The Named & The Numbered

The Named & The Numbered

Not all of our circle is the same or equally valued.  That sounds "callous" or backward in our

Your "named" list
should be pretty elite.

increasingly woke world, but I'd argue it is essential.  Our immediate family (spouse and loved ones) take (or should take) your priority over work, extended family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or others.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't show kindness to anyone, or dare I say, everyone.  It is to say that when a decision has to be made...your priorities should rest with those in your "named" circle, not your "numbered" circle.  

To unpack a bit, consider a bullseye with the inner circles being the "named."  As you move out, eventually getting to the ROW or "Rest of the World" they are defacto, the numbered.  We put people into buckets of us and them...the named and the numbered.  A war half a world away where 500, 5,000, 50,000, 500,000 people die...they're the numbered, the faceless statistics that we too quickly dismiss, forget, or fall into distraction...they become numbered.  The old quote "one death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic" rings true.  If Uncle Bob dies, it's a tragedy, perhaps insurmountable tragedy for Bob's inner circle, those who count him as one of their named.  Bob rolled up with all the other nameless, faceless Bob's over the course of the year...he's just another number on a list somewhere.  

Sometimes the "named" 
don't realize how good 
they've got it.

Where I'm going with this is perhaps as a call to carefully prioritize your quality time and life energy for your named folks.  For most of us, we're a numbered at work...replaceable fairly quickly.  Someone else can step in and take our place as a cog in a wheel and the momentum continues.  When I left a non-profit where I was the Executive Director, I worried (in an overly dramatic fashion) that it'd crash upon my departure.  In reality, any of us leaving is more like pulling your hand out of a bucket of water...try it sometime and see if you can find the hole that is left when you move your hand.  On the flip side, look at the weeping and mourning in the wake of an untimely death...they're not the same, they're not equal.

Take a minute sometime to consider who is graphed where on your chart.  This is mostly, on a normal day, a goofy exercise at best.  Not having it done when the "gray sky" day happens can make your world turn a bit upside down.  For example, let's look at your bullseye - hopefully your spouse and kids.  What happens when we have to make a decision between a bullseye (the "10" ring") named person and a numbered person (the faceless refugee halfway around the world)?  It's a no-brainer.  What about between a bullseye and a "named" co-worker or friend?  A little more difficult.  Now, between say a sibling or parent and your spouse?  Closer to a tie?  

At a certain point, you
only have so much 
bandwidth to give your
best to.  Choose wisely.

This seems an overly dramatic comparison or juxtaposition.  In reality, we (and I'm sure you) know folks who have landed in those exact situations.  In one recent example, a family was struggling with a sick parent.  What looked like a happy family turned into a fight between the sick parent moving in with the family...and ultimately ended in a divorce when the choice between spouse and parent was forced.  I don't want to paint the picture of 1-or-0 in these dynamics and I'm sure there were plenty of underlying factors in that marriage coming apart.  The fact remains, though, an inner ring "named" was pushed aside by an outer ringed person and now the kids have to live with those ramifications.  

I'd encourage you to think through some of those named/numbered folks and have conversations about what they can and can't count on you for...get rid of the assumptions and allow everyone to plan on facts.  My wife's book club or my fire department volunteer commitments are great outlets...they take an immediate/no-questions-asked backseat if vetoed by either my wife or I.  We try not to exercise those unless it's objectively important...but both of us know, we only have to say the word and we're back to the priority.  Similarly, we've had conversations with parents about their expectations of our family and their aging.  It's resulted in them purchasing long-term health insurance.  In this case, we're not saying "we're out, and good luck" but we are saying our marriage/kids won't take a backseat to a lack of prior planning on someone else's part.  

When you're doing a big thing/
have a big plane, doing it right
 requires big sacrifices...and a
long runway. Plan accordingly.

As you look at your named and numbered lists in the emotionless light of day, you're way ahead.  It's far easier to have a conversation about your commitment to a particular situation when it's not staring you in the face.  In the above example, giving plenty of runway to our parents so they can make informed decisions is far easier than when one of them has their first "big" medical emergency and wants to move into our home.  While that's a pretty dramatic example, it hopefully gets you thinking about other more realistic conflicts between work, volunteer, social, extended familial, and other obligations.  Are you putting first things (people) first?  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Write down a list of your named (and numbered).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Make a conscious effort to prioritize and pray for everyone on the list.
• Have conversations about shared expectations with those in the "bullseye."  Then share those realities with those in the outer circles that set some boundaries before there is a need to test them in real time.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Right Where I Need to Be - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_78F4MvVZT4&pp=ygUYcmlnaHQgd2hlcmUgaSBuZWVkIHRvIGJl

- Front Door Looking In - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_Yst3QCXd4&pp=ygUVZnJvbnQgZG9vciBsb29raW5nIGlu