Chapters & Re-Inventions

Chapters & Re-Inventions

I'm not the guy my wife married.  She's not the wife I married.  That's okay.  That's life.  What I mean by this is that we've both grown, adapted, and evolved over the years to become who we are today.  We're still growing, adapting, and evolving (because we're human) into who we'll be tomorrow.  It's important not to fall into stagnation in any segment of our life, where we just coast along.  Whether we

New trails at Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes.

call it "quiet-quitting" at work, "retired-on-active-duty," or just falling into a rut in our parenting/spousal roles...it's not generally known as a good thing.  Humans were not meant to sit and stagnate and we've got a long and rich heritage as a species of pushing the envelope.  Ask yourself if you're stagnating/coasting...or pushing and growing?  Are you in a rut or making a trail?  

When we think about our lives in terms of "temporal landmarks" or seasons of life, we can get a sense of how we're growing and changing.  Perhaps a season of your life was high school, college, or your time in the military.  It could be a season when you were parenting a pre-schooler, a high schooler, or when you were a newlywed.  Or, it could be a season when you were caring for an elderly loved one and saying goodbye.  As Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 NIV says, "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens."  It goes on to list out some of those so-called "chapters" and mile markers along the highway of life.  

Anywhere along the highway of life, but particularly at the edges of chapters or seasons, it is important to stop and ask ourselves "are we getting closer or further away from who we want to be?"  At those natural chapter breaks (e.g. graduating high school, leaving the military, retiring, etc), we have a moment to re-invent ourselves perhaps without some of the friction of everyday life weighing us down.  For example, let's say you were a party animal in college and now you're graduating.  It would've been more difficult to "cold turkey" turn it around while all of your peers and friends were still in the "old life."  Upon graduation, and perhaps moving away, it's a clean break moment to go be something/someone else in the new chapter.  

Oregon Trail, anyone?  These ruts
are still around 150 or so years 
later.

From the stagnation perspective, we can end up landing in a rut...which, in part is pretty dang efficient...but if you're not on the right trail...pretty hard to escape.  It's been said, "if you're not growing, you're shrinking."  In a similar fashion, we find can find ourselves in deep ruts that carry us along in a "go-with-the-flow" sort of current.  Again, that's efficient...if the current is heading where you want to go.  For many people, in our professional lives, we can hit seasons where we go into coast mode.  When we're young, it takes a lot of hustle to make traction at work.  By the time we're older and more experienced, we've found efficiencies and shortcuts that allow us to get far more done with much less output.  

If you're finding you're in one of those coast modes, it's important to ask yourself if that's the right answer or if you need to "re-invent" and start a new chapter.  I know I was probably more romantic in the dating phases of life with my wife than I am at now almost 10 years into marriage.  I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Similarly, I've had seasons where work is "quiet" and I have to choose if I'm going to get really good at social media scrolling OR invest those hours into betting our organization/myself.  Sometimes those are awfully hard questions, especially if you're just getting off of a really busy season of life.  

Similarly, it's been said that re-invention helps us to stay "young" at heart and in our minds.  The "youngness," in large part comes from new and novel experiences.  When we become experts in a particular field and then just hunker down and camp out there, we stop challenging ourselves.  Lok to chapters and re-invention to help expand your horizons.  This could be a career swap mid-way, finding a new location to move to, coming up with a new hobby, or picking up a new volunteer pursuit - the point is, to expand and grow.  We've often talked about moving to a new region of the country...just because we can, we're a little bored, and it'd reset our "3-day" weekend adventure menu.  We haven't done it...but our ancestors were restless spirits...that's what led them to get to the moon, conquer oceans, or discover new lands.  Don't just relegate your one, big, amazing, beautiful life to an endless loop of screen scrolling and fluorescent lightbulbs.  

Along the highway of life, you might use the natural breaks (e.g. graduation, retirement, New Year's, birthday, etc) or force a natural break if you're getting warning signs (e.g. coasting mode in a segment or role of life) to start a new chapter.  "In my next 5, 10, 30 years, I'm going to _____."  You get to set the timeline and fill in the blank...which is amazing...and perhaps ominous.  You get to determine what your next chapter is - one of joy, balance, investment, and presence...or something else.  You get to determine if you're setting off on a journey that will help you end up somewhere else in 10 years...or be in the same body/mind/space in a decade.  The choice truly is up to you and how you'll lead your family forward.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• List three things that you're going to re-invent in the next chapter - big or small - identify some paths forward to make some changes you've been thinking about.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Do some time dreaming and follow up with brainstorming to start formulating a plan for each facet of your life - marriage, parenting, career, adventures, finances, and so forth.  
• Look for an upcoming chapter break that makes sense and overlaps the proactive change you've selected with the timeline...then, like Nike says, "just do it."  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- 10 Year Updates - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mood-swings/202301/the-ten-year-rule-change-your-life-every-decade 

- Andy Stanley - https://andystanley.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Getting-Started-Guide.pdf 

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 NIV - https://www.bible.com/bible/111/ECC.3.1-11.NIV

- Tim McGraw, My Next Thirty Years - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTkPfJNpS2E

Not every team needs Rock Stars...

Not Every Team Needs Rock Stars...

Team matters.  When I worked at a non-profit I think I inadvertently sabotaged some of that mentality

If you can play like 
"Animal" the drummer,
do that.

as a leader.  I routinely complimented good effort and stand-out performance, labeling the actor as a "rock star."  Several years into this habit, one volunteer shrugged off the compliment, with a "Nah, I'm more of a solid bassist.  The team needs me to be that."  (Lighter Note: in the moment, it didn't sound like "bassist" and I was taken aback a sweet, amazing old lady who embodied "love your neighbor" would call herself that).  That was an eye-opening moment for me, not only in my "work life" but more broadly.  I'd been unintentionally creating a comparison among "rock stars" and subtly sending a message of what excellence was...in reality, the team wouldn't function effectively without the whole, diverse team.  

I intuitively knew not every rock band is full of lead singers, nor every baseball team full of second basemen, or a football team only made up of quarterbacks.  That sort of metaphor would be chaotic in terms of operations as well as ego/team dynamics.  What had been intended as an "atta-boy/atta-girl" style comment, made me realize I was off base.  In the philosophy of "we get what we incentivize," I was probably incentivizing the wrong things at work and at home.  The wake-up call moment and change of paradigm had profound effects.  

Good music, like
most things is a 
team sport.

Moving forward, it took a little more effort but paid dividends, to consciously recognize those around me for their unique contributions to the team..."our vehicle fleet would be grounded without your diligence in helping our maintenance stay tip-top" as an example.  Much like our military special forces have many soldiers in support roles behind the scenes for each "operator" in the field, our lives have a wide cast of characters and each needs to play their instrumental parts for the success of the team.  

I'd challenge you to pay more attention in your circles to the unique gifts and contributions people are making.  To make it more meaningful, keep a little notebook or note going on your phone or something where you can "catch people doing good" and jot it down, especially if you're a leader in your circles.  The outgrowth of this diligence and focused commentary was a win in our circles.  There was a marked difference when gone were the days of "you're a rockstar," "you're a rockstar," and "you too, you're a rockstar" much like an Oprah show.  Replaced were more intentional, specific feedback that made a difference.  In calling out individual, unique contributions it opened much of the team's eyes to their peers, build redundant resiliency through cross-training, and ultimately made our team more successful.  

Whether you're at home, on the field, in the office, or whatever other arena you're in, consider paying attention more closely to those around you and how you can recognize them more meaningfully.  By keeping notes along the way we can avoid the faux pas I made when I recognized a "superstar" volunteer who'd gone above and beyond in front of her peers with a  coffee store gift card and custom mug...only to be told a little later that she didn't drink coffee.  By paying attention (which, by the way, is really the recognition that is powerful), we can show how much we care about our team translated into our words and actions.  

Fair warning: tether
ball with toddlers
quickly escalates to 
a full-contact sport.

At home, the hollow, proforma complements that we sometimes feel obligated to give can be upgraded as well.  Instead of the "you look nice tonight," try "I really like how those earrings bring out your eyes."  Instead of "thanks for dinner" which often feels obligatory, try out "I really appreciate how you go out of your way to plan healthy meals that we enjoy so much."  With your kids, toss out, "good game, champ" and replace it with "I really liked how you hung in there and we really saw the effort come out in that particular play.  I'm proud of your character."  These customized, specific comments get past the polite platitudes that we're obliged to give and get to the level of the gift we're capable of giving - our attention and actual appreciation.  

In fairness, so do most 
other things with little 
boys...full-contact
sport that is.  

We don't need 11 QBs - we need a team of folks leaning into a common goal.  By building a team of unique, diversified, and complementary skills we can tackle amazing things.  As a leader, our job is to outline the tactical goals (get a first down), in support of strategic outcomes (score a touchdown), that build toward the objective (winning the game), and ultimately fulfill the mission (winning the Super Bowl).  Done long enough and with consistency and we make the vision a reality (legacy of a powerhouse team).  

To do so over time, at home or at work, we need to build the team and be the part of the team that the team needs.  As you're working on yourself and your team/family, consider building out complementary skills like a Green Beret team.  Everyone is a utility infielder, jack of all trades, Leatherman tool instead of a pocket knife, sort of player first, then a specialist second.  In the Marine Corps philosophy, "every Marine a rifleman", you've got to be a football player first, in our analogy, and a Left Tackle second.  At home, you've got to be a husband/wife first and a ______ after that.  Instead of a "be a rockstar" reshape your thought process toward "I'm going to give a rockstar-level performance right now, this minute."  You owe it to your loved ones and those around you in your circles to bring your A-game...in your lane.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• What are three roles that you are committed to at the rock star level?  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• What other roles, based on your priorities and bandwidth, become "good enough is...good enough?"  You can only be a rock star so much, make sure you're hitting the home runs where they actually matter in the long run.  
• Pick three people in your circle and write down three genuine, meaningful compliments you're going to give to them this week.  Observe how it makes them feel.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Nickelback Rockstar (PG13) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1hgVcNzvzY&pp=ygUIcm9ja3N0YXI%3D 

- NFL What Goes into Preparing an NFL Stadium for Game Day?- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDC7xOyAWzc&pp=ygU3d2hhdCBpdCB0YWtlcyBiZWhpbmQgdGhlIHNjZW5lcyB0byBwdWxsIG9mZiBhbiBuZmwgZ2FtZQ%3D%3D (hint, it's more than just the QB).  

Ends Justify the Means?

Ends Justify the Means?

We often find folks are in one of two camps - process over outcomes or ends justify the means.  I've been, at times a bit of both, and worked with and for folks who have been both.  With almost anything in life - work, home, family, whatever else, we've got certain desired end states that are important to us.  In order to get to those desired end states, we also typically have a variety of systems or processes to get across the finish line.  In prepping for this article and talking with a few friends, I think the right answer is..."it depends" and that's what I wanted to talk about today.  

The slippery slopes of skiing 
with a toddler.

In parts of our family life, I'm a firm believer in the "no-compromise" set of commitments - faith, fidelity to our marriage, and some of the other untouchables.  For too many folks who crash and burn, it came after a single misstep that started them down a slippery slope of increasingly justifying behavior until soon they were careening out of control toward catastrophe.  For some things in life, you have to set a zero-tolerance policy where it is distinctly black and white to avoid the "just one more" syndrome that leads you beyond where you ever thought you might end up.  

On the other side of the coin, I served in the military as a younger man and it was often said that our mission, as a military broadly, was to "kill bad people and break their stuff."  At the end of the day, that mostly means the ends justify the means.  We're going to stack the deck in our favor so far that winning is almost a foregone conclusion because the stakes are so high.  For example, if we're going on a raid, we'll do comprehensive research/intelligence gathering, practice work-up exercises, employ the best technology, soften the target perhaps with artillery or bombing, provide air cover support, and a solid contingency plan that is well resourced in case it goes pear-shaped and someone gets banged up.  

Sometimes it means a little
mud to get where you're going.

Putting this into "civilian" terms for our family, raising kids, in part is about preparing them for success as adults in whatever they choose to pursue.  This means I want to help facilitate opportunities for them to be as unfair as possible in their competition with peers.  In other words, I want to help expose them to reading, love of learning, academics, extracurriculars, athletics, and a plethora of novel experiences that readies them for their next steps.  I hope that their college/trade school decisions are so one-sided that they can take advantage of any one of the many doors that are opened for them.  I want them financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to tackle life head-on.  

When we think about our "ends justifying the means" it is a fine balancing act.  The old joke, "I maintain a certain moral flexibility" and "if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying" has a reality.  Cheating in marriage (for us), not okay.  Cheating between the business trip at work and making an excuse to stay home so I can get to the baseball game with the kids...more okay.  The point is, when the consequences become severe enough, we need to make sure we're willing to do what it takes.  Hopefully, that means hustling and doubling down on healthy, copacetic ways...not robbing a bank.  But that said, if robbing a bank was the thing between our family and catastrophe in some Hollywood fiction scenario, I'm channeling my inner Jesse James. 

Thing 1 and Thing 2 at 
White Sands National 
Monument climbing the
dunes.

I want to hop off a second here to get you thinking about the various _____-parent styles (helicopter, snowplow, bulldozer, elephant, and such that you've heard about).  When we talk about "prepping the battlefield" for your kids...removing all challenges in front of them is far from what we're talking about.  Along the lines of "iron sharpens iron," discomfort and adversity/challenge form kids (the end goal) that become competent adults.  If you get in the habit of smashing every possible hurdle and smoothing out every possible hazard along the way...you're not doing any favors for your kid.  If you write their English paper because they failed to prioritize, plan, or prepare - that's not a win.  The "means" in this case is helping them develop (strategically) the organization and prioritizing skills necessary to do quality work on time and on target.  It also means (tactically) not scheduling the family fishing trip the weekend before when you know it'll set them up for failure with the school project.  

All of this said, hopefully, you take a few minutes as a family to think through what are the ends you're trying to get to...again, by each role or section of your life.  Then take some time to work backward to come up with the "means" along the way that will get you where you choose to go.  Adjustments for success can be made to the means (tactics) or end goals along the way.  Good luck thinking through the next steps in your planning process.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three processes in your life that take you closer to your desired end goals that could use some work and list one immediate action step.
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Talk with your family about things in your life that are "show stoppers" or 100% items.  Discuss examples with your family.
• Talk through some hypothetical items where the ends would justify the means with your spouse and kids.  What are some situations where you'd do anything it took?  How do you prevent getting into those situations in the first place?  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Denzel Washington John Q movie trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0_tN6O-5k 

- Interesting hypotheticals to discuss - https://benjaminspall.com/ends-means/

The Named & The Numbered

The Named & The Numbered

Not all of our circle is the same or equally valued.  That sounds "callous" or backward in our

Your "named" list
should be pretty elite.

increasingly woke world, but I'd argue it is essential.  Our immediate family (spouse and loved ones) take (or should take) your priority over work, extended family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or others.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't show kindness to anyone, or dare I say, everyone.  It is to say that when a decision has to be made...your priorities should rest with those in your "named" circle, not your "numbered" circle.  

To unpack a bit, consider a bullseye with the inner circles being the "named."  As you move out, eventually getting to the ROW or "Rest of the World" they are defacto, the numbered.  We put people into buckets of us and them...the named and the numbered.  A war half a world away where 500, 5,000, 50,000, 500,000 people die...they're the numbered, the faceless statistics that we too quickly dismiss, forget, or fall into distraction...they become numbered.  The old quote "one death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic" rings true.  If Uncle Bob dies, it's a tragedy, perhaps insurmountable tragedy for Bob's inner circle, those who count him as one of their named.  Bob rolled up with all the other nameless, faceless Bob's over the course of the year...he's just another number on a list somewhere.  

Sometimes the "named" 
don't realize how good 
they've got it.

Where I'm going with this is perhaps as a call to carefully prioritize your quality time and life energy for your named folks.  For most of us, we're a numbered at work...replaceable fairly quickly.  Someone else can step in and take our place as a cog in a wheel and the momentum continues.  When I left a non-profit where I was the Executive Director, I worried (in an overly dramatic fashion) that it'd crash upon my departure.  In reality, any of us leaving is more like pulling your hand out of a bucket of water...try it sometime and see if you can find the hole that is left when you move your hand.  On the flip side, look at the weeping and mourning in the wake of an untimely death...they're not the same, they're not equal.

Take a minute sometime to consider who is graphed where on your chart.  This is mostly, on a normal day, a goofy exercise at best.  Not having it done when the "gray sky" day happens can make your world turn a bit upside down.  For example, let's look at your bullseye - hopefully your spouse and kids.  What happens when we have to make a decision between a bullseye (the "10" ring") named person and a numbered person (the faceless refugee halfway around the world)?  It's a no-brainer.  What about between a bullseye and a "named" co-worker or friend?  A little more difficult.  Now, between say a sibling or parent and your spouse?  Closer to a tie?  

At a certain point, you
only have so much 
bandwidth to give your
best to.  Choose wisely.

This seems an overly dramatic comparison or juxtaposition.  In reality, we (and I'm sure you) know folks who have landed in those exact situations.  In one recent example, a family was struggling with a sick parent.  What looked like a happy family turned into a fight between the sick parent moving in with the family...and ultimately ended in a divorce when the choice between spouse and parent was forced.  I don't want to paint the picture of 1-or-0 in these dynamics and I'm sure there were plenty of underlying factors in that marriage coming apart.  The fact remains, though, an inner ring "named" was pushed aside by an outer ringed person and now the kids have to live with those ramifications.  

I'd encourage you to think through some of those named/numbered folks and have conversations about what they can and can't count on you for...get rid of the assumptions and allow everyone to plan on facts.  My wife's book club or my fire department volunteer commitments are great outlets...they take an immediate/no-questions-asked backseat if vetoed by either my wife or I.  We try not to exercise those unless it's objectively important...but both of us know, we only have to say the word and we're back to the priority.  Similarly, we've had conversations with parents about their expectations of our family and their aging.  It's resulted in them purchasing long-term health insurance.  In this case, we're not saying "we're out, and good luck" but we are saying our marriage/kids won't take a backseat to a lack of prior planning on someone else's part.  

When you're doing a big thing/
have a big plane, doing it right
 requires big sacrifices...and a
long runway. Plan accordingly.

As you look at your named and numbered lists in the emotionless light of day, you're way ahead.  It's far easier to have a conversation about your commitment to a particular situation when it's not staring you in the face.  In the above example, giving plenty of runway to our parents so they can make informed decisions is far easier than when one of them has their first "big" medical emergency and wants to move into our home.  While that's a pretty dramatic example, it hopefully gets you thinking about other more realistic conflicts between work, volunteer, social, extended familial, and other obligations.  Are you putting first things (people) first?  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Write down a list of your named (and numbered).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Make a conscious effort to prioritize and pray for everyone on the list.
• Have conversations about shared expectations with those in the "bullseye."  Then share those realities with those in the outer circles that set some boundaries before there is a need to test them in real time.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Right Where I Need to Be - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_78F4MvVZT4&pp=ygUYcmlnaHQgd2hlcmUgaSBuZWVkIHRvIGJl

- Front Door Looking In - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_Yst3QCXd4&pp=ygUVZnJvbnQgZG9vciBsb29raW5nIGlu