National Incident Management System (for families)

 National Incident Management System (for families)

Sometimes you
have to evacuate.

We (America) have a robust and systematic way to respond to/recover from disasters.  In an overly simplified fashion, the playbook system is what we call "Incident Command System."  This ICS system is what allows a responder or emergency manager to fly from Oregon to Florida and fit in seamlessly in the response and vice versa.  Our bigger-than-a-breadbasket disasters (think regional/statewide style crisis situations that hit the news - hurricanes, wildland fires, tornadoes, etc), are designed on a crash-the-boards system where many of us run to our neighbor's aid, do cool things, then ride off into the sunset.  As it's been said, "Good work if you can get it."  

ICS is a lot of things - org charts, processes, policies, and the like, but at its core foundation, it's a set of principles that have remained fairly unchanged since 19th-century French theorist Henri Fayol thought much of it up long ago.  It went through Harvard Business School in the early 1900s, inspired much of the military doctrine, evolved into Firescope for big fires in California in the 1970s, and broadened during the early 2000s with 9/11, Katrina, Harvey, and the like.  The 14 core tenets are what we'll spend some time on with some footnotes of how we could take these principles, borrow from them, and tweak them to inspire some of our "doing family life better" intent of Family In the Arena.

You might have
to recruit some
resources...

1. Common Terminology - we've talked about, words matter.  Have a language that applies to you and yours, something that defines "in" vs "out."  This could be haptics, inside jokes, shared language, or whatever brings you together.  
2. Modular Organization - this implies that the organization (family) can swell/contract as needed.  A few generations ago, it was nothing for nieces/nephews, grandparents, and so forth to flex in/out as the broader family structure needed some support in hard times.  
3. Management by Objectives - as Steven Covey (and others since) have talked about, begin with the end in mind.  Set out your objectives that get you to your desired end state at the outset.  
4. Incident Action Planning - Eisenhower said it best, "plans are useless, planning is indispensable."  In other words, the planning process (verb) is critical to making sure nothing falls through the cracks.  
5. Manageable Span of Control - from a family lens, I think this is what you can effectively manage
in terms of stuff and activities.  In theory, you/I/anyone else can effectively manage some 3-7 "things," with an optimal number being 5.  As a family, do you have more than 5 balls in the air (youth group, 4-H, sports, band, bowling league, etc)?  Too much of a good thing...can still be too much.  
6. Incident Facilities and Locations - What are the go-to facilities that you do life in?  Would all of you in your family agree?  Home, work, church, school, store.  A sense of "place" brings meaning to your life...home should be special, not just the place where you sleep.  
7. Comprehensive Resource Management - resources are scarce, that's their nature.  Whether this is time, money, stuff, staff (babysitter, doctor, etc), or whatever else...if it's managed well...life works better.
8. Integrated Communications - not only the "hard" stuff like phone/cell/text/pager but also the softer "how" we talk to each other as a family.  The tone of voice, manners, words that build each other up, safe space for talking, and so forth.  
9. Establishment and Transfer of Command - You need to be an active participant in the leadership of your family...you're the driver helping steer the bus...not just a passive passenger.  Transfer for families may also, in my opinion, make sure you've got contingency plans if something goes sideways.  While it's ugly to think about...if you and your spouse are gone...who gets the kids?  Answering those questions ahead of time, though morbidly painful, is far better than letting the state sort it out.  

You may have to build 
the puzzle to be unified.

10. Unified Command - mom and dad...together.  We need to be careful we're not playing one against each other...kids against mom, mom against dad, dad against mother-in-law (well, on second thought, that last one might be okay).  The point is, you're a team...act like one. 
11. Chain of Command and Unity of Command - how do you make decisions as a family?  Democracy with kids voting?  Kingly edicts?  Management by committee?  No 100% right answer and no answer that's right in 100% of the situations...but...understand how it works best for you and yours.  
12. Accountability - not only do we keep ourselves accountable to each other...but we should have "brother's keeper/best-man/bridesmaid" type responsibility to those in our circle.  This means we should solicit and be open to feedback...and have the hard conversations when needed with those we love.  
13. Dispatch/Deployment - there will be seasons of life when it's not all going perfectly...the "gray sky" so to speak.  When you're going through those, hopefully, short seasons of life, make sure you're prepared to keep doing life together in the "new normal."  
14. Information and Intelligence Management - part of the dynamic nature of disaster...and life in general, is that it is constantly changing.  Have a system where you're paying attention to impactful current events (but don't get "overcome by events/OBE")...and a system where you're looking around the corner to the seasons of life ahead.  Hopefully, you're thinking about how to parent a teenager before your child is blowing out the double-digit candles and are ready to lead through the new challenges and opportunities ahead.  

Systems work...create
them and use them.

I come from a background steeped in ICS and you may as well...or not...the point is, we so often compartmentalize our "business lives" and associated best practices from what may work at home.  I'm of the opinion that "if it works, it works."  In other words, if you've got some process, practice, or system that works in part of your life, look carefully at how you might be able to bring over some of the best practices for application in other parts of your life.  Part of the success in teaching is helping convey and convert the unknown or unfamiliar to some known or more familiar model to help students grasp understanding.  Here, if the ICS system is like Greek to you...don't adopt it...period.  If something is going to make your life easier, more effective, or bring increased efficiency...jump on it.

Hopefully, you'll see some of the principles that you hadn't thought of before and have ideas on how you might implement and leverage some of the above practices in your family.   

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of tenets to have a proactive, intentional conversation about with your family this week.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) with a principle or two in your family.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Lewis Carroll from Alice in Wonderland, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." 

Grit or Quit: The Upsides of Failing

Grit or Quit: The Upsides of Failing

Struggling to walk
on water...but enjoying
the journey.

Struggles in life come and we must all answer an important question when facing them: "to grit or quit?"  This critical question can be answered strategically or tactically and often requires a proactive commitment to many decisions.  The phrase was initially coined by Susan David, Harvard Medical School psychologist, and has been oft-debated by many scholars, bloggers, and others.  For your family, you'll have to answer this question many times in your life.  Sometimes the answer is soundly one or the other, but many times it is a little grayer in the middle.  

You can sell
your sweets.

Hopefully, you can have some rules/exceptions to fall back on as well as a rubric to help you with the pro/con calculus of making the decisions as they pop up in your life.  For you and your family, thinking through the black, white, and gray categories of events is important.  Talking through it for a moment, for us, grit applies to our roles as spouses and parents.  No matter what the fight, adversity, or struggle...the pre-selected answer is grit.  Period.  On the other side, we try (but are inherently fallible humans), and our quit list includes over-indulgence in sweets, screens, and things that draw us further away from who we want to be.  I'll be the first to tell you that "quitting" sweets hasn't been an overly successful venture...in large part because the consequences haven't caught up too badly or seriously...yet.  

Good things 
are all around
us...if we look.

Some of the gray comes in when we talk about those things that are inherently "good" things but cross the "too much of a good thing..." line.  During several seasons of life, we've found that we've "slipped" into saying "yes" to good opportunities too often and faced a grit/quit decision point.  Helping out with a volunteer group?  Leading a class at church?  Agreeing to help coach a sport?  All "ooched" into the "yes" category over time and suddenly, like the proverbial frog we were boiling.  In those seasons when we approached the "sick and tired of being sick and tired" line, it became clear we needed a dose of quit in our life.  

Grit is 
sometimes
tangled up.

If you've made the decision to "quit" on some of those gray categories, it's important to do so strategically and gracefully if you can.  Instead of dropping the t-ball season halfway through, finish it out and don't sign up for the next season.  Church group...help find and build a new leader to take your place, then exit.  It's important to prioritize those "grit" categories and consider quitting from the "quit" categories (or better yet, don't sign up if you're not going to be able to see it through) when they become impactful and distracting.  Saying "no" can be a superpower we all should work on developing and honing.  

Grit takes 
commitment to
get it done.

So far as the grit side of the house is concerned you've essentially committed (pre-decided) that quitting isn't an option.  Consequently, those quit category decisions shouldn't be undertaken lightly - marriage, kids, mortgage, military enlistment, and so forth.  In today's day and age, it's a tragedy how often we expand our throw-away attitudes and planned obsolescence from the new model of TV and fancier car to the rest of our lives.  For our family, and hopefully yours, the whole "for better or worse, sickness and health, til death do us part" is a quite literal promise.  

We've got to not
waver on our grit.

As you go through seasons of life, try not to get your emotions ahead of yourself when you're committing to new activities.  In other words, get good at saying "no" or walking away before a commitment.  Doing so helps us avoid the tense moments when grit-or-quit is on the table.  Once you're down that road of commitment, don't approach the decision lightly.  Think about short/long-term consequences (anticipated and unintentional) as well as pros and cons.  We'd recommend you do some proactive, seasonal check-ins with your calendar to make sure that you haven't signed yourself up beyond your capacity/intentionality.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Take some time to talk with your family about three things that are soundly in the "grit" category and three that are soundly in the "quit" category.  Help each other stay accountable to each.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of your schedule.  What should you slog through and what should you say adios to?  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Michelle "MACE" Curran - https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/grit-quit-michelle-mace-curran/?trackingId=huJ%2BhLydTGlA%2Bj8EkbOCug%3D%3D 

- Don McMillan's Humorous Take on This

Non Intervention as a Strategy

Non-Intervention as a Strategy

If you're setting 
things on fire...learn
how to put them out.

In the first responder world...or any other place, non-intervention (sort of doing nothing) is a strategy or course of action that is on the proverbial menu.  We say, "All fires go out, and all bleeding stops...eventually."  Those two particular categories are not generally well positioned for selecting non-intervention as a way forward.  If it's your house, or your blood, "eventually" isn't something you want to hear in the conversation.  With any decision that has to be made, there are multiple paths (courses of action - COAs) that can be evaluated and selected.  Most of the time in life, these decisions are happening almost autonomously in the background of your brain.  Take, for example, your drive to work and back.  You're generally in a habitual rut and go into a bit of an autopilot to safely traverse your town.  Other times, in new or novel situations (like a disaster), the decision-making takes on a much more robust calculus of weighing options and selecting a plan.  

The ice will melt if
we're ready...or not.  
Get going.

In our lives, we have to make many decisions every single day...some big, most trivial.  Non-intervention is always on the table...but not always a winning way to move forward.  When we do select it, it has to be proactively chosen and selected...not an outcome of analysis paralysis.  For some of our decisions in life, there is the added stress or pressure of time.  We train in the first responder and military world until the core tasks become ingrained.  When we add the pressure of time constraints as instructors, most people hiccup a little.  With practice, your decision-making muscles get stronger with time and exposure.  You can work on some of the crisis readiness as a family by building your decision-making systems and exercising them.  For example, work through "where to eat" or "what to wear" in a systematic way once or twice to test out those muscles.  As they develop, you'll be better positioned to make the right decision on the big ones "where to move," "what job to take," or "what car to buy."   

When we look at decision-making, one of the first steps is to understand the decision itself and the

Finger food is always a good 
option if you were curious.  

ramifications as fully as we can.  In evaluating that, it's been said that we know what we know (the sky is blue, temp is 70 degrees today).  We also, often tend to know what we don't know (the forecast calls for rain later this afternoon) - it's not certain, but we know to ask the question.  The third category, or as it's been called, "the Thin Red Slice" are the pieces of information that we don't know we don't know.  As you're making decisions, going out of your way to understand the decision-making environment is important.  Using our "where to eat" example, the things we know (e.g. we like Mexican food) and the second category, what we don't know (e.g. if the new Mexican place in town is good), are pretty straightforward.  The part we don't know we don't know (e.g. that we might like Mediterranean food, but haven't tried it) is part of the equation.  From there, we can start laying out the courses of action and consequences...upside vs downside potential.  At worst, in this example, we'd be out a few bucks and hopefully have a good meal behind our belt.  

As we practice being intentional, proactive, and thoughtful about our decision-making, it soon becomes a habitual pattern.  We can use the same process for the bigger things - get married, have kids, move across the country, take a gap year, pull the trigger on retirement, or other major milestones.  Any of those things can be managed and moved into...and they're blessings.  When we don't do our proactive homework, they can be nightmares.  A raced-into marriage, a child unplanned, a spur-of-the-moment "take this job and shove it" decision can result in lasting and damaging consequences.  

Getting organized
is probably never
the wrong answer.

Anyhow, getting back to the theme of the post, and pushing the pause button on the big things for a minute while you buy the time for due diligence and research is prudent.  You'll hear that you'll never be fully ready to have a child...there is probably some truth in that...it's also true that 80 years old isn't a great age to start parenting.  That said...you can be more ready than not.  Take the time to get married to the right person (I had a cousin who was at the point of "we'll either have another kid or get divorced)...get your financial orders in some shape, and think through how you'll raise the kiddo, etc.  Using non-intervention intentionally to tackle some milestones, then jumping into action is a win.  In another example, we may use non-intervention with a frustrating job while checking boxes.  "We'll save $1,000/month for moving costs, pay down xx% of our home, and get past the 401k vesting timeline so that by 12/31/20xx, we'll be in a position to move to one of these three places."  With an end in mind, slogging through a hard season...non-intervening...becomes more manageable.  

If you're in a rut,
call the Pony
Express to bring info.

When you find yourself on the edge of analysis paralysis and frozen in the headlights, try to determine the decision-making information threshold (what criteria do you need to make a decision/move to action) and set a timeline for when you'll make the decision...ready or not.  Think through how/where you'll get the information you need...then go do it.  Don't get stuck for 20 years in a rut just by default/defacto.  You've got power in your life and family...embrace that, celebrate it, leverage it, harvest it.  Don't hesitate to hit the pause button...but don't let the pause button keep you from the play button either.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out an area of your life where you feel like you've unintentionally had non-intervention as a strategy.  Carefully consider, as a family, if you should take action and how to get there.  List out three mini-actions or information requirements to get to a decision.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in some of those "stuck spots" of life.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Non-intervention in Fire 

Moments or Momentum?

Moments or Momentum?

You might have to 
study the frog...

Being overweight, screen-addicted, having an affair, or whatnot doesn't happen in a moment, they happen through momentum.  I had a pastor friend from church pouring into some of us when we were younger and he was unpacking the warning signs and watch-out situations that we needed to be aware of as newly married guys.  He said, "You don't just go walking down the street, trip on a crack, and fall into someone else's private parts."  Wowzer, it sounds crude even writing it all these years later...but he wasn't wrong.  His point was, affairs don't happen in an instant, they happen because we sat on a slippery slope and tempted fate, seeing just how far we could go before we fell over the edge...all excited with the adrenaline...until we fall over the edge.  Affairs may have started innocently enough by laughing at a joke, flirting across the business table, confiding spousal frustrations to a co-worker, or making eye contact in the hotel bar.  Over time, through momentum, we suddenly realize that "that last thing wasn't so bad" and we up the ante just a little bit.  Like the proverbial old boiling water frog, when we realize we're in it up to our neck, it's far too late.  

Kids can drive...
sort of...

In order to help protect ourselves and honor/hold up our commitments to our spouses and families, we have to protect ourselves from both the moments, but more importantly the momentum.  In order to do so, it's important to have rules and a process for exceptions.  We can statistically hedge against many of the catastrophic bad outcomes with intentional systems.  As an example, habitually, consistently wearing a seatbelt makes you less likely to die in a car accident.  Having a rule that firmly states that "the car doesn't move until everyone is seatbelted in" sounds silly to say, especially when your 4-year-old reminds you from the backseat that you forgot to buckle yours before backing out of the garage.  Even with rules, we sometimes get into a terrible car accident the first time we decided not to wear a seatbelt...but statistically, that's unlikely.  

Helmets may
be required.

With our rules firmly in place, we can have a process or set of conditions that are pre-established for exceptions.  In our seatbelt example, our family has a pass to a regional "drive-thru" zoo...and a seatbelt exception that while on the 5 mph road, our kids can unbuckle and sit up front (and even drive sometimes).  This exception was put into place with clear analysis and conversations about the upside and downside potentials in the situation.  Our kids clearly know that we have a seatbelt rule 100% of the time and can articulate the rare exceptions and, more importantly, "why" they're exceptions (under 10 mph, no other traffic, etc).  

Pump the brakes when you 
don't have guardrails.

Applied to other parts of family life, we can put up guard rails to help fence ourselves from the sharp edges and dangerous curves of life.  You've likely heard it before, but it's a best practice to avoid riding solo on the road with a member of the opposite sex.  Call me a prude but as a very experienced road tripper, long car rides are an intimate experience.  The miles and rhythms of the highway end up leading the conversation into personal spaces.  Our rule, or a guard rail, if you will, is that my wife and I won't ride with members of the opposite sex.  There's a certain practicality that sometimes requires an exception...and we've clearly communicated (my wife and I) those criteria.  A few include, telling each other about it (no secrets), we both know the person/they're significantly older (e.g. I've got a co-worker old enough to be my mother), or it's transactional in nature (e.g. the shuttle driver from the oil change place).  

Cookie bandits...might become 
momentum worthy.

As you're thinking about the idea of moment or momentum, hopefully, you're seeing the principles from the above examples and applying them to your own life and circumstances.  From a health perspective, one donut (moment) doesn't really matter, one bag of donuts every Saturday (momentum) adds up.  In a financial context, one moderate splurge occasionally fits (moment), and trading up a new car every year (momentum) will break the bank long term.  In parenting, having a bad day and hollering at the kids (moment) can be forgiven, being a raging jerk every day (momentum) is abusive.  

This is where it starts.

We can apply the same rules/exceptions to any category of life (e.g. rule = check with the other spouse if we're going to spend over $100, not on groceries or fuel).  Our rules can (and should) become habitual (e.g. we generally eat well-balanced, nutritional-rich meals at home).  They can also fall down a slippery slope when we let the moment gain momentum (e.g. finishing the Halloween candy turns into binging at Thanksgiving, then hammering the Christmas cookies).  The idea of rules/exceptions isn't to be some restrictive construct that rules your life with an iron fist.  Much like diet and budgeting are amazing tools to help you live your best life, rules/exceptions inspired by the momentum act as the guardrail to keep us from careening off the cliffs when we're going too fast for conditions.  

Have guardrails...
but do life BIG!

As you're thinking about your own life, consider the habitual patterns/ruts/momentum you've generated over time in each category.  Is your momentum taking you closer or further away from where you say you want to be as a family?  Do you have rules in place to help you avoid the bad moments or momentum that can lead to tragedy?  We hope this post inspires some conversation that leads to some course correcting in your home so that you can live your best life.  As we depart, remember that guardrails aren't there to see how close you can get to the edge without splattering, they're there so that we can drive through beautiful places while safely traversing tough terrain.  Go out and do big, beautiful, amazing things...just make sure you're financially, relationally, spiritually, emotionally, physically - still alive when you cross the finish line.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of "new rules" that you're going to implement with your family.  Grab a couple small ones (e.g. move the snacks out of site/off the kitchen counter) and one larger one that you can get some momentum going with.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of helping each other stay accountable to both the moments and momentum.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Jocko Willink - Discipline Equals Freedom