  

Sometimes you need 
a whole team.

It also becomes important to do the "routine maintenance" in a run phase...most of those basics are activities you honed in the crawl/walk phase.  Things like a monthly (or weekly) date night, monthly budget meetings, goal setting/check-in sessions, and adventure injections.  The good news is the model or system of crawl-walk-run-maintenance can work for any new skill.  You likely aren't starting a new language lesson by parachuting into a foreign country...nor starting piano wih Bach or Beethoven.  Similarly, as you go through family life and enter new seasons give yourself the grace to be a crawler - new parenthood, kids teenagerhood, empty nester, retirement, and so forth. 

Flight pre-reqs.

Also, remember that sometimes we backslide...and that's okay as long as you get back to forward momentum.  I remember a time during college at the annual Bataan Memorial Death March marathon in New Mexico.  Somewhere around mile 23 or so the course becomes a mile or so long sand pit where you sink in each step.  I remember going from a run/shuffle thing to literally back crawling on my hands and knees beside a German solider.  We'd both get up, stumble a few paces, fall, crawl, and repeat until we got out of the sandpit.  In life, we'll have times when we have to go back to the crawl and walk pieces.  If we go into life knowing that we'll have bumps along the road, we're less surprised and more able to revert back for action.  

As we wrap up, take a minute in the new year to think about some of the items that you can become a "crawler" on this year.  It's important that we continue to inject novelty and growth into our lives as we get older.  Otherwise, we go from one year to another without much change...and consequently without much growth.  Go grow this year...as a crawler.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that you're going to do this year and a couple of crawl, walk, run actions (e.g. learn Pickleball, take up crochet, run a 5k, save $10k for a goal, etc).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) to help each other with a crawl, walk, run as a family.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Vince Lombardi - "You block and tackle better than the team you're playing, you win."

- Crawl, Walk, Run, Fly - https://medium.com/@mmusa/crawl-walk-run-d4421ac6aabc 

Family KPIs

 Family KPIs

Success rests on systems.

In the professional sector, we often talk about "what gets measured, gets managed" and one of those major measuring instruments is Key Performance Indicators.  One of the cool parts about KPIs is that you can make the ones that make sense for you in this season.  For example, at work, we had seasons where we'd target volunteer recruitment, in other seasons perhaps training, and finally other seasons targeted fund development.  Certainly, some actions cross-cut through all seasons, but using the KPIs allowed each sub-team to target their particular contributions while also leaning into team-level shared campaigns.  

Getting on the right
track.

At home, we do similar indicators to track our progress toward goals that help get our family closer to who we are trying to become.  These could be books read, board games played, skills acquired, or hours outdoors.  You can assign KPIs to items that are highly prioritized or ones that you're struggling with.  Some that lead themselves to family progress include goals (and associated KPI measurements aligned toward a desired end state) around diet, exercise, finances, quality time, screen time, adventures, work-life balance, or anything else that you're finding challenging or important.  

Getting wired for success.

Too often in business, we tend to let the KPIs overshadow our people...we make them the altar of the bottom line and manage to KPIs.  There are seasons of life where you can have this same problem at home when you let an arbitrary performance indicator run over your relationship.  For example, we had some sprint seasons at work where I was definitely a better "worker" than I was a husband or father.  My work KPIs were pretty great...my home ones were not so much.  Now, fortunately, I think we're wiser and our version of KPIs is a bit more well-rounded, balancing the work and home lives better.  

KPIs help us focus
our aim.

Checking in periodically with a measuring stick helps us quantify our progress (or lack thereof) and apply targeted action in the coming months.  This inherent accountability helps us get from the wish stage to crossing the finish line.  For us, we have weekly family meetings that we've found useful to help keep an eye on the immediate where we talk about some of the weekly progress (e.g. the chore money that they've earned that week and what they're putting it towards (save/spend/give)).  Quarterly we'll check in on the bigger progress items and annually we touch base on the strategic level components that, in theory, all the smaller KPIs work toward over the year.  

KPI's give us
clues to 
progress.

With any new KPI, it takes a minute to figure out what are the right indicators to track and measure.  And, like any new thing in general, you'll probably struggle with it at first...but you'll get better with practice.  We've had ebbs and flows as it relates to our measured metrics.  We'll have some that are proactive and intentionally selected, while other KPIs are reactionary when we realize we had too many Christmas cookies, and coming into the new year, we're on a health trend that isn't healthy.  In general though, as we've practiced over the years, many of the KPIs have become habitual (quarterly weigh-ins and measurements (how big around is my waist, how many pounds, how many pushups/situps in 2 minutes, etc).  Like the boiling frog, we don't wake up unable to do physical things, nor do we sit down to the dinner table one night and pack on 20 pounds...we add a little here and there...until all too soon, it feels like our ability to do amazing, awesome things are gone overnight.  On the flip side, "After 20 years of hard work, I was an overnight success."  KPIs help us, over the years to spot the trends, course correct, and get the results...stick with the grind of your first family meeting where you awkwardly try to establish KPIs...it gets easier and the results are beyond worth it.  

KPIs keep you on the
right trail. 

You can flip the switch a little bit by redefining KPI to Keep Your People Informed, Involved, Interested, and Inspired.  This redefinition can apply both at home and at work.  Having had the privilege to manage many volunteers in my time with a non-profit that was 92% volunteers for staff, I can vouch for the importance, as a leader, of making your team...part of the team.  When we were having our best results, we were identifying and actioning solutions...as a team.  At home, same story - when we're rocking it at home, it tends to be the times when our whole family is leaning into the yoke together.  Too often due to pride, ignorance, distraction, or whatever else, we try to take on the world by ourselves, forgetting that our burdens are lighter (emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it) when we share them.  

Track your
KPIs.

As we've talked about, you can change the metrics you're measuring over time as you need.  As our kids are learning how to read, the season of life where KPIs were letter shapes/sounds is being replaced with the number of books independently read.  As we're getting older, our KPIs are no longer how many mountains climbed, but more around how many times we've walked around the block as a family in the evenings.  We don't generally get where we're intending to go by accident or sitting on the sidelines.  We get there by consistently applying directed action toward an end zone that we've established.  Just like the yard markers on the side of a football field, KPIs help us understand if we're moving forward, backward, or staying put.  Your family only becomes who you want it to be by giving those intentions words...and taking actions along the path.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of KPIs that your family will focus on as you go into the new year.  Get specific and write down the details to clarify your goals so that you make defined progress.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of shared actions.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- KPI Description

- KPI Business Examples