No to Get to Yes

No to Get to Yes

Sometimes our statues are in 
sand...

For many of us, we're not overcome by the negative but more likely by too much of the positive.  Cliches abound, but at the end of the day, too much of a good thing is still too much.  If you think of our ideal life in the metaphor of an ancient arrowhead, we can hopefully harvest some insights.  When an archer would start with a hunk of rock it was far from an aerodynamic tool.  Same with David's Michaelangelo, your calendar (and by extension your life) starts as a hunk of rock and we must remove the "good" parts to get to the best parts.  At first, we have to whack away the big chunks, but as we get closer and closer to the ideal, we have to start removing the finer chunks, often the sandpaper-level polishing to make our arrowhead, statue, or best life shine.  

Sometimes something
a little more sturdy...

As with anything worthwhile in life, getting good at saying "no" to the good things is an acquired skill that likely doesn't come easily but is necessary.  We have to practice at saying "no" to one more little league sport or extracurricular, one more project at work, one more volunteer opportunity...we have to for the sake and sanity of our present and future family.  Sometimes, saying "no" to be able to say "yes" to the most important things, or Covey's "first things" is the essential step.  Raising balanced, well-adjusted children into Godly, competent adults is the end zone for many of our parenting journeys.  That journey is, or should be paved with a lot of "no" answers so that you can focus your scarce resources (time, energy, focus, money, etc) onto the truly "yes" efforts.  

A few tips to help you move forward with this: 

• Practice saying "no" to routine things until you get out of the habit of the "automatic yes" response.
• Work on your "yes, and" as well as "no, but" language.  "Yes I can help, and I will only be available for 1 hour per month."  "No, I can't join the board on this, but have you talked to so and so?"  
• Identify what "has to be true to say yes" to something in each facet of life.  For example, to say yes to a new extracurricular, it has to fill a gap we're strategically missing...AND not impact A, B, or C on the calendar.  
• Fill the calendar with "yes" things so that you have to physically move them to say "yes" to something else.  For many of us, our calendar is a vacuum and a new thing floats through and it's easy to say "yes".  It's harder to say "yes" if you have to move the appointment on your calendar that says, "family game night" or "reading time with kids" or whatever else.   

We've talked about the Zig's Wheel in a few posts here on this site.  Often, saying "yes" to that project at work is subconsciously saying "no" to something else, likely at home.  As we've talked about, it is essential to get good at saying "no" and "quitting" things in different categories when we get too overinflated or overinvested in one category of life in order to maintain or create a balance in our life.  As Ken Fisher in The Ten Roads to Riches puts it, "Founders are quitters."  "Quit everything else.  Once you quit, it gets quiet."  From there, you can have the perspective to figure out what's next.  If you're so busy as a family racing from one good (or bad) thing to the next that you can't breathe, let alone think and plan, it's important to hit the pause button.  

Getting good at good goodbyes is a skill we have to adopt...we are dynamic people living dynamic lives

And sometimes...something more permanent.

and sometimes cleaning houses metaphorically, calendar-wise, and physically can make good sense.  As you come up on your next temporal landmark (New Year, birthday, anniversary, retirement, job change), take a minute to really reflect on what brings value.  Recently we had a person in our circle lose their home in a disaster and, like the Minimalists, only replaced what they "needed" instead of what they had.  In this physical sense, it became clear that they didn't need the third, fourth, or fifth TV they'd had pre-disaster that had just accumulated through trade-ups and good deals.  They didn't need the 100-shirt wardrobe that had been put together one shirt at a time.  

And...sometimes you just have to pick up 
your own saw and do work.

In your own life, take stock and measure carefully.  For us, a few years ago we were feeling the pressure of a lot of roles (volunteer, employee, consultant, etc) that weren't in line with and directly competing against our chosen roles (husband/wife, parent, provider).  Instead of evaluating our situation at the time in a "no to get to yes" fashion, we looked at it with a "baby-out-with-the-bath-water" moment and made a major change.  Through the major change, we pruned off a lot of the clutter that had quietly accumulated on our calendars.  Had we approached the whole situation with a series of awkward conversations (not needing an excuse, being unapologetically a family man), we might've pruned off items and kept some of the good parts of the status quo.  

In your life and ours, often times we just have to hop off of the treadmill that we engineered.  This could be the "hedonic treadmill" of constant consumerism and upgrading our "stuff."  It could be the treadmill of racing from one activity to another activity with kids.  Chances are, your treadmill is one that you climbed on, adjusted, and continue to choose to run (or walk) on each day.  You don't have to dive off the schedule/treadmill in dramatic fashion...you could just adjust the incline and the speed, or update the playlist.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three things that you need to say "no" to or say "goodbye" to in your life.
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Set a date and write down your exit plan to leave whatever you picked above.  
• Commit to saying "no, but" three times in the next three months to things that come up.
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Jillian Johnsrud on Resetting

- The Minimalists