Ends Justify the Means?

Ends Justify the Means?

We often find folks are in one of two camps - process over outcomes or ends justify the means.  I've been, at times a bit of both, and worked with and for folks who have been both.  With almost anything in life - work, home, family, whatever else, we've got certain desired end states that are important to us.  In order to get to those desired end states, we also typically have a variety of systems or processes to get across the finish line.  In prepping for this article and talking with a few friends, I think the right answer is..."it depends" and that's what I wanted to talk about today.  

The slippery slopes of skiing 
with a toddler.

In parts of our family life, I'm a firm believer in the "no-compromise" set of commitments - faith, fidelity to our marriage, and some of the other untouchables.  For too many folks who crash and burn, it came after a single misstep that started them down a slippery slope of increasingly justifying behavior until soon they were careening out of control toward catastrophe.  For some things in life, you have to set a zero-tolerance policy where it is distinctly black and white to avoid the "just one more" syndrome that leads you beyond where you ever thought you might end up.  

On the other side of the coin, I served in the military as a younger man and it was often said that our mission, as a military broadly, was to "kill bad people and break their stuff."  At the end of the day, that mostly means the ends justify the means.  We're going to stack the deck in our favor so far that winning is almost a foregone conclusion because the stakes are so high.  For example, if we're going on a raid, we'll do comprehensive research/intelligence gathering, practice work-up exercises, employ the best technology, soften the target perhaps with artillery or bombing, provide air cover support, and a solid contingency plan that is well resourced in case it goes pear-shaped and someone gets banged up.  

Sometimes it means a little
mud to get where you're going.

Putting this into "civilian" terms for our family, raising kids, in part is about preparing them for success as adults in whatever they choose to pursue.  This means I want to help facilitate opportunities for them to be as unfair as possible in their competition with peers.  In other words, I want to help expose them to reading, love of learning, academics, extracurriculars, athletics, and a plethora of novel experiences that readies them for their next steps.  I hope that their college/trade school decisions are so one-sided that they can take advantage of any one of the many doors that are opened for them.  I want them financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to tackle life head-on.  

When we think about our "ends justifying the means" it is a fine balancing act.  The old joke, "I maintain a certain moral flexibility" and "if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying" has a reality.  Cheating in marriage (for us), not okay.  Cheating between the business trip at work and making an excuse to stay home so I can get to the baseball game with the kids...more okay.  The point is, when the consequences become severe enough, we need to make sure we're willing to do what it takes.  Hopefully, that means hustling and doubling down on healthy, copacetic ways...not robbing a bank.  But that said, if robbing a bank was the thing between our family and catastrophe in some Hollywood fiction scenario, I'm channeling my inner Jesse James. 

Thing 1 and Thing 2 at 
White Sands National 
Monument climbing the
dunes.

I want to hop off a second here to get you thinking about the various _____-parent styles (helicopter, snowplow, bulldozer, elephant, and such that you've heard about).  When we talk about "prepping the battlefield" for your kids...removing all challenges in front of them is far from what we're talking about.  Along the lines of "iron sharpens iron," discomfort and adversity/challenge form kids (the end goal) that become competent adults.  If you get in the habit of smashing every possible hurdle and smoothing out every possible hazard along the way...you're not doing any favors for your kid.  If you write their English paper because they failed to prioritize, plan, or prepare - that's not a win.  The "means" in this case is helping them develop (strategically) the organization and prioritizing skills necessary to do quality work on time and on target.  It also means (tactically) not scheduling the family fishing trip the weekend before when you know it'll set them up for failure with the school project.  

All of this said, hopefully, you take a few minutes as a family to think through what are the ends you're trying to get to...again, by each role or section of your life.  Then take some time to work backward to come up with the "means" along the way that will get you where you choose to go.  Adjustments for success can be made to the means (tactics) or end goals along the way.  Good luck thinking through the next steps in your planning process.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three processes in your life that take you closer to your desired end goals that could use some work and list one immediate action step.
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Talk with your family about things in your life that are "show stoppers" or 100% items.  Discuss examples with your family.
• Talk through some hypothetical items where the ends would justify the means with your spouse and kids.  What are some situations where you'd do anything it took?  How do you prevent getting into those situations in the first place?  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Denzel Washington John Q movie trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0_tN6O-5k 

- Interesting hypotheticals to discuss - https://benjaminspall.com/ends-means/