Gratitude as a Super Power

Do you see the spiky cactus
or the beautiful heart? 
It's all about perspective.

Gratitude as a Super Power

Take a minute in your life to listen to the language in your home and your circle.  Do you do life from the perspective of being grateful or entitled?  Reframing is a huge part of a successful life.  This can help us mentally switch, which is the first step, in orienting our mindset correctly.  For example, instead of saying "I have to do ____ today," the subtle shift of wording to "I get to do ____ today" is powerful.  In the Danish Way of Parenting (a great book, by the way) by Jessica Alexander and Iben Sandahl, they talk repeatedly about the focus on stopping to reframe the conversation, and by association the narrative we view the world through with our children.  As that shift in language...and attitude...become more habitual, I'd argue, we become more grateful and overall, live a happier life.  

A brief personal example relating to the Henry Ford quote, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right" applied to gratitude.  We live in a 50-year-old home that we poured blood/sweat/tears into the remodel, we've got three cars that when you add up their ages qualify for AARP, and we've never had a salary north of $80,000.  We also are financially secure, have traveled extensively, and live largely on our terms.  I'd argue, and firmly believe, we are ridiculously blessed.  If you look at our parking lot at work, full of many brand new cars, heading to "the" new subdivision, I think a lot of folks at work would look down on our situation.  As has been said, "our perception becomes our reality" and whether we think we're blessed...or not....we're right.  Blessed is often in the eye of the beholder.   

We've discussed how comparison is often the thief of joy.  In our modern-day culture with immediate gratification around every click of a smartphone, it's easy to see what we don't have instead of focusing on what we do.  The old adage of "happiness is wanting what we have" rings true today, perhaps more than ever.  When you think about all that we take for granted, it is beyond ridiculous.  A recent conversation about "richer than Rockefeller" reminded us that most everyone in our modern first-world has access to climate control, safe drinking water, on-demand entertainment, affordable rapid travel, and so forth...mostly none of which were around for even our most wealthy a generation or two ago.  

Real life is usually pretty muddy.

When we look at our airbrushed social media counterparts, no longer is our audience for comparison out the kitchen window but all those around the world. This widening aperture for us to compare ourselves to and against leaves us wanting on a grander scale than ever before.  Our ancestors hunting and gathering their way across the wilderness likely didn't take time or energy to grouch about what their camp mate had, let alone someone else halfway around the world.  Our hyper-in-tune social media feeds pump HD feeds of everything we're lacking right past our noses in real time...but the choice to keep turning it on really is up to us...all of those devices do have an off switch.  

On the flip side of "thief of joy," take a minute to look at those around the world, or better yet, take a trip somewhere around the world that falls into the "third-world" category.  In a recent post by www.SportOfMoney.com, the author points out that the median income in the US for 2021 is $70,784...this means on an international scale, you'd be in the top 4% of the world for income.  Traveling exposes you to some of the unique blessings that you likely overlook, especially when you're looking through various social media lenses.  

Recently, I was watching an old film about the hardships of previous generations, particularly during the pre-WWII eras of the Depression, Dust Bowl, and such.  We often view ourselves in the "present" context as opposed to a "historical" context.  I had a "kid" working for us a year or so ago who was complaining about his inability for him and his wife to "make it" financially.  Both drove brand new cars with heavy payments, wore nice clothes, talked about all the dinners they went out to, and lamented they couldn't afford their dream home...all right out of college.  According to www.PropertyShark.com, a 2010 home vs a 1910 home is 74% larger and personal living space has swelled some 211%.  When we look laterally across peers vs chronologically across generations, we feel "behind" instead of light years ahead...which feeds are ingratitude attitude.  

Before we wrap up, I think it's critical to stop briefly on a sad and worsening macro trend we're seeing in our world as church and faith seemingly continue to shrink.  We're increasingly bombarded with the message that "there is no truth."  At every level, it seems like we're being told if you don't like this or that...just change it.  From plastic surgery to end-of-course exams, truth is rapidly falling by the wayside.  I'd say that it is likely no coincidence that as God is being pushed from our communities by woke narratives, we're also seeing all-time high records of suicide, depression, anxiety and so many other negative life outcomes.  Just recently "deaths of despair" collaborated to bump our overall life expectancy down en masse.  The point here is, when was the last time you saw anyone publically acknowledge and thank God for the blessings they have?  When was the last time you said, "Thank God for this..."?  

For our family, we've noticed that we often feel closest to our Creator when we're out in nature and creation.  Increasingly, in our urbanized world where more and more of us live in a comfort-on-demand metropolis, we distance ourselves from the magical views and perspectives found when we remove our manmade luxuries.  I know, for our family, when we're out hiking in the mountains, laying under the stars, or gazing at the vastness of the ocean we're humbled by our place in all of it.  When we're out and away from the rat race our urban centers create, the conversation much more often turns to "thank God for this, for that, for us, for me."  Look for those little moments, they don't have to be glamorous...maybe shouldn't be glamorous...that's likely a good start if you're searching for what a blessing looks like.  

To try to summarize and close this article, I'd premise that we feel better, and life is more full and grander when we appreciate what we have.  When we surround ourselves with those who espouse gratitude, its contagious nature rubs off on us.  When we view ourselves as the catalyst and owner of our ability to become more grateful, we do so.  Be grateful...I'm positive you have a lot to be thankful for right under your noses...I know we sure do.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three things you take for granted in your life that you should be/are thankful for
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Thank God for what He has entrusted to you (life, family, responsibility, etc)
• Look for opportunities to catch yourself and your family members' language...then reframe it
• Tell three people in your circle why you're grateful for them
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

http://thedanishway.com/

https://www.sportofmoney.com/how-rich-are-americans-on-a-global-scale-very-rich/

https://www.propertyshark.com/Real-Estate-Reports/2016/09/08/the-growth-of-urban-american-homes-in-the-last-100-years/

Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Save the Margin

Save the Margin

Make your decisions based on "it" not going according to plan...or in other words, build your battle plan without relying on 11th-inning heroics or hail-mary antics.  As a recent snowstorm example, I had a friend who was coming over to help teach.  His plan was predicated on everything going right and counting on "lucky" style bail-outs if something went sideways.  In this particular case, the margin was cut out in the decision...instead of opting to "Zoom" in virtually for his part of the class from the safety, comfort, and warmth of his home, he braved "snowmageddon" to play Frogger with the big trucks on the highway.  That's a pretty black-and-white (or all-white in this case with blowing snow) decision to evaluate, but many of our familial decisions are more subtle.  

Kids can do far more than you think they're
 capable with a little scaffolding to
prevent the "fatal" type consequences.  Seek 
and facilitate those moments to
teach/create those skills in them.

We typically have, running in the back of our reptile fight-or-flight parts of the brain, a running risk manager that is sizing up situations and making decisions of safe-vs-risk, the margin-vs-no margin in the background.  For most of us, fortunately, our brains aren't having to navigate the old hunter-gatherer conundrums where a saber tooth cat is somewhere in the equation.  We are however navigating a likely more complex and high-speed set of variables in our everyday risk-informed decision-making.  As we get more practiced at identifying, or unpacking the true decisions, we can get to the point where we can better, more automatically see risk and inject margin.  

As we talk about risk, from a fire department perspective we sum it up what a tongue-in-cheek equation "risk a lot to save a lot, risk a little to save a little."  In more detail, "we'll risk life to save a savable life, we'll take moderate risks to save savable property, we'll take no risks to if life and property are unsavable."  That sounds great in a classroom, far from the actual danger or risk...it becomes a little more convoluted when your nose is full of smoke.  For us, in life, we can use a similar equation as it relates to our ability to Stand In the Arena.  

Practice commitment.
Everyday.

For example, we'll unpack marriage.  Before you say "I do," really, honestly evaluate what it means for your level of commitment on the blue sky days and during the gray sky storms.  When we talk about planning for it not to go according to plan, you need to think through the survivability of your commitment, and effectively your marriage when one of you gets sick, loses a job, or some other hardship/setback.  By evaluating and planning on it sometimes going sideways we can better insert margin into our system with the end goal of increased resiliency.  In evaluating why marriages fail, one of the main reasons given is financial stress.  In that case, the margin may mean saying "no" to some wants while you're building an emergency fund, putting adequate insurance in place, and creating sustainable money habits.  Those "training camp/pre-season" maneuvers help ensure we don't have to rely on miracles at the end of the season when the bases are loaded, we're at the bottom of the proverbial 9th and the 3/2 pitch is winding up.  The statistical odds at that point are not in your favor.  

Another leading cause of failures in marriage (wherever you define that on the continuum from unhappiness to divorce), is infidelity.  Knowing that, and knowing ourselves is an important first step in building margin.  With our technology, it is easier than ever before to fall into the traps of temptation.  I've known friends and colleagues who have "met someone online," "reconnected with an old flame on Facebook," or whatever else.  We use an "After Action Review/Improvement Plan" in the first responder world to unpack the root causes and hopefully learn lessons we don't have to repeat in the future through thoughtful analysis.  In doing a post-mortem on those failed relationships, technology coupled with inhibition was a root cause.  That led, for us, to build a lifestyle/guardrails/Odysseus Siren tie-yourself-to-the-mast solution where we're not heavily engaged in Facebook, especially in those quiet, dark moments when we're tired, grouchy, dissatisfied, or in general, not our best selves.    

Whatever it is for you, identifying the risks that you and yours face is a first step in being able to build a system where you've got some proactively injected margin is huge.  I also want to point out that I'm not telling you to try to live a life with zero risk...that'd be boring.  In a morning briefing for a major fire we were working on, we had the Incident Commander stand up and tell us, "This is a dangerous job, I'm not going to tell you to be safe.  Someone's got to go fight the fire.  I'm going to go tell you, go do dangerous things as safely as possible, and come back to us tonight."  That subtle shift in perspective allows us or enables us to go live our best life...while building in a little margin through habits and systems that become sustainable.  

All of that said, look for opportunities - through planning, organizing, equipping, training, and such - to build your balance in the proverbial margin bank.  When you get to a point where you need to borrow some of that back out, you'll be glad you spent the time making the investment deposits - whether that's actual cash, the benefit of the doubt, hours in the day, or whatever makes sense to you and yours.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three things that provide "risk" to your family
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Come up with a few items to mitigate/add margin to those particular risks
• Re-evaluate your changing risks as life seasons change
• Grab opportunities to add margin into your proverbial bank account (leaving work early to watch your kid's baseball game, knowing you may miss one down the road)
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

Brad Stine - Put a Helmet On - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tORJe37MMOs

Chris Davenport - Ted Talk - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyet9fPS24k 

Stay In The Fight

Stay In The Fight

Typically, a fight - sporting event, military, whatever else - is decided when one of the opponents gives up.  This could be tossing in the proverbial towel, handing in your rifle to the enemy, waving the white flag, or just downshifting to coast mode...in any case, you're not on the field and engaged in the battle.  Any of the "tier 1" super special forces types out there typically share the superpower of "staying in the fight" when it gets tough.  Any of those training pipelines are designed to put you in the fight against yourself, others, and enemies until you're hardened and dependable.  The test is getting the quitters out of the way so we can train those remaining in the game to all the sexy ninja skills that Hollywood admires.  The point though is, the training is geared to see who will stay in the fight when it's tough.  

Like most things,
it starts with practice.

Over the years, I've had the good fortune to teach a lot of first responders and some of them on topics
relating to "officer survival."  So much of the difference between making it...or not...is in the headspace and presence of mind to stay in the fight.  Pilots are taught to fly as far into a crash as possible - stay in the fight.  Disaster survivors are told to "be an active part of their own rescue/recovery" - stay in the fight.  My wife is the eternal optimist that thinks it just might be possible with two minutes left in the 4th quarter to score five touchdowns in an epic comeback...that same optimism has probably contributed to our success and satisfaction today.  The point is, we don't talk around the proverbial water cooler very often of the blowout where one team was outpaced in the first quarter - we talk about those games where everyone stayed in the fight down to the bitter, photo-finish ending.  

1,000 hours has been a commitment, a fight
to build young outdoorsmen in a world of 
consumers and screens.

In part, our preparedness is the key part of the fight scene.  It's long been said in the military and first responder circles that you "don't rise to the occasion" so much as you "fall to your level of preparedness."  In other words, the reason a Navy SEAL or Green Beret can do something beyond belief on the battlefield is that they've likely been there in their mind and body through what people would describe as a ridiculously intense training regimen in the past.  For us, that training or preparedness likely takes the form of building the habits, emotions, and capabilities in the proverbial "peacetime" so that when the going gets tough...we know we can do it...because we've done it before.  Another part of being able to "stay in the fight" is defining the enemy and team early.  In marriage, the fight isn't between you...him vs her...it's them(the team, both of you) vs EVERYTHING else that comes against it...hobbies, addictions, schedules, whatever else pops up.  That deep-seated commitment that it is "us against the world" is a critical prerequisite component to staying in the fight when it comes.  

As Pastor Andy Stanley put it, "this is just part of your story" (see below).  The premise becomes that no matter how involved we are in a season of life, or how important that season seems in the moment when we look back, "it's just part of your story."  For example, you may fondly look back at your "high school glory days" fondly...but in a blink of an eye, they're gone and just part of your story.  Some of these seasons resonate more than others...think about the old man who hasn't been in the military for going on 80 years but still chooses a military burial.  It is heartbreaking to see so many of our military and first responders who serve, make positive impacts on so many lives, then choose to check out of the game with suicide.  Staying in the fight is a struggle...every day...sometimes every moment.  Having struggled through some of those moments myself over the years, it's a good and worthwhile fight to stay in.  

Early responsibility taught
a lot of "stay in the fight" 
soft skills that serve a person 
well throughout life.

During middle and high school, I had the opportunity to work in commercial agriculture...first for a neighbor, then for a big traveling outfit.  The main guy I worked for, we'll call him Bob, was (and is still) bigger than life, a man who worked hard, played hard, lived hard, loved hard, and such.  He was married with several great kids and an enviable lifestyle of a farmer/rancher.  That was the Bob I knew. 
Turns out, a few years before I came to know Bob, he was married to a first wife with a baby and his mother in the car when he had a major car crash that left him physically injured and suddenly wife/mom/baby-less in an instant.  Now, as an adult, I can't begin to imagine the pain and anguish he must've gone through on that journey to recovery and becoming the Bob who poured into me.  Seeing him when I was in high school, and now twenty years later, I'm amazed at how he was able to stay in the fight, to continue to choose to stand in the arena.  In the seasons of life that I've known him, he's had a wonderful marriage, an amazing lifestyle, and raised great kids...what more could a man wish for.  He's also the same Bob who went through hell and back.  Stay in the fight.  

It matters.  They matter.
You matter.

So, after that long lead-up - what does all of this mean to us as a Family In The Arena, how do we or
what does it look like to stay in the fight?  Hopefully, you'll not find yourself in a life-and-death struggle where staying in the fight takes on Hollywood story physicality.  For most of us, while we may prepare for those eventualities, stay in the fight serves as a rallying cry in a more metaphorical sense.  Staying in the fight as a family, a father, mother, parent, or child - means staying engaged when the going gets tough.  This means plugging in, leaning in - emotionally, spiritually, physically - through all the seasons...for better or worse...through sickness and in health.  

Increasingly, it seems like we're unplugging...statistics and headliner stories talk about, in particular, men who are opting out.  Whether that means leaving behind marriage, abandoning kids, saying goodbye to gainful employment, or whatever form that takes.  Perhaps even more ugly, many are opting out without exiting, leaving behind a zombie shell in their wake.  This can take the form of booze, pills, video games, or whatever hobby that becomes more important than fighting for your family.  Sometimes staying in the fight is as simple as saying "no" to our more selfish selves.  Sometimes it requires heroic, rise-to-the-occasion type action.  More often, it simply requires a commitment to hold up our end of the deal we've made.  Whatever it looks like in your life - big or small, heroic or routine, often or far between - we hope you practice and build the muscles necessary to stay in the fight.  Keep standing in the arena - it's worth it...your family is worth it.  Stay in the fight.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three "fights" you may face in the future
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Work backward to prepare for those fights...training, practice, conversation, prayer
• Recommit to your family (literally, tonight at dinner, sit around the table and verbalize how you're on the same team and how you fight for them)
• Point out (or create) opportunities for your kids to practice fighting for what's right, what they value
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Andy Stanley

Sanctus Real - Lead Me

Dierks Bentley - The Mountain

Dierks Bentley - I Hold On 

Stop the Bleeding Process

Stop the Bleeding Process

In the first responder world, we talk about the importance of stopping the bleeding process.  Similarly, we talk about the first step of stopping the burning process for someone who has been burned (e.g. put the fire out, flush/brush the chemical off, etc).  In an emergency, we first try to do those things to help manage the crisis situation at hand.  Essentially, when we try to stop the problem from getting worse, we minimize the consequences and begin to get out of the crazy cycle.  In our lives, we can take a parallel page from the playbook and apply it to our personal and family lives.  Whether in a personal circumstance or emergency situation, we can often get distracted and we miss the critical because of the clutter.  

You might need a backup to find the drain.

When something is going wrong...stop the bleeding process...as a mantra, this orients our thought process, priorities, and decision-making.  If the bathtub is overflowing, don't grab a mop, go for the spigot.  When you find your life diving into the crazy cycle where clutter becomes confusing or overwhelming, you have to figure out what "stop the bleeding process" means in the situation.  Let's say your family is struggling with finances, you just end up with more month-than-money most months.  By diving into the bleeding process, in this case, spending, we can start the recovery process.  In this case, it means budgeting if you're not, finding, and plugging the leaks.  Once you get some stability, some margin from the crazy, you can then work on building or shoring up your system more broadly.  

When you find yourself in arguments at home, consider digging into the root cause so that you're

Sometimes you've got to search for 
just the right spot.

not just addressing the symptoms (e.g. blood all over the place) but attacking the actual problem (e.g. the hole that needs to be plugged).  Understanding the general causes of arguments broadly and your specific situation specifically helps you begin to get at the problem.  In this example, as we dig below the surface and ask introspective questions, we can ascertain if we're arguing because of stress...which is brought on by work-life balance...which is brought on by lack of job satisfaction...which is brought on by the "wrong job."  Understanding where the "bleeding hole" is allows us to target our intervention.  In this case, instead of trying to fix the stress, perhaps we find a new job and let the stress evaporate.  

Firefighters don't 
need shoes...just 
training...and 
backward pants.

For many of us, we find that the schedule becomes ridiculous in seasons of life.  When you find your family in this situation, you need to figure out how to target the root causes.  In this case, taking an inventory (meaningful conversation around the upcoming month's calendar) of what we have scheduled.  Doing a careful analysis from there can allow us to figure out "why" we're doing a particular activity, then make solid, prioritized decisions as to what stays and what goes.  

Whatever flavor of crazy cycle you find yourself in, work to determine the actual problem...then apply action there.  Realize that in most cases, your crazy cycle won't disappear overnight...you can't necessarily go cold-turkey quit on some of your scheduled commitments...but you can work your way out of them in time.  Also, realize you likely won't get out of the crazy cycle with the same thinking that got you into the situation.  You also likely won't be able to stop the bleeding process without some sacrifice.  In trauma medicine, we talk about "sacrificing the limb to save the life" as it applies to tourniquets.  In your world, perhaps it means sacrificing the daily coffee habit to save a dignified retirement.  It may mean giving up the "status" or "ego" of being that mom to be the mom to the only kids that matter (yours).  

Certainly, like all other facets of life, prevention (don't get to bleeding in the first place) is a Plan A.  Having the skills and wherewithal to understand that you're in a bleeding situation and how to fix it is a critical Plan B...because, you know, life happens.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Think about three ways that you could see "bleeding" happening in your life (money, marriage, parenting, etc)
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Have a plan for how you will "know if you're bleeding" in each of those three areas.  Are you on the same place with your whole family on what constitutes "bleeding?"  
• For each of those three, consider several courses of action to quickly and efficiently stop the bleeding process.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Stop the Bleed Class from Prep Medic - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGLLXy3AsBQ&pp=ygUOc3RvcCB0aGUgYmxlZWQ%3D 

- Crazy Cycle from Love & Respect - https://www.loveandrespect.com/blog/the-crazy-cycle-why-we-negatively-react