Do it Scared...Part II

                                                 Do It Scared...Part II

Practice 
makes perfect.

Continuing on our journey from last week on being scared...but saddling up anyway.  Fear has a way of making us both our worst...and best selves.  When you think about the times where you're most (or least) proud of yourself in your past...chances are it involves when you overcame or gave in to fear.  I know there have been moments in my life that I overcame my initial instincts...or gave into them and look back fondly (or with shame) on those moments.  When we have the opportunity to look back, we can hopefully learn and implement those lessons later in our lives.  

Acclimation
is key.

Having worked in disaster response for many years, there can be a contagious nature to fear.  We've seen herd-style stampede-type behavior.  We've also seen leaders get past their fears and inject themselves, like a nuclear control rod, into the situation to bring calm that settles the whole thing down.  As you think about the fearful points in your (and your family's) life ahead, try to pre-script your responses (instead of reactions) to how you'll overcome those moments instead of giving in to them.  For example, I worry (or am fearful) about our kids starting to drive.  To overcome that, or get in front of it, we're working on bicycles, talking about driving safely, giving examples of peer pressure (don't let your friends talk you into jumping the car), and implementing safety rules (seatbelts every time).  

Find a role model.

Another thing about fear is that we can get in front if it...based on our backgrounds.  With firefighting (or other stressful, inherently fearful things), we can build experience that effectively negates or minimizes fear reactions.  Through training, exercise, and scenario-driven practice (e.g., role playing), we can help you build your toolkit that can help tamp down the fear when it arrives.  At home, we can help get there by cultivating multi-generational relationships, particularly with those in your community who are a little ahead of you in life.  For example, by doing life with peers who have junior high kids when yours are in elementary, you can learn from their mistakes, wins, and lessons.  When your kids get to those seasons of life, there is less unknown...and consequently...less fear.  

Just start.

One of the fears that many of us toy with is the fear of perfection.  If we wait until we get to perfection, chances are, we'll have missed the boat.  It's often said that "perfection is the enemy of good enough."  Newsflash, you'll never be the "perfect" parent, spouse, employee/er, or anything else.  If we let the fear of being perfect stagnate or paralyze us, we'll miss the season of life where it's applicable.  Say you've got pre-schoolers...and you're torn on the best of advice how to perfectly build their reading skills.  Chances are...just grab a book, grab a kid...read will work far better than trying to optimize every minute detail.  

Keep at it.

Mark Twain said, "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened."  Most of our worries or fears are never realized.  When was the last time the stock market went to zero?  How about the ice age?  Meteor shower?  Invasion by aliens?  In less dramatic fashion, when was the last time you went bankrupt?  Divorced?  Cancer?  Kidnapping?  We're surrounded by stories of those things via social and traditional media so our risk perception tells us that those are right around the corner.  By weaning ourselves out of that constant soaking in negativity...our fear reduces.  

And rappel 
from your 
bunk bed.

Another thing we've lost in our fear-soaked life today is the ability or the willingness to leave the screens behind and get outdoors.  We have friends who go "camping" often in their mega-RV and spend the weekend sitting by the lake watching the big screen while scrolling on their iPads and cell phones.  Nature has a way of healing us and connecting us with things bigger than ourselves...it helps right-size and put in perspective our fears.  Even that, though, gets co-opted with fear-inducing headlines of grizzly bear attacks, giardia outbreaks, and horror stories of killers in the woods.  When we search for fear...we find it.  When we start looking for the positive, sun-shiny parts of life, we find those too.  

As we wrap up this week, keep in mind that fear is out there...we get that.  We also get that you can reduce it, right-size it, and respond to it.  Or, you can let it cripple you and convince you that you must do or not do things that you're called to do.  Next week, we'll wrap up with some of the "what to do" in the face of fear.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of the fears that have stopped you...what small action can you do...this week...to help make that fear smaller.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of understanding and overcoming your fears.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Fight Your Fears

Do It Scared...Part I

Do It Scared...Part I

We can scaffold
our scary...

Do it scared.  When we talk about scared, the definition is "thrown into or being in a state of fear, fright, or panic."  For most of us, in modern first world situations, there's not much that falls into the "physical" component of scared as compared to past generations - scared of war, measles, getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger, or whatever else.  That said, we're a more scared and flighty people than maybe any generation before.  Headlines scream about how many folks suffer from anxiety and depression in our modern world.  The boogeyman that we're "scared" of is a much more made-up version than perhaps ever before.  

...until it's
not so scary.

 With parenting and family, there are so many things that we can feel scared by, most of them exist in the space between our ears more than the world around us - the uncertainty, stress, a war on the other side of the world, or many other "non-tangible" things.  For many of us, we grew up with "get back by the time the street lights come on," but now we raise our kids while hovering too close in our proverbial helicopters.  The chances of your kid being nabbed by the plethora of pedophiles and serial killers in the house next door are exceedingly small...granted, never zero...but exceedingly small.  

When we get
more comfortable,

We can tackle some of those things with knowledge...we're far from the first generation to raise kids...we can learn from others.  When you think about your great-grandparents who lived through WWI, WWII, the Great Depression, the Dust Bowl, Spanish Flu, and so many more strategic-level "disasters," we can hopefully find some peace.  For the generations before that era, our ancestors lived without many of the creature comforts we take for granted...including indoor plumbing and electricity.  Learning from their resilience and the "stiff upper lip" that got them through the fearful moments can help us get through our low or dark, scary parts of life.  

we become
less scared.

The bombardment of a constant news cycle likely helps keep us "scared" since "if it bleeds, it leads," and good news doesn't sell.  To that end, shut off the screens.  When we get away from the algorithm that tells us that we should be scared of our own shadows, life gets better.  We're led to believe that there is some version of a boogeyman behind every tree, and in nervously searching for it, we often forget that life is, in general, pretty darn good.  Instead of watching the trees, go to the park and have a picnic with your loved ones.  

We can improve
over time.

The initial reaction to fear is avoidance (feels safe from the discomfort and danger).  The problem is, "giving up" or "giving in" is highly reinforcing from a psychological standpoint (Recognition Primed Decision Making - RPDM).  We can inadvertently tip the sled down the hill when we don't "do it scared."  You can use fearful things to inoculate yourself like a booster shot.  Again, at the fire department, it was full of the traditionally fearful things (heights, tight spaces, people in crisis...and the occasional snake or spider).  By injecting yourself into your particular boogeyman's space a little at a time, you got to where you knew and understood your perceived limits...then pressed them out over time.  You might have been scared at the top of the ladder still...but you were up there doing the thing...and that's a win.  

No matter what your scary is...
you can overcome it.

Researchers and journalists who have interviewed Medal of Honor recipients talk about how they were brave, perhaps just a few minutes longer than their peers.  All of their peers were there at the battle...those that rose above were just a little braver, a little longer.  At the fire department, I had a close friend who was petrified of heights and another of claustrophobia.  Over time, working with them through the academy process, we saw them make progress until they were able to do the thing...may not have enjoyed it...but do the thing nonetheless.  When we got into real-world situations where "the thing" was needed, the guys could rise to the occasion.  

We'll wrap up this week with the idea that fear..."he is a liar" as Zach Williams sang so poignantly, and next week tie in with some more thoughts on the topic.  Hopefully, you're getting the sense that fear...whatever color, size, shape, that is your particular monster, you can likely get past it.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple things that have historically been worrisome for you...think about why and list out three things that you're going to challenge yourself with when it comes to being scared.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) to help you each move past whatever is fearful.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Fear, Is a Liar with Zach Williams 

- Quit Looking for the Easy Way Out - Dave Ramsey

- Keep Your Daydream It's All Risky

The C-words of Goals

The C-Words of Goals

As we continue our series on goal setting, we can continue to help you dive deeper into what "good goals" look like and how we talk about them in our homes.  We'll add on a few vocabulary words as concepts or principles to make your goal setting and achieving more effective, efficient, and standardized.  As you work on making new goals...or making your old goals better, hopefully, you can find a few takeaways to help you live out your best lives.  Hopefully, the thoughts below can help tease out some principles you and your family can think about as you work to make your life more intentional...and consequently meaningful.  Think about the following sentences in the context of you and your family.

Commitments...by yourself and from others. "You'll practice 2 minutes per day, every day.  From us, it's a safe space to try, you'll need up and we'll still adore you... And we'll help you practice."

Consistency...you'll show up...again and again...and you'll practice properly...same form every time, same routine.  (Practicing either the wrong thing or the right thing the wrong way leaves training scars).

Connections...this is connected to a bigger desired end state of being able to juggle all the moving parts in relation to each other.  

Consequences..."If I miss a practice day, I'll do double days for 3 days." Set meaningful consequences to keep you or get you back on the proverbial treadmill.  

Celebrations..." We will go see a circus if we ___ get ___ done by ___ " - make meaningful milestones to stop and celebrate.

Curbs...left and right limits help us with guardrails that keep our goal progress on track.  "I won't say yes to any new volunteer opportunities until we get to the ___ milestone." 

Canyons and Known speedbumps or road blocks...what will be the hardest part for you? Try to pick out what will trip you up...and make a plan before you get there.

Calendar milestones...check progress for course correction.  Where should you be at the 30, 60, 90, and 180 day marks?  Are you on track?

Components...break down your big SMART goals into smaller parts.  Instead of the "teach kids how to catch a ball," break it down to a system of scheduling 30 minutes every night for a month to practice.  Celebrate by going to a baseball game.  

Check-ins...track progress and process pieces.  How - graph, chat, checklist, checkbook reconcile, scale measurements, etc.  Take time to do some measurements before you get too far down the road. 

Cancel...Mechanism for the off-ramp... evaluation points for cutting and failing forward.  What are the conditions that tell you it's time to cut your losses?

Cost, currency, cutbacks... like Jericho, size it up before construction. What is the currency...hours, dollars? How many? Is it worth it? What trade-off or opportunity cost is required/ that you're willing to give?

Closest unit to current selves... one x/day more real and doable than 500/ by New Year's.  We overestimate what we can do in a day/week/month and underestimate what we can do in a year/decade/lifetime.  

Category...which Zig Wheel and how does it interact with the others?  Great CEO...is it at the cost of your marriage?

Communication...do you need to message this to others for understanding and buy-in?  Are your spouse and kids on the same page?

Contagious or catching...companions...can you loop others in?  Will bringing in accountability or other team members help?  

Calving...will this goal have potential for offspring, good and bad, intended and otherwise?  Will your hobby grow into a small business?  Do you want it to?  Happy accident?

Colorful enough to be inspirational...incorporate your "why" into the goal itself.  "Cut expenses" is less empowering for sacrifice than "reduce expenses by $xx, so that we can do YY by this date."  

Conditions...what has to be true to say yes?  "Our small business has to be making $xx per month for us to consider stepping away from the full-time job."  

Consume, contribute, create cycle - goals should help you grow.  At first, we only consume something, then hopefully we contribute to the conversation, and finally are creators.  In other words, the crawl-walk-run cycle should be an integral part of your goal-setting journey.  Hopefully, you get to where you stop consuming and start creating in whatever circles you invest in.

The last... cherish each 4-year-old snuggle, one will be your last.  Not morbid, at some point, it just gets weird if you wrap up your 20-year-old for bed.  The "last" of each thing happens. Even football players coming out of retirement... we each want one more last.  Don't stop
cherishing them along the way...not just the firsts (e.g., first steps, words, etc).  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of the principles above and write out how you'll implement them in your goal system.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in changing your system.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Goal Verbs - look at other goal words to make your goals more meaningful.  

The Language of Goals

The Language of Goals

Summer 
sledding.

Just like most everything else in life, there is a particular language that goes along with being successful.  When you think about an industry or profession, there is a common, shared set of language (jargon, slang, inside jokes, etc) that go along with making the team a team.  Similarly, when we start talking about goals, we end up with shared language that helps get everyone on the proverbial same sheet of music, so to speak.  When we're starting out with goals and actions toward more intentional life, it's important that we socialize and agree upon the foundational vernacular we'll be using so that we have a shared, common understanding of who, what, and how we're going to build our goals...and achieve them.  To get started, here are a few that can help you begin to get joint language and concepts: 

On the outside of a bridge.

Mission, Vision, Values - these are often touted as the "big three" in studies of organizational leadership.  They're charting the course for where the team will be going.  They can be loosely equated to the "what we do," the "why we do it," and the "how we go about getting it done."  These are loftier and above the tasks or tactics level...but should inspire the actions that will make up those tasks, timelines, and tactics.  

Medieval 
fest.

ICS Priorities - The Incident Command System (how we fight disasters) outlines four high-level priorities: life safety, incident stabilization, property conservation, and societal restoration.  This ordering allows responders to focus on the first things first and keep a balance/assign resources.  At home, we should have a similar set of priorities that guide our system.  This could look like "we prioritize dinner around the dinner table" as a clear statement instead of cruise control, where the schedule eats up our unstated priorities.  

Swing high.

Objectives, strategies, tactics - this is perhaps the next level down in the proverbial pyramid where we begin to set concrete objective statements that will help us carry out actions necessary to achieve our desired mission.  The objectives are written "SMART"ly, and then our strategies are a set of big-bucket alternatives that may get us to the finish line.  This is then further fleshed out when we select a strategy by writing tactics that will be specific actions necessary to "do the thing."  

Take the dog.

Task, Purpose, End State - this set of words can help us communicate the selected strategies and tactics to the "worker bees."  When we talk about this, it's equating and drawing the picture of how an individual's work to the greater efforts.  For our families, this helps us connect the small daily habits of today to the grandiose outcomes you desire years from now.  

Stop and search.

Timelines, Tools, and Task (and Checkbooks/Calendar Appointments) - when we break down the big rocks into even smaller rocks, it takes the form of calendars, budgets, to-do lists, and so forth.  When we do the first things (above) first, then our smaller level items can nest with trajectory toward the big things.  In other words, if we know that we want to spend quality time with our family...that translates into not filling every moment with things like travel sports.  Similarly, we don't "buy" some of the ethereal items (an adventurous family)...we spend the money at the task level (saying yes to the canoe on the Facebook Marketplace).  

Ask the beaver.

Management Action Points (MAPs) and Triggerpoints - along the way, we can set up triggers or mileposts that remind us to stop and have a conversation or make a decision.  This could be the good things like anniversaries or Christmas traditions, or the bad things, like layoffs, sickness, and so forth.  Without proactive and intentional consideration, we likely will be overcome with the stress and chaos of a situation that can, unfortunately, derail and erase our progress.  

Learn to fish.

Branches and Sequels - this concept is looking out ahead to the known (or anticipated) changes in life.  With seasons, we can assume that some seasons will start/end, and we should have a sequel plan.  For example, we should hopefully think about early elementary...while we're in toddler years, so we're more intentional.  We can use the idea of branch planning (picture a tree trunk), where there is a shift away from the main plan - job change, moving across country, etc.  

Courses of Action - too often in planning, we artificially put in constraints that aren't really there - "I could never leave this job because there are no other jobs."  When we force ourselves to craft alternate scenarios or courses of action, we can get out of short-sightedness and make a decision in the moment that better aligns with our priorities and objectives.  

Watch the
Thunderbirds

Pitfalls and risk assessment/mitigations - bad things will happen...and, in large part, are fairly predictable.  When we look around the proverbial corner, we can hopefully identify the current actions to change our course.  For example, the convenience of the screen "babysitter" when the kids are little...left unchecked...we'll raise screen addicted adolescents.  The idea is to identify trouble as far on the horizon as possible.  

Climb a tree
to see farther.

Progress review and course correction - along the way, we need to check in.  The idea of 1% or 1 degree off course having crazy results when done over a long distance is very true.  We have to check in with ourselves and our loved ones periodically that we're on the right track...and change if necessary.  This can be connected to temporal landmarks - birthday, new year, etc.  

Celebrations - slogging along with your head down can get you a ways...you can likely (and your family) can keep the pace much longer when you build celebrations along the way.  They don't have to be expensive, just intentional and meaningful.  This can take the shape of a family movie night, staycation, vacation, new family toy, etc.  

Or just for fun.

Systems - to wrap it up, hopefully you've gotten the idea that "systems are better than goals."  Goals are great - they point the direction we should be heading.  But...without the systemized actions, the proverbial train of life will run us over if we're just sitting on the tracks.  We can use habits to add meat to the skeleton of our system.  Let the "things" you do help fill the wind in your sails to get you where your goal-storming pointed you and your family.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of items above that resonate with you and talk through it with your family.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of goals or systems.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Stephen Covey - 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

- Family Planning Schedule

Musings on Goals

Musings on Goals

Written Goals - In many parts of life, our goals may not be clearly defined or written down. 

The desert is good for refection.

For most of those parts of life, we're making a mistake.  Sure, the goal of getting to work on time may be more of a habit than a "big goal," but by writing them down, we gain stickiness.  In writing them down, we also find the opportunity to refine or shape them to be more meaningful to our situation.  Through the writing, we can use one of the monikers like SMART - specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely (substitute your own criteria from the many out there) to enhance our goals.  Also, through the writing, we internalize and can create more shared buy-in by posting them in prominent places.  As it's been said, "hazy goals make hazy results" - the writing of them helps take the haziness out.  

Writing...even in
sand counts.

Speaking it into existence...whether that's putting pen to paper and posting in a prominent place...or casting it out to those in your circle... your odds of success go up.  When you have a team around you that can share in your action, momentum, and progress, you build accountability partners.  For some goals, like say the "maintain, don't gain" challenge for weight around Christmas, the crowdsourcing of motivation and competition can serve everyone well.  For others, like say paying off your mortgage earlier, the group around you may be an online Dave Ramsey-type support group, a financially focused small group at church, or simply your spouse and a financial advisor.  

Celebrations can be timeless.

Celebration is a key piece of goals.  It's hard to get excited when we don't know where the finish line or goal post is.  It's even harder to get excited if that goal post moves randomly around the field without our knowledge.  When we set out with a goal, we should define what success looks like at the end of our sprint (or marathon) challenge...and the "so what" of how we're going to celebrate.  For example, we may have a goal of paying off all of our debts...and then go to Nashville to do the public "Debt Free Scream" with Dave Ramsey.  We should try to align our goal completion celebration(s) with our overall goals.  In other words, don't celebrate hitting a diet target by eating a bucket of ice cream.  The celebration doesn't need to be extravagant or expensive...just meaningful to you and your family.  

We get better...
when we work.

Practice towards progress towards perfection.  In other words, we shouldn't expect to be good or necessarily even competent when we start out.  Therefore, on both the goals, the habit, and the celebrations, we should work our way up as we go with baby steps.  As we're figuring out meaningful celebrations, practice with small ones.  For example, if we, as a family, can get our schoolwork caught up and the house cleaned, we'll go to the zoo on Saturday.  As far as actions go, say we're paying off debt, before we downsize the house, trade our car for a bike, and dumpster dive food...perhaps we work our way up with small "no" moments like saying "yes" to eating at home on Friday night instead of going out.  By practicing the little steps and little wins, we can better understand the bigger rocks and actions necessary to make meaningful progress.  

Each step is one
closer.

Momentum matters.  As we piggyback off of the small wins, keep in mind the saying "don't despise these small beginnings" has been paraphrased and repeated from Zechariah 4:10.  When we make meaningful, sometimes almost imperceptible gains in the right direction, our momentum builds.  As the momentum builds, it allows us to "clear" obstacles that pop up, threatening to derail our progress.  The more small actions and wins we rack up, the larger our momentum until we've effectively created a tsunami that can run over even the largest obstacles.  Take infidelity as an example, if you've chalked up the small wins over and over through the years and decades, you're nowhere near the edge...and consequently, when life gets rocky and an "out" appears with the opposite sex...you're not tempted.  If, instead, you allow the momentum to work backwards, constantly tempted and playing into the flirtation, not filling your spouse's love tank...chances are when it gets rocky, you go for the eject handles.  

Having a system...even dad 
pulling counts.

Systems over "goals."  It seems this saying has popped up over the past few years.  While I don't disagree with it...I would say it's not "over" but perhaps more accurately "goals through systems."  To say it differently, you should have a goal that sets the conditions for success, it tells us when we've won and what winning looks like.  That, however, is often not enough to make it happen.  We need to build the systems around us that can help orient and direct our actions meaningfully toward the goal itself.  For example, within budgeting, it's easy to say, "We want to be debt-free."  The system looks like making a budget to spend within our means, saying "no" to things that don't bring us value or joy, getting our big rocks (housing, transportation, food) in order, and checking in transparently with our spouse on the actions and results.  The system by itself is pretty hollow.  The goals by themselves make a pretty motivational poster for an office.    

Keeping the main thing
the main thing is 
critical.

Task and Purpose - goals on their lofty pedestals aren't enough.  Our systems ultimately get made up of tasks with a defined purpose for meaningful action.  In our disaster incident action plans (IAPs), the sort of playbook or sheet of music we use to get everyone's rowing in the right direction together, many teams use the "task, purpose, end state" language to clarify the needed work to be done...while unifying everyone's individual contributions to the overall endzone.  If you think of your "end state" or goal as the seat of your stool or the body of your car, the purposeful tasks become the legs or wheels.  By tying the work and result together, we can help everyone be more motivated through understanding how they fit into the bigger picture.  Similarly, by tying every task to a purpose, we can help ensure that we reduce the "busy work" that tends to come with a bureaucracy, whether it's at home or in another part of your life.  

At the end of the day...
it's on your shoulders.

Own the field - an Incident Commander and long-time "mentor" type uses this mantra as a rallying cry for the team.  Similarly, with your goals, you've got to own them for long-term sustainability.  While "arranged marriage" type goal adoption of goals can work, doing something big (e.g., my dad wants me to go to law school) for someone else's approval or ownership is likely a bad idea.  Without the internalization of the goal and finish line for you and your family, you'll likely spin your wheels in the mud, failing to find traction and wasting resources (time, energy, effort, attention, money, etc.).  With most goals, once you're a married, family team, the royal "we" needs to take up the ownership of the goals.  If one of you is bailing out water while the other is filling the boat with a bucket...it's counterproductive and frustrating to say the least of paralyzing to your progress.  

Own it...whatever
it is for you.

As we wrap up this week's post, it's important to remember that goals can be a powerful tool.  They help us organize, orient, and commit our actions and resources effectively and efficiently.  When we set out on a new goal journey, we can build on our past lessons learned and progress.  By using the "best practices" that resonate with you from above, chances are, your goal progress will improve fairly rapidly.  As you and your family reflect on "who you want to be when you grow up," consider setting out goals for the different Zig Buckets of your life for each person in your family.  By defining the what and why, our brains and ultimately our systems can help us figure out the how, who, when, and where to get us closer to our desired end states...and ultimately help us live our best lives.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of areas of your life and set a good goal within them.  Or, consider three goals you've had for a while and if one of the best practices from above will get you unstuck.  Discuss it with your family...and get a little progress...this week.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of getting more intentional toward your "end state" that you've called for your family.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- SMART Goals