Untimely Death

Untimely Death

When we talk about estate planning, I know there is a certain proclivity to "tune out" or "turn off" for a variety of reasons - downer of a topic, don't want to bring on or contemplate our own mortality, or other reasons.  That said...as they say...death and taxes...none of us get out of this life alive.  Morbid or not...that's reality.  That said, what do we do to avoid the untimely death(s) out there.  

Remember, this whole estate planning thing is likely one of the only "100% surety" plans you're going to actually execute...hopefully, not for a long time...but the time will come.  In the meantime, remember that estate planning, like many other plans, is a series of meaningful conversations with those around you - how you feel about them, your wishes, your dreams for them, and such.  Leave the dramatic opening and reading of a will from the mysterious uncle to the Soap Operas.  For you, tell those around you what matters most to you now...and after you're gone...tell them today.  

We've talked about the Zig Ziglar Wheel of Life in other posts, and I'd recommend that you consider it for your "estate" planning needs.  In other words, typically the idea of planning for your untimely demise (or that of a loved one) is relegated to the financial pie sector only and we believe that is shortsighted.  We'll unpack a few items in each of the below sectors to hopefully get you thinking more broadly about the idea of when you're not around.  Keep in mind, that much of this is not for you, but rather those who are close to you in this life who are left behind.  Don't miss that...when you're gone...they're not and if you love and care for them (like you say you do), take a minute to put your stuff in order.  

Whether it be the widow-maker-heart-attack, the driver who runs the red light, the convenience store robbery gone wrong, too many birthdays, or the shellfish that goes down the wrong pipe...for too many of us, we end up running out of tomorrows somewhere along the way before we're "ready."  To that end, it's important to lead a life that you can look back on with pride and enjoyment both through the windshield and in the rearview mirror.  I want you to hear that again...live today, so that...if you're gone tomorrow there are no regrets.  Taking some time to evaluate if you and your family are where you want to be is an important reminder, like Charles Dickens's Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, that it's up to you to be where you want to be.  We'll unpack how you may be able to make that work through Zig's Wheel.

Before we dive in, remember the first among equals here...family.  Your employer will have a "new you" in a month or two.  Your social circle will refill like when you pull your hand out of a bucket of water and the void closes.  The ones who will mourn you and you'll leave some scars deeply embedded are those in your family.  With that said, read below...and plan accordingly.  Set those most important to you up for success.  

Family: Love on them.  Do the things that your kids want to do.  Hug your wife.  Make the calls that should be made.  

Finances: There are plenty of resources and advice out there regarding the practical steps necessary to make this phase as uncomplicated as possible - in short...get good, term-life insurance and have the basic legal paperwork signed and shared.  

Physical: From a very practical standpoint, what do you want to be done with your physical self (burial, cremation, launched into space, composted, pushed out to sea on a firey pyre), you get the idea.  Again, this is in part about you, but also about the healing and closure process for those you're leaving behind.  Talk about your wishes, write them down while you're of sound mind and body, while there's no emotion of a tragedy.  In another way to construe "physical," you should go through and mark off the items that you want to go to someone specific and put that information in your will.  Chances are, no one wants the second-generation build-it-yourself furniture, but it might be a different story about Grandpa's musket or Grandma's Bible.  This proactive naming of a beneficiary...and communication can help avoid a major squabble that divides your family in a time of mourning.  

Social: Your social circle(s) are important parts of life.  The tribe around you and their average is largely who you likely become.  Don't leave some of those things unsaid to your friends.  I've lost a couple of friends/mentor folks that I didn't say what I should have before they were gone and I regret it.  Nothing I can do about it but hopefully learn and have the intestinal fortitude to say the things before the next time.  From a more practical perspective, your social media sites need to have a plan when you're gone.  Who is going to shut them off?  Or maintain them?  What are the passwords?  You get the idea, we hold those things deeply personal...until they're not really yours anymore.  

Personal Development/Intellectual: I've been an on-again, off-again creator over the years who is a pretty magnificent starter...not a stellar finisher.  Over that time, I've built up quite a stockpile of intellectual property-type things that I don't want to vanish with me.  In a "Letter of Intentions & Wishes," I've tried to fairly carefully put together some instructions on where to send links to some file folders.  They may go unopened and that may be it, but at least the message in the bottle will go out among the waves.  

Health: You can, in large part, hedge your bets for a long and healthy life through...drumroll, please...diet and exercise habits.  That doesn't mean you can stave off the inevitable with your kale smoothies, but don't be surprised if you shuffle off this mortal coil prematurely if you spend large percentages of your time and money in a drive-thru line.  Stay up on your health concerns (annual check-ups, dental cleanings, prescription meds, etc.).  Again, it's not just about you...it's about your being able to get down and wrestle a grandkid or go to a princess tea party thirty years from now.   

Spiritual: One of the channels I follow talks about the idea of "spiritual fitness" since we don't know when our last day comes to pass.  No matter the cause, being right with whatever is next is an important piece of life.  For our family, we take faith in our belief in Jesus and the next step is heaven down the road.  I've had atheist friends who have had great angst in the idea that they don't have "a next place" and it's been sad to watch one of them who passed and left his children with a perverse wondering of where they were if there wasn't a heaven.   

Career: There is a whole professional field devoted to the Continuity of Operations (COOP) for businesses and governments.  Depending on your work situation, especially in our modern cloud-sharing/telework world, it's important to have a plan for some of your projects and files.  This one sounds (and is) trivial compared to those above, but I'll tell you from the experience of filling in for friends who passed while working that some of your work legacy is wrapped up in the ability of those after you to be able to access, understand, and continue what you started.  I know I'm pretty bad at setting up files properly if I vanished overnight (mostly from bad habit, and probably a smidge of OCD tossed in), so this serves as a reminder to all of us that we should take a minute to visualize how to make post-you life easier on your work compatriots.  

As we depart this, find a document to help move you through the actions to become prepared.  Some of those practical "big rocks" homework items are listed below: 

     - Letters to Loved Ones (tell them what you want them to hear)...heck, just do that every day 

     - Last Will & Testament (use this to appoint a guardian for your minor children...among other things)

     - Life Insurance (Term is the right answer for most people)

     - Power of Attorney (financial and medical)

     - Trust, etc (keep in mind, many employers offer a legal benefit and you may be able to get some cost-effective "advanced" legal services in this realm).  

If you're convinced (or not) to take some next steps, I'd highly recommend the movement and book by Chanel Reynolds What Matters Most who dives deeply into this whole topic and space with her heart-wrenching story and plea for you to do it differently.  Another practical next steps guide is from Abby Schneiderman's In Case You Get Hit By A Bus.  Both of these books give you a great sense of some next steps and walk you through a more detailed set of steps and to-do items to get done.  

As the legendary Garth Brooks said way back in 1989, "If Tomorrow Never Comes," the most important thing likely is if your family knew how much you loved them.  Part of loving them is the whole idea of being present in the moment before your last day.  It's also doing the practical work that we talk about above to make sure that your family's grief is their biggest hurdle...not trying to grieve through foreclosure on top of you being gone.  

Before we depart here, I have no illusions that I've convinced you to get up, stop reading, and go do something to make this better.  To that end, I wanted to address a few reasons I've heard that folks don't get prepared.  

"It won't happen to me, I'm ______" - not so much, I've been around crisis management on the front lines and seen too many times when the young and the healthy meet their end right along with the old or less than healthy.  Death comes as an equal opportunity hitter, it doesn't particularly care about your age, race, social status, to-do list, economic potential, family ties, or anything else like your plans, hopes, or dreams.  Getting past this normalcy bias and getting your stuff together is a critical component for all of us.  

"I don't need_____(life insurance, a will, etc)" - 

"It's too expensive" - 

"It's too complex" - 

"I don't understand it" - 

"If I talk about it, it'll happen" - 

At the end of the day, we hopefully have convinced you that going through some of the practical steps above is a lasting and meaningful gift to those left in your wake.  Hopefully, that thought has convinced you to take action and check a few things off the board.  So, no matter what comes next (hopefully 90 more years of healthy and happy living), or where you believe you'll go when the "blood stops going round and round in your body", we'll leave you with a bit of a light-hearted look at some immediate next steps.  

Go - Stand In The Arena - or, as it were the library, accountant, or lawyer's office...or at least the keyboard for a bit...to build the peace of mind that your family deserves.  Once much of the work we talked about here is done, go do life more fully knowing that way down there below you is a bit of a strong, but out-of-sight safety net that empowers you to live a more full life.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three items that you and your family are going to do this week...one of which will be calling your insurance provider and ensuring you've got adequate term life insurance up to date.  Pick two more.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of how you're living life so that if, tragically one of you isn't living...the rest are as prepared as possible.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Chanel Reynolds - Get Your Shit Together

Will the real John Doe, please stand up?

Will the real John Doe, please stand up?

Seasons change...so 
do you.

We are not the same people we were once upon a time.  That's natural.  Think about who you were in high school, college, newly married, newly employed, newly parental, or whatever other emerging season/role.  You get the idea.  Much like a bird who molts or a snake who sheds its skin to reinvent itself throughout its life, in a way, a more subtle way, so do you.  Similarly, so are those around you - your spouse, children, parents, and employers - different over time.  I'm not the same guy who used to run marathons, jump out of airplanes, or go into burning buildings.  While I certainly miss those days from time to time, the "who I am today" is because of who I was then.  For better (more grounded, more adventurous, more well-versed in many topics) and for worse (a little more sore, more tired, more cynical), who we were/are helps inform and shape who we become.  

Or just dive in.

Some of this can vary on the micro timescale, month-to-month, or even day-to-day with our moods and activities.  Similar to weather and climate, the changes that we should probably focus on are more to do with the longer-term seasons of life (perhaps something like the next 3-5 years or so) than day-to-day.  That said, the day-to-day activities, habits, systems, and activities we engage in on a daily basis begin to shape our next self.  As such, you should engage in new activities and habits with careful contemplation before diving in blindly down a path that doesn't lead where you say you want to go.  

Volunteering
sometimes needs
a shovel.

As an example of a "shaping" activity that you may partake in to transition from a free-wheeling single young adult to an employed, married, parent, you might engage in an internship, volunteer at a daycare, or nanny for a relative in the summers.  On a more tactical, finite example, going into remodeling a house, we volunteered with Habitat for Humanity to develop some know-how we were missing while giving back to the community in a meaningful way.  

As you think about "the real you" (yesterday/today/tomorrow) as well as your real spouse/children/etc. in your circle, it's important to plot the current state and the desired end state.  From there, it becomes practical to start taking actions that are in the general line of effort between those two points.  As you look at "who you are" with some introspective questions, you may recognize that the "who you say you are" is different from the actual "who you are."  To get to the true foundation, you may need to check in with your circle.  For example, I may say "I'm a great father," but in talking with my wife and children, I may have some significant work to do in that realm of the arena.  This 360-degree evaluation gives you more "ground truth" to build a new foundation on for action.  

You might need a 
bigger fork.

We'd recommend you start with the idea of "how to eat an elephant" and break down the introspection of who you are from the perspective of the Zig Ziglar wheel segments of life.  Using the different parts of your life as a rubric, you can chart the "now" vs "next" and take action.  Also, by using the sectors in concert, you can keep a balance and harmony across life for a well-rounded journey of growth.  If we work on building one segment of our life without consideration for the others, it's the proverbial equivalent of skipping leg day.  As you grow in your component parts and the aggregate whole, you can continue to adjust to make sure you're not the "super CEO" on his third wife with estranged kids.  

We change...that's 
a good thing.

Getting to the real you, based on your roles, as we mentioned above, is a cyclical "point-in-time"snapshot.  At one point, I "was" a firefighter.  Today, "the real me" is not a firefighter.  I've taken some of the lessons learned, tangible skills, and so forth from those years of experience and I can apply them to today, but I've changed.  Those firefighting years have made me a more competent professional and better-equipped homeowner.  They've also helped me become a better, more patient teacher as a parent.  In less great ways, they're some of the seeds of cynicism and world-worn that I carry with me as well in the form of psyche scars and aches/pains.  

You might even 
change on a boat...

All of this to say, you're in the driver's seat with your hand on the steering wheel and your foot on the throttle.  The choices on who you are becoming are up to you...for better or worse.  Along the way, it's important to take stock on who you say you are/are becoming and who you actually are/becoming.  Having those two personas synced up is critical to a healthy, balanced self.  Be your authentic self...both in word and deed.  Point your thoughts, actions, habits, hobbies, and lifestyles in the direction of the self you desire to become.  The world and your circle needs the real you...not the pretend one.  Your circle also needs you to stand up, in the arena, and be in the game.  Go do that!

Our changes are, in 
large part due to those
who came before...

Note: we hope that you are like a Michelangelo statute where you're constantly polishing the marble until it is something remarkable.  If you look back at your last month, year, decade, lifetime...and you're exactly the same, especially if you're not stoked about it...you're not winning.  We've got people in our circle who have been couch potato video gamers for years on end...that's not the goal.  Choose greatness!

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out one of the Zig wheel segments of life and jot down a few "who I am" and a few "who I desire to be" sentences.  If they don't match, write out three action items to move them closer together.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of building your now self in the direction of the desired next steps self.  Help your kids talk through what this means as they're coming up on the next season of life. 

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- "When you're not rooted in your authentic self, you believe what someone tells you. You'll fall for it." Tabitha Brown

- Being Yourself - A Psychologists Guide

Stop Shrinking the Ladder

Stop Shrinking the Ladder

Christmas on a FL beach
is a good start to 
good works.

God made us in His image.  He made and intended us to do great and wonderful things.  We were called for more than just wallowing away life moving from one screen to the next.  We are called like Nehhemiah (6:1-3) to stand on our ladder and say "I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down."  When we chose to become spouses and parents, we took an oath and made a commitment to not shirk or shrink in our capabilities and duties...but often we do.  Too often we find ourselves in a society surrounded by those who are constantly shrinking the ladder when it doesn't have to be shrunk.  

Getting a ladder
starts early.

A few recent highlights in our circle and headlines around the country sadly illustrate the point.  In a recent work conversation, a co-worker said, "I get paid at a C- level, so I'll do C- work..." and he was surprised when his supervisor rated him as such.  Quiet quitting has run rampant with people who strive, strive to do the bare minimum required.  That habit is cross-cutting, we see it at work and often hear about it from people at home as spouses and parents...choosing to shrink the ladder...shying away from doing what they are capable of doing, and therefore becoming through intentional action.  

My wife is a teacher and a recent article, I think out of Baltimore touted an innercity school's GPA middle ground was a .13.  You read that right, .13 as a GPA...to put you in the top half of the class.  Another article from Portland, OR was proud of the fact that there are effectively no academic graduation requirements to get out of high school.  This other article talked about how the Army recruiting class is "too fat to fight."  Read these three (or unfortunately many others like them) and you see that gone are the JFK days of "Ask not what your country can do for you...but what you can do for your country."  

You might have to
make your own 
stairs sometimes.

I happen to be writing this in the hallway outside of our monthly 4-H meeting and overhearing comments like, "That would've been a good lesson," or "Let's take the stairs, that's a healthier option."  Our small but mighty 4-H crowd's only pre-req requirement is that you care enough to show up.  The families who come to the group, most don't come from means, per se.  We're generally a working-class sort of folks and any of the group could probably come up with excuses, reasons to "shrink" the proverbial ladder...but we don't and they don't...and because of it, our community is a little stronger for it.  

We choose to homeschool for a variety of reasons, some of which is due to the fact that our children can rise to their potential far better than they could in the "teach to the lowest common denominator" necessity of public education.  We've pushed our kids hard...and they're doing amazing.  We've also played hard...our kids have been to hundreds of national park sites, museums, zoos, and general adventures around the country.  This isn't a brag moment, although I'm very thankful and proud of where we've gotten to in life and the choices we continue to make.  It is to say that by choosing excellence in a few categories...then sacrificing to fulfill those intentions...you too can do it.  

Fish or horseshoe
crab face mask...

We view ourselves as little fish in a little pond, content when our kid can tie their shoes a little before little Jane or little Johnny.  In reality, the competition for excellence now and in our children's future is not in a little pond but in the global economy...a very big pond and we owe it to our kids to help them be ready for that stage.  We're doing no favors when we change the measuring stick or shorten the 100-meter dash to 90 meters so that our time sounds a little better.  Instead, we need to fall back to our heartier roots, where we cast off the fear of failure and put in the sweat/frustration equity it takes to get good at something.  

You can, and should personally push back on this fallacy.  G. Michael Hopf talked

Or fly to rescue
yourself.

about this “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.”  We're in an era where we as men, women, and families are becoming weaker, more spoiled through constant comfort...and the world doesn't care when it applies the test.  What is the test, you ask?  When you lose a job, have an illness in the family, have a person who untimely passes, or deal with infertility - life's tests require us to rise to the occasion, not look for a bailout.  We do a disservice to our children when we constantly swoop in to rescue them when the going gets tough - helicopter parents.  We really, really cut them off at the knees when we remove all adversity and smooth out any bumps on their road - snowplow parents.  

Trees are for 
climbing...

Much like a strong oak tree only becomes so through toil, droughts, wind, and storms, adversity builds us into who we are and how we "make it" when the going gets tough.  Adversity strengthens us.  It shapes and reveals our character.  It is a good thing...especially in the development of our youth...and we're not doing a very good job en masse of letting our kids struggle mightily...so that, someday they can struggle effectively with mighty things.

From a practical perspective, I don't want to leave this post with "grumpy old man vibes" and we try to abide by the rule "if you bring a problem, bring some solutions."  To that end, how do you deal with proactively pushing your kids to the point of

A little moulage
helping dad 
with some 
training.

injecting failure as a learning moment?  Emotionally, in the moment, it hurts to see them sad, their little spirits bruised.  (Tough love time) - that's why you're their parent, not their friend.  Buck up...a skinned knee is far better than wrapping the first car around a telephone pole.  Look for opportunities to safely "get hurt."  This could mean emotionally, spiritually, financially...even physically.  When those hurts come in small, managed doses, we build a sort of inoculation to the bigger failures and hurts.  We learn that failure isn't final, or fatal.  We learn that we can get up, brush ourselves off, and carry forward.  In essence, we learn and develop our own resilience.  

Additionally, it could, and probably should mean that you're "picking up the slack" elsewhere.  For example, a family friend with daughters a few years ahead sort of did a 4-H and Girl Scout set of things with the club...and a 4-H and Girl Scout set of things at home.  The first was more about going through the motions to play the game.  The organization didn't care that her daughter had been practicing, failing and rising, for years and is a remarkable cook and cake decorator.  At home, she was building grand designs for competitions and running a mini-small business on the side of her 6th-grade English lessons.  At the club, she was "dumbed down" with the "average" kids her age, re-learning the rudimentary skills she'd dialed in years before.  

All games add up
to matter over 
time.  

At first, this "playing the game for the game's sake" struck me as a pretty inefficient use of time among other negatives.  In further conversation, I had an "aha" moment when it was translated into adulting...do we ever have "those" projects at work where we're spinning our wheels, feel talked down to by a supervisor, and so forth.  Maybe her parents weren't the dumb ones in preparing her for what was ahead.  Don't miss it though...most of the parents in the club were fine with their kids performing way below what they were capable of...because it had been normalized.  Instead of double doing it, they excused away their involvement and their kids are becoming increasingly less capable than their invested peers.  

All of this to say...few of us would likely answer a multiple choice test in any facet of our life with the answer "I want to be mediocre at best" but we end up falling to the level of the pack and coasting comfortably.  Hopefully, this post serves as a call to action for you to dig deep...since the "unexamined life is not worth living" according to Socrates...and define who you want you and yours to become.  Look for opportunities to build the practice muscles of excellence.  Do reading lessons at home with your kids, stay after t-ball and practice another half hour, scaffold the difficult situations until it can be safely managed, and celebrate and reward excellence.  If we want ourselves, our families, our community, our states, and our nation to be excellent, at some point we have to be the change we want to see in the world...and that means taking an active role...come join us in the arena and do the thing.  

Choose greatness...today!

(Side note: I don't want to put out there that you/your kid should be smarter than Einstein, faster than Usain Bolt, better at football than Brady, etc.  I am saying, we're far more capable than we let on and with proper preparation, we can all do greater things.  Look for your strengths, tend to your weaknesses, and be a person who can leave this life you get better than you found it.  Go do something great...but don't feel like you've got to be the perfectionist who only does great things...that takes us right back to the fear of failure and paralysis before we get started.  Give the gift of failure).  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three specific items that you're going to strive for greatness in to implement this week.  Commit to small actions and build upon them.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) with being great.  At home, at work, at church, at other parts of life...commit to a couple as a family.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Greatness is a Choice book

- “Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives - choice, not chance, determines your destiny.” Aristotle

Fake it Until You Make It

Fake it Until You Make It

You got this...

Paralysis of action is a real thing.  I don't know how many times I've taken for granted the upbringing in agriculture and fire service where in-action was inexcusable.  Even the wrong answer done vigorously usually got us across the finish line.  Too often in life, I've assigned tasks and followed up the protests with a, "Nah, you've got this, you're a rock star."  Likely, in many cases, this has gotten folks to rise up to the challenge and...fake it until they make it.  What I've done for years personally has gotten projected on others...in large part with success that they didn't think was possible at first consideration.  

Just start...

If we sit around and make excuses, looking for every reason something couldn't be done, we'll still be sitting there undone at the end of the day.  Small actions and universal next steps can help you get started, and in many cases is more than half the battle.  I have a friend who is fond of saying, "If you don't do it this year...you'll only be one year older when you do."  Starting, even when you feel unprepared, then running hard and trying to look confident along the way is likely sufficient to pass 90% of those around you who never get started.  

Practice starts
early.

Steven Wright said it well, “Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.”  In the fire service, there were plenty of "firsts" that were unpleasant and prepared me in case it ever happened again (falling through a floor, nearly getting squished by a boat, and others).  That attitude or lifestyle translated into helping us get a pretty solid deal on our home...then learn how to rebuild it as we were moving in - we had to fake it...and we made it.  Ken Fisher in The Ten Roads to Riches, "Do the right things, you feel better.  Do the wrong things, you feel worse.  Your actions determine how your feelings trend."  In other words, clearly state what your end state (e.g. more happiness), then act that way, and over time, you'll be more of what you "think about" and practice doing.  

In the home, when you're not feeling particularly loving during a season, use loving words and do loving actions until your heart/mind/body/soul catches back up.  Our modern world is full of "planned obsolescence" and we're used to casting out the old, replacing it with the shiny in almost every facet of our lives.  Don't like the old car...run downtown; the toaster getting worn down...Amazon on the phone;  boss getting you down...find a new one.  We're losing our first-line propensity to shore up what we have and embrace things we invest our time, energy, and resources into.  There can be something said for life upgrading/optimizing and I'm not telling you to stick around in a super terrible job....for the sake of sticking it out.  That said, what we do repeatedly often becomes habitual...and habits often don't stay compartmentalized.  

Use the wind to 
make a parasail

In other words, what happens to our marriage, parenthood, religion, etc when we constantly practice tossing the baby out with the proverbial bath water at the first hint of a headwind?  When (not if...because you will), go through tough seasons with the important things in life, have you built your "stick-to-it" muscles up enough to get through them?  Have you practiced hanging in when it's an uphill climb with, at best, a murky mountaintop allegedly somewhere at the top of the climb?  I'm here to tell you that willpower will get you part of the way, but having other tools in your toolbox is huge.  

Fake-it-till-you-make-it requires a few precursors...enough baseline knowledge to stay safe, enough feedback along the way to not get "practice doing the wrong thing/training scars," and a commitment in your circle that failure is NOT fatal.  Done wrong, a culture and attitude of fake-it-till-you-make-it without the culture in place leads to an "eat our young" ugliness when something goes wrong...and in this fast and loose environment, things go wrong...and, as a leader, you need to be okay with that.  

As an example at home, a few years ago, I had a tough season where I'd lost a couple of friends to unexpected medical issues, had a new toddler at home, with another on the way, a wife who was working, teaching nights online at a college, and a foray back into a previous life deployed on a major hurricane in a major leadership role for a month...while we were house shopping for a fixer upper.  To say we'd squeezed the margin out of life was an understatement.  To say I was a patient, loving, available, sweet husband in that season...would be a drastic overstatement.  

If you deploy, bring one
of your kid's cows.

The siren song of "deployment" (loosely defined here for context as any high-adrenaline sprint with big hours, potential risk, etc) is a sexy mistress.  For many in the military, first responder circles, disaster management, and I'm sure other professions, we toil along in our "blue sky" existences with all the mundane routineness that implies.  Along comes this "gray sky' environment where we're often separated from "normal life" by time and space.  You're in a position to saddle up the white horse, ride in as a knight in shining armor, experience the esprit-de-corps of shared bonding experience, and solve problems.  The urgency of these situations provides a certain addictive allure and coupled with the fact that many bureaucratic handcuffs/excuses often fall away combines to be an environment many personalities gravitate toward.  

You can always climb
over a wall...

The problem with this comes when that environment also builds walls with our home team and loved ones..."you weren't there, you wouldn't get it."  This becomes doubly dangerous when we, as married people, gravitate toward others of the opposite sex "who were there, who do get it."  Ever wonder why there's such a high divorce rate in the military, firefighting, law enforcement, disaster response work, etc?  I'd guess that's got something to do with it.   Last week I was a hero slaying dragons, this week I'm back to the guy who changes the diapers and forgets to take out the trash.  

If you ride at sunset, 
bring a posse.

Anyhow, long story short, in that season, I wasn't feeling like the person my wife had married, the person who had committed to her...for better or for worse.  That puts a crossroads up, no matter how subtle a temptation it is in the background...stay the course/double down on commitments...or ride off into the sunset.  For most of us, I'd hope the choice is an obvious one...burn the boats, bind yourself to Odysseuss's mast, and do what it takes.  For too many these days, statistics show that we toss out our marriage and our parental blessings/responsibilities much like we would the out-of-vogue toaster or last season's fashionable sweater.  

In those moments, those transitional, tempting moments where you're just not feeling it...fake-it-till-you-make-it.  Hold his/her hand, set aside time to just be together, and inject appointments onto your calendar (to take a walk, have dinner, do those chores he/she appreciates around the house, etc).  In saying the words, and doing the deeds repeatedly over time, the feelings and fleeting emotions tend to come back.  We paint these pictures of the happily-ever-after-prince/princess fantasy life of marriage and real life.  If you've been "adulting" for more than a minute, you know that's a far cry from the reality out there.  Have, build, and practice using tools to get through the tough times.  Get good at fake-it-till-you-make-it in all facets of your life, because at the speed of life that we operate, paralysis is not a good thing...life will pass you by.  

Keep going...even
when the seasons
change!

All of this to say, you're far more capable than you likely believe you are...you're likely getting in your own way with your own excuses.  Embracing (and practicing to build the) fake-it-till-you-make-it muscles in your life is important because you never know when you'll need to pull those skills you've guilt out of the proverbial closet and put them to good use in a season of your life.  Having your first baby, taking a job a little above your head, moving to a new location, or going through a tough season?  Fake it till you make it. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out an area that you've been stuck to move forward on.  Now pick out three "fake it" actions that you are going to get done this month toward that big goal.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in order to make a big move.  Think about the minimum viable prerequisites to get started...go do that.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Better Up - Fake it, til you make it

- Simon Sinek - a good perspective

Zig's Wheel (Part 2)

Zig's Wheel - Part 2

If you measure well...you
might just win a Grand Prix.

In the first segment of Ziglar's Wheel, we unpacked the model with the idea that we all have roles we subscribe to, whether intentionally or otherwise.  We looked at a few models that allowed us to get a sense of what our own model should perhaps look like based on the roles that we have in our own lives.  In this follow-on segment, we'll talk a bit about creating the rubrics, goal posts, score sheet, etc, and how to "systematize" it so it doesn't necessarily become the latest fly-by of the "good idea fairy" in your home, but rather a meaningful way to make progress.  It's long been said, "What is measured, is managed" and by assigning some metrics to our goals and objectives we begin getting closer to who we say we want to become while leading our family where we've stated we want to end up.  

We talk in the first responder disciplines about a span of control, with our ability as humans to successfully manage 3 to 7 "things" (tasks, subordinates, etc), with an optimum being 5 "things."  This range accounts for the fact that in a high-speed, dynamic, complex environment, we need to focus our attention more and likely end up more toward the "3" end than the "7."  Vice versa is also true - when we have a largely stable environment marked by static, we tend to be able to keep our eyes on more things.  Ask yourself which environment your family life looks more or less like - I'd guess probably dynamic and complex based on our many roles, moods, and life activities.

From: https://www.youngmoney.co
/p/fck-money-9acf 

If you look at Zig's Wheel - we've got more than 5 things going on.  This means we can have seasons where we lean into certain components of our lives for "sprint seasons."  When we look at some of our "most successful" people as measured by net worth we can see that the top 10 most wealthy individuals have had a combined 13 divorces.  Chances are, their "Zig wheel" is highly inflated on the time/investment they've put into the work "segment."  

You have to make constant decisions to keep your wheel on balance throughout your life.  Our balance comes from the sum of our individual decision-making moments when we choose how and where to invest our time (and other resources).  In the "we are what we eat" mode, this means that generally, we get out what we put into the system.  In other words, if we do the things that skinny people do, we'll be skinny (substitute skinny with any adjective you're after).  

Some things are better
desired end stats than
others...choose wisely.

As you're looking at your wheel, you need to define the desired end state.  If you want to be super successful on a particular part of your wheel, do the things that get you (and yours) there, with an upfront understanding of the required opportunity costs.  On a personal example, my (or rather, our) decision to dial back from the high-travel, high-speed, (potential) path to vice president-level positions at the national non-profit where I worked came with the balanced benefits we were seeking with our early kid-raising years.  In other words, we traded some potential upside/downside for other potential upsides/downside and now/next in an effort to end up in a more balanced perspective.  

Wheels and balance
go together, especially
when learning.

I'm not trying to say that we made the right decision for you...we did for us.  When you look at your personal wheel (the only wheel that matters), you have to cover the basics (make the minimum payments, so to speak) on all the segments of the wheel.  In other words, you've got to have enough of a job/finance wheel segment to cover your needs, but beyond a certain point (in any segment), you hit enough, and eventually a point of diminishing returns.  Our world requires people with super out-of-balance wheels (e.g. company CEOs, star athletes, etc).  For most of us mere mortals, balance is hopefully more of the goal.  We likely have seasons of life that we all go through where we lean into or out of particular segments...but we should strive to keep the segments roughly equal.  

When we look at balance, keep in mind that we have to stay actively engaged across the spectrum.  If we know we're coming into an upcoming busy season, take time to hyper-inflate other segments.  As a personal example, we were heading into a highly lucrative financial freelance season where I'd be more engaged away from the family.  In preparation (and after), we tried to "bank up" some capital in the parenting and marriage buckets through some intentional quality time and travel.  We also tried to smooth out the runway a bit on the way out of the season with more travel as a bit of a "count down to landing" during the busy season.  

All of this is to say that it's important to seek (read proactively create) balance toward your stated end desires and be honest with those desired end states to those around you.  It's not fair to a spouse or child to sign up, then shift gears and "run away" from those commitments.  Be intentional about defining the segments of your wheel, set goals, and take action to keep them balanced.  Check-in regularly with yourself and your loved ones on how well you're doing at keeping the chambers of your wheel properly inflated for the smoothest ride possible.   

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a role that you're feeling not in balance with and commit to three actions that you'll make happen (or habits) in the coming month.  Talk with your family and co-workers on how they'll support you to be successful.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in your roles around the house.  Have your spouse/kids pick out a couple of sustain or changes that will make sense ahead.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Gary Allen Right Where I Need to Be

- Zig Self Assessment 

Zig's Wheel (Part 1)

Zig's Wheel - Part 1

Some wheels help
you become a box
turtle.

We, as humans, are complex beings (no duh, you're saying, and rightfully so).  Our complex selves,
when we get married and have children multiply that complexity.  As we try to make sense of ourselves, our interactions, and our totalities, it can be important to seek first to understand in the words of Steven Covey.  One way that many smart folks have suggested looking at these complexities is through our roles.  Towards the front of this journey in time was motivational speaker Zig Ziglar's and his Wheel of Life, where he proposed the various buckets (career, financial, spiritual, physical, intellectual, family, and social).  That may be a great starting point for you, or perhaps the more customized to your specific roles (husband, wife, father, mother, employer, employee, etc) as advocated by Covey and others.  

For today, we'll unpack a few paradigms of Ziglar's Wheel of Life of how we see it.  If you Google search the topic, you typically end up with a clean, segmented pie graph of sorts.  

Others have the take that you can grade yourself on a scale of, say 1-10 in each dimension, and we'll dive into that in another post, with another set of tools we've created.  In that example, you can get the sense that if you've got a few areas that are a "10", and a couple areas that are a "2," you end with a pretty bumpy ride on your misshapen wheel using the metaphor of the wheel as a balanced life to go down the road on.  You can see how if you graded, then plotted out and shaded in your various circles, it'd be surprising if they made a nicely shaped wheel based on our interests, seasons of life, investments, etc.  

Side note: (We took the liberty of adding in health to sort of round out more even, or at least easier to draw, pieces of pie).  Part of our push at Stand in the Arena is the idea that you build your systems, your wheels, your definitions.  For example, you may look at finance and define "a 10" (see below) as keeping up with the Jones, buried to your neck in debt but "looking rich" because society, through advertising, tells us that's the right answer.  You may also look at that same pie sector and define the same "10" as the exact opposite - living a frugal life where you spend very little, but have a great safety security net despite your hoopty car.  We'd encourage you to build your own pie, with your own roles, your own definitions of success, and your own grading scale rubric to make it the most meaningful to you and your family.   

For example, through college, I was a pretty serious and competitive runner.  My physical "score" would have been a near 10, and I was pretty focused on personal development (10 again).  At the same time, I was probably closer to a 2 on social, perhaps a 5 on family, and a 3 on spiritual.  The point is, that we almost always live out of balance.  We can also run "out of balance" for some time, for a sprint, or a season but not long term without some heavy wear and tear. 

Some wheels make mom cringe at the 
ingenuity before you even get started.

Without constant course correction and intentional, introspective "grading" on a fairly routine basis (monthly, quarterly, annually on your birthday, etc), we can slowly slip out of alignment and end up causing considerable friction for us and those around us.  As the old Indian proverb goes about the young boy asking his grandfather which wolf (the good one or the evil one) would win in a fight, the sage grandfather tells him, "Whichever one you feed."  In a similar fashion, we can inflate/deflate various sectors with intentional work.  At points in our lives, we've sprinted for some time to achieve a particular goal, get through a particular degree program or whatnot.  At other points in life, we've been on cruise control in certain sectors.  As long as you're intentionally doing it, that's okay.  

Some roles involve 
reading to dogs.

If you picture life as a low-altitude flight through the mountains, it paints a picture of the reality of the risk involved.  The flight can be spectacular as you take in the sweeping vistas, experience the adrenaline in your stomach, and generally enjoy your day...if you're actually flying between the peaks and valleys.  Take your hands off the yoke (airplane speak for steering wheel) to go make yourself a sandwich and you end up as a splattered omelet in a pretty place.  The same goes for life, if you take for granted, or neglect a particular sector of life, it's not long before you lose your efficiency and ultimately head for a crash and burn.  

We've generally subscribed to the scaled wheel model above, but in researching a bit for this post, an idea hit me that the clean segmentation of the pieces of pie above are probably a bit far from the reality of most of our lives.  

More likely, your actual pie looks more like a series of interconnected, overlapping, and competitive
circles.  Our time, unlike our money, is finite and therefore a "zero-sum game" where you end up robbing Peter to pay Paul, where, through our calendar, we can only "create" more time by investing it more intentionally, not actually warp it unless you have a Delorian in the garage.  In this example, some of the circles, just like the pie pieces, demand more attention for a season.  Some become islands off by themselves, unconnected to the others.  Others become misshapen egg forms that are getting compressed between different circles.  And, some are on fire due to an emergency (e.g. heart attack) and necessitate attention RIGHT NOW.  

Our last model starts to look like the old rocks, golf balls, pebbles, sand, and coffee skit, where we end up with a series of miniature circles interconnected to form the overall big circles, or Big Rocks (First Things according to Covey).  If you picture how messy real life is, you begin to get a sense of what your life might look like modeled out.  Various fires, various little circles in big circles, the occasionally spilled circles.  If we modeled this across the dimension of time, it can begin to look like juggling a 3D chess board while it is coated in lighter fluid.  

But...it doesn't have to be.  We'll continue to unpack some of the tools that we use (and have translated) from the frontlines of various disasters to helpfully help your family find some peace and serenity along the way.  

As we sort of wrap it up here in Part 1 of Zig's Wheel, we want you to think about the Arena you're building that you're committing to stand within.  We hope that the Ziglar Wheel model can serve as a bit of a guide to help you organize your thoughts, that we'll lead toward words, take those into actions, morph them into habits, and ultimately you'll end up living a much more intentional and likely fulfilling life through the process. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out one role each day for a week and discuss with your family where you are at in that role right now and where you want to be.  Then pick out one action item in each role to commit to for a month.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in each role.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Zig's Wheel - https://www.ziglar.com/articles/the-wheel-of-life/ 

- Made for More Coaching - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w99LZ50vaUc

  

Protector Parent - physical harm...and its benefits...

Protector Parent - physical harm...and its benefits...

Starting fires...

We're called to be protectors and providers for our children and families.  We've talked about how that looks in several previous articles.  In some of the previous conversations, we've talked about protecting their mental health and perhaps more soft items in our more soft world.  That said, there is always a risk, albeit low, that our family will be confronted with a physical threat or situation.  Additionally, in our modern world, so many of us have stripped out physical harm, not just from the "bad-guy" but all physical harm to our children.  

We often fall into the trap of believing to be a "protector parent" and that "safe from physical harm" is the ultimate goal.  Certainly, it's part of it...channel your inner Rambo or Mama Bear to keep kids safe from the boogeyman...it's a thing, and an important one.  I'd argue that it might not be, and probably shouldn't be the only thing.  

...Cliff jumping...

I'll also argue, some physical harm is good.  Don't freak out and call social services here...any harm that rises to the level of a hint of abuse should - we should throw those people under the jail.  I'm talking about the increasing mindset that a skinned knee should be avoided at all costs in "modern parenting."  We were out at one of the playgrounds with a friend and their little boy the other day and the mom literally walked around like a human scaffold ensuring her pre-schooler couldn't possibly fall down.  This was on the super-engineered foam rubber matting, mind you.  

Ropes...and...

Kids, more accurately humans, learn through failure.  Our propensity toward helicopter/snowplow parenting where we so completely smooth the road before our children does them no long-term favors.  The skinned knee on the playground helps them, much like a river through a canyon over time, build their balance, coordination, confidence, boundaries, etc.  Avoiding the proverbial skinned knee throughout their time at home with us creates kid-dults that end up with an inability to function in adult life.  When I hit one of the struggle-adulting moments with a cantankerous co-worker, micro-manager boss, sick kid, more month than money, whatever it happens to be...I can trace my ability to work through it and come out resilient on the other side back to smaller-level failures growing up.  

Helmets are 
sometimes
required...

I remember being absolutely devastated as a "meritocracy" mindset sort of guy when, in college, a "no-brainer" position in an organization should've gone to our team but went to another.  Years later, talking to the decision maker, he hadn't thought anything of it more than balancing talent across fall and spring semesters...oh, mind-blown moment.  My utter brick wall was just a business decision balance for him at the time.  Fast forward now to a decision I had to implement from our nonprofit national headquarters of closing offices across the state...those learned moments once upon a time served me well to try to bring some level of peace, honor, comfort, and empathy to a tough situation.  

As we look at our parenting responsibilities, I believe one of ours is not to shield them from the bumps and bruises along the way.  We treat our kids "summer knees and legs" as badges of honor, an earned testament to their rough and tumble interactions with the playground, hiking paths, bike jumps, and assorted other learning that takes place outside.  Just the other night, our youngest ran his bike into the stop sign at the end of the road, bouncing off and skinning up an elbow.  Should, we as parents, say "no more bikes, ever" because of the chance that you might get a little road rash or help him get dusted off, back on the bike, and ingrain resiliency?  

Dogs are always
good adventure 
companions.

Again, to close, I'm far from advocating any threat-based physical harm from the bully or anyone in the circle.  I will advocate for the low-consequence harms (physical and otherwise) that build the mental fortitude to get through life as a content adult down the road.  We seek a balance in this space - we don't allow our kids to ride bikes off the Grand Canyon or down the interstate.  Nor do we allow them to ride on bikes without helmets or lacking brakes.  Hopefully, you all get the salient points here and will consider giving your kids a little more rein and latitude to skin some knees and learn some life lessons.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of ways that your family, especially your children, can do some things that are risky...in a safe way.  Go do them this month.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of injury-prone activities - hiking, mountain biking, and such where you can "skin a knee" without long-term trouble.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” Cole Schafer

- Art of Manliness - The Risks of Not Letting Your Kids do Risky Things - https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/family/risk-not-letting-kids-risky-things/