WII-FM - Tune In...

 WII-FM, Tune In...

Not sure if you've heard of the radio station that, at some level, plays in the background of all of our lives, the beat setting the tone for much of what we do. It's called WII on the FM dial...or, "What's In It For Me?" We often have that particular radio station playing in the background, acting as a filter that we evaluate inputs into our life with as a background beat. When we think about WII-FM, it's important to expand that thinking with your loved ones. This isn't a "be selfish" call to action, but rather an introspective look at the idea that this is occurring, being aware of it, and taking action.

Talking...or flying a broom is
a start.

Conveying to someone else what's in it for them is an important skill set that can take you far. I've had bosses and people in my life that will buy about any idea...if I can get them to think it is their idea in the first place...when they otherwise balk if it's someone else's idea. If you're a parent, you'll see this tendency in your two-year-old. Being able to "sell it" starts with tuning your antenna to ask yourself and then hear "what's in it for them" and then communicate that clearly. Part of identifying those pieces is practicing empathy or putting yourself in their shoes. In doing so, you can also begin to identify the gaps or reasons why they likely push back.

Christmas should have
the Grinch...or so we're
told.

In our two-year-old example, we'll get much further in convincing them they should take a nap if we can reason through why it'll benefit them...and address the FOMO (fear of missing out) worries of what grand adventures they'll miss while they're sleeping. With your boss at work, instead of "it'll be great for the bottom line" can get translated into "your unit will look wonderful if we do this since the bosses will recognize that we're really impacting the bottom line." This subtle difference helps us personalize the conversation...and we all appreciate the personalized note on a Christmas card over the generic "thank you" with the apathetic scrolled name on the inside.

Starting the ice biz...

Like anything else, we get better at this if we practice. Flipping the script so that you're asking "what's in it for them" and communicating that gets easier, more comfortable, and smoother as we work on it. Practicing with being conscious of yourself is a starting point, being aware of it gets the ball rolling. From there, you can start to ask yourself the "what's in it for them" question before you bring up an idea. After that, work on asking the question...and conveying it with your pitch for a particular item. Over time, this process becomes quicker and more automatic...before you know it you'll be that storied salesperson who "could sell ice to an Eskimo."

Spiderman learning from
the monkeys.

Don't misunderstand the intention of this post...it's not to create a master manipulating sociopath. Far from it, in the words of Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility" and you've got to learn to use your honed superpowers for good. This means that asking yourself WII-FM before vacuuming the floor before your spouse gets home isn't to get some special favor...it's because you love them deeply and know that helping around the house is a meaningful gift you can give. At work or volunteering, using WII-FM reasoning and communication can help your organization become a bigger, and better concept of itself because we're getting away from "who gets the credit" and it's been said, "It's amazing what can get done when we don't care who gets the credit." Personally, I'd rather get it done...even if it has to be someone else's idea...than get it shot full of holes and be declared "dead on arrival" before we even start moving.

Take some time to start asking yourself, from the perspective of your loved ones and others in your circle, "WII-FM." From there, continue to work on win-win solutions that help your team address the task at hand. In our family, we try to work with our children to have the empathy to "see it" from their side. Think about this concept in your life for a few days, very intentionally, and see if it makes you a better communicator, spouse, parent, employee, and so forth.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of issues you've been wrestling with and ask "what's in it for me?" from their perspective.  Write down three items that you'll do to take action from their perspective.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days regarding seeing the world through "their" eyes.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Start With Why - by Simon Sinek

Seasons and Moments of Sadness

 Seasons and Moments of Sadness

Sometimes getting a 
helmet helps.

Tough days come..."tough" people stay...tough days go.  The mantra for many facing addiction, alcoholism, depression, or suicidal thoughts is "not today, ____, not today" and take it one day at a time.  For many people, the quiet deaths of despair are becoming all too common in their circles or in their lives.  Having grown up in the military and first responder systems, this ugly reality smacks you in the gut.  Most everyone has heard of the 22-a-day veteran suicide rate, far more than recent combat deaths.  Studies indicate that most firefighters, police, and other first responders have thought about or considered suicide at some point in their lives and careers.  

In family and home life, hopefully, you're far removed from those darker situations but today I wanted to talk about the parts of life we don't particularly love talking about.  If you or someone around you is struggling with one of the life-shortening "deaths of despair" issues, get some or encourage them to get some professional help.  In the meantime, perhaps a few thoughts below may bring some peace.  Even if you're not in that particular category, chances are you've had (and statistically will have) seasons of life where stress, busyness, tiredness, etc. feel overwhelming.  Fortunately, there are perhaps a few thoughts below that may be helpful in those seasons as well.  

Bank up some of 
those good times.

The story of Jake Woods, a freelancing, rule-bending, bureaucratic-ignoring...hero who started what is now Team Rubicon is nothing short of impressive.  In the immediate aftermath of the earthquakes in Haiti, while most of the traditional non-government and government agencies dug out the red tape to wrap each other up, Jake and some of his compatriots smuggled themselves into the country to start providing aid.  Fast forward, Team Rubicon is a major national player on the disaster response front.  Perhaps more important than their actual work helping others is the mission that they've given to many veterans.  The search for purpose and meaning is a huge part of life.  For those blessed to have happy families, I'd speculate that you've found your meaning/mission as a foundation.  

Similar to seeking out a mission or purpose, if this mission or purpose is bigger than you, doubly so if it's helping others, it's hard to wallow in your own circumstances.  Whether you're helping out your immediate family, your neighbors, community, via your local church or favored non-profit, it's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you start helping others.  I don't want to paint this as a panacea or magic pill, but I know that when I start feeling sorry for myself for whatever plight, I know that when I put it in context or remember "I do this so that..." it changes the paradigm.  

Sometimes a full
bucket is good.

In the first responder space, we have what we call Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM) to help deal with the experiences that come with humanity's toughest times.  A friend and colleague who is an expert in this space described our stress as a 5-gallon bucket and we slowly fill it up with little drops or bigger cups full throughout life.  Most of us are able to dump out some of that with healthy strategies - one little drop or cup full at a time - time in nature, exercise, family time, whatever helps you.  At home, we often let the bucket fill up until it overtops and we have a crisis...or we resort to unhealthy coping methods - alcohol, pills, destructive behaviors.  I'd challenge you to (a) recognize when your bucket is filling up faster than it's emptying, and (b) have a set of go-to healthy dippers you can utilize.  

In disaster response, we see a lot of sadness and people in their most tragic moments.  These crisis situations can take the form of the very acute (death of a loved one) or more chronic (home and community destroyed).  In any of these situations, the reality is that you've got a new normal that you need to take ownership of through the transitions.  Another friend is fond of saying, "Out of every adversity are seeds of equal or greater opportunity."  The new normal can be good or bad, it really is what you make of it.  When you're coming into any transition (good or bad), go into it with some grace and flexibility coupled with some intentionality and vision.  

You can outlast
tough times.

The Bible and faith are huge pillars in getting through tough moments.  If you're a believer and church-going, double down in your sad moments (and your happy ones).  If you've not traditionally been part of that community, consider going...pick a church this weekend and go sit.  The Bible talks about seasons of life and "this too shall pass."  Your sadness falls into the "this too" bucket.  Look at stories in your circle and of historical figures - we are far more capable, more resilient, and more hearty than we believe we are.  Remembering that your sadness is a season and seeing what others have been through can help you understand you're more capable than you think.  

Perspective helps.

Understand that your moment of sadness is small.  I don't mean to minimize tragedy, but perhaps I do hope to "right size" it.  Think about your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents, and so forth.  Within a few generations, you've got dozens of people who came before you who survived and thrived...so that you could be here.  When you magnify your circumstances in the context of all those who have come before you, it provides some important perspective on your burdens.  

Lastly, as we depart this week...remember that people far less capable than you have shown remarkable resilience.  On a few recent trips, we traveled across where the

Life was harder...then.

American pioneers journeyed...and another where the ancient Natives literally carved generations of life out of the rocks at Mesa Verde.  When you think about what those folks were up against...every day was hard...a journey to survive.  Think about the "yester-you" in a covered wagon who once (if) they made it across the "flyover states" got to parts out west...and then had to build their own cabin...no Door Dash, Uber, or 5-star hotel room greeting them.  Again, not to minimize your troubles, but in the grand scheme of things, there are few things that could come up now that haven't been endured by someone else in our history.

All of this to say, hopefully in your moments or seasons of sadness, you take the time to inject healthy coping mechanisms, "right-size" your troubles, and lean in/seek out help from those around you.  This too shall pass...and you'll be stronger on the other side.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out/name three things you can do to reduce your accumulated stress bucket.  Now, select from that list, one that you're going to put on the calendar daily/weekly for the next month (walk around the park, watch a funny cat video, read the Bible, etc).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) how you'll support each other and recognize/cope through a situation or season together.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Jake Woods - New York Times Article

- It is Well With My Soul - Mormon Tabernacle Choir

- "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Winnie the Pooh

The Gift of Presence

The Gift of Presence

I hope you share
your comfort nest.

In our self-described distracted world, we often are hustling from one thing to the next, too busy and preoccupied to ever "just be."  In a world where we have more prosperity than perhaps any generation before (think clean running water, HVAC conditioned air, choices for food, and so forth for many of us), we squander our presence perhaps more than ever before.  In yesteryear, many more people were involved in busy agricultural or trade industries that often required long hours...but they still prioritized dinner around the table, church on Sunday mornings, and other "presence" type interactions.  Today, we often purposely choose to give our ability to be present (think distracting activities, cell phones, etc) away with a lot of consequences we don't notice until it's far too late.  

I hope you get
knocked out, too.

When we talk about presence (or anything else for that matter), it's important to look at what the enemies are to "the thing," in this case, being present.  I'd make three general arguments but challenge you to explore your life for what is actually getting in your way.  The first broad anti-present item in my mind is cell phones and their pervasive usage.  Never before have we had a dopamine-hitting personal assistant in our pockets.  Couple this with the addictive powers of social media and you've got a siren song calling in the quiet moments to pull you away from where you should be.  Go into any waiting room, or sadly, many kid activities, and look at how many parents are scrolling on their phones instead of leaning in...or just living in the downtime boredom that our souls were meant to need.  

Times have 
changed, maybe
not for the 
always for the
better. 

The second broad-brush enemy is our constant consumer culture and the associated pressures.  The trade-up culture and debt-laden lifestyles often require us to work "bigger and better" jobs, often away from our immediate community.  This comes with inherently longer commutes and often more mental focus spread over emails in the evening, cell phone leash tethers at all hours, and our heads often not where our feet reside.  Our inability to "have enough" often requires us to divide our presence and the pre-req of attention across things after hours that aren't our spouse and kids (or even extended family, friends, and neighbors).  

Lastly, the third big enemy would be our addiction to busyness.  For years, when asked "How are you," I'd reply with the well-rehearsed quip, "Busy, but good, you?"  As you go through marriage and child-rearing, life becomes increasingly busy.  We tend to say "yes" almost categorically to new activities without asking or answering critical questions as to why we're doing them or the "so that" end state we're getting closer to.  Whether it be guilt, peer pressure, or whatever else, the ability to say "no" strategically and perhaps as a default tends to hurt our ability to be present since our attention is increasingly divided.  

Have a picnic...with
a concert.

Now that we've unpacked the so-called enemies - let's look at a few solutions.  A co-worker talked about looking for the upsides in life and used COVID as an example.  He said the forced work-from-home helped him "fall in love with his family again."  Do we have ways that we can inject ourselves back into our homes and priorities throughout the week?  Lunch at the park with spouse and kids?  Take a leave day to get to a children's activity?  Choosing to do "kid things" this weekend instead of hanging out with your friends?  All of those little ways can help us "lean in" and be where we're supposed to be.  

Your system
may only need
to make sense 
to you.

Another couple of solutions that we've found are utilizing minimalism to help us not have so many distractions that compete for our time and energy.  This can be tangible like decluttering around the house, car, or office.  It can also be more subtle like striking things from the calendar or budget and getting good at saying "no."  As famed Navy SEAL Jocko Willink put it, "discipline is freedom."  In other words, by having discipline in the rules, systems, and habits, they free us up to be our best selves and live our best lives.  People often shy away from discipline or constraints, but in reality, they're the very things that organize us enough to get whatever else we want that is good in our lives.  

Live in the moment...
with a ba-zillion cranes
beside the highway.

The other "solution" we've leaned into in our home is spending time in nature.  Nature has a way of
forcing us to be present...in a good way.  It is much harder to "coast by" on autopilot, distractions dulling our senses when you're out in nature.  There is a practical side of this, that when you're hiking down a trail or skiing down a mountain, you have to pay inherently more attention to avoid peril.  There is also a fuzzier side of nature in this space that we tend to be a smaller self in nature as compared to the worlds we completely control - home, commute, office, etc.  This "smallness" somehow seems to help center, ground, and by default, make us pay more attention to the loved ones we're sharing the space with.  

Lean in.

It's been said that charismatic people are often lauded for their ability to "make you feel like you're the only person on earth" - do we give that gift to our spouse and loved ones?  Do we divide our attention when having a conversation?  Do we listen to understand?  Do we look them in the eye with undivided focus when they're talking to us?  We are often our own worst enemy in this space...which is great news...because we can form habits that make us get it right more often than we do right now.  

Be there when they hit,
or miss the bullseye.

Presence is powerful.  I'm not sure who told the anecdote first, but the idea of genuine happiness through a smile when your kid looks up from their activity and makes eye contact with you is categorically not the same as looking up and seeing your spouse's iPhone recording the moment for posterity.  The quip "Be where your feet are" is a good one.  Instead of putting your mind/heart/brain/soul into the scrolling screen in your palm, focus on keeping all of you centered right on the space and live in the moment you're physically occupying.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you'll do this week to be present (e.g. leave the cell phone in the kitchen instead of the dinner table or bedroom, make eye contact, etc)
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) about presence.  Call each other out on the times you are/aren't getting it right.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Gary Allan Right Where I Need to Be

- Lonestar Front Porch Looking In

- Alabama I'm in a Hurry

Navy SEALS or Green Berets?

Navy SEALS or Green Berets?

In life, there are doers...and there are force multipliers.  Let's unpack the difference and help you think about the potential impacts you can have in your home and community.  

Every Marine a 
Rifleman first!

In the military, there are both...and they're tailored to serve different, unique missions.  In the special operations community, multiple units can serve in the "direct action" capacity where they target enemies directly - Navy SEALs, Ranger Regiment, Green Berets.  Among the teams, the members almost categorically have the capabilities for direct action - close-quarters battle core competencies.  Beyond the "Every Marine a Rifleman" philosophy, many individuals also become specialists - US Air Force Combat Controllers (CCT) or Pararescuemen (PJs).  These teams and members attach to each other and serve in complementary capacities.  For example, the USAF might attach a CCT and a PJ to a squad of SEALs to take out a bad guy and be flown into the battle space by an Army Aviation Nightstalker crew.  

Organize
a Posse!

As a philosophy, some of the units are geared more one way or the other - direct action (Navy SEALs) or force multiplier (Green Beret).  For a very specific kill-or-capture mission with a known target and generally "short" duration, SEALs may be selected.  On the other hand, a Green Beret A-team may be tasked with "moving into" an area, recruiting, training, building capacity, organizing, and possibly fighting alongside a local group of native fighters.  Their group of 12 may lead 200 into battle.  Beyond the unit, a Combat Controller might be able to precisely call in the air power of dozens of warplanes on an enemy.  Different missions, different skill sets, different results.  

Come strapped
when you're
ready to
volunteer.

Having worked in and run a non-profit for many years, I often described the ideal volunteer not as a doer per se, but rather a leader of leaders who led the doers to do the thing.  As a staff member in a more-with-less non-profit or faith-based community, it's important to target recruitment and train skillsets for the mission you have at hand.  You need doers and you need force multipliers...and you need leaders who can manage and leverage both complementarily.  

Is your church a doer or a force multiplier?  Is your church going out and force-multiplying?  Spreading the gospel in a 1:10 ratio?  Are you/your parishioners witnessing to your circle?  How about the non-profit that you volunteer at?  Do they do good deeds in a 1:1 input-output ratio?  Or, are their good works exponential and contagious?  Like a 1:10 output.  Are they an efficient machine that brings in volunteers and resources, supersizes the good through effective, efficient management, and casts out more than came in?  Are you using your spiritual gifts of leadership to organize and host a fundraising dinner that brings in enough resources to provide for the needs of the rest of the volunteer team for the year?   At work, are you building the next generation of followers...or leaders who, in turn, are building their own teams?  

Build a legacy.

What about your family?  As you think about these questions, consider...are you more of a Navy SEAL or a Green Beret when it comes to how you complete your missions in life?  Are you a direct action dad where you do your life and have a kid/family who is along for the ride, or are you a dad who has the next generation(s) in mind?  Are you leaning in and pouring into those in your circle, leaving ripples and ramifications outsized to your contributions?  This might look like the personification of "teach a man to fish" as opposed to just "give your kid a fish" applied across all facets of family life.    

When you're serious about
leaning in - bring a helmet.

These organizational and familial questions hopefully get you thinking about good works...and great works.  You can make a difference on a small level or a major level...the amazing thing is that chances are, the difference is more organizational than anything else.  In other words, you'd be hard-pressed to see the "tactical" difference between a SEAL or a Green Beret in most head-to-head competitions beyond the language skills of the Green Beret.  The big difference comes largely in their organizational and strategic deployment.  Good news for you, by pushing the envelope and perhaps spending your 20 hours of volunteer time organizing and recruiting church groups for a community clean-up instead of just picking up trash yourself...your input pales compared to the community-level output.  

Fish as Alien...
as a Horseshoe 
Crab.

This "teach a man to fish" philosophy starts with a paradigm change in you and your family.  It begins with a bent toward seeking out win-win situations where you can leverage your time and talents into far greater things.  For example, in parenting, this might look like teaching your kid to read and instilling a deep curiosity-inspired love of learning that will last a lifetime...instead of just reading books to them.  Remember, both are far better than plugging them into a television screen and scrolling your time away.  In marriage, it could be leading a small group helping newly married couples get organized and work together, cultivating a bond with your spouse, while helping to prevent the common causes of divorce in your church (e.g. hosting Financial Peace University).  

When teaching
how to fish, try
not to catch a dog.

As you hopefully spend some time reflecting on "who you want to be when you grow up" with your kids, spouse, and self, think about the concept of doer vs multiplier.  Both are good...one is perhaps more gooder.  If you're uncomfortable at first with trying to organize this win-win thinking in your community, start small...and practice.  The important part is just to get started - passion is contagious and people want to help, you may be the spark that serves to spur the bigger group ahead.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of areas of life where you can pour the proverbial gas on the fire to multiply the outputs or gain outsized outputs.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in your home, church, work, etc in terms of thinking more strategically and getting after it in new, bigger ways.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Josh Kaufman in Personal MBA