Permanence

Permanence

Recently, a colleague was talking about "her ex-husband and her current wife."  All beliefs and politics aside on switching teams...the word "current" was heartbreaking.  No matter who you marry, you hope (and work toward) permanence...the whole "til death do us part" part of your vows.  The word "current" implied to me, a not close friend or colleague, as a flippant "until I find someone one better," which is a far cry from the "in sickness, and in health" commitment we hope for when we tie the knot.

In another instance, someone in our circle is "transitioning" genders and in trying to unpack it with some questions, I asked "trans" as in "transitioning" or implying going from one thing to an endpoint of another thing.  I can sort of get my head around that...maybe...butterflies in nature coming from a caterpillar, and on a lighter note, Michael Martin Murphy's old cowboy song "Where Do Cowboys Go When They Die?."  I was fairly ripped a new one when I was told there is no end point... it is fluid...it's whatever you want, right now, in the moment, whatever feels good.  That's a far cry from a base of a fundamental truth that you can build everything else upon.  

Some of our human history 
is pretty permanent...go see it.

That slippery slope is beyond scary...when we strip away whatever fundamental truths we've held and at a core level, strip away our base nature (hormones, body parts, etc), what's left?  We seem, en mass, to have forgotten that there are consequences, real and immediate as well as lasting and/or costly consequences for our decisions and actions.  At what point do those deeply held (conditioned through years of trial/error, course correction, dedication, and commitment) roles become transitory to our most selfish and shortsighted desires?  Can I just wake up tomorrow morning and decide I'm not going to be a worker anymore?  I'm transitioning.  When I see an attractive person, can I put my marriage on hold and simply "not be married" for a while?  I'm transitioning.  How about when parenting gets tough and I decide, to make the conscious decision, not to be a parent anymore?  I'm transitioning.  Our communities and country were built on the bedrock of commitment, courage, and steadiness.  

Like someone cascading down a slippery hill and can't stop with calamity at the bottom, so goes our unmooring from the realities we've created.  Do transitions in life happen?  Sure.  Are some intentional and some accidental?  Sure and sure.  Does the normalizing of "transitioning" make it easier for the rest of us to view our selfish desires as king?  Scary questions.  

Perhaps, continuing the cowboy song analogy, flowers in nature, especially in the mountains are in constant transition.  They pop up around the snow, live a short but spectacular life, and are fairly quickly consumed or wither.  They can transition to smiles, especially if you're a kid delivering them to your mother, even if she's got allergies that make her sneeze when she gets them.  

Permanence in many ways is 
comforting.

Random side note, but recently at a friend's house, their teen son was glued...glued semi-permanently to the gaming system and the big screen.  The characters on screen dying, coming back, dying again.  The games switching from one to another.  In parallel, we were recently out on a hike in nature near our home and walking through giant granite spires...rocks that had been there mostly forever.  Rocks that you can count on...rocks that if you fell off of, you'd be dead...permanently.  I can't help but wonder if our remote-controlled, multi-screen device lifestyle and lack of nature are leading us to some of these transitions.  

I'm no Freud, and far from an expert on any of this stuff, just a dad and husband who is trying to understand the world to hopefully best prepare our kids for whatever is around the bend.  I, we, in our home try to be and raise kids who are open-minded, critical thinkers, who seek to understand a situation, and so forth.  I'm hopeful, but not so optimistic, that our world can have dialogue and conversation to understand complex topics...not vehemently get shut down when you ask a question.  

All of that said, perhaps getting out in nature, seeing the relative permanence of rocks, mountains, deserts, oceans, stars...as well as the transitory nature of seasons, streams, forests, and animals to find a balance and peace that leads to understanding.  Perhaps, leaving the "trappings of man" (mostly disguised anymore as something with a screen), we can find the clarity that helps us all better understand our world and those we share it with.  

Here's to shared understandings through open, non-judgy conversations and dialogue. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Talk with your family about three things that are transitionary in your life (i.e. toddlerhood, pre-school) and three that are permanent (i.e. God's creation, our love for the kids).  Define the differences.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Take a moment to identify permanent things around your home and those that are maybe not so much - buildings, roads, streets, etc.  Use those moments to have a conversation about foundational, permanent truths.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) relating to being permanent.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

-  George Strait Love Without End, Amen - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkscNqCCDl0 

Locard's Theory

Locard's Theory

Locard's Theory of Transferrence is a cornerstone of forensic science and loosely states that anytime we're anywhere for some time, we transfer trace evidence to the new place in our wake (and take some stuff with us).  If you watch CSI or most other crime shows, you'll see the protagonist finding the "smoking gun" piece of trace evidence that links the dastardly villain to the vile deed in question...and they put a tidy bow on the whole thing within the hour (including time for commercials).  Like most things here at Family In The Arena, we explore topics that hopefully strengthen who you are as a family and get you generally closer to who you want to be as a family.  

Today we'll explore the principle of Locard, not from the transference of trace evidence within your home (although, if you got little boys, I'm sure you can attest to the accuracy of the literal theory that stuff gets brought in and dropped all over your home), but more metaphorically when it comes to the "softer" parts of our family and home life.  As we talk about our take of Locard's Theory, open your mind to think about what "trace evidence" gets dropped on you and what are you dropping around.  

The 5.0 is en route.

One of the other parallels I want to draw here is the "kick the dog" syndrome that we can too often haul home with us.  If our day was full of negative interactions where other people or our situation left trace evidence of grouchiness on us...chances are, we may shed off traces of that on those we love the most and deserve it the least.  I know I've been guilty of it too often that I'll let the weight of the day spill over on ways I'm not proud of manifested in sarcastic or snide remarks that are uncalled for at home.  It sounds silly, but on the way home, pull over in a parking lot on the route and stop, literally pull over, open the door, take all the baggage you picked up that day, and set it outside.  If it's still important in the morning, feel free to stop back by and pick it up...if it hasn't already blown away or you haven't forgotten about it.  

Sometimes all you leave is 
the word "snake" to
scare mom.

You've probably heard it before, but it's pretty true that we're an average of our immediate circle.  If you associate with drunkards at the bar, chances are, if you're not a drunkard at the bar already, you're well on your way.  It (and those in it) rub off on us and we take a piece of them with us.  For better or worse, good or bad...so choose carefully what circle(s) you're in.  If you're reading this, you've probably "made it" and this becomes more important for your kids coming up.  As they age into their teenage years and beyond, they'll start to look and act more like their circle.  This is important because in that transition from our nexus of influence (up through elementary school), we can help shape some of those interests that will translate into their chosen groups later on.  It's not categorical but if they grew up in the locker rooms of traveling hockey...they'll likely end up associating with different types of folks than if you had them in band practice or the peewee chess club.  

Doing some stress decon with a hike at
Joshua Tree National Park.

With HAZMAT, we take a proactive, intentional step to set up a decontamination station to help wash the "crap" off of us physically.  With critical incident stress from first responder-dom or military, it's important to "decon" our minds/spirit in healthy ways along the path.  Think about how you can "decon" the trace evidence that got picked up with you.  This could take the form of going out for a walk, taking a hike periodically, heading to a small group at church, going fishing, or whatever floats your proverbial boat and takes a weight off of your shoulders.  Doing this every so often helps empty out your stress bucket and keeps you moving forward. 

Before we depart, remember that much of what you leave behind ends up being contagious in a certain way.  You all know someone that is perpetually optimistic and when you're in their presence you feel more optimistic.  You probably also have some eternal little gray rain clouds like your own Eeyore Donkey in your circle that drains you when they come around.  Think about which one you are choosing to be for those around you...are you pumping people up or deflating them?  Just like you're picking up things from your interactions...you're also leaving them behind you that others pick up.   

Hopefully, this article gives you a pause to think about how you might be picking up some metaphorical mud on your shoes and where else you're leaving it.  Within the sections of your life, think carefully about what story the "trace evidence" you're leaving behind is telling those who stumble into it.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three "trace evidence" items that you've noticed you pick up on a regular basis and bring home that take you further away from the desired end state you have for your family.
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Brainstorm on what to do to stop bringing home that baggage or life changes that help make you more "immune" to the "stickiness" of that particular trace evidence. 
• Teach your kids that what they say, do, and who they associate with matters...that it's contagious.  Try to hold each other accountable (and them call you out) when you're not aligned with who you're trying to become.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Locard's Theory explained by a forensic scientist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSPRK5s1pH0 

- Wikipedia on Contagious Behavior  - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_contagion#:~:text=Behavioral%20contagion%20is%20a%20form,they%20have%20been%20exposed%20to.

O, Pioneers

O, Pioneers

We were talking the other day around the office about the supply and demand of the drug trade.  The conversation dove off into the demand side of the house.  We (first-world America), live in an era and place of near-constant comfort...and shockingly, for many, near-constant anxiety and depression.  They've even given a term to it "quiet deaths of despair."  In spite of our creature comforts, we convince ourselves we have it awful.  In terms of historical comparison...we've never had it better.  

You can even hire out your commuting cost
for the price of a lollipop these days.

Think for a minute about how much comfort we have at our fingers...every day.  Most of us live in continuous climate-controlled environments - cars, homes, offices, stores, movie theaters, etc - all have a thermostat on the wall to keep us comfortable.  Food and water - again, most of us have about any type and portion of food available, now with a click of an app delivered right to us.  Gone are the days of the hunter-gatherer warrior tribes where if you wanted a pizza you better pull out your bow and arrow and go pizza hunting.  Travel - similarly, we can get in reliable cars, planes, and trains, and go most anywhere on the planet relatively quickly and affordably.  Medicine - the same - almost any pill or procedure is available in just about any small town across the nation.  

I don't want to paint with too rosy of a brush, I get it, many people are struggling.  Period.  Having
worked in the first responder, military, and non-profit world...I get it...human life means struggling.  That said, "hard times make hard men, hard men make soft times, soft times make soft men, soft men make soft times."  When you think back to our parents, grandparents, and beyond, many of them rose to the occasion with hard times - depression, WWII, and many other obviously tough times.  When we say "it's never been harder," that's never been further from the truth than right now.  

Even camping is far from the 
discomforts of yesteryear.

Going back a few generations further to the pioneers (and certainly beyond that), holy cow, O Pioneers, we're spoiled and soft compared to that hardier stock that founded so much of our country.  For so many of them, survival was a daily struggle, a real, in-your-face, struggle to make it to the next day.  It was also a time when physical work was a necessity.  In one little way, chopping wood and heating with an inefficient fireplace in a small cabin compared to a commute to an office so I can pay to bump the thermostat or pull my Gortex coat out of the closet to stay warm today.  

At some point, like most things in life, perception and perspective can help you level-set your reality.  Clear back in the 1600's political philosopher, Thomas Hobbes described life as, "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short."  Even back then he went on to discuss how to get out of that situation.  His counterpart, John Locke viewed it more around the natural rights of "life, liberty, and property."  If you view life soundly in one of those camps some 400 years later, that's probably how life will go for you.  I've not got the rose-colored glasses on so soundly that I'm telling you that you can "believe" your way out of poverty, abuse, illness...but I am telling you that's the absolutely necessary first step.

Watching the
rodeo with some
young pioneers.

Back to where we started, the demand side of drug use, immersion in video games/social media/screens, or whatever else takes you out of your reality.  Ask yourself, very objectively, what's so awful, terrible, no-good, very bad about your life that you've got to run away from it?  Chances are when you break it down, for most people, it's a "comparison is the thief of joy" situation.  We've probably got it just fine...but when we look left and right (down the streets of social media), we suddenly convince ourselves that we've got it terrible...we don't have six new cars, a condo in Vail, a lear jet waiting for us, or a harem of trophy wife/husband types in a closet down the hall.  

If you wallow in that, you'll find exactly what you're looking for.  If instead, you embrace your inner pioneer spirit and set your eyes on the horizon of where you're trying to get to...you'll probably do it.  Before you whine about how hard life is today...think about how many ways it's easier than it's ever been to be a human on Earth.  Embrace those blessings and comforts...and realize they're relatively modern conveniences.  Change your perspective and live a happier life.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• List out three ways that you've got comfort.  Say out loud that you're grateful for those things.  Believe it.  Act like it.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Ask your family (around the dinner table or at the next family meeting) to describe how they are comfortable (or not)?  Discuss stories of your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. 
• Pick one thing that you're going to inject that brings discomfort (cold showers, no TV, no eating out, something)...and a new perspective.  Embrace that for a month and see how you feel when you're done with the month.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Get comfortable being uncomfortable - Ted Talk with Bella Watters - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4sy1Aq6euI 

- Blessings by Laura Story - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc 

- Tony Robbins - https://www.tonyrobbins.com/limiting-beliefs-guide/get-comfortable-being-uncomfortable/ 

Evolution vs Revolution

Evolution vs Revolution

For many of us, we face a choice, or, more likely many sets of choices where we have to decide how we're moving forward.  In each of those "big" decision points, you have a choice to make small, incremental changes (evolution) or scrap something/everything and start over (revolution).  Over the course of time, and the course of your family life, there are times for both and it takes discretion to pick the right strategy in the moment.  For most situations, evolution is probably what's needed, bumping forward in small steps from trial-and-error that get you closer to the desired end state.  If you picture the concept as a granite sculpture, evolution may look more like sandpaper while starting over with a new hunk of rock is more revolutionary.  

Explaining that to the kids at a regional airshow.

There's been talk for many years with clever examples of how small, incremental changes can make amazing, outsized differences.  There have been many stories of airplanes that get off by one degree and have to constantly keep making tiny corrections to arrive on time, and on target.  In today's era of high-end technology, it's less of a serious concern to safety.  However, not that long ago, WWII airplanes heading from the US to the European theater engaged in "deliberate offset."  That's because when they got all the way across the Atlantic and spotted land, they needed to know if they should turn left or right with precious little fuel margin on board to make a mistake.  

The Korean Air Flight 007 in 1983 made an unmitigated 1-degree error with fatal consequences after deviating into Soviet air space and getting shot down.  On the flip side, moving water from 211 degrees to 212, in large part, can be credited with the huge jump in human adaptation when our species mastered the power of steam engines.  In flight or any other example, the continuous and constant course corrections are small evolutionary tweaks, constant bumping of the controls to keep the plane on course to get to where it needs to go.  In your life, hopefully, you're making those small changes to your schedule, lifestyle, budget, or whatever else is important instead of getting to a point where you're so sick and tired...of being sick and tired...that revolution starts to look good.  

Sometimes revolution 
just looks pretty dang cool.

A few years ago, we were giving serious consideration to moving to another state that we enjoyed traveling to regularly.  In most ways, this would have been a revolution, a starting over with a new home, new community, new job, new church, a new network of connections, new friends, new everything.  There was some appeal to that...until we started thinking through what exactly that would look like in reality.  In this case, as we did some due diligence, it became clear that apples-to-apples, it'd cost us $12,000 a year, just in taxes, to make the swap.  There may have been some budget offsets in the cost of living or insurance, but just off the top, evolution began to look better.  Considering the high cost (in hours, not financial) of building new relationships, networks, and communities - evolution in our current location began to look much better.  The reality of each hour engaged in social networking would be an hour out of our precious discretionary bucket of family adventures.  

In another example, we did a job switch a few years ago where we moved from a situation that had evolved into a whole interconnected spiderweb of training, travel, volunteerism, and the day job all mixed together.  In trying to reset a bit, we switched to a new role, still in the same profession and town, but largely tossed the baby out with the bath water.  In hindsight, we landed on revolution but probably should have considered evolution...just staying at the original day job but pruning off all the extra that had made life stressful (which we did in the job change, anyway).  

Here goes the sled train 
full of toddlers. 

For others, it can be tempting in marriage to follow the trends of "when it gets hard, throw in the towel" or start a revolution, in other words.  Evolution in marriage probably takes the form of preventative maintenance (date nights, shared chores, budgeting, proactive counseling/therapy, limiting distractions, and so forth).  With kids and school, revolution may look like pulling them out and doing home school when you get frustrated.  Evolution may look more like joining the PTO, pouring into after-school programs, networking with school staff, etc.  For us, as we get into those early elementary school years, homeschooling was the glaring right answer for our family, in spite of, or perhaps in large part because of, the fact that my wife is a teacher who has a good view inside the school system.  On the flip side, if you're in an abusive relationship, it's probably time for revolution and starting over from scratch...even though, in the moment, that seems beyond impossible.  

Here goes a 1% set of 
cross-country skis through 
the neighborhood park.

As you can see, hopefully, we've shown that in times, both evolution and revolution are the right answers for your family.  The tricky part is determining which is which when we're staring emotion and frustration in the face or feeling stressed from where life has taken us...and anything feels better than where we are.  Next time you're facing a moment where you're not sure, grab some blank paper, and a pencil, and go for a walk with your spouse.  While you're walking, right down a paragraph that describes your current situation.  Jot down a few bullets of what is "so wrong" with the part of your life that you're in angst about.  Now, spend a minute brainstorming a few "1% changes" that might address those key issues.  Commit to doing those 1% things, to evolving that part of your life.  If they don't work, you can always start the revolt again later...but once you start the revolution, unringing that bell is often nearly impossible.  

In HAZMAT and the fire service, most pressurized vessels (think propane tanks) have what's called a pressure relief device (PRD).  These are often designed to rupture at a particular point to avoid an explosion when the tank is damaged or on fire.  From a technical perspective, the "frangible plug melts at a certain temperature" in order to serve as a trigger point to avoid catastrophic failure of the vessel.  Consider your 1% changes equivalent to pressure relief devices in your family life.  If you're feeling super stressed with finances and it's spilling over to your relationships, consider an evolution step - create a budget, read a finance book from the library, take a Ramsey Solutions Financial Peace Course, or whatever else.  Do some of those "small" things before you call up the lawyer, declare bankruptcy, sell your kidneys, and move to North Dakota to work on an oil drilling crew.  Evolution over revolution.  

In our moving example, one of our frustrations was the climate and weather that tends to keep us in more during the colder months of the year.  On the revolution, we could've packed the moving truck and headed for parts further south.  From an evolution point, some of the 1% changes we committed to were buying some extra warm winter gear, battery-powered hand warmers,  an electric 12-volt car blanket, and a couple thermos bottles to haul warm liquids.  We also found a few new winter hobbies and activities that made it more alluring to get out year-round.  Sure, those seem like an overly simple set of solutions, but it has made a difference over the past couple of winters.  Our antsiness subsided without the burdensome and costly reinventing ourselves on a beach in Florida. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three areas of your life that you're "frustrated" with and one 1% change for each.
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Sit down with your family and talk about things that you'd like to see...before you get to the revolution level of grouchiness.
• Practice due diligence on thinking through the actions to get to the desired end state...and the unintended consequences of making a revolution.  
  
• Now go practice the pressure relief valve/1% improvement changes that help you evolve along the way to live your best life.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- 212 Degree Motivational Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRDNLTMaZqo
- Evolution - https://changinghighered.com/evolution-vs-revolution-do-you-know-the-difference/