Happy Accidents

Happy Accidents

You might find
accidental 
treasure.

Sometimes, without much of our own doing we end up with an outcome or result that ends positively.  The history of inventors and scientists is ripe with stories where a byproduct became far more successful than the original hypothesis or attempt.  In our families, there are likely times when something we weren't expecting turns out to be a blessing in disguise.  The doors that closed we were hoping wouldn't end up being the door that had to close to get us to where we needed to be are happy accidents.  The importance of this is to watch for how to find the silver lining or make the accidents happy as we go through life.  

You might
find an
astronaut.

There are times when we can build the "triple option" to use a football analogy or, in other words, set up the fertile ground where something going right is more likely.  In the idea of making our own luck through preparedness, we can make happy accidents more likely.  For example, if we build a system where we create resilience...say multiple streams of income, disability insurance, education, networking, and so forth...a layoff has the potential to turn into a reinvention, gap year, travel opportunity, or something else positive.  On the other side, if you're living paycheck-to-paycheck, the same layoff can send you into a tailspin catastrophe.  

You'll learn how
to go fast...
eventually.

Part of the "happy accident" idea is a mindset that makes the best of whatever set of circumstances we're in. So much of our happiness or satisfaction is based on our expectations and our outcomes in relation to our expectations.  When we see the proverbial glass as half full, we're more likely to see the silver lining in an apparent negative situation and make the most out of the circumstances.  For our part in this, we should try to see our expectations right size or level so that our aspirations continue to push us forward. However, we aren't so lofty that a perceived failure becomes a fatal off-ramp to our life trajectory.  

This led to a 
new tree 
house.

Sometimes, as we explore these situations, we aren't able to see the happy accident in the moment.  A good friend once called it the "celestial theater," where we, years from now with wisdom and age can look back to see the blessing something was that changed our course...even if it was painful in the moment.  Some of these may be in heaven where we can see the turns like The Five People We Meet In Heaven from Mitch Albom that were invisible in the moment...but in hindsight had to happen.  As we look back...or forward...hopefully we have the wisdom or patience to know that God has a plan for us...even when we can't understand the turn-by-turn directions.  

You might
get a horse
out of the deal

What happens when things accidentally go right?  When we're accidentally lucky?  We've talked about the upside above...but it bears reminding that, while we should look for the happy in the accidents...we must watch for bad habits.  We've talked about it before, but the concept of normalized deviance is a dangerous precedent where just because a risky behavior turned out in our favor doesn't mean we should keep doing the risky thing and/or not learn from the near miss.  

Get up...
learn...go 
again.

Part of avoiding normalized deviance while embracing the happy accidents is to do an "after action review" or AAR as it's called.  This is a deliberate and intentional process of introspection and facilitated discussion questions.  What went well in spite or despite of you and your efforts?  Can you count on those things happening again?  Can you prime the ground to be more fertile/can you "create" luck? Did what we intended to do occur?  Often we frame it with what should we start/stop/sustain (keep) doing so that we can capitalize don't the successes and correct the failures.  

As we wrap up, think about what you can do to look for the blessings and the happy accidents in the paths of life.  As you start to see the ups in the downs, you can begin to get in front of your system and build it so that there are more wins in losses.  More lessons learned and high points in the failures.  As you start to look for the happy accidents...you'll start to see them and over time, you'll be able to get closer to creating them.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of historic happy accidents that you didn't want to happen in the moment but wouldn't change now.  Take a moment to explore the situations and apply a lesson or principle that you can use in the future.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of seeing...and creating happy accidents.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- There Goes My Life - Kenny Chesney

Shortcuts and Speeding

Shortcuts and Speeding

Ramps help.

Shortcuts and speeding. In life, or on the road, neither is likely to get you to your destination way ahead of schedule.  Do the math on 5 or 10 over as it relates to reaction time, stopping distance, in time on arrival.  Say you've got a 60-mile drive (for the sake of easy math) the difference between 60 mph to 120 mph is 30 minutes.  At 90 mph, it's only 15 minutes.  At 75 mph, it's closer to 5 minutes.  Having driven to many emergencies over the years, the ability to safely drive those high-end speed limits is largely a farce.  Your reaction time to anything going wrong or any dynamic variables is significantly reduced and puts you (and all those around you) in harm's way.  This is to say nothing of the difference in a fine for 60, 30, 15 over.  

Sometimes
we need an
assist.

Similarly, the shortcuts of "turn down this back alley" generally don't end up saving you much time in the long run.  Sure, you might get lucky with the detour on a frontage road around a stall on the interstate...or you might just end up stuck in the residential street system with you and your closest 500 clever compatriots.  I'm writing this post shortly after the ChatGPT AI on the main stage moment.  Holy cow, there's a feeling of dread for many out there in the content creation space that the shortcut of AI is going to ruin the blog/vlog/podcast/etc space.  It sure has that potential, but asking yourself honestly why you're doing what you're doing is a critical component of living a meaningful life.  For me, this blog isn't about "making cash" but enjoying the writing and having accountability to stick after it...I don't need the shortcut...nor do I want it.  

Hop a golf
cart cab.

If you're only doing something to check a box or do the minimum to raise a child, be a spouse, earn a paycheck, etc - sure, shortcuts and speeding will get you by for a long time.  If instead, you're trying to live a full and rich life, your best life...avoid the shortcuts and speeding.  Ultimately when you cheat long enough, your whole identity becomes that of a cheater.  When you think about what shortcuts look like in family life, it likely involves putting the wrong things in the top of your priority list.  Are you cheating with your football games by taking time away from family and putting it toward that?  What about sticking around after work until the kids go to bed?  I understand balance and advocate that you have to keep things right-sized...but I know I'm guilty sometimes of taking shortcuts or speeding at home.  

Or a 
subway.

There was a sign in a mechanic shop the other day - "Service - fast, quality, cheap - pick 2."  In other words, you can have fast and cheap service...but it won't be quality.  Similarly, you can have cheap, quality service...but it won't be fast.  There aren't really shortcuts, just dueling tradeoffs that you have to choose carefully from throughout life.  When we talk about home life in terms of calendars or budgets for a minute the "shortcut" of not talking about money or managing your time likely means you'll end up out of sync, frustrated, and spend more time in the long run trying to undo the momentum of the train going the wrong direction for too long.  

Or a bridge.

Over the years, we've tried to be good stewards of finances and share the knowledge of "how to" and "why to" with those in our circles (e.g. teaching the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course at church).  I don't know how many friends over the years have opted, instead for the get-rich-quick schemes only to realize that there isn't such a thing.  The old truth of "make more than you spend, invest the difference, then wait" is hard to beat and time-tested.  When we try to find shortcuts or speed up the process, there's a chance it'll go right...but a bigger chance that, particularly in this case, you'll end up just missing the critical time for compound interest to get established and take root.  

Or harness
up your dog.

Another example with road trips.  It's tempting to get on the road and hurry along, trying to shave minutes off of the potty stop and fueling up.  Furthermore, speeding along a few over the speed limit with the hope of arriving on time at your destination.  By doing so, you'll likely squish out the margin - you'll end up with a frustrated family, miss seeing the roadside attraction, get a speeding ticket, or be going too quick to miss the deer who jumps into the road.  Perhaps, instead of trying for shortcuts or speeding, just leave an hour early...it'll go better for everyone involved.  The same is true with life.  Speeding and shortcuts shrink margins and make you miss some of the spice of life that makes life worthwhile.  

Or a scooter and
a big hill.

Lastly, as we depart, remember that hurrying things along in seasons of life is a fool's rush.  We may feel like we want to get out of whatever season of life - diaper stage, toddlerhood, teenage years...but when they're gone...they're gone and we can't get them back.  If you visit a nursing home, chances are most of the folks in there would trade you places to go back to your frazzled diaper season of life.  If you, instead, just pour into the season you're in as opposed to rushing you'll be able to look back on life without or without as many regrets as you might've otherwise had.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few places where you've been speeding or taking shortcuts.  Write out three action steps to get the margin back and balance out the speedometer.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of keeping each other accountable for being on the right track...at the right pace.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Speeding & Aggressive Driving

Go Bigger

Go Bigger

Mammoths are bigger.

It's been said that we should take a minute for introspective pause and reflection where we write our obituary...a moment to sum up who we are when we're done.  Warren Buffett flipped it and summed it up, [On living your best life:] “You should write your obituary and then try to figure out how to live up to it.  It’s not that complicated.”  This desired end-state thinking likely means you've got to go bigger.  When you consider your life summed up, your legacy, so to speak, it hopefully is a call to action to do life bigger.  Could be this means bigger travel, bigger family, bigger servant in the community...think about what you want to be known for...then just go do that.  

Superman...big
and little.

Too often in life, we're our own worst enemy or at least our own worst brake pedal.  Much like Roger Bannister going bigger and running the first 4-minute mile unlocked the impossible, we each have our own barriers.  I remember in high school, I "couldn't" pass a particular buddy in running.  In one race, he just wasn't passing another runner...and I passed them both.  Impossible is only impossible until you...or someone does it.  Once I was able to get out of my own head and "go bigger," I was able to work through training to get faster than I thought was possible.  Nothing spectacular but faster than I thought possible.  

Realizing the 
gator is bigger 
enough to eat you.

Let's think about what bigger could look like in your family life.  In each facet of our lives, we can define a "bigger" way of doing life.  Just because someone told you it's impossible doesn't mean you have to believe them.  Let's talk finances for a minute.  You've likely heard or been told directly, "It's impossible to buy a house."  Tune into Dave Ramsey and you'll hear from folks who not only found it possible...but found it possible to buy a house for cash...no mortgage.  Never thought you could become a millionaire?  Again, tune into Dave...there are 22 million millionaires in the US...that's one in fifteen Americans.  Why not you?  The math isn't complicated, actually, the path is relatively simple and although challenging, overall simple in nature.  

NYC is bigger
than life.

Told you have to raise your children on screens as the only way possible.  Turns out generations for millennia successfully got kids to adulthood without tech devices in their hands.  There is an entire movement of 1,000 Hours Outside that helps families get outdoors, away from screens.  The founders of the movement...from the inner city.  It's possible.  We've had folks in our circle who didn't think big enough, and because it was easy, plugged their tiny babies into screens.  Fast forward and now their "adult" children are unable to function in polite society without staring at a screen at the dinner table and barely able to hold down a job.  Going bigger is worth it...you just have to choose to do so.  

Bigger right before blowing
it up to a million bits.

In another facet, we've had folks tell us "It must be nice to be able to home-school, I wish we could do that."  In going bigger, oftentimes it's not a wish...but a series of small decisions, sacrifices, and voila...overnight success, so to speak.  Our homeschooling journey has involved rethinking employment, cutting back on income potential fairly significantly, and changing up how we were planning on doing life.  That said, it's also entailed an incredible journey traveling to 49 of the states and most all of the national parks (among many other incredible sights) in the last eight years.  Along the way, our family has found new friendships, connected deeply to our community, and have kids who seem well-adjusted and on the path to successful adulthood.  

Biggest buffalo.

When we talk about going bigger, we're not talking about the tangible...bigger car, bigger house, bigger mortgage, bigger waistline.  We're talking about the philosophical answer to the Mary Oliver question, "Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"  When you're living your best life, the answer becomes a resounding, well-rounded, "bigger."  We'll do life bigger.  That means we'll hit goals that we thought were insurmountable in all the facets of our lives.  We'll live and love our family bigger than what society tells us we should or are capable of.  When we get out of our own way...when we cast off the anchors that we self-imposed...when we live life bigger...we can truly say that we're living our best life and not have it be a pithy bumper sticker slogan.  

Stop doing only the things you know you'll have success on...or know you can accomplish.  Start trying things you're not so sure about.  Look at the benchmarks and do bigger.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out something you can "go bigger" on this week - write down three actions that you'll go bigger on.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of doing life in a bigger way.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Eric Thomas 

- Thousand Hours Outside 

Normalizing Deviance

Normalizing Deviance

Gotta have a
bag.

We often deviate from our processes or protocols that have been instituted habitually.  Over time, we get risky habits that have been accidentally lucky and end up standardizing our departure from "the plan or checklist."  We have to take a look at what we're doing and make sure we're not taking shortcuts that will eventually catch up to us when we "run out of luck."  This phenomenon of normalized deviance has been well-studied in the aviation/aeronautics industry with the lessons spilling over into other professions.  In the fire service, we've studied the lessons in the quintessential NASA Challenger tragedy.  

Learn from 
others.

The short version of the Challenger was that over time, the o-rings in the fuel cylinder were known to be potentially problematic, particularly in cold weather, although they hadn't "been" problematic up until the launch.  Fast forward, this known deviance through testing, over and over without consequence from the o-rings was allowed to progress...because you know...nothing had actually happened so far.  On the date of the flight, a cold day, the o-rings failed allowing flames from the engine into the fuel tanks, resulting in a catastrophic accident killing everyone on board.  The normalized deviance from the process, the summation of a series of accidentally lucky occurrences, culminated in tragedy.  

You might get stuck.

At home and in family life, we can likely find parallel to the normalized deviance process...and hopefully, you're reading this before tragedy strikes.  We'll use a few examples of systems around the house that may unpack what a "standard operating procedure (SOP)" may be and what deviance may look like.  In a diet/exercise example, we may have a set number of calories that we maintain to keep solid energy and a healthy weight.  The deviance that we normalize might be the proverbial "cheat day" where we sneak a cookie or a piece of cake.  One probably no big deal...one a week, one a day, one an hour suddenly become a big deal.  

Catch a frog. 

Similar to the old adage of the frog in the boiling pot of water doesn't notice he's boiling until it's too late, normalized deviance sneaks up on us.  You could probably get away with not wearing a seatbelt or bike helmet for years...until the day you don't.  You can probably get by with smoking cigarettes, having a drink, or an extra cookie...until you get that doctor's visit.  The point of systems, as Jocko Wilink puts it with his, "discipline equals freedom," mantra is to give you a framework that allows healthy daily activity and long-term results.  

Talk your bro
into hauling you.

To use the analogy of budgeting as an example, your system of putting some money toward your future (savings and investments) a little bit every month over time can become a pile, a life-changing pile with the miracle of compounding interest.  On the flip side, the normalized deviance of spending everything (and sometimes more) than what is coming in every month is a dangerous precedent.  In the beginning, not investing $50/month doesn't seem like a huge loss...compounded over time, not just as money but as habit means you're also not saving or investing the $1,000/month when your income grows.  When you run this normalized deviance out over a lifetime, is it any wonder why so many folks have to rely only on Social Security?  

Don't fall in when you 
feed the ducks. 

Shifting gears a little bit, chances are no one, or hopefully no one, sets out to commit adultery intentionally.  Chances are most cases are a slippery slope of normalized deviance involving a series of escalating small steps until you fall over the edge of a cliff.  Smiling, flirting, lunch, dinner, business trip, and so forth until you've gone too far.  The importance of SOPs, systems, and rules in our lives cannot be overstated.  This isn't a "thou shalt not have a cookie" scolding but rather a reminder that things like your marriage vows and such are sacred and should be treated as such.  

In your home, you hopefully have systems for money management, scheduling activities, expectation setting, and goal selection.  You likely sense when something is out of balance when there's a disturbance in the Force.  When you notice that you're cutting corners or that the results you desire are slipping further away instead of getting closer...probably a good reminder to look at the systems you have...and if you're deviating.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a part of life that you're noticing is slipping.  Look for three things that are small deviations from your "normal" and apply corrective steps.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of a system and how to lean in together as a family.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Normalizing Deviance - NASA and firefighting

- Normalized Deviance - Ted Talk

- Normalized Deviance - Challenger Article 

100% Commitment...Each

100% Commitment...Each

It's a lifetime commitment.

Commitment is an interesting concept.  Whether we're talking about our work life, home life, or anything in between, the idea of commitment offers some fascinating conversation starters.  We often hear about 100% commitment as an expectation when entering a new job, relationship, or whatever else.  The paradox with much of this commitment is that it requires not 100% commitment...but 100% commitment from each "half" of the equation.  We expect the commitment of our work to pay us our paycheck at the end of the month; in return, they expect us to do the thing they've hired us to do.  

Gotta show up.

When it comes to our home life, it takes two people to get married, but, sadly only one to split up a marriage.  This 100% commitment...each...concept helps us realize that our commitment can't be done blindly in a silo but in concert with our other half.  In other words, we not only have to show up to the game but make sure the other teammates are on the field as well.  Certainly, there are times and seasons of life when one partner (spouse, parent, employee/employer, etc) will pick up more or less of the slack but generally, both have to show up to "get it done."  

It's a habit.

Similarly, with parenting, you don't get to "opt" in when it is convenient, it's a 100% commitment level activity for the minimum of "18 years" as they say...but really for life.  The 100% commitment inherently means things like sacrifice.  You may rather watch football with your buddies on Sunday...but now you're taking the kids to their little league practice.  This isn't a rollover where you give up everything you ever were interested in but rather a realization that "what's mine is yours" in terms of time, energy, resources, interest, attention, and so forth.  

Lean in when
you're a crazy
motorcycle guy.

In the 100% commitment conversation we're talking about...commitment...not output or result per se.  In other words, if both of us are fighting over who gets to do 100% of the dishes that's not helpful.  Part of commitment is the complementary nature of filling in the gaps.  In this season, perhaps I do the dishes and you do the cooking or whatever task breakdown works for the family.  It may mean one of us is staying home with the kids while the other is the primary breadwinner.  These divide-and-conquer divisions of labor aren't a better or worse than, but a show of our commitment to the success of the whole.  I think oftentimes we get resentful when the expectations of commitment aren't met - he or she isn't helping with anything around the house, isn't contributing.  I don't know that too much strife is popping up when the other half is leaning in on their strengths while you lean in on yours.  

Ride or die.

When you unpack this a little bit, mathematically, 50+50=100...but if we're only both half showing up, we'll leave the other half of our team wanting.  Think about what "half time" showing up looks like in parts of your life.  If you half showed up at home, work, marriage...I doubt you'd have terribly good results.  Now think about what happens when you multitask ...when we split our focus, are we delivering?  The other day someone said, "I double or triple screen all the time" and after unpacking that a bit, turns out it means you're "paying attention" to several screens all at once.  Perhaps while watching a movie, you're also scrolling on a tablet and texting on your phone.  I don't know about you, but the proverbial "chew bubblegum and walk" seems much simpler.  Now overlay that "triple screen" with trying to pay attention to your spouse or children.  

Even if you
get thrown in 
the pokey.

Part of the 100% commitment at a macro level is keeping things in balance.  For many years, I've worked in emergency management, and the sexy siren call of deployment is always out there.  The fast-paced, adrenaline-heavy "ride in on a white horse and save the day" is hard to beat.  The whole idea of a job description being "be the best part of someone's worst day" is a temptation that is hard to resist.  That said, inherently, it's a suitcase profession where you're gone many nights each year.  Also, with the seriousness of the topic, you're so plugged in for so many hours every day that everything back home takes a backseat afterthought until you're done with the deployment.  For me, after we got married and had kids, the 100% commitment at a life level meant that deployment was not part of the equation.  In my opinion, too many of us make the "work" decision and consequently, most of my colleagues, peers, and friends in that space are divorced or single.  The decisions with commitment come with ramifications.  

Lean in with the posse.

As our kids are getting up into the years of athletics and extracurriculars we've had many conversations about which activities prepare them for the 100% commitment lessons that will serve them through life.  Growing up, our family was largely a wrestling and track one.  Several of us stayed competitive throughout college with sports.  The reason I bring this up is that with wrestling and running...you're mano-e-mano, no hiding out on this play or that.  With combat sports and long-distance running, you have to give 100% commitment in the pre-season and throughout the match.  In most sports, you can sandbag it a bit and still be on a winning team (e.g. the wide receiver is probably not sprinting all out on a running play up the middle).  

You're all in
when you tip
over the edge. 

With wrestling and running, if you didn't show up in the lead-up practices or for the match...it's pretty painfully obvious since you're the only one standing out there getting your butt kicked.  There are not a ton of excuses you can bring to the table for how the "other guy" let you down in that environment.  The parallel between marriage and parenting hopefully isn't lost here.  Outside of some extreme cases, our divorce rate isn't all "the other person's" fault.  Had each half of the marriage and parenting thing shown up 100%, chances are we'd have a lot more healthy, well-adjusted, stable adults in the society.  

Bring your stuff.

On the flip side, with team sports (and family life), part of our 100% commitment is not just showing up on gameday, but more importantly, showing up before the season in practice and training camps to ensure readiness.  If you're not married yet, consider what your training camp might look like.  Andy Stanley talks about "being the person that you're looking for is looking for."  Are you getting your finances in order?  Are you developing healthy habits and hobbies?  Are you establishing a job that will provide for and protect your future family?  Commitment, 100% style, is a much longer endeavor than just walking on the field and winging it.  

All of that to say, as we've said, "progress over perfection."  If you're not there yet, start today with small steps that bring your commitment level up.  Consider the parts of your life and what "more" commitment looks like...today.  Start with that and continue to increase the level of leaning-in.  You'll be shocked what consistent effort from now through, say the end of the year, looks like in terms of results.  You got this...lean in.  Your family (and your future self) will appreciate the effort...and the results.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of items or ways that you can live more 100% committed.  Perhaps that's dropping the phone by the door when you come in and give all of your attention.  Maybe it's leaning in on chores more heavily.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of commitment.  How can each one of you in the home do more to spread the burdens and the wealth?  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Eminem - "Til I Collapse"  (lyric warning)

- Andy Stanley (Be the person you're looking for is looking for)