Seasons and Moments of Sadness

 Seasons and Moments of Sadness

Sometimes getting a 
helmet helps.

Tough days come..."tough" people stay...tough days go.  The mantra for many facing addiction, alcoholism, depression, or suicidal thoughts is "not today, ____, not today" and take it one day at a time.  For many people, the quiet deaths of despair are becoming all too common in their circles or in their lives.  Having grown up in the military and first responder systems, this ugly reality smacks you in the gut.  Most everyone has heard of the 22-a-day veteran suicide rate, far more than recent combat deaths.  Studies indicate that most firefighters, police, and other first responders have thought about or considered suicide at some point in their lives and careers.  

In family and home life, hopefully, you're far removed from those darker situations but today I wanted to talk about the parts of life we don't particularly love talking about.  If you or someone around you is struggling with one of the life-shortening "deaths of despair" issues, get some or encourage them to get some professional help.  In the meantime, perhaps a few thoughts below may bring some peace.  Even if you're not in that particular category, chances are you've had (and statistically will have) seasons of life where stress, busyness, tiredness, etc. feel overwhelming.  Fortunately, there are perhaps a few thoughts below that may be helpful in those seasons as well.  

Bank up some of 
those good times.

The story of Jake Woods, a freelancing, rule-bending, bureaucratic-ignoring...hero who started what is now Team Rubicon is nothing short of impressive.  In the immediate aftermath of the earthquakes in Haiti, while most of the traditional non-government and government agencies dug out the red tape to wrap each other up, Jake and some of his compatriots smuggled themselves into the country to start providing aid.  Fast forward, Team Rubicon is a major national player on the disaster response front.  Perhaps more important than their actual work helping others is the mission that they've given to many veterans.  The search for purpose and meaning is a huge part of life.  For those blessed to have happy families, I'd speculate that you've found your meaning/mission as a foundation.  

Similar to seeking out a mission or purpose, if this mission or purpose is bigger than you, doubly so if it's helping others, it's hard to wallow in your own circumstances.  Whether you're helping out your immediate family, your neighbors, community, via your local church or favored non-profit, it's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you start helping others.  I don't want to paint this as a panacea or magic pill, but I know that when I start feeling sorry for myself for whatever plight, I know that when I put it in context or remember "I do this so that..." it changes the paradigm.  

Sometimes a full
bucket is good.

In the first responder space, we have what we call Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM) to help deal with the experiences that come with humanity's toughest times.  A friend and colleague who is an expert in this space described our stress as a 5-gallon bucket and we slowly fill it up with little drops or bigger cups full throughout life.  Most of us are able to dump out some of that with healthy strategies - one little drop or cup full at a time - time in nature, exercise, family time, whatever helps you.  At home, we often let the bucket fill up until it overtops and we have a crisis...or we resort to unhealthy coping methods - alcohol, pills, destructive behaviors.  I'd challenge you to (a) recognize when your bucket is filling up faster than it's emptying, and (b) have a set of go-to healthy dippers you can utilize.  

In disaster response, we see a lot of sadness and people in their most tragic moments.  These crisis situations can take the form of the very acute (death of a loved one) or more chronic (home and community destroyed).  In any of these situations, the reality is that you've got a new normal that you need to take ownership of through the transitions.  Another friend is fond of saying, "Out of every adversity are seeds of equal or greater opportunity."  The new normal can be good or bad, it really is what you make of it.  When you're coming into any transition (good or bad), go into it with some grace and flexibility coupled with some intentionality and vision.  

You can outlast
tough times.

The Bible and faith are huge pillars in getting through tough moments.  If you're a believer and church-going, double down in your sad moments (and your happy ones).  If you've not traditionally been part of that community, consider going...pick a church this weekend and go sit.  The Bible talks about seasons of life and "this too shall pass."  Your sadness falls into the "this too" bucket.  Look at stories in your circle and of historical figures - we are far more capable, more resilient, and more hearty than we believe we are.  Remembering that your sadness is a season and seeing what others have been through can help you understand you're more capable than you think.  

Perspective helps.

Understand that your moment of sadness is small.  I don't mean to minimize tragedy, but perhaps I do hope to "right size" it.  Think about your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents, and so forth.  Within a few generations, you've got dozens of people who came before you who survived and thrived...so that you could be here.  When you magnify your circumstances in the context of all those who have come before you, it provides some important perspective on your burdens.  

Lastly, as we depart this week...remember that people far less capable than you have shown remarkable resilience.  On a few recent trips, we traveled across where the

Life was harder...then.

American pioneers journeyed...and another where the ancient Natives literally carved generations of life out of the rocks at Mesa Verde.  When you think about what those folks were up against...every day was hard...a journey to survive.  Think about the "yester-you" in a covered wagon who once (if) they made it across the "flyover states" got to parts out west...and then had to build their own cabin...no Door Dash, Uber, or 5-star hotel room greeting them.  Again, not to minimize your troubles, but in the grand scheme of things, there are few things that could come up now that haven't been endured by someone else in our history.

All of this to say, hopefully in your moments or seasons of sadness, you take the time to inject healthy coping mechanisms, "right-size" your troubles, and lean in/seek out help from those around you.  This too shall pass...and you'll be stronger on the other side.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out/name three things you can do to reduce your accumulated stress bucket.  Now, select from that list, one that you're going to put on the calendar daily/weekly for the next month (walk around the park, watch a funny cat video, read the Bible, etc).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) how you'll support each other and recognize/cope through a situation or season together.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Jake Woods - New York Times Article

- It is Well With My Soul - Mormon Tabernacle Choir

- "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Winnie the Pooh