The Gift of Presence

The Gift of Presence

I hope you share
your comfort nest.

In our self-described distracted world, we often are hustling from one thing to the next, too busy and preoccupied to ever "just be."  In a world where we have more prosperity than perhaps any generation before (think clean running water, HVAC conditioned air, choices for food, and so forth for many of us), we squander our presence perhaps more than ever before.  In yesteryear, many more people were involved in busy agricultural or trade industries that often required long hours...but they still prioritized dinner around the table, church on Sunday mornings, and other "presence" type interactions.  Today, we often purposely choose to give our ability to be present (think distracting activities, cell phones, etc) away with a lot of consequences we don't notice until it's far too late.  

I hope you get
knocked out, too.

When we talk about presence (or anything else for that matter), it's important to look at what the enemies are to "the thing," in this case, being present.  I'd make three general arguments but challenge you to explore your life for what is actually getting in your way.  The first broad anti-present item in my mind is cell phones and their pervasive usage.  Never before have we had a dopamine-hitting personal assistant in our pockets.  Couple this with the addictive powers of social media and you've got a siren song calling in the quiet moments to pull you away from where you should be.  Go into any waiting room, or sadly, many kid activities, and look at how many parents are scrolling on their phones instead of leaning in...or just living in the downtime boredom that our souls were meant to need.  

Times have 
changed, maybe
not for the 
always for the
better. 

The second broad-brush enemy is our constant consumer culture and the associated pressures.  The trade-up culture and debt-laden lifestyles often require us to work "bigger and better" jobs, often away from our immediate community.  This comes with inherently longer commutes and often more mental focus spread over emails in the evening, cell phone leash tethers at all hours, and our heads often not where our feet reside.  Our inability to "have enough" often requires us to divide our presence and the pre-req of attention across things after hours that aren't our spouse and kids (or even extended family, friends, and neighbors).  

Lastly, the third big enemy would be our addiction to busyness.  For years, when asked "How are you," I'd reply with the well-rehearsed quip, "Busy, but good, you?"  As you go through marriage and child-rearing, life becomes increasingly busy.  We tend to say "yes" almost categorically to new activities without asking or answering critical questions as to why we're doing them or the "so that" end state we're getting closer to.  Whether it be guilt, peer pressure, or whatever else, the ability to say "no" strategically and perhaps as a default tends to hurt our ability to be present since our attention is increasingly divided.  

Have a picnic...with
a concert.

Now that we've unpacked the so-called enemies - let's look at a few solutions.  A co-worker talked about looking for the upsides in life and used COVID as an example.  He said the forced work-from-home helped him "fall in love with his family again."  Do we have ways that we can inject ourselves back into our homes and priorities throughout the week?  Lunch at the park with spouse and kids?  Take a leave day to get to a children's activity?  Choosing to do "kid things" this weekend instead of hanging out with your friends?  All of those little ways can help us "lean in" and be where we're supposed to be.  

Your system
may only need
to make sense 
to you.

Another couple of solutions that we've found are utilizing minimalism to help us not have so many distractions that compete for our time and energy.  This can be tangible like decluttering around the house, car, or office.  It can also be more subtle like striking things from the calendar or budget and getting good at saying "no."  As famed Navy SEAL Jocko Willink put it, "discipline is freedom."  In other words, by having discipline in the rules, systems, and habits, they free us up to be our best selves and live our best lives.  People often shy away from discipline or constraints, but in reality, they're the very things that organize us enough to get whatever else we want that is good in our lives.  

Live in the moment...
with a ba-zillion cranes
beside the highway.

The other "solution" we've leaned into in our home is spending time in nature.  Nature has a way of
forcing us to be present...in a good way.  It is much harder to "coast by" on autopilot, distractions dulling our senses when you're out in nature.  There is a practical side of this, that when you're hiking down a trail or skiing down a mountain, you have to pay inherently more attention to avoid peril.  There is also a fuzzier side of nature in this space that we tend to be a smaller self in nature as compared to the worlds we completely control - home, commute, office, etc.  This "smallness" somehow seems to help center, ground, and by default, make us pay more attention to the loved ones we're sharing the space with.  

Lean in.

It's been said that charismatic people are often lauded for their ability to "make you feel like you're the only person on earth" - do we give that gift to our spouse and loved ones?  Do we divide our attention when having a conversation?  Do we listen to understand?  Do we look them in the eye with undivided focus when they're talking to us?  We are often our own worst enemy in this space...which is great news...because we can form habits that make us get it right more often than we do right now.  

Be there when they hit,
or miss the bullseye.

Presence is powerful.  I'm not sure who told the anecdote first, but the idea of genuine happiness through a smile when your kid looks up from their activity and makes eye contact with you is categorically not the same as looking up and seeing your spouse's iPhone recording the moment for posterity.  The quip "Be where your feet are" is a good one.  Instead of putting your mind/heart/brain/soul into the scrolling screen in your palm, focus on keeping all of you centered right on the space and live in the moment you're physically occupying.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you'll do this week to be present (e.g. leave the cell phone in the kitchen instead of the dinner table or bedroom, make eye contact, etc)
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) about presence.  Call each other out on the times you are/aren't getting it right.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Gary Allan Right Where I Need to Be

- Lonestar Front Porch Looking In

- Alabama I'm in a Hurry