Zig's Wheel (Part 1)

Zig's Wheel - Part 1

Some wheels help
you become a box
turtle.

We, as humans, are complex beings (no duh, you're saying, and rightfully so).  Our complex selves,
when we get married and have children multiply that complexity.  As we try to make sense of ourselves, our interactions, and our totalities, it can be important to seek first to understand in the words of Steven Covey.  One way that many smart folks have suggested looking at these complexities is through our roles.  Towards the front of this journey in time was motivational speaker Zig Ziglar's and his Wheel of Life, where he proposed the various buckets (career, financial, spiritual, physical, intellectual, family, and social).  That may be a great starting point for you, or perhaps the more customized to your specific roles (husband, wife, father, mother, employer, employee, etc) as advocated by Covey and others.  

For today, we'll unpack a few paradigms of Ziglar's Wheel of Life of how we see it.  If you Google search the topic, you typically end up with a clean, segmented pie graph of sorts.  

Others have the take that you can grade yourself on a scale of, say 1-10 in each dimension, and we'll dive into that in another post, with another set of tools we've created.  In that example, you can get the sense that if you've got a few areas that are a "10", and a couple areas that are a "2," you end with a pretty bumpy ride on your misshapen wheel using the metaphor of the wheel as a balanced life to go down the road on.  You can see how if you graded, then plotted out and shaded in your various circles, it'd be surprising if they made a nicely shaped wheel based on our interests, seasons of life, investments, etc.  

Side note: (We took the liberty of adding in health to sort of round out more even, or at least easier to draw, pieces of pie).  Part of our push at Stand in the Arena is the idea that you build your systems, your wheels, your definitions.  For example, you may look at finance and define "a 10" (see below) as keeping up with the Jones, buried to your neck in debt but "looking rich" because society, through advertising, tells us that's the right answer.  You may also look at that same pie sector and define the same "10" as the exact opposite - living a frugal life where you spend very little, but have a great safety security net despite your hoopty car.  We'd encourage you to build your own pie, with your own roles, your own definitions of success, and your own grading scale rubric to make it the most meaningful to you and your family.   

For example, through college, I was a pretty serious and competitive runner.  My physical "score" would have been a near 10, and I was pretty focused on personal development (10 again).  At the same time, I was probably closer to a 2 on social, perhaps a 5 on family, and a 3 on spiritual.  The point is, that we almost always live out of balance.  We can also run "out of balance" for some time, for a sprint, or a season but not long term without some heavy wear and tear. 

Some wheels make mom cringe at the 
ingenuity before you even get started.

Without constant course correction and intentional, introspective "grading" on a fairly routine basis (monthly, quarterly, annually on your birthday, etc), we can slowly slip out of alignment and end up causing considerable friction for us and those around us.  As the old Indian proverb goes about the young boy asking his grandfather which wolf (the good one or the evil one) would win in a fight, the sage grandfather tells him, "Whichever one you feed."  In a similar fashion, we can inflate/deflate various sectors with intentional work.  At points in our lives, we've sprinted for some time to achieve a particular goal, get through a particular degree program or whatnot.  At other points in life, we've been on cruise control in certain sectors.  As long as you're intentionally doing it, that's okay.  

Some roles involve 
reading to dogs.

If you picture life as a low-altitude flight through the mountains, it paints a picture of the reality of the risk involved.  The flight can be spectacular as you take in the sweeping vistas, experience the adrenaline in your stomach, and generally enjoy your day...if you're actually flying between the peaks and valleys.  Take your hands off the yoke (airplane speak for steering wheel) to go make yourself a sandwich and you end up as a splattered omelet in a pretty place.  The same goes for life, if you take for granted, or neglect a particular sector of life, it's not long before you lose your efficiency and ultimately head for a crash and burn.  

We've generally subscribed to the scaled wheel model above, but in researching a bit for this post, an idea hit me that the clean segmentation of the pieces of pie above are probably a bit far from the reality of most of our lives.  

More likely, your actual pie looks more like a series of interconnected, overlapping, and competitive
circles.  Our time, unlike our money, is finite and therefore a "zero-sum game" where you end up robbing Peter to pay Paul, where, through our calendar, we can only "create" more time by investing it more intentionally, not actually warp it unless you have a Delorian in the garage.  In this example, some of the circles, just like the pie pieces, demand more attention for a season.  Some become islands off by themselves, unconnected to the others.  Others become misshapen egg forms that are getting compressed between different circles.  And, some are on fire due to an emergency (e.g. heart attack) and necessitate attention RIGHT NOW.  

Our last model starts to look like the old rocks, golf balls, pebbles, sand, and coffee skit, where we end up with a series of miniature circles interconnected to form the overall big circles, or Big Rocks (First Things according to Covey).  If you picture how messy real life is, you begin to get a sense of what your life might look like modeled out.  Various fires, various little circles in big circles, the occasionally spilled circles.  If we modeled this across the dimension of time, it can begin to look like juggling a 3D chess board while it is coated in lighter fluid.  

But...it doesn't have to be.  We'll continue to unpack some of the tools that we use (and have translated) from the frontlines of various disasters to helpfully help your family find some peace and serenity along the way.  

As we sort of wrap it up here in Part 1 of Zig's Wheel, we want you to think about the Arena you're building that you're committing to stand within.  We hope that the Ziglar Wheel model can serve as a bit of a guide to help you organize your thoughts, that we'll lead toward words, take those into actions, morph them into habits, and ultimately you'll end up living a much more intentional and likely fulfilling life through the process. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out one role each day for a week and discuss with your family where you are at in that role right now and where you want to be.  Then pick out one action item in each role to commit to for a month.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in each role.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Zig's Wheel - https://www.ziglar.com/articles/the-wheel-of-life/ 

- Made for More Coaching - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w99LZ50vaUc

  

Protector Parent - physical harm...and its benefits...

Protector Parent - physical harm...and its benefits...

Starting fires...

We're called to be protectors and providers for our children and families.  We've talked about how that looks in several previous articles.  In some of the previous conversations, we've talked about protecting their mental health and perhaps more soft items in our more soft world.  That said, there is always a risk, albeit low, that our family will be confronted with a physical threat or situation.  Additionally, in our modern world, so many of us have stripped out physical harm, not just from the "bad-guy" but all physical harm to our children.  

We often fall into the trap of believing to be a "protector parent" and that "safe from physical harm" is the ultimate goal.  Certainly, it's part of it...channel your inner Rambo or Mama Bear to keep kids safe from the boogeyman...it's a thing, and an important one.  I'd argue that it might not be, and probably shouldn't be the only thing.  

...Cliff jumping...

I'll also argue, some physical harm is good.  Don't freak out and call social services here...any harm that rises to the level of a hint of abuse should - we should throw those people under the jail.  I'm talking about the increasing mindset that a skinned knee should be avoided at all costs in "modern parenting."  We were out at one of the playgrounds with a friend and their little boy the other day and the mom literally walked around like a human scaffold ensuring her pre-schooler couldn't possibly fall down.  This was on the super-engineered foam rubber matting, mind you.  

Ropes...and...

Kids, more accurately humans, learn through failure.  Our propensity toward helicopter/snowplow parenting where we so completely smooth the road before our children does them no long-term favors.  The skinned knee on the playground helps them, much like a river through a canyon over time, build their balance, coordination, confidence, boundaries, etc.  Avoiding the proverbial skinned knee throughout their time at home with us creates kid-dults that end up with an inability to function in adult life.  When I hit one of the struggle-adulting moments with a cantankerous co-worker, micro-manager boss, sick kid, more month than money, whatever it happens to be...I can trace my ability to work through it and come out resilient on the other side back to smaller-level failures growing up.  

Helmets are 
sometimes
required...

I remember being absolutely devastated as a "meritocracy" mindset sort of guy when, in college, a "no-brainer" position in an organization should've gone to our team but went to another.  Years later, talking to the decision maker, he hadn't thought anything of it more than balancing talent across fall and spring semesters...oh, mind-blown moment.  My utter brick wall was just a business decision balance for him at the time.  Fast forward now to a decision I had to implement from our nonprofit national headquarters of closing offices across the state...those learned moments once upon a time served me well to try to bring some level of peace, honor, comfort, and empathy to a tough situation.  

As we look at our parenting responsibilities, I believe one of ours is not to shield them from the bumps and bruises along the way.  We treat our kids "summer knees and legs" as badges of honor, an earned testament to their rough and tumble interactions with the playground, hiking paths, bike jumps, and assorted other learning that takes place outside.  Just the other night, our youngest ran his bike into the stop sign at the end of the road, bouncing off and skinning up an elbow.  Should, we as parents, say "no more bikes, ever" because of the chance that you might get a little road rash or help him get dusted off, back on the bike, and ingrain resiliency?  

Dogs are always
good adventure 
companions.

Again, to close, I'm far from advocating any threat-based physical harm from the bully or anyone in the circle.  I will advocate for the low-consequence harms (physical and otherwise) that build the mental fortitude to get through life as a content adult down the road.  We seek a balance in this space - we don't allow our kids to ride bikes off the Grand Canyon or down the interstate.  Nor do we allow them to ride on bikes without helmets or lacking brakes.  Hopefully, you all get the salient points here and will consider giving your kids a little more rein and latitude to skin some knees and learn some life lessons.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of ways that your family, especially your children, can do some things that are risky...in a safe way.  Go do them this month.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of injury-prone activities - hiking, mountain biking, and such where you can "skin a knee" without long-term trouble.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” Cole Schafer

- Art of Manliness - The Risks of Not Letting Your Kids do Risky Things - https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/family/risk-not-letting-kids-risky-things/ 

Intent Based Leadership - Task, Purpose, End State in Family

Intent-Based Leadership - Task, Purpose, End State in Family

Even canoes can
be turned around

Author and retired Navy Submarine Capt L. David Marquet among other experts around the country has talked a lot about Intent-Based Leadership.  (If you haven't read Turn The Ship Around by Mr. Marquet, you should).  The folks at Mission Centered Solutions have helped translate some of this leadership theory into the fire service as Intent-Based Planning.  For our purposes, I'll overly simplify the process by saying that we, like Steven Covey, advocated, we should begin with the end in mind...or convey "leader's intent" from the beginning.  

Often, we translate it into "task, purpose, end state" when building plans for disaster/crisis response.  In other words, instead of just giving a task or tactic to someone, we build in the "why" factor.  Throughout the proverbial "sausage-making process" to use an analogy, we try to build in the leader's intent through the planning process, operational briefings, and ultimately into the task-level work in the field.  As we can apply this to a personal finance concept, we can't skip the "why" and the
theory or strategy when we're implementing tactical-level tasks.  Sun Tzu said it best, "Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before the defeat."  

The leader sets the tone...

We recently had some friends who were looking at having their second child and decided to get serious about finance...which is great.  Without the overarching strategy to center them, they searched through the pile of feel-good/get-rich-quick/save-money-quick schemes.  They came up with implementing a "spending freeze week," which is great in theory, but it loses its teeth in a vacuum.  The same tactic (spending freeze) under a purpose/end state (saving a certain amount of money, changing habits, etc) is huge.  

For our friends, they did the spending freeze, counting down to the end of the week, and then blew the budget the next week.  When you look at their month-over-month running average spending, you wouldn't be able to spot the month with the spending freeze.  This all isn't to poo-poo tactics without an end state...they have merit and can be valuable.  This is to say, tactics, when aligned to a desired end state, get powerful results and move the proverbial needle.  

Sometimes it takes professionals...
or semi-professionals.

In our family, some of our desired end states relate to how we want our kids to turn out.  Financially
literate (knowing how to be successful) and disciplined (to actually be successful).  When we take that end goal and reverse engineer it, we can come up with a set of implementable tasks (commission for chores, give/save/spend money system, and become delayed gratification practitioners).  The purpose of these tasks, done over time and internalized creates the literacy and discipline of our desired end state.  If this whole thing sounds like an overly simplified, "well duh" sort of thing...you're not entirely wrong.  Just because it is simple, doesn't make it any less powerful or practical.  

Little things matter.

Another example, we're pretty adamant that we, as people, and our kids in particular, are better forms of ourselves when we're outdoors.  We're also big believers in lots of reading.  Those two items require many small, habitual tasks (picking out books, creating time to go walk around the block, choosing adventure over couch sitting, and so forth).  Often, we have a tendency or a temptation, especially when life is busy, to opt toward just hanging around on the weekend after a busy week.  The task/purpose/end state reminders that we use in our language, conversation, and lifestyle, help us to lean toward those small activities that make big results.  You could use this same framework for diet, exercise, or any habit you're trying to break/make in your life.  Associating each small "what" with a deeper connected way and connecting them to a strategic outcome matters.  

Too often, especially with the more nebulous or longer-term projects like marriage and kid-rearing, we fall into ruts and just go along with the way the stream goes.  The whole, "you're the average of your five closest people" can be a great thing...if those five folks are aligned to our strategic desired end states...if not it can be catastrophic.  Use intent-based leadership to direct how you'll do life...which in turn, when done right translates into who you (your spouse and kids) ultimately become.  

It takes a team to turn it 
around effectively.

As we close, a slight "war story."  We were in a meeting with our old non-profit when a national-level leader was giving a talk to our regional team.  In his analogy, he talked about how we, as an organization had been paddling with only one side for a long time and now we were putting both oars in the water.  A friend and peer, who was an expert raft guide leaned over and whispered, "That's why we've been going in circles all these years."  Defining the task, purpose, and end state...you know, the task of putting both paddles in the water toward the end state gets you there way faster.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a specific problem you're going to address at home by giving it Task-Purpose-End State language.  See how that goes and then write out three that you'll commit to for a month (kids, marriage, faith, etc). 
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to this framework at home.  It gets more powerful and "sticky" when you intentionally talk the talk while walking the walk.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Turn the Ship Around 

- Forbes Intent-Based Leadership Article

- National Wildland Fire Article

First, Worst, and Last

First, Worst, and Last

In many cases across the country, big disasters are typically the first, worst, and last in the careers of

Sometimes it's your first flood...

those locally involved.  In other words, let's say you're the fire chief, mayor, or dog catcher - the big flood/fire/tornado/whatever is likely/hopefully the first in your career, the worst in your career, and the last of your career.  In general, unless you live in the hurricane country where you're getting hit time and again, most of us either move away, or the disasters are spaced far enough apart to avoid your tenure.  

For us, here at Family In The Arena, we hope that the same holds true for you...those "no good, very bad" events hopefully never cross your door...and if they do, hopefully, they're once-in-a-lifetime occurrences.  We can list those activities that fall into the "no good, very bad" categories and then work backward on how we avoid those outcomes.  Certainly, natural disasters and the like make the list and there are plenty of resources out there addressing our general preparedness against such things, including some resources we share on this site.  We're talking more about those that impact your family...from within your family.  For illustrative purposes, let's look at our threats/hazards risk assessment, including untimely death, divorce, sudden illness, and job loss.  

Have a plan.

In examining those "big four," we hopefully experience them so infrequently in our lives that we're unfamiliar with them and haven't learned how to deal with them through personal experience.  If they do cross our doorstep, they've got big enough consequences that it's important we have an organized way to deal with them thought through ahead of time.  This also means that we've got to learn from others to distill some best practices without learning them personally.  Our hope for you and your family is that you don't know how to navigate divorce proceedings because you're on your fourth wife, nor how to survive job loss from the repetitions in the unemployment line.  

Or your first delivery sleigh...

With any of the "personal disasters" that can befall you, you'll hopefully be able to put in some preventative steps to entirely avoid the situations...and if that doesn't work, have mitigations to reduce the severity.  Unlike, say a tornado and more like a hurricane, there are often plenty of lead-up warning times/signs to help you avoid some personal disasters.  In other words, a divorce or heart attack aren't generally (or shouldn't be) gigantic surprises, which, for our planning purposes is a good thing.  Also, most of these disasters have predictable commonalities, which means we can prepare for them more intelligently from other people's experiences.   

Have a game plan,
or at least a bat.

For those days that end up beyond imaginable in our own lives or those in our close circles, it's important to have a worked-through set of core plans that you can go to quickly to minimize your necessary actions, reduce inefficient movements, and allow us to focus on our grief and emotions in the moment.  Whether a community disaster plan for a mayor or a personal how-to guide in your own home, a checklist that you personalize can help you get more smoothly through those awful days.  By creating and refining those personal checklists throughout your life, you'll be better prepared to walk (or help loved ones, perhaps your loved ones if you're gone) through those beyond-emotional experiences that pop up in life.  

We've got a few of those templates available (e.g. an untimely death plan that spells out our final wishes and gives helpful directions/information like passwords/accounts, and the corresponding essential legal paperwork).  We'd encourage you to build your own "emergency binder" or as we call it "3-2 Binder" from the (a) severity of the situation like a 3-2 pitch in baseball and (b) some personal haptics here our little family code of 3="I Love You" and 2="Thank You" combine to be a tool we can leave behind if we go early.  Organize those important documents, write a letter telling them how much you love them, and set them up for success.  This organizational work is something you'll be grateful for if one (or heaven forbid, both of you) passes early, you suffer a natural disaster or find yourself suddenly unemployed.  The universal nature of being organized provides a margin and runway to get your feet underneath you because you've pre-decided some of the important decisions and put some of the things in place that lessen the practical impacts.  

Take a minute to learn from others and plan/prepare ahead of time...because like it or not, fair or not, bad things happen all too frequently in our lives.  As bad as those situations are, they can be made exponentially worse with a lack of a little planning.  We hope that you live a blessed and charmed life where those bad days truly are "first, worst, and last" in your life.  When they hit (and they will in some shape or form), we hope you've done some due diligence that lessens their practical impact so you can focus on the emotional impacts.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out one of the biggest hazards out there...list out three first actions you would do if they occur.  List out three things you can do to prevent the bad thing from happening.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in order to be ready for any sideways turns.  Have a conversation with your immediate family on those big four items and how to avoid them.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Chanel Reynolds - Get Your Sh*t Together - https://getyourshittogether.org/ 

- Dear Wife... from BudgetsAreSexy.com - https://budgetsaresexy.com/dear-wife-heres-how-to-fire-if-i-die-early/

Tradition

Tradition

Traditions ground us.

Tradition: "the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation, or the fact of being passed on in this way."  For many families, including ours, tradition is, in large part what makes us who we are.  It grounds us, moors us, and connects us to something bigger than ourselves.  It is a differentiating principle between us and others.  It helps define who we are and who we aren't.  Tradition, over time, helps us become who we say we want to become.  Done right, tradition often becomes the memorable bookends we look back on fondly in the rearview mirror.  For your family, it can be a powerful tool in your arsenal for "standing in the arena" and doing life intentionally.  

Our kids are 5th generation
to go to this rodeo event.

As you're looking at your family, it's important to ask thoughtful questions.  What makes tradition?  Us doing something more than once?  Us doing something someone else did more than once?  Us doing something generations have done more than once?  What are our traditions?  Are they the ones we want them to be?  Are they memorable, lasting, and meaningful?  Do they lead us closer to who we are as a family?  Do they build upon our heritage?  How do you answer those questions?  

Traditions are 
timeless through
generations.

Our traditions are just that...ours.  Chances are they can run into trouble with expectation management when they come into conflict with others.  For many families, the decision of how, where, and with whom to spend holidays is sometimes a contentious point.  As you build your traditions, commit to them.  For our family, there were hurt feelings when we chose not to travel halfway across the country to be at every family gathering or event.  We have chosen to make a tradition of traveling to a new (often warm and/or sandy) place around Christmas.  It's been an amazing gift to give our children (and get) over the years we've been doing it.  To mitigate some of the hard feelings, we've also built a tradition of visiting relatives in the summer.  

Coming up in the military and the fire service, it's safe to say both professions are
steeped in tradition.  It's been joked that the fire service is "150 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress."  In some ways, that's true.  In other ways, the strong foundation from those 150 years allows us to be a learning profession taking the universal truths and applied to modern changes in technology and emerging challenges.  For our families, we have the opportunity to adopt, modify, or create new traditions in our own lives.  Back to our holiday example, what will Christmas look like at your house?  How are you going to address the topics/traditions of Christmas Eve service, stockings, Santa, etc.?  What is the right balance of now vs next - going over the hill to grandma's house when no one seems to enjoy that versus a Texas beach?  The strong foundations from our childhoods help inspire the way we choose to do traditions with our boys.  

The annual "thankful"
pumpkin

Holidays are an easy one to link to or view through a "traditional" lens.  What else do we hold up as traditional and what do we want to pass on as tradition?  Be intentional in creating, or doing away with traditions...they truly have generational ramifications...for better or worse.  Is Friday night pizza and movie night a tradition?  Does that habitual action get you closer to who you want your family to become?  In this case, movie night every night becomes screen-addicted kids and loses the meaningful "traditional" nature of the act.  Part of tradition transcends the "thing" itself and is rooted in not only the "what" but more importantly the "why" and the "how."  

You've got to 
pre-game
movie night.

When we think about modifying or creating traditions, it is important to consider novelty and "sprinkles" to those special traditions.  For the movie night example, consider adding "movie tickets," or a movie poster.  Think about adding in special snacks - not just popcorn, but perhaps a popcorn bar with some powdered toppings, chocolate chips, M&Ms, etc.  When the weather gets colder, bust out the cocoa bar with marshmallows, peppermint, Peeps, caramels, and such.  Better yet, grab a cheap camping stove at Walmart, a can of gas, and make your cocoa outside somewhere.  It doesn't have to be extravagant or expensive, just novel and intentional.  

Switching gears just a little, there seems to be a chunk of unconnected conversations recently about "I never thought life would turn out this way" among some of our circle.  In talking through several examples in this vein and diving past the surface of the conversation, much of the angst and frustration boiled down to (a) expectation management, and (b) traditions.  That intersection of those two topics has really got us contemplating and thinking about our future when we're looking back at our lives and building traditions that we'll look back on fondly.  It's also got us thinking about what matters to our immediate family...first and foremost, which, I believe is a calling and commitment we make when we get married and start a family.  Those same conversations have also spurred some introspection about the nature of our traditions and whether choosing "us first," in those traditions is selfish?  If it matters - good or bad?  And if it's the right answer?  Or is that just what we tell ourselves?  As for me and my house, we'll choose traditions that hold up our family above all else.  How about you?

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Talk about three traditions you want to change and three traditions (new ones) you want to implement in your home in the coming year.  Put them on the calendar.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Have a conversation with your immediate family about the season of life right around the corner and what you need to do now to get the new habits in place.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) for changing, or adding some new traditions to your family.  Tweak them and then embrace them.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- 23 New Traditions - Southern Living Magazine

Parent the Child You Have

Parent the Child You Have

Hurricanes are not good...avoid them.

On a deployment to Hurricane Harvey in 2017, what was supposed to be a contingency assignment..."back up Corpus Christi in case it goes pear-shaped, but you should be home by Friday."  In hindsight, we probably should have heard the background soundtrack of evil cackling "mu-hah-hah."  As you may know, the rest of the story Harvey became America's second most expensive storm and biggest rainstorm ever, soundly centered over the Houston metroplex...and there we were.  The head of our national organization in what has to be one of the greatest pep talks of all time told us on a conference call as it became clear what we were in for, "We're going to fight with the army we have, not necessarily the army we want."  So began a month of crazy operations wrapped in chaos and heartbreak...and heroes.  In the middle of that response, I flew home to find the gender of our second child, then back a day later for a field promotion to run one of our sections...so much for the "army we have."  

It may not be 
heliskiing down
Everest...but it's 
what we have...
and that's enough.

As we go through life, in much the same way, the same advice can go for our reality, "Parent the child you have," "Love the spouse you have," - how often do we see parents or other married couples parenting/loving the child/spouse "their neighbor has?"  In other words, how often do we see a parent try to relive their glory days or live vicariously through their child's experience?  Or compare the neighbor's _____ (style, looks, fitness, cooking, etc) to our own spouse?  The Andy Stanley dating advice, "Be the person you're looking for, is looking for" applies to our home lives, perhaps especially after we're married and have kids.  The old "be the change you want to see in the world" applies inside our four walls.  

Homeschool has its
perks, like skiing 
on a Tuesday.

I have a co-worker who was going on about how our boys are doing so well with homeschooling and
life in general.  Another said, "I wish my kids could be more like yours.  Not all of us can afford homeschooling" with a putout, snotty tone.  What she wasn't saying or admitting is that she wanted the results but not the sacrifices.  She drives a brand new car and lives in a brand new house, both objectively far "nicer" than what we have...but "can't afford" to homeschool.  The reality is, she chooses not to homeschool, then makes excuses about it.  In other words, she's created the child she has, but says she wants the results of someone who took a different path.  That's all good when we wish we were taller, smarter, stronger...but it's devastating when we (A) aren't willing to put in the work/make the changes, and (B) when we then compare our loved ones against some artificial standard.  You can't eat cake all day every day, and expect to be a champion marathoner...life is all about tradeoffs and opportunity costs.  

The line between embracing who your child/spouse is - their strengths, weaknesses, interests, and such - and who they "need" to become is a tough one to navigate.  We owe it to them to help them progress through the skills necessary to live up to their potential.  We shouldn't conflate that to mean that we must micro-manage and route clear (helicopter parent) to our desired end goal for them.  The quintessential example of forcing our "nerdy" kid to be the "quarterback I never was" is an easy one to glom onto.  When we think about the "needed" preparedness elements for our kids, it's important to really focus on "who" not "what" we/they desire to become (think things like kindness, integrity, competence, provider, and so forth more than some specialty skill like "throw a ball well").  

This season won't look like 
the last or the next, neither 
will your loved ones.

This idea of "present and future" is important to think about seasonally as well.  We have a family friend who was pretty adamant, "I don't do babies, I'll interact with them when they can walk and talk."  His insistence on this meant he was largely unplugged for the first couple of very formative years for his children.  Similarly, we didn't take a vow to love our spouse "when it's convenient," we promised an unconditional "in sickness and in health," George Strait kind of love.  This means that when our spouse or child is in a tough season, we need to lean in, not away.  It's too easy to find parenting/loving our loved ones inconvenient, uncomfortable, ugly, and lean away when the seas get rough.  For this season, this is the spouse/child we have...period...dot.  You promised to love them - who they were, who they are, and who they're becoming.  Don't shirk the actions to fulfill that responsibility.  

They're not 12
sport varsity
athletes, neither
am I.  That's ok.

As we think about the "child/spouse we have" vs the "child/spouse we want," it's important to realize much of that change is on our shoulders (or at least I hope you have that kind of involvement/ influence in their lives).  Chances are, you and your spouse aren't the people you each married...you've both grown and evolved in the years/decades since you tied the knot (the girl I married was a snowboarder, not a mom, now those have switched).  That also means that you'll not be the same person a few years from now that you are reading this.  The good news is, that whether it's you, your spouse, or your child, we can mold the "who we become" along the way.  This process is seldom overnight and it shouldn't be done without some intentionality at the helm.  

As we talk about changing, a "pre-req" or "optimum word" in this premise is "parent"...not "friend" the child you have.  If your kid is a "gamer" who has lost all social skills and dwells in the basement seeped in unproductivity...you need to be a parent...not a friend.  Similarly, in your relationship with your husband or wife, the relationship and the evolution may require "what needs to be said/done" not what the other person "wants to hear."  On a recent Ramit Sethi clip (I'll Teach You to Be Rich fame), a couple was being interviewed and the husband had been keeping their debt level a secret since "she wanted nice things."  They'd been living the life lie they wanted, not the life they had.  Instead of cutting expenses, increasing income, or the other basics to change their circumstances closer to their desires, they doubled down and now had dug a combined several hundred thousand dollar hole.  In trying to protect her/them, he/they sunk them.  

You're there 
for who they 
are, not what
they are.

Parenting the child we have or loving the spouse we have is, in part the unconditional call to love them.  It is also part of the responsibility to help shape our/their shared future toward positive, desired end states.  We can love the child we have (ours wants to be a pirate, but we have to have the foresight to steer those instincts) while helping mold and shape the actions necessary to become the right "who" down the road.  The delicate balance of "loving our pirate" while also steering him into something more productive long-range is a needle to thread carefully.  We can pour into the positive characteristics of piracy (adventure, great music, snappy clothes) without embracing or encouraging the not-so-good (the whole "rape and pillage" thing or lack of bathing habits as examples).  We can love the pirate, while using our experience as adults to steer them positively forward.  You can extrapolate what this might mean in your home, but love is a verb, it's not passive, and sometimes because we love someone we say/do the hard, awkward, or unpleasant and necessary things.  

Ultimately, through love, we can help those in our inner circle become better versions of themselves.  In reality, we're called to help them do so.  Take some time to talk to your loved ones about their desired end states, then invest the time, energy, and resources into helping cross those finish lines together.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that you love about your spouse and each child.  Tell them why that is.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Have a conversation about how you can help ensure that your loved ones are moving closer to who they desire to become and remind them that you love them now...and then through your words, commitments, and actions.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) changes in your home as it relates to loving who your loved ones are...enough to accept their choices and help them move toward those "what does success look like" desired end states.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Love Does by Bob Goff

- "True happiness is wanting what you have."  

So What, So That

So What, So That

So often, we go through life talking about or floating from one "what" to another "what" without ever really stopping to think about why we're doing the "what" or where we hope the series of "what's" get us to.  Life can be more full and fulfilling when we ask ourselves "So what?" and answer with "So that."  When we get to these deeper levels of questions, hinting at the "why" we're doing the thing, it helps us ensure we're doing the right things in pursuit of the right directions...a motivating thing to be sure.  Since leading and raising a family, like any other great journey starts with a single step, it's important to make sure those steps are the right ones.  

A "big why" makes any so what easier.

To bring efficiency and effectiveness to our otherwise disconnected series of "what's" we first have to start asking ourselves "So what?"  This serves as a gatekeeper for us to take those individual items and invest our scarce resources (time, attention, finances).  This introspection of our tasks helps us be more efficient in weeding out some of the menial tasks that we talk about as Q4 items in the Eisenhower or Covey Matrix, or those that are neither important nor urgent.  

In asking ourselves why we're doing what we're doing, then answering them with a "so that..."
statement, we dive even deeper and double down on the important activities.  This simple shift in words-matter language that we use to tell ourselves can be a might inspiration.  As an example, I've had a season of life recently where work was pretty rough.  By only focusing on the "what," in this case work that was tedious, demoralizing, and utterly bureaucratic for bureaucracy's sake, I was getting burned out.  By asking these questions, and then honestly digging deep for the answers, I reoriented my paradigms to pull me through the season.  

I do this, so they can
do that...

In answering the "I go to work because...it takes good care of my family and enables a lifestyle that is pretty amazing."  In digging deeper, "I go to work so that my wife and kids can have an amazing 9-5 weekday schedule, living their best life punctuated with amazing evenings, weekends, and vacations each year."  Further talking through the "so what, so that" language, "so what" helped me get out of the victim mentality where I was focused on seeing the negative aspects of life and letting them color the rest of the very positive pieces - good salary, solid benefits, short commute, little required travel, good co-workers.  From the victim space, it'd be easy to shortsightedly throw the "baby out with the bath water" and start over when the proverbial grass isn't likely better on the other side of the fence.  Without asking "so what, so that" questions we could quite likely end up in a much worse overall situation.  

Using these questions in our daily lives helps change our paradigms or the lenses that color our worldviews.  Approaching household chores with the "so what, so that" flavors our interactions.  "I make choices because my wife loves me.  I'll ________ (take out the trash, mow the grass, put the kids to bed, etc.) tonight so that ________ (my wife can have some downtime, get a break, or do something meaningful to her).  Instead of coming at the situation from a woe-is-me perspective, we can come at it from a foundation of gratitude when we ask and answer the so-what/so-that questions in our heads.  

SAR is on the job...sort of...

Similarly, we can translate or change our units of measure to get to a "so what, so that" paradigm shift.  For example, from a financial perspective, translating a purchase you're considering into how many hours it takes to earn it can help our decision-making process.  When we say that a new "widget" costs 20 hours instead of, say $200 after-tax dollars, it may help with our "so-what."  Further translating that into how many "hours" off of our retirement date with compounding interest (say 25 days... compounding is the 8th wonder of the world).  Now, with our "so what" better clarified, we can make a more informed decision.  Obviously, not every decision requires a "so what, so that" analysis, but the more we practice doing these, the more it becomes second nature.  

The rescue went well...
until Mom said we 
couldn't keep it.

In perhaps the most stark and dramatic manner, the mission of many search and rescue (SAR) teams, namely the famed Air Force Pararescue is "These Things We Do, That Others May Live."  The implication reinforces the seriousness that we're willing to trade our literal lives for their literal lives.  At our homes, hopefully, the trade isn't so stark, but we can glean the lesson, "I put down this phone so that I can focus quality time with my spouse and kids."  Most of our home examples likely pale in comparison to a literal trading of life...but hopefully we're doing the trades so that our biggest "why's" and end states come to pass.

Long story short, with our families, it's important to live intentionally and by asking introspective questions, habitually, we can better shape our present actions in relation to our future desired end states.  Ask and answer the "so what" and "so that" questions to help us reframe our decisions so we're sure we're standing in the right arena, and doing the right things.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things that you've struggled with (finances, diet, TV, phones, workaholic, etc) that you can reframe your paradigm with so what, so that thinking.  Write out a few key changes
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) personally, as a family in so what and so that at home.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Start With Why - by Simon Sinek

- So That Others May Live - JaxVellex