Solve the Problem

 Solve The Problem

Bring the right stuff.

We often make our issues overly complicated or excuse away all the reasons something won't work.  One thing with emergency services, and I'm sure other professions, is that paralysis of action has consequences.  Whether or not we're feeling 100%, whether or not all the conditions are right, whether or not the right team is on the field...we've got to show up and solve the problem.  There is little room for excuses when someone's life is on the line.  They called us.  They trust in our institution and, by proxy, trust in us without knowing us individually... to show up and solve the problem.  

Maybe the tech.

Similarly, in life, particularly in our role as parents, we're called to show up and solve the problem.  Whether or not we feel 100% ready to be a parent in this particular season of life...the kid is going to be a toddler, teenager, empty nester...and we have to solve the problem.  This isn't to excuse away the practice, preparedness, and repetition that can help ready us for the problems we'll face.  In fact, in large part, the wide-ranging preparedness is what builds our toolbox of abilities that allow us to show up and solve a multitude of problems.  

Or the pencil.

We can set the pre-conditions, or shape the battlespace, so to speak, so that when problems do show up, they're more on our terms or more right-sized than they otherwise might be.  By identifying possible future problems...not all of them...but the likely ones based on your context, we can hopefully get out in front of solutions.  For example, if poor diet/exercise habits run in your family along with cardiac issues...you can see that problem coming in your future...and you can get in front of it with better diet and exercise habits.  Similarly...if you've got a history of financial trouble...before it gets worse...start spending less than you make.  

Or the team.  

By right-sizing, then solving the problems that pop up...we get in a paradigm of problem solving...we become problem solvers.  We've got folks in our circle that are decidedly not inherent problem solvers.  Anytime a bump pops up, they clam up, put their head in the sand like an ostrich, and freeze.  Like most things in life, problem-solving is a learned skill and can be enhanced through deliberate practice.  Much like Toast Masters for public speaking, we can seek out opportunities for problem-solving and decision-making.  This can be through volunteer service, special projects at work, or among friends and loved ones.  In my experience, much of problem-solving is rooted in decision-making.  Often, folks aren't stuck on the "how" but more on the "oomph" of starting to solve a problem. 

Go to the problem.

When we are working with our families, we can try to see around the corner with the problems that our next selves and our family's next season will likely face.  I've never been a dad of pre-teens, teens, or early adults.  I have tried, as a dad of infants, toddlers, and elementary school kids, to be the kind of dad that will be successful in our next season.  The problems our children will face when they're older likely include things with girls, cars, education, money, etc.  By prepping the answers for those problems before they get there, we're better prepared to team up and solve those problems that will likely pop up.

Size it up.

In the more real-time, now and in the next season of life, part of solving the problem is understanding the problem.  It's easy to solve the wrong problem or solve a problem in a way that creates unintended consequences or worse outcomes.  In other words, when we set out to fix something, try to unpack the context and surrounding information with enough calmness to try to avoid additional trouble.  For example, we've talked about 1% changes where we make tiny tweaks to make our lives better instead of blowing up the whole thing in a baby-out-with-the-bathwater/nuclear option sort of thing.  If we solve the wrong problem, we can end up regretting the solution more than the original problem.  

Dig in.

As we wrap it up for the week, it's a reminder to start practicing problem-solving.  We can work as a family to jointly identify problems, unpack the situation and circumstances surrounding the problem, then brainstorm through the options...and implement solutions.  As we talk through the situations that we, our spouses, and our children face, we get better at solving problems as we go.  One of the best gifts we can give our kids is the gift of independence, where they're able to work through the situations they may end up facing.  Through practice...they'll be ready. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of problems that have been nagging you recently...now work through the possibilities...and solve the problem. 
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of talking through the problems in your (and your family's) life; now start working through them...one by one until you're getting better at the process.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- University of Iowa - 8 Step Problem Solving Process

Time is Everything

Time is Everything

Time is a vortex.

I recently read a blog article from author Eric O'Neill regarding the fact that "time is everything."  One line caught me..."are you investing or wasting" your time?  That's a question that we can ask on the micro and macro throughout our lives and busy schedules.  It's important that we look at our schedule - daily, weekly, monthly, annually, and in our season of life with an introspection that allows us to get honest about our alignment of values vs practicality.  In other words, this is an audit that looks at our "budget vs actual" of what we say is critical and valuable as compared to what we're actually spending our most valuable resource on.  

Make time for the moments 
in all seasons.

When we look at the micro scale, or our daily/weekly/monthy interactions, it's critical that we get our "to-do list" items done.  Walk the dog.  Feed the kids.  Show up to work.  Pay the bills.  Those things have to happen in order for us to function in our overall system.  That said, those moments and the moments in between have to be utilized wisely and invested strategically.  When we view time as the valuable commodity and store of value that it is, similar to the way we often view money, it begins to take on the gravity it deserves.  Our weekly schedule can easily get eaten up with endless scrolling and autoplay monotony.  Fortunately, all of that is within our control to be efficient.  

Measure.

Similarly, many of the daily living activities now have more efficient options than perhaps any time in history.  Our great-grandparents likely had to plant, steward, and harvest their own food through seasonal toil.  Today, we can sign up economically for grocery delivery from our nearby big-box store...utilizing a fraction of the hours to feed ourselves than our ancestors did.  By examining those small moments that would have otherwise been consumed in yesteryear, we can easily find a start to our more efficient time investments.  Taking that a step further, we can examine our habits, hobbies, and extracurriculars to likely find and free up additional minutes that become hours.  

Practice.

In the great book Atomic Habits, the author talks about how efficiency that can come through wise habits can be powerful.  As you create time in the little moments (e.g., start a load of laundry and fold it while watching a movie), we begin to build a lever we can apply to making meaningful momentum toward our larger time investments.  In what the Money Guys call the "messy middle" part of life, where we're balancing work, raising kids, supporting parents, and everything else, it's easy to let the time slip away...that we can't get back.  We've talked about the pre-req of quality time is quantity time.  In other words, those small "garbage time" moments, as Scott Galloway put it - dinner around the table, driving kids to school, going on a walk - all add up.  

Schedule.

By carving out some efficiency in our schedules, we can invest those saved moments into the moments that matter - read with the kids, play catch, talk with your spouse - build up the proverbial relationship bank through quality...and quantity time.  For many of us, we can likely tweak the equations of life to balance the scales.  Short on cash...cut back or make more.  Short on time...you can't go back and make that up very well.  We were talking the other day and talked about the idea of a barbell-shaped retirement.  In other words, if we hammer it early to build up some investments that can grow, we can then shift gears to spend more time with our kids when they're small.  And, if we need to, sprint again when the kids are up and out to supercharge our way into retirement if needed.  

Prioritize.

This whole thing isn't to say that you should shirk your responsibilities as a provider for your family.  It is to say that you should widen your aperture to more than just measuring that with a paycheck.  In order to provide wholly for our family's needs, we have to build in enough time to be home and be present...not just for the highlight reel.  In order to do so, if we haven't gotten there with the above small systemic changes...the next step is saying "no" to the one-more/too-many-good-things category items.  It'd be great to volunteer for the soup kitchen...it isn't greater than building a bond with your family (but maybe you could win-win by volunteering...with your family).  Anyhow, getting ruthlessly protective and selective within our calendars is critical to ensure our families are our priority.  

Execute.

As we wrap up, this post has been all over the pinball table.  The salient point is that time is everything.  The old cliché "how do you know you're in the good old days before you're out of the good old days" rings true.  It's easy to miss the forest for the trees and live out the Cat's Cradle song where we look back and realize we missed what was really important.  Perhaps this can be a reminder and wake-up call to be present where your feet are at...and work hard to schedule your feet in the right places more often.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of time swaps (one more meeting for one more walk with kids over lunch) that you can make this week...and put them on your schedule.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of right-sizing your calendar and schedule this week.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References: 

- Eric O'Neill original article

Crawl, Walk, Run, Sprint Sessions

Crawl, Walk, Run, Sprint Sessions

Run is the 
goal.

It's easy to fall into the "stop learning trap" when you're done with formal school.  The secret is, in part, that for a long, happy, fulfilled, and successful life, you need to be a lifelong learner.  When we stop learning, we sort of shut off and begin to rust out.  As we transition from the rote memorization that takes up much of our primary learning years and transition into adulthood, the "crawl, walk, run" model of learning becomes a much more applicable schema or paradigm to use for being self-taught.  The good news is, to get to the run stage, we have just about everything we need right in our very own home.  

Little steps
add up.

From a crawl perspective, there's not much anymore that you can't get the gist of from an online video, tutorial, library book, mentor, etc.  With the basics, it becomes up to us to put in the practice time, the reps, so to speak, until we're starting into the walk phase.  On a disaster deployment, a friend of mine was juggling oranges on a break...after a little chatting, he gave me the basics, and after some practice...I can sort of juggle.  I've made it to the walk stage.  I won't be on a Las Vegas stage anytime soon...but with a little practice, I'm proficient.  

We get there through
diligent practice.

The good news for most of us...in most parts of our lives, we can get to the walk stage fairly quickly...and for most of us...that's good enough.  In the juggling example, I don't need to be a circus-level professional; I only need to be proficient enough to enjoy and delight our kids from time to time.  It's been said that there are 10,000 hours to mastery, but others have said that we can get "decent" in about 10 hours.  You don't need to be a car mechanic...but should be able to do basic maintenance.  You don't need to be a chef...but proficient in the kitchen.  You get the point here...for most of life, we can get the 10-hour level basics down, and that's probably good enough.  

Bring a loved one with you.

For the parts of life that require mastery, perhaps the run stage of the growth process is the right next step.  We tried pickleball the other day, and it was clear that our instructor (a retired guy) was clearly in the run phase of his pickleball journey.  It had served as a passion and connection (physical, social, etc) for him...and he was very good.  In the rest of our lives, the lifelong mastery of things like faith and family is critical to keep striving for continual improvement as we go through new phases and seasons of our lives.  From family, as an example, I went through the crawl (not so great), walk (a little better), run (pretty decent) as a dad of babies.  I had to repeat the process for toddlers.  Now I'm working through what that looks like for elementary kids.  

We don't always have to be 
going the same speed as those 
around us.

It's been said in many of the stressful disciplines that "we don't rise to the occasion, but rather we fall to the level of training."  That means that the "if you fail to plan, you're planning to fail" because we know we have to put in the crawl and walk training/time so that when we're required to...we can do the proverbial run.  In digging into this a little more, the baby steps we take (research, trial-and-error, practice, etc) help us plan...not to fail.  Wing it can sometimes work...but in the most important parts of life, sometimes it is too low a bar for potential failure.  

It takes practice.

When you're working through the crawl stage as a beginner, it's critical to give yourself enough grace and patience to be open to failing...until you fail forward and it works.  I remember during a marathon back during college, where there is a deep sand pit, maybe a half mile long at mile 24 or so...I was in the top 20 out of 700 or so runners when we got to that point.  A German soldier and I took turns falling from cramps, crawling, stumbling up into a walk/jog/shuffle/run, only to fall back to crawling again.  That stage seemed to go on forever...but my ability and willingness to crawl for the training months leading up to the race allowed me to have a little less crawling, or rather, transition to walking more often and for longer than the other guy.  I finished eleventh that year...the crawl/walk/literal run had paid off.  

All the phases can be a 
team sport if you let them.

As we wrap it up this Father's Day weekend, take time to remember that you have seasons behind you that prepare you for seasons in front of you.  You've also hopefully got mentors around you who are a few years ahead of you that can help you figure out what the most effective and efficient methods of crawling, walking, and running are in your life.  The important part here is to remember not to wing it...and remember that you're not in it alone...and that it matters.  Your family is counting on you in the little moments and the big ones, and you've done enough crawling and walking to show up when it matters most.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a soft or hard skill that you've struggled with.  Commit to and list out three crawl things you can do to make that skill/part of life stronger.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of crawling, walking, and running as a family - reading the Bible, reading together, meals around the table, hikes, etc...set a goal...start with the baby steps.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Malcolm Gladwell 10,000 Hours

- Crawl, Walk, Run Framework

Ctrl + Z

Ctrl+Z

Keep teeth
and friends.

In computer and word processing shorthand parlance, "Ctrl+Z" is the shortcut key pair for "undo" your last action.  Made a typo, hit "Ctrl+Z" to undo that last thing.  It, among other shortcut key combinations, can make our lives at work or on the screen more efficient and effective.  When there's a mistake, we can quickly and easily hit the "undo" button to go back a few spaces cleanly and easily.  In "real life," we don't have that easy button, so it's much more important that we take the time "not to get it wrong" on the big stuff.  

Have a 
system.

Let's pretend for a moment that we do have a proverbial "undo" button in our lives.  When would we reach for it?  Would it be at the indicator or the forecast that something is coming?  Would we pump the brakes before the impact?  Or, would we wait until the crisis?  The recovery?  We talk about getting "left of bang" in the emergency business, where we try to apply mitigations or off-ramps when we begin to sense clues and establish patterns that can help us make informed decisions more often and more consistently.  A quick example might be that when we see a yellow light, we cover the brake pedal instead of gunning it.  No need for Ctrl+Z when we don't put ourselves in a position to require us to be accidentally lucky.  

Being tired often
comes first.

In life, the goal is not to need that Ctrl+Z key combination by getting out in front of the situation.  When we look at the equation of trouble from our car example above, there is the "thing" of running the red light.  There are factors that can aggravate the situation - no seat belt.  But...unless someone else is in or about to be going through the intersection...the "bang" is avoided.  In that example, we might Ctrl+Z any point in that equation...before...during...or after the impact where we get T-boned.  When we put that whole thing in reverse...we can prevent the crisis and the need for Ctrl+Z.  We can wear our seatbelts.  Don't turn around to get whatever the kid needs.  Avoid the screen distraction.  Drive defensively.  These actions, when we habitualize them, help us minimize our need for an "undo" button.  

Markers
might be
too.

When we look at the rest of life, we likely need to reach for that Ctrl+Z combination when we're tired, stressed, etc.  Chances are, at our house and yours, the times we look for, reach for, or wish for the buttons is when we snap at a loved one, co-worker, stranger, etc.  Knowing our precursors to when we wish for the button helps us recognize the environment where we're at our worst within.  Knowing this can help us avoid or at least minimize our troubles.  "I spend money that I regret when I ____" - when you're in the pre-req zone...put in some guardrails or friction that slow you down.  You can apply this same logic across the rest of life - diet, exercise, work, faithfulness, you name it.  Listen to yourself and analyze the "how'd I get here" after you have something you regret.  Over time, those patterns start to act as yield or stop signs to help keep you from a major consequence.  

Hang onto it for
the big stuff.

Likely, the death-of-a-thousand-cuts, whether on the keyboard or in life, isn't what Ctrl+Z is made for.  If you find yourself reaching for it every five minutes...you need an overhaul or a new system.  We should, with practice, get to where we are reaching for it less and less often because we're getting more proficient at doing life without it.  Also, keep in mind that it's designed more for us...not for those around us.  A couple of years ago, we got accidentally lucky with a near-miss tornado...that missed everything.  Ten miles to the south, and we would've been on national news for a major tragedy.  There was nothing in that scenario we could've reached for Ctrl+Z on.  We could, however, take ownership in our part - making sure the right resources are acquired, the right people have the right training, the right folks have the right equipment for early warning, and so forth.  The point here is...use it sparingly...and use it where it would actually count.  You can't hit it on your computer (or life) and expect the results to pop out on someone else's screen.  

Bring a dog to
help you watch
out for Ctrl+Z
moments.

As we wrap it up, let's remember that we got better (or hopefully are getting better) in this space, likely because of practice and life experience.  When it comes to our children, we owe it to them to talk through this space.  What it feels like to regret and how to steer that into avoidance in the future.  Much of this is through trial-and-error, not "thou-shalt" lecturing.  So...to that end, let your kids make mistakes while they're still in the safe and loving environment of your home.  Those big mistakes that we want to avoid with lifelong consequences - dropping out, divorce, drugs, etc...we avoid those by learning how to minimize or avoid some of the skinned-knee level parallels when they're little.  

Take care this week and hopefully you reach for the proverbial Ctrl+Z a little less than last week and even fewer reaches next week.  Good luck!

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of things that you tend to reach for Ctrl+Z on in your life.  Now pick out three root causes that you can apply action to so that you don't have to reach as often in this space of life.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) to help reduce the times that you regret and need to apologize by recognizing and avoiding the pre-reqs or environment altogether more often.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Left of Bang

Opposites

Opposites

The opposite of light is 
shadow.

In most parts of life, despite what social media or our politicians say, we don't have opposites; we have continuums.  When we put two things as diametrical opposites in our framing, it also changes the way we see our options in a particular scenario.  For example, when we say "Do you like A or B?" by asking the question that way, we inherently eliminate our creative mind being able to say, "actually, I was thinking C or D."  Our restriction in language can cause us to restrict our full range of options that we have available.  In a finance example, when we frame (could be verbally or just in our heads), "should I buy a new car or should I go on vacation?" it inherently takes "or should I invest for my future by paying down debt" off the table.  

Same
but
different.

I noticed the other day, and we've talked about it here before, that words matter.  When we look at the word selection in terms of an opposite, it can help us better frame or right-size our words.  The other day, a friend was talking about a colleague and had used the word "hate."  That's a pretty powerful word...and by using it, it colors the rest of our interactions...and pollutes the well for other people.  In this example, the "I hate so and so," my view of the person in question was colored for the day.  I thought of and saw them in a different light based on my friend's characterization.  Think about your "hate bucket" - what rises to the level of entry to that category?  Child abusers, Nazis, pineapple on pizza?  The point is that it should be rare air.

On land...or in the water we can
look at the other side.  

Chances are, my friend's assessment wasn't actually hate; they wouldn't swerve their car out of the way to hit the colleague in a crosswalk.  There were several characteristics of the colleague that my friend didn't appreciate or agree with...but hate?   Unpacking this idea, what's the opposite of hate?  Love perhaps?  In this example, flipping hate for love...that's not the right word either...neither, I, nor my friend, looking through the opposite lens would consider love of the colleague.  To say it differently, would I say that I "love" my favorite colleagues?  Probably not.  I've got some great people I work with...but they're not in the same bucket as my family.  

Different isn't a value judgement.

Another way to think about opposites this week is when you are at odds with a family member or co-worker who is taking the "other" side of an argument.  Often, we pin someone in opposition as the diametrical opposite of us.  In reality, chances are, on most any issue or topic, when we take the time to unpack the whole story with context, we probably agree on 80%.  We're each just stuck on our own stubborn 10% pieces at the extreme ends.  When we take time, in the moment, to consider not the whole of an argument but rather the other person's 10%...chances are we can find a compromise or consensus.  This can only happen, however, when we're willing to think about...and converse on the opposite side of our initial thought.  

Strengths
complement.

When we look at our word choice, it's important to think about and be intentional with the word selection.  We've talked about cheapening words like "love" - ice cream, Snickers, and my wife are not in the same category.  But...when we continually equate them in our words...soon...they can be conflated in our thoughts, hearts, and deeds.  Sometimes our segmenting and word selection can be helped with the opposite lens.  When we split things into a continuum or Likert scale of hate, really dislike, okay, like, love, or even more granular, we can better select our sweet spot.  This isn't to say you do a deep dive analysis on each word choice of the day.  But...on the big things, getting very precise on words leads to better outcomes.  

Sometimes changing our 
vantage or paradigm shows
something different.

For example, if I say I hate our current life...my options probably look more scorched earth in nature - move across the country, change jobs, switch spouses - blow everything up and start over in mid-life crisis style.  If, instead, I get more precise with my language and bounce things off the opposite lens, my options and solutions hone in a bit.  In part, one big high or one big low in a system can act with gravity that sucks everything else in deeper.  If I get to the point I'm so frustrated at my job that I convince myself anything is better...that can be a slippery slope to the other parts of my life.  If, instead, I get precise on "I strongly dislike these parts of my job," I can apply action to fix those specific parts.  It's like surgery with a laser vs dynamite or a chainsaw.  

Sometimes the opposite is in time or space...or 
something otherwise unexpected. 

As we look to wrap up, let's take a look at picking the more subtle words as opposites.  If I'm feeling
complacent...what's the other side of that coin?  Engaged?  Interested?  Aware?  Passionate?  Depending on how we answer the question, it hints at our solution to become "not complacent."  Do I need to pay more attention?  Or do I need to become more fired up?  Often it's a little bit of both, but by asking the questions, we dial in.  Is my wife looking for me to take notes while we talk or take her on a weekend outing?  The first step is figuring out or recognizing that you've got a problem...but perhaps our second step should be digging out a Thesaurus before we start applying action or investing resources.  Take a moment this week before responding to frame your potential response with the other side of the coin.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three opposite things that jump out at you this week - try to get one from different buckets of life (work, school, parenting, spouse, etc).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of considering your words and deeds.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- From Wikipedia "In lexical semantics, opposites are words lying in an inherently incompatible binary relationship. For example, something that is even entails that it is not odd. It is referred to as a 'binary' relationship because there are two members in a set of opposites. The relationship between opposites is known as opposition. A member of a pair of opposites can generally be determined by the question: "What is the opposite of X?"

Fail, Parents, Fail

Fail, Parents, Fail

Failure is a huge thing for kids...and for everyone, for that matter.  It sucks in the moment, but those lessons

In the moment...it sucks.

are the ones that help us build strength, resiliency, and capacity.  We, as modern parents, are tending to shelter and shield our children from failure, or perhaps from the consequences of failure, more now than ever before.  Our kids have a couple of "dangerous playgrounds" that they really like to go to in a couple of neighboring small towns...they're the ones we grew up with.  Now, all of the playgrounds everywhere are engineered to be almost "hurt-proof," and things like merry-go-rounds, metal slides, big-jump swings, and the like are gone and gone.  I'm not advocating with a "hurt the kids" banner here...but I am saying we, they, all of us, could use more failure in our lives.  

Team failures have 
lessons learned too.

Tom Brady, the winningest NFL quarterback, 7-time Super Bowl winner...and 199th overall pick when he was drafted recently, spoke with Fortune.  One quote that stood out was, "They have to show up every day with a good attitude, humble when things go well, curious to learn more when they don't go well."  When we normalize losing and stop coddling, we open a door of possibility and growth for our children.  Think about your life - have you learned more when everything went well...or when it crashed down?  In the disaster world, we talk about "successes and lessons learned."  Through the things that don't work out in our favor, the first time, or at all, we tend to create the motivation and action plan for improvement.  

Failure stacks up. 
And we get better.

Brady went on to say, "We've all faced different challenges in life; we've all faced our own adversities.  Look at the hardest things that have ever happened.  We look back at those and realize they're the best things that could've happened."  We recently stopped taekwondo and moved to wrestling for our kids.  In most sports, on most plays, you can "hide" on the coattails of "that kid" that carries the team.  With wrestling, you're it...all in...for better or worse.  As we've talked about in our home, that sounds like more of a proxy for real life and things like our marriage, jobs, and other roles.  Similarly, it has spurred conversations around the preparation - conditioning, learning moves/counters, and such.  In life, do the right prep, tweak the future based on past actions, and we're more likely to find success.

Get back up
after the little
failures.

Another thing with wrestling has tweaked our thoughts that victory may be defined in small ways...much like life.  The goal is to not get pinned in the first period.  Or make it to the third period.  Or, get a takedown this match.  In other sports, the proverbial "everyone gets a trophy and a snack" sort of thing, we're not doing many favors.  Iron sharpens iron.  As a new wrestler, our kids are going up against some kids who, by age 8, have literally been competing half their lives...they're good...they'll win.  We're accepting the defeat...and looking for small wins within the battle.  We can talk about how they lost the war (the match in this case), but how some of the small battles went well...and which ones didn't go well.  We can embrace defeat, learn the lessons, scar their hearts/egos a little bit, and come out stronger on the other side.  

Sometimes they're
better...sometimes
stronger.  Just don't
quit.

Brady also talked about "every time they mess up, we send them to an easier place to succeed."  In his example, he had to grind...hard...every year to move to a role, finally as a senior, as a starting quarterback in high school.  Now, that same kid likely would transfer to another school where he'd be a starter to start with when he landed in the new place.  In many ways, this is a mistake.  We move from a small fish in a big pond to a small fish in a small pond.  The problem is now (and only increasingly so) that the pond our kids will face as adults is not only global but science fiction.  You don't have to be the best computer programmer in your family, block, neighborhood, town, city, county...anymore, but compete with the hungry-for-success kid around the world...and now the AI robot.  

Talk about the 
lessons while 
they're fresh.

Overall, when were you competing hard enough, daring mighty enough, acting brave enough, or putting it all out there enough...to have a chance of losing?  For most of us as adults, we fall into our comfortable, complacent routines where failure is pretty far away.  When we strive to try new things, go big, try a new thing that is big enough, we can show our kids that failure is okay...and model our response to it.  It doesn't have to be the "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" sort of quit your job, change professions, move across the country, and hope to make it in the proverbial "Nashville" sort of thing.  It could be signing up to sing at church, joining the community softball league, or something similar.  It won't go well at first...but...if you stick with it, you'll get better...and it will be fun.  There will be small wins (new friends, new skills, new conversations) along the way...but you probably won't be the champion on your first day.

Winning only
comes from 
losing.

As we wrap up, hopefully this post serves as a reminder and call to action...to stop swimming in the ponds where you win every day...in other words...seek out losing.  It sounds counterintuitive, but the more we build our children's ability to fail and realize it's not fatal, the more we're equipping them for the real world.  When we taste defeat...it makes victory that much sweeter.  Also, take time to read about and study the failures of famous people that have come before us and those in our circles to see real-world examples of how resilience is built.  Most biographies that are worth being written are full...very full...of a life full of hardship and the overcoming...over and over...to get to success.  Talk about and learn those lessons.  Look for the places for you (and your children) can learn similar lessons firsthand.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that you or your children can fail at this week (game night, new activity, something out of the comfort zone).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of failing.  It's not fun...but it is worth it.  You have to commit to leaning in...for a little while.  Dropping out of "wrestling" the first night of practice doesn't help get you very far in terms of life lessons.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- The Power of Failure - Ted X or this Ted X or this one...maybe this topic isn't all that original. 

- “Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.” Mark Twain

Daylight Saving Time

Daylight Saving Time

Harry Potter
shoveling...
like magic.

It's about that time of year again.  In life, there are times, due to "no fault of our own," we either fall backward universally or get rocketed ahead.  A loved one unexpectedly dies.  A company downsizes and lays you off.  Your car just decides it's had enough.  An electrical short burns your house down.  Or...a long-lost relative passes away and leaves you unexpected money.  A new company finds your resume and headhunts you away.  You find the new-to-you mint car online way under price...and it works great.  Either way, the "no fault of your own," something went well or not so much. 

Waiting for the boom
at Yellowstone.

As we come around the corner, this "temporal landmark" on the calendar gives us some time to reflect on those "out of the blue" things that pop into our lives.  Certainly, some are the "no fault of your own" and others cross some invisible milemarker in the sand where, "after twenty years of work, I was an overnight success."  Either way, it's important to have a plan on how to handle our newfound circumstances in a responsible, humble way.  Whether you win the actual or proverbial lottery, or the hand of cards that you get dealt isn't a great one, the next steps are up to you and yours.  

Still waiting...
years later.

When we have an unexpected or, at least, what we feel is "undeserved" loss in life, it's important to remember God's hand and plan in the situation (on the unexpected good side as well).  Having worked around emergencies enough, I know it's beyond our understanding why the seemingly minor fender bender resulted in someone dying on the side of the road, while the Hollywood flip-o-rama and the person is standing by the car waiting for us.  Getting our head around the idea that sometimes bad things happen to good people...and...that in spite of doing everything "right" bad things can still happen is part of maturing and growing up.  I remember both my wife and I, in different situations, were fairly emotionally/spiritually crushed when that realization came to pass...but we're stronger now for it.

Big things
take big time
to get right.

Much like the story of the mighty oak tree growing not in spite of the wind and foul weather, but because of it.  Our lives and our resolution/fortitude/grit come not from an easy life but from the friction, stress, and trauma.  It's been said that we should pray not for an easy life, but for the strength to handle a difficult one.  Our kids are just starting into wrestling, and there are some other kids that may be a thousand matches into their careers...those don't end well for the less experienced.  But, in the losing comes the life lessons that help harden our hearts and bolster our spirits.  They help us remember that failure is seldom fatal and remind us that, at some level, winning is getting back up on the proverbial horse.  Years from now, when "daylight saving time" hits in some unexpected way for our children, I hope that they can trace the seeds of their resilience back to the lessons on the wrestling mat today.  

Grandma
is a bonus.

On the flip side, using a financial example, for when we unexpectedly "spring forward," let's say you get the "surprise" tax refund, the holiday bonus, the house that sells above asking, or the lucky stock pick that goes big.  Or (not recommended or endorsed here), the winning lottery ticket, lucky when you put it all on red in Vegas, or whatever long shot gamble that went lucky.  In both cases, there is some of your steering hand and gas/brake pedal involved...but in both cases, the result may be unexpected.  In a perfect world, you'd set aside a large portion of those "winnings" to help meet your goals - fill up an emergency fund, top off a retirement goal, etc.  In the real world, we just don't want you to "blow it" on plastic junk.  

Have a helmet for the
bad days.

In disasters, depending on the circumstances, there is a cash outlay of "direct financial assistance" that is sometimes available via non-profits, church groups, or FEMA.  The idea is that if you've lost your home, vehicle, all your belongings, is that you can use the "gift" toward your deductible, first month at an apartment, or perhaps a start on a car to get you back to work.  I remember distinctly a disaster in the southern US where the "free money wagon" rolled into town.  Within hours, you couldn't find a big screen TV, gaming console, or beer in three counties.  This "daylight saving time" influx of cash came and went in an instant...but the tornado damage was still there staring at the newly entertained, but still newly homeless folks, in the face the next day.  

Always be
ready for
whatever 
may come.

As we wrap it up this week, use "Daylight Saving Time" wisely to think through your "what if" plan so that you're more prepared should a bad day come to visit without the emotion and trauma of the moment.  Similarly, think through the plan for an unexpected win.  Christmas bonus...what are some goals it could help with, not just a spending spree?  Lastly, it's a convenient marker on the calendar to leverage and reflect (and a little time to course correct) before we close out the year.  Are we where we want to be on the Zig Wheel segments?  If not, you've got two months to lean in a little harder.  It's also a good time to think about what the holiday season looks like in relation to our goals and aspirations.  Holidays can be a convenient time to blow the budget, blow the belt line, and feel awful with the lasting consequences in the new year.  Or, it can be a great time to set yourself and your family up for the "new year, new you" kind of thing.  The choice is yours...and now's a great time to make it.  As we "fall back" this fall...maybe do a little reflective planning so you can keep on killin' it.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you'll reflect on and commit to changing before we come into the holiday season.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of planning for a what if (estate documents, good-bye letter, etc) and what insurance coverages you have in place to be adequately protected.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- "An extra yawn one morning in the springtime, an extra snooze one night in the autumn, is all that we ask in return for dazzling gifts."  Winston Churchill

- "I don't mind going back to daylight saving time.  With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year."  Victor Borge

When It Goes Sideways - Part I

When It Goes Sideways...

Hop on the wagon when 
you need it.

"Out of any adversity are seeds of equal or greater opportunity."  That's a quote from a good friend, and it's an important reminder that we should strive for resiliency.  This means our ability to bounce back stronger because of the stress or struggle of something rough.  The concept is along the continuum of shattering, cracking, surviving, thriving, and so forth.  When a bad day shows up on our doorstep, whatever flavor, we need to try to have our bases covered so that we don't shatter, but rather come out of the situation...in time...stronger for the experience of the struggle.  

Keep moving...even
when the tide goes out.

When we talk about "going sideways," it may take the flavor of illness, untimely death, job loss, home loss, divorce, heartbreak, medical emergency, car crash, disaster, financial emergency, or any other calamity.  There are some preparedness/readiness measures that are pretty hazard-specific and others that are "hazard agnostic" or "all-hazards," as we say in the emergency field.  For our families, the first step is identifying the risks in our environment in order to prioritize and categorize what could happen.  This helps us see the common denominators that can cross-cut where we should prioritize our efforts and investments.  For example, living a debt-free life, beyond the many inherent benefits, makes weathering just about any crisis situation smoother.  

Grab a pool noodle and
ride it out.

There have been countless studies and many blog-type posts about the idea that trees grown in a "lab" setting don't do well.  In order to become the proverbial mighty oak, the sapling tree needs the wind to push on it in order to become resilient.  In other words, the tree becomes mighty, not in spite of the wind...but rather because of it.  Similarly, we're better able to deal with setbacks and speed bumps when we've had some inoculations, or stress-in-small-doses in our past experiences.  For example, a divorce would be crushing...doubly so if you never had the first "teenage breakup."  Never made a "learnable mistake" with finances when you were younger and they were "survivable," imagine navigating a bankruptcy or car repossessions, prepare us for the bigger ones.  

Or hop the canoe to keep
a float.

In the first responder and military circles (and others), you've heard the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and more recently dropping the "D" since it's not a disorder...you went through a beyond belief situation...and you're reacting.  In order to get in front of perhaps the bad consequences or falling down the slope of life because of a traumatic experience, first responders are using Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM).  It employs a peer-to-peer approach with referrals to professionals when necessary.  The idea is that you share the experience and your feelings/reactions to it with a group of peers.  This "breaking of bread" conversation, often around a table, helps us avoid compartmentalizing.  

Learn from the gator or the 
manatee.

In our families, when we're facing stress or a crisis is looming, we too should work on open, transparent communications.  If we've built systems into life for this - dinner around the table, date nights, walks with the family around the block - times when we've said "family communiction is more important than _____," we're better postioned for less awkward interaction and deliberation with our family when it's hectic.  Many of the CISM concepts can be paralleled in home life - dealing with the stress of a new teenager...maybe chat with peers a few years ahead of you who have been through that season of life.  New diagnosis...maybe attend the support group luncheon.   

Bring a friend
or a brother.

When we talk about the negative outcomes of stress, it can manifest in deep dives into our vices - withdrawing, becoming snarky, drinking too much, and many others.  It's been described that over the throughout, we add little bits of water to our proverbial five-gallon bucket.  That bad firefighter call - maybe we add a cup, the near miss of someone running a red light - maybe we add a teaspoon.  The good news is that with healthy coping habits, we can also dip/dump some of that accumulating water out.  Going on a relaxing vacation - perhaps we can remove a cup.  Changing jobs to something less travel-intensive or stressful - maybe we dump half.  Pay off our house - maybe dump half.  Take a walk with our family in the park - maybe dump a teaspoon.  What we're trying to do is avoid the bucket filling and overtopping where we blow up the status quo - divorce, mid-life crisis, new sports car, an affair, suicide, etc.  It's critical to understand how full our bucket is...and more importantly, how we drain it responsibly and safely.  Similarly, keep an eye on (model and check-in) with your spouse and kids on their buckets.  

Sometimes, push
your own wagon.

As we continue talking about the bad things, part of resilience and getting in front of it...and through it...are recognizing that bad things can happen...even if we're doing "everything right."  Bad things do happen...it sucks...but when they do happen, responding to them with intentionality and hopefully some forethought makes the bumpy ride smoother than it would have been otherwise.  This visualization of "what would I do if..." or "how would I respond when..." speeds up our reactionary time when we're hit with some terrible news or dire situation.  That speed and direction (or vector and velocity) help us avoid the cascading or domino-style consequences that will ultimately add to our trouble long term.   

Slow down
when you need.

When we talk about things going sideways, it's important to avoid them going more sideways than "necessary."  With many disasters, we can inadvertently make them worse...catastrophic even...by not slowing down or thinking clearly.  Say that we have a grandma passing away in a far-away state...we can make it worse by putting the travel on a credit card, maybe no-call/no-show at our job, and getting fired, losing our apartment, etc.  I know that's an extreme example, but think about how you keep a bad thing from getting worse.  The whole "throw good money after bad" where we should've cut our losses, but we double down and make something worse.  Think about "how do we stop the bleeding" concept in whatever your situation is...stop it from getting worse...then start working on cleaning up the mess after that.  Prevent the snowball from taking off down the hill...keep it as small and as little momentum as possible.  

If you land on
your head...
wear a helmet.

Lastly, as we talk through this and wrap up this week, I think it's important to include the idea that having faith and thankfulness right sizes the crisis situation.  When we're staring the problem in the face, it can seem overwhelming.  When we think through our heritage and how many sets of parents, grandparents, and so forth had to do what they did for us to be sitting here...that's a lot of crisis and heartache that was overcome.  When we read the Bible, we realize how to overcome trouble and build resiliency.  Similarly, nature (perhaps where you're closest to creation), can help us reset and right size, realizing that we're small...and our troubles are likely smaller...no matter how big they seem in the moment.  

When we come back next week, we'll leave the philosophical/theoretical behind and talk a little more about the practical tips that might help you get through a situation more smoothly.  Know that bad things happen...know that you can survive them...with work and intention...you can thrive on the other side of them.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things that your family can do, philosophically, to be more ready should a bad thing come to visit.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) when it comes to readiness.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Yale Medicine - How To Be Resilient