Feelings...expanded

Feelings Expanded

From: https://feelingswheel.com/

We often discuss our feelings in terms of a black-and-white, or a 1-or-0 approach.  In reality, it's much more nuanced than we often describe it.  It's generally accepted that there are 6 core emotions (fear, anger, surprise, happy, disgust, and sad).  When we stop there, we sell ourselves and our next steps short.  Whether with kids as they move from toddlerhood to pre-school and beyond...or with us as adults, using a rich vocabulary of words to describe feelings is essential to our well-being and those around us.  

Much like the saying "when the only tool we have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail," rings true, our limited naming of feelings begins to look like a problem with a hammer.  In other words, if I can only describe my emotion as "angry" that tends to color my kinesthetic response.  If, instead, I can look deeper at what I'm feeling and actually label it as a more accurate "betrayed or resentful," likely I respond differently, more toward the root cause.  When we get more specific, we tend to be addressing the "disease," not just the "symptoms" so to speak.  

Once in a while, you just need to build
a whole system to best use your wheel.

To view this through our other Ziglar Wheel we can ask ourselves how we feel in a particular domain of
our lives.  We should, hopefully, be using words in the outer circles of the above picture...or beyond so that we can start to identify and move to other parts of the circle that are more in line with where we want to be as a strategic desired end state.  For example, if we view our feelings related to money as "overwhelmed" vs "fearful" we can take steps to move forward such as simplifying or educating ourselves to become less overwhelmed.  In another example, if we ask our spouse how they feel and get "bad" back instead of "sleepy" or "rushed" we can start going down the wrong path toward trying to help find a fix when perhaps we should just be listening and supportive.    

Swinging brings out
so many emotions.
Give it a try soon.

To further illustrate the point, think about the emotions of a baby or a puppy...they really only have a couple of actions to convey feelings (e.g. cry).  As a baby progresses along the development ladder, they get a couple of words (e.g. "me sad").  With that largely open-ended trajectory, it leaves a parent often frustrated trying to play some version of a mash-up between 20-Questions and Charades ("Are you sad because you're...hungry, tired, lost your toy, need a diaper change, or any one of a hundred real or perceived problems).  As we grow up into adolescence and adulthood, how often do we allow our emotions to regress our vocabulary toward our caveman-style brethren?  When asked, "How are you doing?," how often do we respond with a one-word answer (busy, good, okay)?    

The point here is, that, as we've talked about...words matter.  By using rich language, we begin to more accurately describe our feelings (our present state) and then can convey that in ways that help us and those around us better interact.  In doing so, we can also more adequately address the root causes of our feelings in an effort to migrate toward more desired end states.  Again, in an example with money, we may ask ourselves what the desired feelings we'd like to be able to own when it comes to money as compared to the current feelings.  By labeling these intentionally, we can use our reverse engineer planning to start working forward with deliberate action.  

You get what you create.  Fill
your family up with many
rich words to live (and describe)
their best lives.

If you're a convert to this way of thinking, think about unpacking how you can develop a more rich vocabulary by exposing yourself to a more rich vocabulary...and trying out some of the new words.  Read from a new genre, try talk radio on your way home, search for a YouTube video teaching you something you've been curious to learn about, play Scrabble, or just open the Thesaurus next time you're doing some writing.  It seems awkward at first when you start to try out new words...both verbally and in writing...but soon it becomes just the way you do business.  You can (and should) also serve as a role model and coach in this space with your kids.  Instead of accepting a one-word, grunted answer...follow up with probing, open-ended questions (the 5 Why's) to help your loved ones get to a more foundational and honest answer.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Three times in the next week, name your feelings...only using the outer ring of the above chart.  Get in the habit of keeping your words out of the inner ring.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Model rich language and dialogue at home - ask a family question at dinner time, probe with additional questions when you debrief the day, call out "10 dollar words," etc.  
• Challenge yourself to come up with a half dozen more honest and creative answers to the "How are you doing?" question.  Practice using them in your vocabulary and daily interactions.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) regarding feelings.  Think about how you'll help your spouse and/or kids get deeper with their feelings...and better at solving the associated issues.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Feelings Wheel