Grading Your Life - I

Grading Your Life - Part I

Grading starts
early.

It's been said, "What gets measured, gets managed."  We can measure our lives, not so we can compare them to other people...but rather to compare our current (or next season) circumstances with our own ideal or desired end state.  When we create a shared vision, shared language, and shared culture of reflection/introspection, it facilitates us growing together...and leaning in individually...to make the collective whole really move synergy from a buzz word to a way of life.  

Grading leads
to growth.

When we talk about grading your life, it's important to take the first step to define your rubric.  It's also important that you dive deeper than the surface into the sub-components.  Using a finance example, our rubric might be a desired end state of "having financial peace and enough margin to not "worry" about money."  The subcomponents...or smaller items we'll assign a grade value to may include income that covers our needs, staying out of debt, driving paid off cars, continuing to live in our "starter" home, and investing XX% each year.  Those are the subcomponents that matter to us and are the associated building blocks that get us to our desired end state.  For many, "successful" finance might look like a new car, a new house, a new vacation, etc. ...but those aren't the ingredients to real success.  

Measure to
begin action.

We'd encourage you to, as you're getting started, actually sit down and write out your rubric...sub components and all.  This should be a team effort between you, your spouse, and perhaps your children.  The meaningful conversations and efforts help identify a shared reality...and an end zone that you're all aiming at.  It allows you to say "no" to a Disney weekend, so you can say "yes" to an Alaskan road trip (or whatever matters to you).  As you get going, once you've defined the rubric, each member of your family can grade where you are, and as you average out those grades, you'll get a pretty good picture of where you're actually at.  

Grading is 
learning.

Often, the first step of a journey is understanding where you're at...so that you can figure out where you're going...and chart a roadmap from here to there.  By carefully grading, you'll likely become attuned to the low spots so that you can have a conversation...then invest more wisely in what matters to you for improvements.  This wider understanding of your status and "flight plan" allows you to also get a more balanced approach to life.  Our grade for work may be a B-...but in the wider context of the rest of our life, B- may be good enough.  For us, I could make more, have more flexibility, etc....at the expense of living out of a suitcase or moving.  B- is good enough because with all things considered, we're probably at a solid A grade overall.  By trying to move my B- work situation up, we could easily knock our overall grade back to a C by being on the road a lot.  

Grading is doing.

As we grade, I'll say it again, "comparison is the thief of joy."  With social media, it's incredibly easy to fall into the "grass seems greener everywhere else" trap when we're only seeing the highlight reels of the proverbial Joneses.  We may look at a video online that appears someone is an A+ without asking or seeing beyond their 30 seconds to realize their situation isn't all it's cracked up to be.  At one point, we got enamored with the #VanLife lifestyle where you see picturesque backdrops of National Parks everynight (A+ grade by the way).  The reality, without the airbrushed makeup applied to the video, is that for every night you're in the A+ location, you're probably doing 10 nights at the truckstop or Walmart parking lot (not A+).  

Sometimes
make a new
grade
category.

As you get practiced with the idea of grading, you'll get faster and more accurate.  As your family makes this a shared construct and similar language, you can use the concept of grading to bounce big (or small) decisions off of before diving in.  When we first started this model, it was clunky and awkward.  We've grown, through practice, to where we can look at a decision like "should we coach Little League next season?" through a grade rubric.  It'll move our kids' ball skills, and from C to B.  It'll move our discretionary time from B+ to B-.  It'll move our budget for the season from A- to B+.  Overall, let's say it'll move our overall grade for this season from an A- to an A, but our long-term grade (more capable, healthy kids) from an A to an A+.  That's a convoluted example...but couple the grade with the kids' interest, our emotion/gut reaction, and we've noticed that we make better, more informed decisions by considering grades as part of the decision calculus.  

Grading is a one-by-one
process.

The other benefit of grading your life is that you'll likely notice that overall, you'll realize life is better than you otherwise thought it might be at face value.  For example, it's easy to get caught up in a "life sucks" mood when you get snipped at during work or cut off in traffic, and forget or dismiss all the rest of the blessings in the background that we often take for granted.  Our emotions often bring the "if it bleeds, it leads" mantra moments to the forefront when we reflect on our day.  When we widen the aperture a bit to get the totality of the circumstances...by writing them down piece by piece, we realize that life is good.  We talked about the idea that "what if you only had tomorrow, what you thanked God for today."  When we grade, we realize there's a lot to thank God for... every day.  

Perfection
is not the goal.

Perhaps the last step in the process is to keep measuring.  Much like the quarterly elementary school report card, measuring over time begins to give us trends and draw patterns.  Similar to a cholesterol test, a single moment in time is just that; the trend over time is what causes course correction or inspires action.  Perhaps you "check in" verbally with your spouse on a grade once a month and more formally twice a year, where you sit down and "update" your report card.  Instead of looking back when your kids move out of the house, and they say, "dang, childhood was a C-," the continued checking in helps you course correct along the way.  

Grading is
helping.

You can also inject a parallel in daily life when you check in with your family - "What was your grade today?"  And, if it's less than great, "what would've made it move from a C to a B or B to an A?"  This framing gives us a shared language to help better lean in and support each other in more personally meaningful ways.  In doing these "daily check-ins," it also right-sizes our perceived injustices.  "I'm a F because so and so called me a such-and-such" is a jumping-off point to great lessons in resilience and reality.  This isn't to be used as a "toughen-up, buttercup" punching bag, but to remind ourselves and each other that we're stronger than we seem.  It also allows us to really lean in better when the days really are D's or F's because we've built deeper trust along the way.  

Grading
is team.

You can also use the principles to grade each other.  Asking your spouse and kids, "What grade would you give me as a dad this past month?" is a vulnerable and powerful experience.  When they tell you you're at a C-...then follow up with a conversation (and willingness to listen), you can chart a course to make this month better than last.   When done consistently, that translates to this year better than last, this decade better than last, and getting to the finish line with "well done, good and faithful servant."  

Grading
is climbing.

As we wrap it up, remember to balance the grading or gradepoint average across the time-and-space of our life seasons.  We've had periods of life where we're sprinting incredibly hard at work to meet a short-term goal.  Our report card reflects that as I get out of touch with my wife, kids, and nature.  For a shared commitment, short season...we can make that work.  Longer term, the report card on the fridge reminds us to inject balance back in, and when we've met our short-term goal, it's time to re-spread our time, energy, and attention more intentionally.  This re-balancing helps us keep from driving 90 mph...right over the edge of the cliff and the point of no return.  All in all, hopefully these principles of evaluation allow us (and our families) to communicate better...and ultimately win together...more likely than not.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a place to start grading...and three subcomponents to get you started.  Sit down with your family, define the "what does success look like for us" rubric, and get started.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) across the different facets of life by assigning a grade to how things are going.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- What is your Life Score? 

Next Chapters

Next Chapters

Grow.

The beginning of the end...or the end of the beginning?  You get to...you have to make that choice in the different facets of life.  At times, you'll likely find that one door is closing and another door is opening.  Other times, you'll end up so sick and tired of being sick and tired that any action or change is viewed positively when compared to the status quo.  As you look at the different parts of life, it's important to remember that we get to/have to make decisions on which chapters we'll start, stop, or continue.  

Life goes by...
try to keep up.

In many ways, without stewardship and work on our status quo, we tend toward chaos.  In a marriage example, without continued leaning in...we tend to drift apart.  As we go through the seasons of life and change ourselves as we go...we have to remember that our choice on the next chapter is really up to us.  My wife and I are not the same people we were as newlyweds...or as new parents...or as the parents of toddlers...and so on.  As these next chapters have come and gone, we've had to ask ourselves (consciously or otherwise) if that chapter is the beginning of the end...or the end of a beginning.  Hopefully for you and yours, you continue to choose to make your last chapter set you up for an even better next chapter.  

Dreaming with
Olympians.

To continue our marriage example, the paradigm of the end of the beginning means that you're investing in the now for tomorrow.  In other words, activities such as routine date nights, making time for meaningful conversations, praying together, connecting with families in the now and next chapters, and so forth help us make smoother transitions.  By prioritizing and creating time (through saying "no" and making sacrifices) we help ensure that we're prepared for the next chapters as they show up.  

Homework with a 
periscope.

When we stop making the decisions necessary to lean in, we tend toward falling apart.  The term "slippage" has been used to describe the disconnections that are small...but pile up like an avalanche over time.  Just as no single raindrop is responsible for the flood, small disconnections with our spouse add up over time.  Much like "failing to plan is planning to fail," by not making the decisions proactively to be ready for new beginnings, we are inherently choosing to let our now be the beginning of the end.  

Long jump.

As you think about the next chapters and the paradigm above in terms of other facets, we can similarly apply the ideas.  When we look at our parenting roles, it's perhaps more clear that new chapters are around the corner...because our children get older whether or not we're prepared.  Our job is to try to help make sure that they (and us) are ready for those inevitable transitions.  When we're getting closer to the natural breaks - junior high, high school, adulthood, grandparenthood, etc, we can help set our children up for success and prosperity.  At each next step, it's far easier and smoother if we come prepared as opposed to being reactionary after we arrive.  

Make the most of 
all the moments.

For us, one of the next chapters of life will be the empty nester phase.  I worry that we've poured so much into our "little kid years" that we could end that harvest season with blank fields for the next season.  In other words, we're proactively injecting shared habits and conversations about dreams when our daily lives aren't wrapped around the business of child-rearing.  In that absence, many folks around us end up realizing without the shared bond of parenting that they've grown apart...and when the kids move out...so do they.  In order to prevent the negative outcomes that we can see on the horizon...we've got to do the things in this season that ensure a positive outcome.  

Chunking axes.

Similarly, this model can apply to other parts of life, like finance or retirement.  Things like new home purchases can be full of blessings, setting off a new chapter full of great memories...or can be a stressful kickoff to an "in over our heads" race toward bankruptcy.  Likewise, if done right, our step into retirement can be a new beginning as opposed to a finance-restricted countdown to the end of life.  By making the decisions along the way, like living on less than we make, investing wisely, and staying away from debt, we set ourselves up for a meaningful and fulfilling retirement journey.  

Passing the 
baton.

We can also apply this paradigm to new jobs, volunteer roles, or special projects.  With the end in mind that we're plowing and planting a field that will return fertile harvests, we approach our daily work with more passion that translates into more prideful results.  With practice of routinely, habitually asking ourselves if we're on a journey that is the end of a new beginning...or the beginning of an end, we'll hopefully make more wise and future-focused decisions that help set us up for a lifestyle that is far more rewarding.  Best of luck with seeing life in a new way...and here's to new beginnings.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of parts of life that have been heading toward "the end" and inject ways that add new beginnings.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) that you can do this week as a family to double down on planting seeds for a better ending.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Begin with the end in mind - Stephen Covey  

Sacrifice - the other side of the coin

Sacrifice -the other side of the coin

Make the sacrifice
worth it.

Last week, we talked about the importance and concept of sacrifice in our human existence.  It is important...in fact, critical to our continued existence.  Perhaps it's the defining essence of humanness compared to the rest of the world around us.  The ability to act outside of our own self-interest is what moves our greater-good collective ahead.  That said, this week I want to talk about stupid sacrifice or "too much" sacrifice.  Before we depart, I want to reiterate our theme of balance here - some sacrifice is necessary.  Trading the big prestige job for the one that keeps you home...but you still have to bring home the bacon.  

Invest the sacrifice
wisely and routinely.

In any given year, there are roughly 100 firefighter fatalities (similar ratios in military, law enforcement, etc.).  About half of those are related to cardiac health - heart attacks, strokes, etc.  About half of the half remaining (25 or so) are vehicle-related, many of those involve no seat belts, driving recklessly, and making stupid decisions.  Of the remaining quarter (25 or so), those are the "necessary sacrifices" where someone paid the ultimate price...where luck ran out, and they traded their life in an effort (successful or otherwise) to save another.  Those deaths are the heroic ones that we should celebrate.  The statutes we should build.  The stories we should never forget.  But...those first 75...it's not heroic, it's tragic that we ate like crap and a heart attack got us...or we weren't wearing a seatbelt...or we drove 900 miles an hour.  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes - don't do dumb stuff...that's not sacrificial...it's stupidity.  

Do good and beautiful
things.

There are times when sacrifice is not in the greater good.  If all of the generals had run into the battle at the front...their deaths wouldn't be for the greater good...the whole army would perish in their vacuum.  Similarly, if the start-up CEO started doing energy drinks via Red Bull, working 20 hours a day, cat-napping under their desk...sure...for a minute that might move the needle.  Long-term, though, it creates a toxic culture at best.  At worst, they become a zombie who is incapable of leading.  Perhaps worse yet, they die early, and the company fizzles out.  Their "worthy" sacrifice might look more like pumping the brakes and leaving a little growth on the table for the right kind and right pace of sustainable growth.  

It often doesn't
take much to 
make it worth it.  

Sometimes, sacrifice needs to be a sprint or a season.  We've all had times in our lives where we've had to run hard...sometimes harder than we think we can.  Long term, that insanity mode is not sustainable.  Short term, it can be freeing...it can be family-tree level altering.  In our family finances, the sprint session of hard grind for a few short years can set up the rest of your life.  Early on, we lived in a crappy apartment, drove crappy cars, worked every overtime hour, hustle-and-grind...grind-and-hustle - investing all the fruits of our sacrifice wisely.  Now, those investments are gaining a life of their own.  Had we tried to maintain that lifestyle long term....sure, we'd possibly have another zero in an account somewhere...we'd also probably have a divorce or two, an ulcer, a first heart attack, an estranged kid, and more in the rearview mirror  

Bring the 
team along.

Good, healthy, productive sacrifice shouldn't be a stick to beat others with.  When it's working, it's a teamwork value.  I'll go to work and sacrifice to make the money for our family.  My wife will sacrifice her career ambitions to stay home and raise our children.  Both of us are pouring in, equally yoked, in our sacrifice.  The sacrifices don't have to be equal...our willingness to make the sacrifice is the necessary equalness.  The team or family's commitment to sacrifice based on our individual strengths, weaknesses, capabilities, and communication are where the magic happens.  Additionally, our sacrifice towards a shared vision of the greater good is important.  If it's a blind sprint toward a brick wall...that does no one any good.  

Just keep taking one step in front
of the other...for a while.

At home, if we work nine gillion hours...that's not sacrifice, that's idiocy empowered.  Sacrifice is important...critical even...but only when strategically aligned in a system ready to take it.  If sacrifice occurs, especially over a long time horizon, it becomes a resentment and bitterness fills the hole it creates.  I've known people in my circle who embrace sacrifice as the humble-brag, "I sacrificed more than you" or "I only sleep two hours a night so that I can sacrifice for you."  Those are not sustainable.  They're not healthy.  They're enabling, not empowering.  

And enjoy
the journey.

As we depart this week, hopefully something here has resonated with you.  Sacrifice is critical.  We have to do it to be functional parents or spouses...or employers/employees...or leaders/followers...or about any other role in life.  We have to choose to do it smartly.  We have to choose the right level, right time, right duration, right tempo, right reason to give our sacrifice.  Sometimes the "jump in front of the bullet" sacrifice is the easiest kind.  Often, the long slog sacrifice or the pump-the-brakes sacrifice is more difficult to get our arms around...but it's often more meaningful with more staying power.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three examples of sacrifice to unpack, study, and discuss as a family this week.  What made the sacrifice "good" and worthwhile?  What made it stupid?  What are you going to learn from and implement in your home based on those case studies?  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of stupid and smart sacrifice.  Are there changes at home (and beyond) you're called to make in reflection?  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Mark Tey - Too much sacrifice

- Mark & Jill Savage

Sacrifice

Sacrifice

Sometimes,
sacrifice is 
quiet.

Sacrifice - "an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy."  What a concept.  As humans, we're inherently selfish creatures.  Our own self-interest is an adaptation that has protected our species from the beginning.  At the same time, our ability to sacrifice may be what defines us as humans.  The animal kingdom can be a pretty rough place.  Not often do you see one animal saying, "You know what...go ahead and eat me, so that this other animal can get away today."  In our human society...we've got entire professions dedicated to sacrifice...up to and including not coming home at the end of the day - military, law enforcement, fire service.  

It's often
what others 
won't do.

When we think about sacrifice, we want to be assured that our sacrifice, our contribution, our gift to others is worth it.  Picture the quintessential war movie...people dying all around the main character as they storm the beach, castle, or fortress...wanton slaughter.  In the fairy tales and storybooks, the sacrifice results in the slaying of the dragon and the rescuing of the princess.  In real life, many young (largely) men over the millennia have bled and died on unnamed hills only to give the hill back the next day...and retake it the following...and give it back.  

Sometimes,
just a little
braver, longer.

As our modern world seems to slip further and further from the universal truths that our forefathers and ancestors held dear, I worry about our ability to sacrifice.  My grandparents' generation toiled, struggled, suffered...sacrificed.  Their generation (and those before them) freely poured their blood, sweat, and tears into building the foundations of our families and nation at large.  Now, we all have people in our circles who are unwilling to sacrifice the remote control or the climate controls in the car.  The truths that root us to our Creator are perhaps the underpinnings or prerequisites that allow us to say (and believe), "this ideal is more important than me."  "This thing is bigger than me...and worthwhile of my offering."  Good.  Evil.  Love.  Hate.  Freedom.  These big truths allow us to set aside all that we have to help preserve those ideals.  

Many times it wears
a uniform.

In parts of our world, we have Christians who are living a life where they're (by their choices) writing the blank check that may get cashed any day if they're found out.  The check that says, "I'm going to be bold in my faith.  I'm going to spread the gospel...even if it kills me."  Perhaps even more scary, "even if it hurts really bad for a really long time."  There's a peace in death.  Sometimes sacrifice demands a longer fortitude, like our prisoners of war.  For the tippy-part-of-the-spear in our military and some of our first responders, they write the same blank check and have it hanging over their heads when they go to work.  

It can be 
patient.

As a public safety guy, I can get my head around sacrifice, ultimate sacrifice.  In our culture, there's a heroic "at least I died running into a burning building to save a baby" or "I dove on the grenade to save my teammates" ethic.  We present medals, bestow honor, and hold up the heroes who were braver longer than all those around them.  Those who were willing to stand in the breach and were willing to sacrifice all...over and over again.  Having served big chunks of my adult life in professions where pain and death were possibilities...I've got a sense of sacrifice.  I've seen it firsthand.  I've heard of it second hand.  We've all watched it on the big screen.  

It can be
generational.

As a dad, I'm not sure I can get my head around sacrifice.  There are situations where I can say, "boy, if I were there, I'd take a bullet for them" or "man, if I had to trade my life for theirs...I would."  I've never had a situation or a thought, "may I'd trade my child's wellbeing for someone else"...not once...not for a moment.  When you think of the kind of sacrificial "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" love.  Wowzer...if that doesn't make you a believer, I don't know what would.  I can't get my head around sacrificing my child.  Myself, sure.  My co-worker, sure.  My boss, sure.  My friend, sure.  My child...not so much.  

Sometimes
it wears a
cape.

As we tone down the message here for a minute, can I/do I/would I/will I sacrifice my ego...my desires for the greater good of taking care of and providing for my family.  Meeting their needs before and above my own.  That's our calling as parents, as spouses.  As Christians.  Perhaps that's the definition of adulthood, or our mile marker that tells us that we're mature.  Beyond the "hard" physical sacrifice where we trade blood (a little or all of it) for a greater good, there's another, slower-burning kind of sacrifice.  Think about the parent or caregiver who sets aside their own dreams, hopes, or hobbies to provide for their family.  I'm not certain which one requires more fortitude or bravery...the sudden sprint onto the bloody beach or the day-in, day-out lifetime slog.  

...or a hero 
mask.

As we wrap it up, this week's challenge is to "sacrifice" your football time, hobby time (or money), your ego, your dreams...for your loved ones.  If we start practicing on the little stuff today, "honey, what would you like to watch," it helps us build the heart and habits of being able and ready to sacrifice on the bigger stuff.  Always wanted to be the vice president of your company?  What about when that runs counter or at too great a cost to be the provider, protector, parent that you've been called to be?  Sometimes that's much harder than our hard-wired catch a bullet for your kid sort of sacrifice.  Practice on the little stuff...so that you can rise to the occasion on the big stuff.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you'll sacrifice this week or this season.  Set aside yourself for a minute...lean into your loved ones.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) can sacrifice to grow in your love and faith this week.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Mark and Jill Savage - Sacrifice at Home

99% Good

99% Good

Homework...
probably not 100%

For the most part, we don't need 100% in our lives.  When you think about "good enough" in terms of most parts of life...in reality...we don't "need" a 100% score.  Think about the old "C's get degrees" and the old joke, "What do you call the person who graduated last at medical school?..."Doctor."  When you're at work, 100% all the time, every day just isn't a reality.  The striving for perfection is likely a recipe for burnout and failure due to unrealistic expectations.  If we saddle ourselves with an unattainable "perfection" as a standard, that just doesn't live in reality and certainly doesn't have staying power.  Oftentimes, the right goal line is progress...not perfection in life.  We have to give ourselves (and our loved ones) that grace in most parts of our lives.

Jumping
motorcycles...
probably so.

On the other hand, there are times when 100% is required.  Seth Godin recently had a good article that got me thinking.  What if your doctor and nurse team scrubbed 99% of the germs off their hands, then rooted around...the infection will probably still kill you.  What about a pilot who generally lands the plane well enough to walk away 99% of the time?  How about when you choose not to have an affair 99% of the time?  There are times in our lives when the standard has to be a 100%...all the time, every time propositions...not "good enough."  Those things have to be selected sparingly and then have systems to scaffold up the lofty ideals.  Where there is no margin of error...we have to have so-called "bomb proof" ways of doing business that allow us to be successful.  

Grocery shopping
probably not.

It's been said, "How you do one thing is how you do everything."  In our 100% category, at some level, is our character and by extension, our reputation.  Are you the person who shows up and does half the job?  Do you cut corners?  Are you always late?  Are you "retired on active duty?"  There's a saying out west, "Ride For The Brand," where it boils down, as Louis L'Amour, famed western writer, put it (paraphrased), "if you take a man's money, give a man's size day of work."  In other words, show up and do the thing.  All of us can have our cheat days where we slack off, reset, and refresh.  But...if you stray too far away from that 100% ideal, pretty soon your reputation is who you are...the cheat...the slacker...the lazy one...the sloppy one.  Those aren't adjectives that most of us want to be associated with our names.  If you start down that slippery slope..."I'm only sloppy at work"...it doesn't stay there...soon enough, you'll be that same sloppy person at home...with your kids...with your marriage vows...with your finances.  Aristotle said it best, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Grading dad...
maybe so.

In life around the house, most of the things we do...don't have to be perfect.  Taking out the trash...most of the time works...especially if your family can rally around the other times.  Doing dishes?  Folding laundry?  Cooking dinner?  Reading to the kids?  Most are fine with "most" as a good enough standard.  It's important not to frame these things in the binary, "it's not 100%, so 0% is a fine answer."  This "good enough" standard isn't an excuse or pass to slack off or get the job half done...it's a reminder to be a human...in particular...the kind of human that you'd want your loved one to be able to love.  This means leaning in and pulling your weight around the house...in all the ways.  

Rollerskating...
probably not.

It's been said that marriage is a 50/50 prospect, where if we both just do half the stuff all the time, we should be fine.  In reality, if we're both closer to leaning in 100%, 100% of the time on the concepts, marriage goes more smoothly.  This isn't to say that we have to have a wrestling match on who is doing dishes tonight...but if we both lean toward 100% of trying to serve the other spouse...that's a win ("you do the dishes, I'll catch the laundry").  Communicate clearly...win.  Love unconditionally...win.  Help out in general with the household chores...win.  Lean into our agreed-upon roles and strengths...win.  No team needs 11 quarterbacks...when we all play our role at home as best as we can...breadwinner, homemaker, mother, father, husband, wife, servant, follower, learner, leader, lover...we win.  

Basking in the little
moments...for sure.

In prepping for this post, we chatted about those 100%, cannot get them wrong sort of things.  Building a bridge or skyscraper...probably so.  The examples of the doctor scrubbing or the pilot landing...probably so.  In trying to lump a category together and label it, probably something like regarding life-altering/life-or-death consequences.  In using that test or question to put stuff in or out in our own lives, it may help us frame the different pieces and consequently allow us to put the proper attention and resource investment in the right places in our homes.  Faith...100%.  Love...100%.  Hope...100%.  Forgiveness...probably 100%.  Fidelity in our marriage...100%.  Chores...not so much.  Honey-do list...not so much.  

Archery...not
so much.

As we wrap it up for the week...challenge yourself to be a leader in your home that really spends some introspective time reflecting on your 100% buckets...can you say you're nailing it...every time on the most important things?  Can you say that in the other things...the trivial ones...that you're in the 99% bucket?  More often than not?  Sometimes bucket?  The "that's her/his job" bucket?  If you've been in the wrong bucket for a while...there's no better time than right now while you're reading this to bump up your efforts and start 100% from here forward...or in the less important stuff...leaning in more than you have historically.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of things that are 100% things in your home.  Discuss with your family the systems in place to make sure it's happening.  (E.g., how do you remind your spouse and kids that you love no matter what...for always...100%?)
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of the 100%er categories.  Are you all walking the walk and talking the talk?  Do you need a little pep rally?  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- The 100 Percent Rule - Medium

- Red Stegall - Ride For The Brand

Equally Yoked

Equally Yoked

Sometimes we \
just hang on.

This isn't an identical double...and it isn't a stick to beat the other over the head for if they don't take out the trash.  This is a complementary, God-intended design for marriage.  Our roles come from our strengths, and we should lean into those strengths and gifts to help ensure that we're living our best lives...and giving our best lives to our spouses.  When we talk equally yoked...there are parts of life that have to be equally yoked.  While I'm not sure about pineapple as a pizza topping, this might be one of the categories you have to agree on for a marriage to last and thrive; others are for sure.  

Balance is 
the key to
success.

The "big rocks" of life, starting with our faith, are the ones that we have to be on the same page on toward the beginning.  We also have to keep working to get closer throughout our marriage.  Are we going to church?  If so, what "kind" of church?  How often?  Are we going to get married in a church?  Do pre-marital counseling with clergy?  Are we going to raise our kids in church like things (MomCo, Awana, Trail Life, Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, etc)?  What does faith look like in our home?  Walking the walk and talking the talk?  When things are going great at home...what does faith look like?  How about when they're crashing and burning?  Are we going to do (or lead) small groups?  By getting a foundation of faith right (and it's a negotiation, a series of conversations), straight from the outset...the rest of our together life that we build is on bedrock.  

Just the right
balance to 
make it on fire.

When we look at the reasons that too many couples end up getting divorced, it's most often on the "big rocks" of life...not the pizza/pineapple debate sort of things...but if you've got that much conviction, "good on ya."  Part of the "leaving and cleaving" that the Bible talks about is about this phase of life as we leave the nest, find a mate, and start building a life together.  It's important to spend our dating time (and our engagement) becoming "the person I'm looking for is looking for" as Andy Stanley puts it.  In other words, if you want to live a "big rock" life involving the church, good with kids, physically fit/active, responsible adult, lifelong learner, and so forth...spend time cultivating those skills in yourself.  Also, when it comes time to look for a lover...look in the places those sorts of people tend to congregate.  In other words, you've got fish in the right place, with the right kind of bait to catch the fish you're hoping for.  

It's all about
balance and
teamwork.

Another of the "big rocks" in the foundation includes your finances.  Again, this doesn't mean we can't be an "opposites attract" spender/saver...most couples have someone who tends towards each end of the stick...that's okay.  The equally yoked/on the same page is on the big stuff.  Are we going to buy a house?  Pay off our house early?  Drive paid for cars?  Dress well...but not the brand new fashion every week?  Rack up debt and spend on credit?  Finance is a series of decisions, lifestyles, and tools.  Legendary finance figure, Dave Ramsey, talks about a series of baby steps that lead to "financial peace" as an end state...that's hard to argue against as a goal for your family.  Are you equally yoked on the "permission" to call each other out when it starts getting turbulent?  Second month you miss paying off the balance in full - timeout, huddle, new plan?  

Keep the different
parts in check.

Another space that tends to be potentially rocky is the division of labor/roles at home.  The traditional gender roles seem to work pretty well over time.  That said, any combination or recipe can work if you're on the same page about it.  We've got folks in our circles where he's the stay-at-home dad and she's the big shot attorney.  We've got other folks who both work and juggle kids around the edges.  We've got others where he's gone all the time, and she cashes the checks.  The friction comes when both partners are not on the same page in terms of roles, tempo, speed, duration, and perhaps most importantly, expectations.  The hubby (or wife) who is sprinting full tilt to set the family up financially will not be tickled when the other is shooting holes in the boat with unchecked spending.  On the other side, the spouse who got left behind while the other fell in love with their career may ask, "What's all this sacrifice for?"  The point here is to have the perfect combination...it's to have open dialogue and share a set of expectations.

It's all about
the expectations.  

Perhaps one of the other "big rocks" is the idea of lifestyle and "addictions."  Sure, we can all likely agree that we don't want to be tethered to someone smoking crack under the bridge in an ideal world.  We may not be so vocal, however, about the spouse who spends more time at the office than at home.  Our addictions can sink us.  While some are perhaps healthier than others...or at least we tell ourselves that - Packers Football, hitting the gym three times a day, an extra job that fills a financial gap.  Perhaps those are excusable...or even embraceable...to a point before "too much of a good thing" still becomes too much.  On the other side of the coin, marriage isn't the fix-it-all cure in a can for serious, more problematic addictions - substance abuse, pornography, social media, etc.  

You have to stop
and get the mud off
every so often.

For those of us who have been married for a while, it's important to keep working toward being equally yoked in the new seasons of life together.  As our children grow up, what does school look like?  Empty nester - what's the ideal day/week/month?  Retirement - go-go, slow-go, no-go lifestyle?  Taking care of aging parents?  As these new chapters of life come to pass, it's important that we stay on the same page through conversation and open dialogue.  When we model the spirit of discussion to our children, it reinforces how to have disagreements and come to a negotiated consensus.  As we work toward a continuous, equally yoked equilibrium, life goes pretty smoothly.  When we grow apart because we get out of balance...there's a whole newly emerging phenomenon, "gray divorce" occurring.  We don't just have to get it right at the beginning of our relationship journey...we have to keep getting it right all along the path.

Have a shared
vision on the
trail.

Perhaps, to sum this all up, or take a stab at summing it all up, equally yoked, largely in my mind, is shared expectations.  Are we going to spend our holidays here or there?  Will we take care of aging in-laws at the expense of our kids?  Will we vacation in a tent or a high-rise downtown?  Will we homeschool our kids?  For each family, there is a balance of right answers to all of life's questions.  The important part (besides Packers' Football and pineapples on pizza) is that we, as spouses, commit to honest, open, routine dialogue where we bring our hearts and opinions to the table... no strings attached...and make a shared vision/plan.  As you take off this week, consider where the turbulent air is on your cruising flight through marriage.  Instead of detouring around it, have a conversation that works towards a shared conclusion...and fly right on ahead...together...without the pineapples.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that have stressed you out where you feel the angst of being non-equally yoked.  Schedule a time this week to sit down and start the conversation.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of those items above.  Figure out how to make a plan...better yet, a system to tackle these issues from being issues in the future.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Andy Stanley Right Person Myth

- Joe Sangl Oxen - pastoral-focused, personal finance guru using oxen and the yoke to explain personal finance.