Home

 Home

Build it.

Last week we talked about "Adventure being out there," or implying not here...not at home.  This week we wanted to talk about the importance of home in terms of the pre-req for the out-there adventure.  There can be a lot of physical and metaphorical definitions of home.  For today's purposes, we'll liken it to a "home base" or logistical fortification secure from the outside world.  David Brooks put it, “All of life is a series of daring explorations from a secure base.”  When we think of "home" as our enabling location to live our very best and big life, it takes on a connotation necessary for our conversation.  

Play it.

In breaking this apart a bit, it's a calling to ensure that as a protector and provider, your home is an adequate (don't hear extravagant) place to feel secure and become ready.  I think it's also important to point out that we can define adventure in this context as "big, full, rich life," however you and your family define it.  For example, we had a summer of playgrounds where we deliberately hit all the playgrounds in our surrounding region and sought out any playgrounds to visit while we were traveling.  That summer wasn't climbing Everest or scaling the Eiffel Tower, but in the several hundred playgrounds we visited, we made a ton of memories and our kids developed a ton of physical and social skills.  Cost...essentially free.  Time...would've gone by anyway.  

Hug it.

Now that we have some of the "adventure" paradigm down, what do we require of home to be ready to make a big, rich, full life from our homes?  In part, we need a set of loving people who meet us where we are at and are always there for us.  Hopefully that's a low bar in your home and an easy checkbox.  We also need a large enough physical structure that is secure.  Don't hear "mansion" here.  We've met some incredible adventure case study folks who make plenty due with a small apartment.  One of the champions in this space lives in a pretty modest home.  We've seen other mansion-level people who get so wrapped around the appearance of success they never go out and be successful in adventure...as a measure of a rich life.  

Travel it.

Adventure, as we're defining it, can require some stuff.  And all of that stuff is on a continuum.  The Fight Club mantra of "what you own ends up owning you" is very true.  The joke that the two best days in a boat owner's life are when they buy it and when they sell it rings true as well.  Using water as an example, we've got a new-to-us canoe for $100 bucks that we've had a lot of enjoyment with.  We also feel guilty if we haven't "used it enough" in a given summer.  On the flip side, we've had equal amounts of fun memories on rent-a-canoe-type things during our travels... probably also a couple hundred bucks all in over all these years.  Compare this to our neighbor in their home just up the street who just got a new "real" boat, as he put it...with a low, low payment of $550/month for 150 months (that's the national average, by the way).  Does his home/family get that much more value as compared to ours?  That's to say nothing of his annual maintenance, storage, upkeep, insurance, bigger truck, and gadgets that go into the whole cost.  

Swim it.

Another aspect of home is enough margin to be able to think and plan far enough in advance to actually do the adventure.  This executive functioning is a byproduct of enough time/space/money around the edges as well as a practiced skill.  In a home that is calendar or budget maxxed, it's awfully hard to get the bandwidth to get out the door.  The cool part is...those are choices, and we can minimize our expenditures of time and money to re-dedicate those investments into whatever you want them to be.  It won't happen overnight, and it may take a moment to extricate yourself from the status quo river you've fallen into.  

Do it at night.

Nationally, the "indoor kid" epidemic with screen time is causing many, many issues.  Long-term conservationists worry that without kids who love nature, we won't have adults who love nature enough to protect it.  Similarly, if we don't have kids and adults who prioritize adventure enough to partake in it, we won't be able to turn on that switch when the time comes.  In other words, nature and adventures are an acquired taste.  We have to pour in our time and commitment routinely enough that our enjoyment of those things becomes habitually second nature.  I just had a friend lamenting that at his house, his kids won't go fishing with him or anything...newsflash...he was the same dad who had no time for his kids when they were little because they were an "annoying distraction" from his adventure passions.  

Walk it. 
Just do it.

As we wrap up this week, hopefully this one makes you think.  However, you define adventure (read: rich, full, big life), and however you define home in terms of a pre-req, hopefully it gets you connecting dots in order ot do the things at home that enable and empower you to do the things outside the home - fill your life with travel, nature, new experiences, you name it.  You owe it to yourself, your family, and your future selves to look back with a big set of memories.  And, while you're at it, remember now that doing so doesn't have to be expensive or overly time-consuming...it just has to be routine and proactive.  Enjoy!

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three adventures you're going to do in the next month...and three things that you'll do around the home to make it happen.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of making changes to your calendar and budget to make adventure possible.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Importance of Home in Nature

Sacrifice - the other side of the coin

Sacrifice -the other side of the coin

Make the sacrifice
worth it.

Last week, we talked about the importance and concept of sacrifice in our human existence.  It is important...in fact, critical to our continued existence.  Perhaps it's the defining essence of humanness compared to the rest of the world around us.  The ability to act outside of our own self-interest is what moves our greater-good collective ahead.  That said, this week I want to talk about stupid sacrifice or "too much" sacrifice.  Before we depart, I want to reiterate our theme of balance here - some sacrifice is necessary.  Trading the big prestige job for the one that keeps you home...but you still have to bring home the bacon.  

Invest the sacrifice
wisely and routinely.

In any given year, there are roughly 100 firefighter fatalities (similar ratios in military, law enforcement, etc.).  About half of those are related to cardiac health - heart attacks, strokes, etc.  About half of the half remaining (25 or so) are vehicle-related, many of those involve no seat belts, driving recklessly, and making stupid decisions.  Of the remaining quarter (25 or so), those are the "necessary sacrifices" where someone paid the ultimate price...where luck ran out, and they traded their life in an effort (successful or otherwise) to save another.  Those deaths are the heroic ones that we should celebrate.  The statutes we should build.  The stories we should never forget.  But...those first 75...it's not heroic, it's tragic that we ate like crap and a heart attack got us...or we weren't wearing a seatbelt...or we drove 900 miles an hour.  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes - don't do dumb stuff...that's not sacrificial...it's stupidity.  

Do good and beautiful
things.

There are times when sacrifice is not in the greater good.  If all of the generals had run into the battle at the front...their deaths wouldn't be for the greater good...the whole army would perish in their vacuum.  Similarly, if the start-up CEO started doing energy drinks via Red Bull, working 20 hours a day, cat-napping under their desk...sure...for a minute that might move the needle.  Long-term, though, it creates a toxic culture at best.  At worst, they become a zombie who is incapable of leading.  Perhaps worse yet, they die early, and the company fizzles out.  Their "worthy" sacrifice might look more like pumping the brakes and leaving a little growth on the table for the right kind and right pace of sustainable growth.  

It often doesn't
take much to 
make it worth it.  

Sometimes, sacrifice needs to be a sprint or a season.  We've all had times in our lives where we've had to run hard...sometimes harder than we think we can.  Long term, that insanity mode is not sustainable.  Short term, it can be freeing...it can be family-tree level altering.  In our family finances, the sprint session of hard grind for a few short years can set up the rest of your life.  Early on, we lived in a crappy apartment, drove crappy cars, worked every overtime hour, hustle-and-grind...grind-and-hustle - investing all the fruits of our sacrifice wisely.  Now, those investments are gaining a life of their own.  Had we tried to maintain that lifestyle long term....sure, we'd possibly have another zero in an account somewhere...we'd also probably have a divorce or two, an ulcer, a first heart attack, an estranged kid, and more in the rearview mirror  

Bring the 
team along.

Good, healthy, productive sacrifice shouldn't be a stick to beat others with.  When it's working, it's a teamwork value.  I'll go to work and sacrifice to make the money for our family.  My wife will sacrifice her career ambitions to stay home and raise our children.  Both of us are pouring in, equally yoked, in our sacrifice.  The sacrifices don't have to be equal...our willingness to make the sacrifice is the necessary equalness.  The team or family's commitment to sacrifice based on our individual strengths, weaknesses, capabilities, and communication are where the magic happens.  Additionally, our sacrifice towards a shared vision of the greater good is important.  If it's a blind sprint toward a brick wall...that does no one any good.  

Just keep taking one step in front
of the other...for a while.

At home, if we work nine gillion hours...that's not sacrifice, that's idiocy empowered.  Sacrifice is important...critical even...but only when strategically aligned in a system ready to take it.  If sacrifice occurs, especially over a long time horizon, it becomes a resentment and bitterness fills the hole it creates.  I've known people in my circle who embrace sacrifice as the humble-brag, "I sacrificed more than you" or "I only sleep two hours a night so that I can sacrifice for you."  Those are not sustainable.  They're not healthy.  They're enabling, not empowering.  

And enjoy
the journey.

As we depart this week, hopefully something here has resonated with you.  Sacrifice is critical.  We have to do it to be functional parents or spouses...or employers/employees...or leaders/followers...or about any other role in life.  We have to choose to do it smartly.  We have to choose the right level, right time, right duration, right tempo, right reason to give our sacrifice.  Sometimes the "jump in front of the bullet" sacrifice is the easiest kind.  Often, the long slog sacrifice or the pump-the-brakes sacrifice is more difficult to get our arms around...but it's often more meaningful with more staying power.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three examples of sacrifice to unpack, study, and discuss as a family this week.  What made the sacrifice "good" and worthwhile?  What made it stupid?  What are you going to learn from and implement in your home based on those case studies?  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of stupid and smart sacrifice.  Are there changes at home (and beyond) you're called to make in reflection?  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Mark Tey - Too much sacrifice

- Mark & Jill Savage

Sacrifice

Sacrifice

Sometimes,
sacrifice is 
quiet.

Sacrifice - "an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy."  What a concept.  As humans, we're inherently selfish creatures.  Our own self-interest is an adaptation that has protected our species from the beginning.  At the same time, our ability to sacrifice may be what defines us as humans.  The animal kingdom can be a pretty rough place.  Not often do you see one animal saying, "You know what...go ahead and eat me, so that this other animal can get away today."  In our human society...we've got entire professions dedicated to sacrifice...up to and including not coming home at the end of the day - military, law enforcement, fire service.  

It's often
what others 
won't do.

When we think about sacrifice, we want to be assured that our sacrifice, our contribution, our gift to others is worth it.  Picture the quintessential war movie...people dying all around the main character as they storm the beach, castle, or fortress...wanton slaughter.  In the fairy tales and storybooks, the sacrifice results in the slaying of the dragon and the rescuing of the princess.  In real life, many young (largely) men over the millennia have bled and died on unnamed hills only to give the hill back the next day...and retake it the following...and give it back.  

Sometimes,
just a little
braver, longer.

As our modern world seems to slip further and further from the universal truths that our forefathers and ancestors held dear, I worry about our ability to sacrifice.  My grandparents' generation toiled, struggled, suffered...sacrificed.  Their generation (and those before them) freely poured their blood, sweat, and tears into building the foundations of our families and nation at large.  Now, we all have people in our circles who are unwilling to sacrifice the remote control or the climate controls in the car.  The truths that root us to our Creator are perhaps the underpinnings or prerequisites that allow us to say (and believe), "this ideal is more important than me."  "This thing is bigger than me...and worthwhile of my offering."  Good.  Evil.  Love.  Hate.  Freedom.  These big truths allow us to set aside all that we have to help preserve those ideals.  

Many times it wears
a uniform.

In parts of our world, we have Christians who are living a life where they're (by their choices) writing the blank check that may get cashed any day if they're found out.  The check that says, "I'm going to be bold in my faith.  I'm going to spread the gospel...even if it kills me."  Perhaps even more scary, "even if it hurts really bad for a really long time."  There's a peace in death.  Sometimes sacrifice demands a longer fortitude, like our prisoners of war.  For the tippy-part-of-the-spear in our military and some of our first responders, they write the same blank check and have it hanging over their heads when they go to work.  

It can be 
patient.

As a public safety guy, I can get my head around sacrifice, ultimate sacrifice.  In our culture, there's a heroic "at least I died running into a burning building to save a baby" or "I dove on the grenade to save my teammates" ethic.  We present medals, bestow honor, and hold up the heroes who were braver longer than all those around them.  Those who were willing to stand in the breach and were willing to sacrifice all...over and over again.  Having served big chunks of my adult life in professions where pain and death were possibilities...I've got a sense of sacrifice.  I've seen it firsthand.  I've heard of it second hand.  We've all watched it on the big screen.  

It can be
generational.

As a dad, I'm not sure I can get my head around sacrifice.  There are situations where I can say, "boy, if I were there, I'd take a bullet for them" or "man, if I had to trade my life for theirs...I would."  I've never had a situation or a thought, "may I'd trade my child's wellbeing for someone else"...not once...not for a moment.  When you think of the kind of sacrificial "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" love.  Wowzer...if that doesn't make you a believer, I don't know what would.  I can't get my head around sacrificing my child.  Myself, sure.  My co-worker, sure.  My boss, sure.  My friend, sure.  My child...not so much.  

Sometimes
it wears a
cape.

As we tone down the message here for a minute, can I/do I/would I/will I sacrifice my ego...my desires for the greater good of taking care of and providing for my family.  Meeting their needs before and above my own.  That's our calling as parents, as spouses.  As Christians.  Perhaps that's the definition of adulthood, or our mile marker that tells us that we're mature.  Beyond the "hard" physical sacrifice where we trade blood (a little or all of it) for a greater good, there's another, slower-burning kind of sacrifice.  Think about the parent or caregiver who sets aside their own dreams, hopes, or hobbies to provide for their family.  I'm not certain which one requires more fortitude or bravery...the sudden sprint onto the bloody beach or the day-in, day-out lifetime slog.  

...or a hero 
mask.

As we wrap it up, this week's challenge is to "sacrifice" your football time, hobby time (or money), your ego, your dreams...for your loved ones.  If we start practicing on the little stuff today, "honey, what would you like to watch," it helps us build the heart and habits of being able and ready to sacrifice on the bigger stuff.  Always wanted to be the vice president of your company?  What about when that runs counter or at too great a cost to be the provider, protector, parent that you've been called to be?  Sometimes that's much harder than our hard-wired catch a bullet for your kid sort of sacrifice.  Practice on the little stuff...so that you can rise to the occasion on the big stuff.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you'll sacrifice this week or this season.  Set aside yourself for a minute...lean into your loved ones.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) can sacrifice to grow in your love and faith this week.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Mark and Jill Savage - Sacrifice at Home

99% Good

99% Good

Homework...
probably not 100%

For the most part, we don't need 100% in our lives.  When you think about "good enough" in terms of most parts of life...in reality...we don't "need" a 100% score.  Think about the old "C's get degrees" and the old joke, "What do you call the person who graduated last at medical school?..."Doctor."  When you're at work, 100% all the time, every day just isn't a reality.  The striving for perfection is likely a recipe for burnout and failure due to unrealistic expectations.  If we saddle ourselves with an unattainable "perfection" as a standard, that just doesn't live in reality and certainly doesn't have staying power.  Oftentimes, the right goal line is progress...not perfection in life.  We have to give ourselves (and our loved ones) that grace in most parts of our lives.

Jumping
motorcycles...
probably so.

On the other hand, there are times when 100% is required.  Seth Godin recently had a good article that got me thinking.  What if your doctor and nurse team scrubbed 99% of the germs off their hands, then rooted around...the infection will probably still kill you.  What about a pilot who generally lands the plane well enough to walk away 99% of the time?  How about when you choose not to have an affair 99% of the time?  There are times in our lives when the standard has to be a 100%...all the time, every time propositions...not "good enough."  Those things have to be selected sparingly and then have systems to scaffold up the lofty ideals.  Where there is no margin of error...we have to have so-called "bomb proof" ways of doing business that allow us to be successful.  

Grocery shopping
probably not.

It's been said, "How you do one thing is how you do everything."  In our 100% category, at some level, is our character and by extension, our reputation.  Are you the person who shows up and does half the job?  Do you cut corners?  Are you always late?  Are you "retired on active duty?"  There's a saying out west, "Ride For The Brand," where it boils down, as Louis L'Amour, famed western writer, put it (paraphrased), "if you take a man's money, give a man's size day of work."  In other words, show up and do the thing.  All of us can have our cheat days where we slack off, reset, and refresh.  But...if you stray too far away from that 100% ideal, pretty soon your reputation is who you are...the cheat...the slacker...the lazy one...the sloppy one.  Those aren't adjectives that most of us want to be associated with our names.  If you start down that slippery slope..."I'm only sloppy at work"...it doesn't stay there...soon enough, you'll be that same sloppy person at home...with your kids...with your marriage vows...with your finances.  Aristotle said it best, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Grading dad...
maybe so.

In life around the house, most of the things we do...don't have to be perfect.  Taking out the trash...most of the time works...especially if your family can rally around the other times.  Doing dishes?  Folding laundry?  Cooking dinner?  Reading to the kids?  Most are fine with "most" as a good enough standard.  It's important not to frame these things in the binary, "it's not 100%, so 0% is a fine answer."  This "good enough" standard isn't an excuse or pass to slack off or get the job half done...it's a reminder to be a human...in particular...the kind of human that you'd want your loved one to be able to love.  This means leaning in and pulling your weight around the house...in all the ways.  

Rollerskating...
probably not.

It's been said that marriage is a 50/50 prospect, where if we both just do half the stuff all the time, we should be fine.  In reality, if we're both closer to leaning in 100%, 100% of the time on the concepts, marriage goes more smoothly.  This isn't to say that we have to have a wrestling match on who is doing dishes tonight...but if we both lean toward 100% of trying to serve the other spouse...that's a win ("you do the dishes, I'll catch the laundry").  Communicate clearly...win.  Love unconditionally...win.  Help out in general with the household chores...win.  Lean into our agreed-upon roles and strengths...win.  No team needs 11 quarterbacks...when we all play our role at home as best as we can...breadwinner, homemaker, mother, father, husband, wife, servant, follower, learner, leader, lover...we win.  

Basking in the little
moments...for sure.

In prepping for this post, we chatted about those 100%, cannot get them wrong sort of things.  Building a bridge or skyscraper...probably so.  The examples of the doctor scrubbing or the pilot landing...probably so.  In trying to lump a category together and label it, probably something like regarding life-altering/life-or-death consequences.  In using that test or question to put stuff in or out in our own lives, it may help us frame the different pieces and consequently allow us to put the proper attention and resource investment in the right places in our homes.  Faith...100%.  Love...100%.  Hope...100%.  Forgiveness...probably 100%.  Fidelity in our marriage...100%.  Chores...not so much.  Honey-do list...not so much.  

Archery...not
so much.

As we wrap it up for the week...challenge yourself to be a leader in your home that really spends some introspective time reflecting on your 100% buckets...can you say you're nailing it...every time on the most important things?  Can you say that in the other things...the trivial ones...that you're in the 99% bucket?  More often than not?  Sometimes bucket?  The "that's her/his job" bucket?  If you've been in the wrong bucket for a while...there's no better time than right now while you're reading this to bump up your efforts and start 100% from here forward...or in the less important stuff...leaning in more than you have historically.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of things that are 100% things in your home.  Discuss with your family the systems in place to make sure it's happening.  (E.g., how do you remind your spouse and kids that you love no matter what...for always...100%?)
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of the 100%er categories.  Are you all walking the walk and talking the talk?  Do you need a little pep rally?  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- The 100 Percent Rule - Medium

- Red Stegall - Ride For The Brand

You'll Be Dead...

You'll Be Dead...

The rocks will
still be there.

You'll be Dead Soon...that's how the world works.  In the Elite Motivate video below, the speaker points out the reality that 100 years from now, you'll be gone, someone else will be living in your home (or it'll be gone and replaced), your cars will be in a junk yard, your kids will be old or gone, and your great-great-grandchildren won't know much of anything about you.  Chances are, no one else will remember you.  And...that's okay.  That's how the world works.  Our place in the world is small and temporary.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't live our best life...to the contrary, because it's small and short, it's a calling to live our best life...to choose that every day.    

Sit on them...take it
all in when you can.

The point in the video is that because all of it is so fleeting, it should be freeing.  Think about all of the things that currently have you stressed out...not one of those things will matter in 100 years.  Most of the worries you have are trivial when you zoom out the timeline perspective.  Mark Twain summed it up, "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened."  It's so easy to get wrapped up in the "small stuff," as the Don't Sweat It... series of books puts it.  I get it...today, when time is sitting on your shoulders, there are realities of paying the mortgage, getting that project done at work, and keeping up on the honey-do list.  But...I also get it...you'll be dead...soon...in the grand scheme of things.  

Climb on them.

There are not a ton of timeless things - God, nature, not much else comes to mind.  Even our human ancestors are mostly fleeting...the Egyptian Pyramids, maybe a few fossil-style footprints in New Mexico, a few finger paintings on a cave wall, not much else remains from the time before time.  Think about your work here on earth as an employee...how much would remain six months after you switched jobs?  There are file cabinets filling storage units of "stuff" that was generated, then the "new guy/gal" changed it when they came along.  It's been said our work lives are like a bucket of water...put your hand in there, when you pull it out, look for the hole that remains.  

Crawl up them. 

As a husband and father now, I've gotten (and try to embrace) the responsibilities of being an adequate protector and provider for our family.  I've stressed and fretted and chased the opportunities I thought that would best position our family for long-term success.  We've made decisions about jobs, homes, cars, lifestyles, and everything else that seemed monumental and critical in the moment.  In reality, when we zoom out to the 100-year marker...none of those really matter.  Which job we had, where we lived, which car we drove, and so forth...none of those really matter.  What might matter is how we raised our children, which values we passed on, and what habits and lifestyles our children embraced.  Perhaps, those things will get translated to their children, and their children's children.  

Look at them.

I remember a conversation with my dad several years back where he was reflecting on who he was at my age...and how my children and I would never know "that him."  He was no longer the flyfisherman, elk hunter, softball player, guy who could carry a backpack a long way to get just the right photo.  His youth was dead...sacrificed and killed off to become the provider for my mom and siblings.  We each make our own decisions, and we each have our own responsibilities that fall upon us in life.  My kids will never know "that man" who is now grandpa.  In thinking through it, I'd take off a lot of hats (line firefighter, parachuter, farm/ranch hand, military member, etc) by the time our children came around.  Those parts of me were long gone (dead) as a new me was born right alongside our children.  

Study them.

In thinking through this week's conversation, I think it's a reminder to put the right size and right direction, and focus our efforts on what will matter most.  It's easy to say in a vacuum here, without the "realities" of the situation.  I get that.  I also get that we can shut off the ball game and snuggle up to read with our children.  We can say "no" to guys' night and go do a campfire in the backyard.  We can forget that we'll be tired in the morning at work...and go camp out in the tree house.  We can say "no" to the new car upgrade and build the treehouse...so that we can learn skills together, bond...and have a place to go camping in the backyard.  Those things are very doable.  We can work in the little moments to not let our previous selves completely die off... Grandpa was a fisherman, Dad was a fisherman, so I should probably take our children fishing.  And...if you do it right...you can probably "see" those old men standing beside us while we drown a few worms in the creek...and that might be what it's all about.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few changes you'll make today...that will change your family tree.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of impacting the long lasting parts of life. 

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Elite Motivate Video

Prayer...

Prayer...

God is
good.

We believe prayer is a powerful part of a healthy, well-rounded life -  parenting, marriage, and any other facet.  The introspective conversing and acknowledging of gratitude and our place in the world helps ground and focus us.  We can fall into the "I'm not much, but I'm all that I think about" mentality, that is increasingly prevalent as we trade community IRL (in real life...I had to look that one up) for relationships on screens.  This evolution, so to speak, is one that is leaving us more lonely and disconnected than perhaps ever before.  The good news is, we can push back.  In the "God helps those who help themselves," we can start with prayer and follow up with Kingdom-spreading, community-creating actions.

Go see the 
miracles.

In building community through prayer, are we doing the things and being the people that we are inspired to be?  Andy Stanley put it this way in relation to dating, "Are you being the person that the person you're looking for is looking for?"  In other words, our prayers should start with us being in the right frame of mind and heart.  We can (and should...in fact are called to) be prayer leaders.  Do we pray at lunch when we're out with coworkers?  If so, we can give permission, so to speak, to others around us who may be less confident in their faith.  We should use prayer to shape who we are, who we're becoming, our children, and those around us in daily life.  

Pray - not just
on the home 
games.

When we talk about prayer...I'm far from any sort of expert...or even necessarily very good at it.  I do try to be consistent, but, likely like all of us, lots of room to grow.  If you're like me, we often fall into the routine traps of being thankful for our bullet-pointed list and treat God and prayer like Aladdin's genie or Santa's list.  I know I'm guilty of lacking creativity or imagination when it comes to prayer.  When was the last time you prayed for the parents who are raising your son's future wife?  How about for the martyrs and missionaries who are sacrificing, sometimes their very lives for their beliefs?  What about the president/governor/mayor or other leader that you don't necessarily agree with?  What about the ones that you do agree with?  For your enemies?  For an easier life or stronger fortitude and resilience?  We're called to forgive and pray for our enemies.  Do we even pray for our neighbors?  How often is the object of our prayer not someone in our own four walls?

There's no wrong
place to pray...

Before we bring our desires, do we bring our vulnerability and our brokenness?  Do we allow vulnerability and openness to be part of our conversation?  Do we allow those things out loud, beyond our inner voice in our head or heart...do we share that with our families?  Prayer probably should be a one-on-one conversation with you and your Creator.  It probably also should, at times, be a family conversation with your crew...and the Creator.  I know this is one area that I pretty firmly suck at...being called to be the "spiritual leader" of our family means that sometimes we're in the driver's seat, out loud in prayer with our families.  

There's no wrong time 
to pray...

The old "what if you only had tomorrow what you thanked God for yesterday?" is a good way to look at our gratitude and, in my mind, should be the foundation for our prayer life.  When our family has stopped and thought about that...talked about that...before we pray...our prayers are better.  Instead of just the lip service copy/paste prayer, the pre-empting question often challenges us to be more mindful and offer more meaningful prayers.  How much would you have tomorrow in your world if you only had your yesterday prayer?  I know, for me, somedays, I'd probably not like the answer.  

There's no wrong way
to pray...

I think a lot of prayer is a chance to really be introspective with ourselves and our loved ones.  When was the last time we prayed for quantities of the Biblical heroes - patience, tolerance, kindness, wisdom, courage, stronger faith?  When was the last time we asked God to use us for His will and not for him to make our will come true?  How about when was the last time we thanked God for being God?  By looking inside ourselves and remembering our smallness in relation to his vastness...and the power and magic that He, King of Kings...still made you...it's amazing.  Do we think and pray about our place in the world?  Hint, hint...these "relative size" prayers are probably easer to find out in nature, in creation.  

 Give thanks
in all things.

When was the last time we adored him?  Listen to most traditional Christmas songs...actually listen to the words...there is inspiration in there for our prayers.  Use the link below to listen to the The Tabernacle Choir's rendition of It is Well With My Soul.  Dave Ramsey said "he met God on the way up, but got to know him on the way down."  In our lowest moments, do we remember to rejoice, celebrate, and adore Him...even when we don't feel like it?  Do we raise up our praise and give our "'Cause all that I have is a hallelujah, hallelujah.  And I know it's not much, but I've nothin' else fit for a King.  Except for a heart singin', "Hallelujah, hallelujah"?

Make it a 
team sport.

I think we've talked about it before...but I have a close friend who refers to "Heaven's big movie theater" where, like Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven, the Celestial Theater shows us what was beyond those doors we couldn't see beyond in the moment.  When was the last time we prayed to be an important part of someone else's story?  Are we typically the main character in our prayers?  Do we pray for support characters in our lives?  Or that we can better support those in our circle around us?  Do we pray in the moment?  Before we forget or get distracted?  "Dear God...thank you for this.  Amen"

Pray in the little
places...

Do you treat prayer was a conversation with the Creator of the Universe?  Or, do we treat it as a fashion accessory to blend in with those around us?  Worse yet, do we deny and denounce our relationship with Him to blend in?  It is important to have a bold, big faith.  Speaking of that - we often don't pray big enough.  The God who can move mountains is also the God that we cast our biggest fears, doubts, worries, trials...and celebrations upon.  Do we think to pray bold, big, beautiful prayers where we trust God to do miracles?  Or, do we cast our trivial, small requests upon him, "if it isn't too much trouble, please let me have a good day."  

Pray when 
you're barely
hanging on.

When we're praying - do we thank God for His wisdom in our lives?  Garth Brooks' song Unanswered Prayers is the story of appreciating the doors that God closed on our behalf...when we couldn't see the "why" in the moment.  In our prayer, do we look back and see His divine hand of providence or fate?  Do we rejoice in that and appreciate that in our present prayer life?  There are doors in my past, and probably yours, that, in the moment were seeped in heartache, frustration, and fatigue...fast forward and I couldn't have gotten here...without going there...and...I wouldn't go back and trade knowing what I know now.  

Pray in the big 
places...

There is an old saying that "there are no atheists in foxholes" - do we only pray when it's convenient?  Do we make time for Him or do we give him the leftovers...if we have the margin at the end of the day/week/month/year/decade?  Do we make prayer a habitual part of our hearts and our calendars?  There is no "wrong" time to pray.  Perhaps some "extra" right times are at meals with our families, when we get up in the morning, when we go to bed.  What about when we see a disaster on the TV?  Hear a siren down the street?  Do we pray for safety for those responders?  For those they're going to help and their families?  

Pray when you're
completely grounded.
Just pray.

As we wrap up...this post has been a long one...full of questions and perhaps that's poignant...because I don't have all the answers...and maybe that's the point.  Hopefully this post got you thinking...really thinking...about where you're at in your spiritual journey.  Hopefully it makes you think about how you're leading (or not) yourself and your family and those around you in terms of faith.  Hopefully it reminds you to make prayer top of mind...not an afterthought...not hidden...not weak.  Hopefully this post reminds you that without being centered in faith...without keeping an open channel with The Creator...nothing else really matters all that much.  I'll pray for you and yours...maybe you can do the same.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you're going to pray for...go ahead and pray those things now...like right now.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of being a more faith-centered, prayerful family.  Commit to making those habitual...starting today.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- It is Well With My Soul - The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square

- Dave Ramsey on prayer and faith

- Garth Brooks Unanswered Prayers

- Brandon Lake and Jelly Role Hard Fought Hallelujah 

- Brandon Lake Gratitude

- John Rich Earth to God

Past, Present, Future

Past, Present, Future

Do the hard
things now...
it pays off.

For most of us, part of our calling in life is to leave it better than we found it...to set our children up for a better life than we had.  That's an admirable goal...one that we're aspiring to ourselves.  One that is worthwhile, bigger than ourselves, and worthy of the sacrifice of the hundreds of ancestors who came before you and paved your way. The problem is, in trying too hard, we can accidentally cripple our children.  Too often in this space, we subscribe to the wrong half of the "give a man a fish vs teach a man to fish" part of the adage when it comes to parenting.  In The Millionaire Next Door, authors Thomas Stanley and William Danko give alarming facts about the "economic outpatient care" that goes on in America.  I'd guess, it's only gotten worse since the book was released, but would encourage you to read the stats...and the book at large.  

Even when 
confusing, 
keep going.

It starts when they're little - we're doing our children no favors when we starve them of bumps/bruises and shelter them from any form of pain or failure.  In the moment, it may feel like the right thing to help them avoid the need for band aids.  In the long term, we inadvertently create spoiled, fragile adults - I think very few of us set out with that end state in mind, but unfortunately, many of us get there.  It's likely better, probably far better, to have our children break an arm climbing the tree...than to never climb a tree.  It's far better to crash your bike...than never ride a bike.  Better to, as Garth Brooks says in The Dance, chance "I could've missed the pain, But I'd had to miss the dance."  We're doing no favors in sheltering our children or holding them up...when they're not able (or more likely willing) to stand up.  

Build your own
helicopter if needed.

On the flip side of helicopter parents, I've seen folks get so wrapped up in their current life and ego...usually with work...that they sabotage their children and their future.  The "first generation" rich cohort has been long studied in this phenomenon...they're willing to do the work, put in the time, make the sacrifices necessary to "do the thing."  This is well and good, but often in "doing the thing" they forget to teach their children how to do the thing...or rather, how to be the type of person who will do the thing.  I don't know how many people in our circle we've seen end up with kids that resent their parents because "the thing" was more important than they were growing up, or kids who are pretty useless as adults, in spite of pretty professionally solid parents.  

Mimic what 
works well. 

Before we had kids, we sat down and made a list of "who was really winning" and a few stages ahead of us.  The list of who we admired, wanted to emulate - we dissected the "what specifically about them" was it that we could "copy/paste" in our marriage and parenting or other roles.  There wasn't a ton of overlap between those "killin' it in business" and those that we said, "that's who we want to be like in our parenting."  Now, fast forward a decade, one person comes to mind in the, "man, they're kids turned out great" category...but the person is a pretty terrible boss/leader.  Another, very "emulate-able" in terms of our shared profession, but wowzer...I wouldn't want to trade kids.  

If you're going to be
a helicopter, at least
be a cool one.

As we try to unpack and track what makes those around us successful and balanced, we try to keep an eye on the people with the traits in kids that we want our kids to be like.  In other words, what is the recipe (or at least, what are the ingredients) that others are winning the cooking competition with.  As we ran through some case studies for this article, it seems like there is a high degree of Venn diagram overlap between the group of "killin' it at work...not so much at home" and the "failure to launch" group of people.  As we circle back around to the "economic outpatient care" from Stanley and Danko, we've got adults in our circle who are not standing on their own two feet.  Fortunately, we're still early enough in our parenting journey to learn...and hopefully, course correct in our own home before it's too late. 

Say no and 
save up for
the priorities.  

I've got a former co-worker who, their family, all-in is probably making close to $300,000/year...in a fairly low cost of living area...and recently she confided in a mutual friend, that with the government shutdown (mind you, it's only 10 days old at the time of writing this), that "she probably can't make her mortgage payment this month."  Meanwhile, she was just showing off her fancy new $800 blender.  Her children are learning the "buy whatever I want" habits, but knowing her kids, they're not destined to go into fields necessary to support this "I want it now" lifestyle of consumption.  Macro size that attitude and enable it with endless credit card offers and no shocker, our country is in trouble, the unsustainable, long-term sort of trouble.  

They're counting on YOU to 
get it right...don't let them down.

Before this post rattles off too far into the doom and gloom, holier than thou lecture.  I'll wrap it up with a reminder that "You," yes, "Y-O-U" can change your family tree.  You can be the one person, today, this very day, that starts living the way that your great grand children look back on and go, "that was when our lineage changed."  It's easy, so easy, to get wrapped into the hustle, bustle and go-along-to-get-along river-like momentum of raising children.  We look up from rowing our boat down the river and realize we're a decade into it...and we're far down the river.  Our oldest just turned nine this month...he's halfway to "out of the house."  It's really forced us to contemplate, "is he halfway being ready to be out of the house?"  

Don't tell mom 
about fireworks  
even on sale.  

As we wrap it up, let this be a cautionary road sign along your journey to say, when you look back in a hundred years, "will the decisions you're making today, be the ones that helped or hurt, enabled or disabled, your grandchildren's children?"  Are we building the kind of kids that are ready to take on a dynamic, crazy world?  Are we setting the balanced example that provides for their physical needs...while still having enough left in the tank (and be willing to pour into) their emotional, spiritual, educational, and other needs?  If so, "kudos and high five." If not, let today be an exit ramp on your version of Tim McGraw's Next Thirty Years to leave you with one more country music classic.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things you can do today...in the now...that provide a present to the generation of great great grandkids that'll come along long after you're gone.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) of creating kids who grow up to be adults who don't need "economic outpatient care."  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Economic Outpatient Care by the White Coat Investor

- National Library of Medicine Failure to Launch