Raising Someone's Husband

Raising Someone's Husband

This is a call to action that, we as parents, have to rise to the occasion.  For us, we've got little boys who will grow up to be husbands.  We hope and pray that someone out there who has little girls is raising them with similar intentionality since they'll grow up to be wives...maybe one of our future daughters-in-law.  As I lay here at 5:30 in the morning with a squishy, snuggly 4-year-old nestled in beside me, somehow that responsibility hit him.  We talk about it, plan around it, and hopefully do more than give it lip service.  As we work on preparing our children for what they'll face in their future life, being happily and successfully married is a key and critical component of that.  It starts with modeling the behavior your hope to instill and working on teaching skills, calling out items that you're looking for, and continuously improving them.  

Responsibilities and 
habits start early.

We talk about "hunt the good" elsewhere here at Family In The Arena and recently we've worked on some of that in a more tangible way.  Generally, we don't do "allowance" but focus on a "commission" (the subtle difference being work=pay, no work=no pay) chore jar.  We've got a set of small items (dried corn, small seed-type nuts, and larger nuts) that live in a candy dish in the kitchen.  When the boys complete a chore or we "catch them doing something good" one of the items moves from the community dish to their mason jar.  At the end of the week, we cash out their jar and pay them a commission.  The reason we dive into this here is an example of "raising someone's husband."  We hope (and hope is not a plan) our boys grow to be selfless, effective, efficient providers who take care of the needs of their families...we can call out what that looks like in a deliberate and proactive fashion coupled with meaningful conversion in the little moments and in summary each week.  You can do something similar by defining "the good" and hunting it...you'll find it.  

Picking flowers starts
early for mom...and
hopefully their future
wife likes bugs
with their flowers.

Another part of "raising someone's husband" is, as Pastor Andy Stanley put it, you have to "be the person you're looking for is looking for."  This simple statement has powerful ramifications that last a lifetime.  Typically this part comes more into play when they're a bit older...but practice makes perfect.  If you're not looking for a mate that epitomizes the deadbeat, couch-potato, videogamer in "mom's basement" don't start practicing on how to be that now.  Work with your sons and daughters on becoming the person that you hope their "future person" will be looking for years later.  For us, we've distilled that down to a few key items and work to help our boys embody those traits - provider, protector, chivalrous, caring, kind, loving, effective, efficient, and so forth.  You can pick out the words that become a way of life and resonate with you...then do that.  

If you're like us, and I suspect you might be if you're reading this...a huge part of the equation to make all this go from the library section of fantasy to biography is through prayer.  Intentional, deliberate, daily.  When we pray we open ourselves up, we become vulnerable, we ask for help, we put out there what we're trying to accomplish, and no surprise, we typically get it.  Prayers are answered and we hold up the girl that will become a woman that God is preparing for our boys.  We also hold up our boys for her...and we ask for guidance and direction for ourselves to help get them ready for that blessing and challenge marriage will present.  

You know, skills...
like important skills
with an axe...and 
other stuff.

Another important part of raising them ready is to help them develop skills and fill roles.  These do not have to necessarily be 100% traditional gender roles but a divide-and-conquer division of labor makes life work.  A person in our circle who lives on a ranch and has some of the most "manly" little boys that you could imagine just enrolled her kids in 4-H activities involving table setting and flower arranging...because, you know, she appreciated that her husband had a softer side.  Look for opportunities where you can learn/teach/grow the pieces of your future kids (and yourself) that are lacking.  

Speaking of that, it's important, perhaps imperative to have skills.  Not only Napoleon Dynamite's nunchuck skills and other cool stuff but those routine things that come in handy through life.  Things like how to fix a toilet, install a car seat, change a tire, or how to ditch the phone and be present.  We had a friend recently who "saved" several thousand dollars on his kitchen remodel because he could drive to the hardware store to pick out and pick up his own cabinets...then turned around and paid several thousand more to install them.  Take a minute and Google/Youtube "how to install a kitchen cabinet"...in about 10 minutes you realize you put them where you want, shim-to-level...then screw them into a stud.  Not sure about you, but my hourly rate dividing several thousand dollars into 10 minutes means I'm going to get busy on Google and pull out our power drill.  Equip your kids with the can-do attitude and broad foundational skills necessary to take matters into their own hands.    

Involve them early,
learn, and bond 
together.  Ready
them for life.

In many ways, this battle is analogous to sports...they won't win the championship in the bottom of the 9th on the 3-2 pitch in marriage.  They'll win or not, with their preparations here in the little leagues and training camps.  You can't "condition yourself" when you're on the bases, all of those prereqs have to have been completed far before...and that's why, far beyond baseball, we have to be intentional and proactive today for our kids.  The years of little habits, minor victories, and battling through failures add up and culminate in young people that are ready to embrace the challenges life will throw at them with humility, grace, and be successful.  The "soft" skills of communication, service, resiliency, responsibility and so many more are developed and honed in the countless micro-interactions throughout their upbringing.  This is how we help ensure we're raising a husband or wife that our future son or daughter-in-law will adore.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• What are three things you need to work on "today" for your kids tomorrow?
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• List out a plan for each of the three things you came up with above (e.g. if you said your kids need more "construction" skills, consider volunteering with Habitat for Humanity or build a tree house or shed).  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Basic Dude Stuff - https://youtu.be/WOd0uSSNSLs 

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