It is what you make of it

It Is What You Make of It

A pretty stellar parade...in
a friend's basement.

Most things are what you make of them.  The old adage that the "grass is greener where you water it" often holds true.  I've had a few friends recently who, after being dissatisfied with work, made major changes (left a good job that dozens will apply to fill)...only to realize some of their angst wasn't solved in the overhaul.  Others in my circle, and probably yours, have likely done the same with marriages, churches, school choices, lifestyles, and places where they live...only to realize the same thing.  In one of the cases with a friend looking to change jobs, we talked about how the grass is greener where you put in the time and effort to bring fertilizer, do weeding, set up irrigation, and otherwise steward your resources for growth and excellence.  

The free version can
be magic in the
moment, if you make it.

When we talk about how we make it what it is...the difference is often in our willingness and commitment to lean in.  That can look different in different facets of life...but they all border on our level of commitment and investment we bring to the table.  In marriage, it might be doing date nights and bringing occasional flowers.  In parenting, it could be making an appearance at the football practice across town or doing game nights instead of watching sports on Sunday afternoon.  At work, it could be volunteering for a special project or mentoring a new teammate.  No matter what facet...our small actions add up to bring the spice to life.  

A "say yes"
default is half
the battle.

From a more micro or "tactical" perspective as opposed to big chunks of life, the "it is what you make of it" can be a worldview and ultimately a lifestyle.  In many parts of life, even more so now with the constant comparison-thief-of-joy that is social media, we build up a false expectation of something that can't live up to the reality.  There has been a lot of commentary recently with technology like AI and things like pornography that create false visions of what our significant other should be, do, look like, and so forth.  When we cultivate a false "perfection" in our mind by stitching together this person's car, that person's spouse, the other person's job, the guy down the block's vacation, the girl around the corner's kids...we build a reality that cannot match ours...and an expectation that can only lead to disappointment.  

The small things
are probably really
the big things.

Similarly, if we decide we're going to Disney on vacation, we talk up the figurative and literal cost so high that the experience has to be super.  The reality, without a "it is what you make of it" attitude or paradigm, is probably going to be more centered on the practical reality that it's hot and crowded.  When we create false narratives, our expectations can only get stomped because we build it up, stretch the budget, etc, and without a little help...it doesn't live up to the hype.  If, instead, we approach our worldview and frame our reality with the situation we're blessed with...shiny or not...we can begin to influence it in a positive way by putting out the proverbial water and fertilizer.  

A lot of the 
spice is in the
neighborhood.

When our kids were little, I remember many a wonderful day doing a walk around the block or a trip to the "nothing-spectacular" city park a few blocks away.  With the right servant leadership attitude, you can turn the greenway a few blocks away into a trip down the Amazon River or a cops-and-robbers car chase, or any one of a thousand other memorable imagination adventures.  When we make the most of it - it doesn't have to be the "fireworks finale," but can be just as grand in the eye of the beholder.  When we immersively lean in, we can make things pretty great.  On the flip side of the coin, we can also sink the ship easily with our negativity.  

Simple and serene 
often bring perspective.

We've traveled around the country many times and to many remarkable places.  Some of the most memorable have been the impromptu side-of-the-road stops.  Our family has prioritized travel adventures, and our kids have made it to the continental US 48 states while still toddlers.  Now that their 7 and 8, they've been to most of the national parks as well...many of them several times.  We've been blessed to see many cultures, crown jewels, and the mundane minutiae that come with road trips.  I think some of the high point memories that pop up were, "remember that time we had a pack of hotdogs and marshmallows on a small campfire overlooking the ____."  Or, "remember that time at the Minot, ND zoo when the porcupine looked like he was going to high dive?"  It's very rare that the commentary or memories include, "it would've been good if we'd only done____."  By making the small stuff special stuff, we find blessing and gratitude.  

A grand road
side stop in IA.

We had a friend recently who is working on a "big why" with finance, and in looking for free things to do in the area to cut down on some of their budget expenses, asked for some advice.  We ended up meeting them at a local museum with a weekend full of kid activities - free by the way.  The first comments when we met them there were around (sarcastically), how this space exhibit was just like the big regional museum across the state line...implying a negative connotation in their tone.  From their first negative shaded moments, the whole thing started downhill and only went further from there.  Their "big" why wasn't big enough to overcome some of their expectation bias and lifestyle.  On the flip side, we leaned into the activities (even if they were a bit cheesy, and most weren't).  From there, we walked downtown to the library and ended up sitting in on an impromptu bluegrass jam session with Christmas cookies.  All free and all of that to say, much like the old quote, if we approach something as inherently negative, our perception will discolor the thing to be a negative experience.

Pay attention to and 
cultivate the things 
we say we are...they
become who we 
are over time.

Last food for thought in this space - we often have those polarizing moments that change our lives.  For too many of us, it is some defining point, often a catastrophe, that serves as a BC/AD sort of marker in our lives - loss of a loved one, natural disaster, job loss, etc.  Our choice of "victim" or "survivor" as a label can make the difference in our resilience and future.  If we see ourselves as something...we associate the characteristics of that label and ultimately become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you see (and label) yourself (and your loved ones) as ____ (smart, pretty, talented...or dumb, ugly, incapable), we become those things over time.  We have to choose wisely and consistently take habitual action that ensures we're making the most of the things we say we want to make the most of in life.  If you've got those old anchors...cast them off.  If you've created rich, wholesome, good, and beautiful labels...double down on them.  

No improvements
required.

As we wrap up, whether it's better watering the grass that you're standing on by doing new tangible activities or shifting your attitude around your family...you can make the most the proverbial "it" things in your life.  We'll hopefully challenge you to do some introspection when it comes to how you're coming to the different tables in your life.  As it's been said, "Careful what you bring to the table...likely you'll end up eating it."  Best of luck with making the most of the little things in life...and doing the small actions to lean in that make the big things in life most important in your eyes and theirs.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three activities you can do to "lean in" with those in your circle and do them this week.  Then, pick out three things that you can do "attitude-wise" to make the mundane more spectacular.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) - pick a piece of life and make it a focal point on the "making the most of it" - let's say your next weekend road trip or leaning in at work.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Stephen Covey on Paradigms

The Power of Travel

 The Power of Travel

A house built
of bottles gave
lots of creative 
inspriation.

Travel is a pretty wonderful invention, or adventure, or whatever you want to call it.  It allows your family to explore other times, places, cultures, landscapes, and lifestyles.  Whether you're traveling across the street or around the world, travel allows you to right-size and ground-truth your space and size in the world.  In other words, when you get off the screens and go exploring, you realize that in many ways we're more alike than we are different.  You also realize that the differences are a spice of life...this is particularly true if you live in a cookie-cutter suburb or apartment building where everything is pretty similar.  

Beautiful places can bring 
the best in us.  

We've had the good fortune and blessing to spend quite a bit of time exploring around the US as a family.  Before children, my wife and I had made it to all of the lower 48 states and Hawaii.  By the time our youngest was two years old, we'd made it back to all of them at least once more.  Now that they're seven and eight, they haven't slowed down a bit, and we're writing this on a 10-day loop trip through the California coast and national parks.  Whatever the excuses are, they're probably not as valid as you think they are.  At no point in time as a human species, has travel been more convenient, affordable, or accessible.  When you think about our ancestors and the trouble and cost it would've taken to go "see the world" compared to $99 getaway flights from most major airports, we live in a blessed time. 

Building a castle on
the beach with washed
up bricks. 

When we have the chance to travel, we can realize that there are many great adventures to find both close to home and across the map.  Chances are, there are festivals, ethnic restaurants, historic markers...really whatever your passions are within a couple of hours' drive of where you live.  Within a three-day or so drive, chances are there are areas where people do life entirely differently from the way you do.  And a longer road trip or airplane flight, regions where life looks completely foreign.  By going to see some of these things, it helps you (and your kids) realize they're not the center of the universe.  It also helps them realize that they may be far more fortunate than they think they were before the trip.  

Seal watching in 
San Francisco.

Travel can also serve as a teaching point.  By doing research ahead of time, hitting key sites on the trip, and looking up things we visited on the trip, we can help our children learn research methods.  This before/during/after also helps us build anticipation and follow-up excitement so that the trip effectively continues far beyond the actual days on the road.  This teaching/learning not only helps our children, but also helps refresh topics we may have known once and learn new ones.  Travel is also great for facilitating learning conversations with our children.  Around every bend in the road are prompts for questions that can facilitate self-learning...and connection with your kids.  

Seeing a school bus
demolition derby race.

We've had several trips to ancient Native American sites up through the frontier of America.  When you realize those people were the same species as we modern people, it helps us understand that our capacity for hardship, hard work, and resilience is far greater than we often know.  On a recent stop in Death Valley, our quarter-mile hike full of "wow this is hot" type complaints was punctuated with a display about how, for five years, people filled wheelbarrows full of mud to boil out the borax, then 20 mule teams hauled the refined product more than a hundred miles to the railroad.  Talking through that really puts meal delivery and ridesharing in A/C in perspective.  

Becoming a 
miner in NV.

Travel also allows you to target the interests of your family.  This can be both seasonal and based on themes they're specifically interested in.  The seasonal aspect can include within the year - going to see the autumn colors in the mountains or the northeast...or it can be the "toddler-season" with kid's musuems and whatnot.  With road trips, you can also target the specific interests of your family.  One of our kids is pretty into space...we've detoured over the years to hit the Houston Space Center, Huntsville Space Center, Florida Space Coast, and other sites around the country to help keep the dream alive.  Using tools like Google My Maps to plot key points of interest, then chart a course maximizing your time between them have never been easier.  

Fishing in NE
and exploring
new species. 

As we wrap up the week - remember that travel is more affordable, accessible, and available than any time before in history.  It can be as challenging or costly as you want - 5 star resort hotel or camping along the way.  Also, remember the benefits of travel are pretty robust in both the short and long term.  We hope that you will embrace travel in the coming seasons of life.  When you get past the challenges or frustrations...and, as a person on an airplane told us back in the day, "pack an extra portion of patience" and hit the road.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few get-started style trips that you can take in the next month.  They could be local or regional...but the point is to do something you wouldn't have otherwise done.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of traveling.  This is the time for conversation on what your style and future lifestyle of travel could/would/should look like.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Google My Maps - https://mymaps.google.com/ 

- There are a ton of travel blogs out there - pick your favorites.  https://www.emilymkrause.com/ 

Disaster's Donut Hole

Disaster's Donut Hole

Understand what can hit you.

Following up from the last couple of weeks, we wanted to talk a little bit about the idea of the "donut hole of disaster," or where many folks unfortunately fall through in community-level disasters.  This post is a cautionary tale to make sure that you have a robust personal preparedness plan...that is adequately backstopped with appropriate insurance products.  When you have a "single family disaster" (home fire, heart attack, job loss, etc), the reliance for recovery is largely on you, your insurance company, and those in your immediate circle (church, relatives, friends, neighbors, etc).  Typically, the recovery from these sorts of incidents is fairly straightforward, particularly since you're not competing with other builders, lack of temporary housing, community-level clean-up, or much in the way of bureaucracy.  You utilize your insurance products and work through the steps of recovery.  

Practice ahead of
time.

In the mega disasters, there are typically many partners that show up in the "media interest phase" - FEMA, state agencies, local first responders, VOAD (Voluntary Organizations Active in Disasters - think faith-based and non-profit groups).  At some point, these people ride off into the sunset...and your recovery to a "new normal" continues.  In the early phases of the incident, your main focus is the immediate life safety items like Maslow's Hierarchy - connecting with loved ones, getting a roof over your head, addressing medical/food/water needs, and so forth.  In this phase, hopefully, you've got an emergency fund and/or a plan, e.g., "we'll drive to grandma's house and bring all of our food."  Also, in this phase, time is of the essence, and getting away from the hazard/avoiding it through evacuation is usually the ideal move.  

Build a team that works
together.

Note: even if FEMA assistance arrives (which is no guarantee - there are a series of "if" gates that all have to swing in your/the disaster's favor), the assistance comes in the form of low-interest loans and limited financial assistance.  Additionally, if you're un-(or under) insured and do have a catastrophic loss...you still owe your mortgage.  In many cases, your insurance payoff makes the bank "whole," not necessarily buys you a new house.  It's also important to remember that with housing appreciation, you can fairly quickly and easily get behind and become "under" insured.  It's important to periodically check back in with your insurance company to ensure your coverage matches your home replacement cost.  Lastly, there are disasters that are often not included in your insurance coverage - the main ones are flood, earthquake, and terrorism.  This means you need a separate, specific rider on your policy.  

Have a backup plan.

As you're thinking through the disasters that could hit your community, it's important to pick a solid insurance company.  There are horror stories in disaster recovery of a deep bureaucracy and a ton of finger-pointing in a mess of resources that you have to navigate.  In an ideal situation, you'll have an insurance company that is responsive and coverage that not only helps with your rebuild...but also your living situation (e.g., hotels, rental, etc) while you're rebuilding.  For many large-scale disasters...plan on months (or even years) before your house is put back.  This means that you need to have thought through what you'll do if the "big show" becomes a home game...before you're on the proverbial field.  

Make the most of the 
crisis situation

In many of the big disaster situations in recent years (Marshal Fire, Paradise Fire, Lahaina Fire, Malibu Fire(s)), the competition between builders, permitting processes, wide-scale clean up, and other factors have significantly slowed down the recovery and rebuild processes.  The families involved still have to think through things like where they work, where their kids go to school, what the community looks like, church, etc, when they may be displaced miles of commute from where life was pre-disaster.  Part of the solution to this problem...should you become impacted...is having a solid support structure and community that wraps around you and your loved ones.  

Keep your eye on 
the horizon.

If the disaster isn't so widespread as to necessitate FEMA assistance (think the small neighborhood flood or small tornado), the patchwork of state recovery programs is pretty varied.  Some states have an Individual Assistance (IA) type program, similar to FEMA.  Others (most others), there are well wishes, technical assistance, and not much else.  In those cases, the donut hole, you're left to your own experience in navigating the clean-up and recovery/rebuild processes.  There are documents like FEMA's EEFAK, the American Red Cross suite of products, and others that can help set you up for success before a disaster.  But...the main point...have adequate insurance that is from a company that isn't necessarily the cheapest...but has a reputation for leaning in to help out their customers.  And...build your community.  Lean into the neighborhood, volunteer at your church, and so forth, so that if and when a disaster strikes, you're not solo but rather can lean in when you (and those in your tribe) need it most.  As we depart, you're trying to avoid the "that sucks to be you...hope you had insurance" when disaster strikes.  Take time to plan ahead today. 

What are some donut holes that are in your family?  In life?  Places where rules let the middle fall through? 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that you can do this week...and do them - call your insurance to ensure it's adequate, write out the phone numbers you'd need in an emergency, etc.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of your disaster preparedness...after you watch some of Peter's incredible content (below) and his whole channel in general, incredible storyteller and channel!

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Peter Santenello - Hurricane Helene Recovery

- Peter Santenello - LA Fires

- Peter Santenello - Lahaina Fires

When It Goes Sideways - Part II

When It Goes Sideways...

Practice digging
for when you
need it.

This week, we'll continue on our journey about when it goes sideways, but move beyond the philosophical to the more practical aspects of getting prepared ahead of time and going through the situation with more grace, compassion, and resilience on the other side.  The ability to bounce back is a practiced art.  It combines some of the practical steps that we will talk about, coupled with the way of life, and more theoretical ideas from last week.  Good news is...like any muscle, over time, and with intention... you can build your resilience. 

Watch out for
the electric
fences.

From a more practical, nuts-and-bolts perspective, it's important to have adequate insurance and paperwork put together as a "parachute" or "fire shelter."  We're able to do life more fully when we know we've got the trampoline under the tightrope, so to speak.  So far as paperwork is concerned, it's important, no matter how young, healthy, your plans, and so forth, to have end-of-life documents in order.  A last will and testament, guardianship paperwork, living wills, legal/medical power of attorney, trust, and so forth.  It sounds silly but the tragedy of early and untimely death is a mountain to climb...it's worse if you didn't have paperwork put together ahead of time.  For most young folks, you can get by with a few of the above documents, often for free online.  As your life ages and your situation becomes more complicated, consider legal advice and additional forms.  

Sometimes healing
is around a 
campfire.

The other practical piece we were mentioning is insurance.  I don't know how many apartment fires I went to where, for the cost of a pizza a month, the folks did not have renters' insurance and now were facing the fact that all of their stuff was ruined...and no one was coming to help.  There are a variety of insurance products out there...and, like I've believed, fishing lures at the store are more for catching fishermen than fish (e.g. sales gimmicks), many insurance products are gimmicky.  That said, a few are absolutely critical in my experience, having spent nearly two decades responding to people's worst days.  Health insurance...for sure.  Car insurance...for sure - get choosy with deductibles, coverage amounts, and so forth...you can get upsold easily here.  Term life insurance...for sure - beyond that, watch out for gimmicky.  Others, like umbrella or identity theft, may be right for your situation, but choose carefully after some due diligence.  Many insurance folks will sell you what makes a commission...not what you necessarily need.  

Bring an umbrella...bit
enough to share if needed.

Emergency/rainy day/life happens fund - this is another of our practical steps, like a parachute that makes it easier to weather storms.   One common denominator to most disasters is that it has a financial cost to it...sometimes a big one.  I understand how hard life can be when you frequently have more money than month.  In those days or seasons, it's hard to think about the margin and peace of mind that comes with having a little money set aside.  Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps start with $1,000 starter fund and ultimately grow to 3-6 months of living expenses.  When you're facing a crisis, the last thing you want to worry about is if you have enough money in your savings account to help get through the immediate moments without having to think about it too much.  If you're struggling with finances, get in the habit of setting back a little bit until you can set back a lot.  

Sometimes...you just need
to wade in and wear it
dry later.  

In some cases, we can avoid or mitigate the consequences of a bad thing by getting out in front of it.  We know that many divorces are caused by financial issues.  We also know that many financial situations are compounded by the lack of a plan or budget.  Therefore, we can protect our marriage by having a monthly budget and financial conversations.  The this-then-that thinking can hopefully help us avoid the bad situation in its entirety.  If I don't eat a pack of cookies every day, my risk of a heart attack goes down.  Similarly, we can "mitigate" or reduce the consequences when something does happen.  By having life insurance, my untimely death (hopefully from the cookies), will be easier for my wife to deal with when she doesn't get the double whammy of me gone...and having to go back to work tomorrow to keep food on the table.  

Learning from your mistakes...
can help you not get lost...
or at least as lost next time.

The last of our practical steps are plans/checklists and After Action Review-Improvement Plans (AAR-IP).  Plans and checklists are forward-looking, while an AAR is looking backwards...with the associated IP part gets us back around the corner to looking ahead.  In a practical family example, let's say you have an unexpected job loss.  A checklist (likely can be found online for rip off and replicate) may include steps like cleaning out the office, updating the resume, applying for unemployment, poking network connections, cutting back the spending budget, and putting out job applications.  The "job loss checklist" can be as detailed or sparse as you like - knowing that it won't address every eventuality or be 100% applicable to the situation in the moment...but it will guide those initial actions when you're in the shock of the moment. 

Trial-and-error 
works...but you can 
learn from others, too.

Shifting gears to the AAR-IP component, it's important to spend some introspective time reflecting on the root causes of our crisis and what we'll do differently next time.  Say you go through a bankruptcy (worst case, so scale back your financial emergency to fit you and apply the principles to your situation), an AAR might include the things that led you to the situation...and what you'll do differently next time.  The reason we look carefully in hindsight at these is that no two situations are identical.  One bankruptcy might be brought on by swiping the credit card for far more than you can pay off every month...another might be from a medical emergency.  Those two situations obviously call for different ways forward to avoid the problem next time.  In one situation, we can change our habits, increase our income, and so forth.  On the other hand, we likely can't avoid the uninsured driver who ran the red light or the big "c-word" diagnosis that required treatment.  

Sometimes, we should 
learn from others...
other times...others 
can learn from us.

If you want to take the AAR-IP concept a step further, you can apply the principles in a conversation with your loved ones about a similar situation in someone else's life.  We recently had one of those "have everything put together" peer couples implode with him moving out, a very public speech at church, and ultimately a divorce...which required them to sell their home.  The very put-together persona shattered shockingly quickly (from the outside looking in) and rippled through their entire life/lifestyle.  In unpacking the situation a bit around our table, we were able to tease out some of the warning signs and slippery slopes that we could re-double down on in our lives to avoid more carefully moving forward.  This look at others can also hopefully help us be more empathetic, top-of-mind prayer requests for others, and build up a community that is struggling because we're looking for those who could use an arm around the shoulders.  

Do life with a tribe...
we were built to 
not run solo.

As we wrap up this part, one more tip would be to utilize the community.  This could be friends, relatives, church contacts, neighbors, co-workers, and others in your circle.  The idea that "you're doing life together" is an important practical step.  One of you struggling...the others bring meals, watch the kids, move the piano, and so forth.  With our modern busy schedules and service economy, rarely do we practice just leaning in with others...and letting them lean in with us.  It is hard to "turn on community" in a crisis if you haven't done the relationship-building work ahead of time, sometimes over years.  Invite people over for game night, host a BBQ, and say "yes" to the church volunteer commitment.  Be intentional and proactive about "putting capital in the relationship bank" so that if/when you or someone in the "tribe" needs it, you can make withdrawals.  

It sucks that bad things happen...for some, we can prevent them or lessen their consequences, for others, we can make it through as best as possible.  Hopefully, between the last two weeks, you've gotten some ideas on the theory and the "to-do" list for being ready before, during, and after the crisis.  As you go through life, keep your family close, build your community, have good insurance...and live your best life...ready to go over the speedbumps and past the hurdles.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things you're going to check on or do this week - add/confirm insurance, study a bad situation, etc...and go take action.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) as it relates to being ready for a bad day.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Teddy Roosevelt on The Strenuous Life

When It Goes Sideways - Part I

When It Goes Sideways...

Hop on the wagon when 
you need it.

"Out of any adversity are seeds of equal or greater opportunity."  That's a quote from a good friend, and it's an important reminder that we should strive for resiliency.  This means our ability to bounce back stronger because of the stress or struggle of something rough.  The concept is along the continuum of shattering, cracking, surviving, thriving, and so forth.  When a bad day shows up on our doorstep, whatever flavor, we need to try to have our bases covered so that we don't shatter, but rather come out of the situation...in time...stronger for the experience of the struggle.  

Keep moving...even
when the tide goes out.

When we talk about "going sideways," it may take the flavor of illness, untimely death, job loss, home loss, divorce, heartbreak, medical emergency, car crash, disaster, financial emergency, or any other calamity.  There are some preparedness/readiness measures that are pretty hazard-specific and others that are "hazard agnostic" or "all-hazards," as we say in the emergency field.  For our families, the first step is identifying the risks in our environment in order to prioritize and categorize what could happen.  This helps us see the common denominators that can cross-cut where we should prioritize our efforts and investments.  For example, living a debt-free life, beyond the many inherent benefits, makes weathering just about any crisis situation smoother.  

Grab a pool noodle and
ride it out.

There have been countless studies and many blog-type posts about the idea that trees grown in a "lab" setting don't do well.  In order to become the proverbial mighty oak, the sapling tree needs the wind to push on it in order to become resilient.  In other words, the tree becomes mighty, not in spite of the wind...but rather because of it.  Similarly, we're better able to deal with setbacks and speed bumps when we've had some inoculations, or stress-in-small-doses in our past experiences.  For example, a divorce would be crushing...doubly so if you never had the first "teenage breakup."  Never made a "learnable mistake" with finances when you were younger and they were "survivable," imagine navigating a bankruptcy or car repossessions, prepare us for the bigger ones.  

Or hop the canoe to keep
a float.

In the first responder and military circles (and others), you've heard the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and more recently dropping the "D" since it's not a disorder...you went through a beyond belief situation...and you're reacting.  In order to get in front of perhaps the bad consequences or falling down the slope of life because of a traumatic experience, first responders are using Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM).  It employs a peer-to-peer approach with referrals to professionals when necessary.  The idea is that you share the experience and your feelings/reactions to it with a group of peers.  This "breaking of bread" conversation, often around a table, helps us avoid compartmentalizing.  

Learn from the gator or the 
manatee.

In our families, when we're facing stress or a crisis is looming, we too should work on open, transparent communications.  If we've built systems into life for this - dinner around the table, date nights, walks with the family around the block - times when we've said "family communiction is more important than _____," we're better postioned for less awkward interaction and deliberation with our family when it's hectic.  Many of the CISM concepts can be paralleled in home life - dealing with the stress of a new teenager...maybe chat with peers a few years ahead of you who have been through that season of life.  New diagnosis...maybe attend the support group luncheon.   

Bring a friend
or a brother.

When we talk about the negative outcomes of stress, it can manifest in deep dives into our vices - withdrawing, becoming snarky, drinking too much, and many others.  It's been described that over the throughout, we add little bits of water to our proverbial five-gallon bucket.  That bad firefighter call - maybe we add a cup, the near miss of someone running a red light - maybe we add a teaspoon.  The good news is that with healthy coping habits, we can also dip/dump some of that accumulating water out.  Going on a relaxing vacation - perhaps we can remove a cup.  Changing jobs to something less travel-intensive or stressful - maybe we dump half.  Pay off our house - maybe dump half.  Take a walk with our family in the park - maybe dump a teaspoon.  What we're trying to do is avoid the bucket filling and overtopping where we blow up the status quo - divorce, mid-life crisis, new sports car, an affair, suicide, etc.  It's critical to understand how full our bucket is...and more importantly, how we drain it responsibly and safely.  Similarly, keep an eye on (model and check-in) with your spouse and kids on their buckets.  

Sometimes, push
your own wagon.

As we continue talking about the bad things, part of resilience and getting in front of it...and through it...are recognizing that bad things can happen...even if we're doing "everything right."  Bad things do happen...it sucks...but when they do happen, responding to them with intentionality and hopefully some forethought makes the bumpy ride smoother than it would have been otherwise.  This visualization of "what would I do if..." or "how would I respond when..." speeds up our reactionary time when we're hit with some terrible news or dire situation.  That speed and direction (or vector and velocity) help us avoid the cascading or domino-style consequences that will ultimately add to our trouble long term.   

Slow down
when you need.

When we talk about things going sideways, it's important to avoid them going more sideways than "necessary."  With many disasters, we can inadvertently make them worse...catastrophic even...by not slowing down or thinking clearly.  Say that we have a grandma passing away in a far-away state...we can make it worse by putting the travel on a credit card, maybe no-call/no-show at our job, and getting fired, losing our apartment, etc.  I know that's an extreme example, but think about how you keep a bad thing from getting worse.  The whole "throw good money after bad" where we should've cut our losses, but we double down and make something worse.  Think about "how do we stop the bleeding" concept in whatever your situation is...stop it from getting worse...then start working on cleaning up the mess after that.  Prevent the snowball from taking off down the hill...keep it as small and as little momentum as possible.  

If you land on
your head...
wear a helmet.

Lastly, as we talk through this and wrap up this week, I think it's important to include the idea that having faith and thankfulness right sizes the crisis situation.  When we're staring the problem in the face, it can seem overwhelming.  When we think through our heritage and how many sets of parents, grandparents, and so forth had to do what they did for us to be sitting here...that's a lot of crisis and heartache that was overcome.  When we read the Bible, we realize how to overcome trouble and build resiliency.  Similarly, nature (perhaps where you're closest to creation), can help us reset and right size, realizing that we're small...and our troubles are likely smaller...no matter how big they seem in the moment.  

When we come back next week, we'll leave the philosophical/theoretical behind and talk a little more about the practical tips that might help you get through a situation more smoothly.  Know that bad things happen...know that you can survive them...with work and intention...you can thrive on the other side of them.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things that your family can do, philosophically, to be more ready should a bad thing come to visit.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) when it comes to readiness.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Yale Medicine - How To Be Resilient

No Wrong Way to do a Right Thing

No Wrong Way to do a Right Thing

See a bird migration.

And, no right way to do a wrong thing the right way.  This has been a saying that's been around for quite a while.  As we're doing life and raising kids, it's an important thing to remember.  Oftentimes we can get into semantics arguments over right things and wrong things...but most all of us know that some things are right... some things are wrong.  Period.  When we talk about, especially with our kids, choosing the right things, it's also important to talk about the context of how and why.

Get someone to help
pull you.

When we talk about some of these topics, we should include the two halves of (1) - doing the right thing, and (2) doing that particular thing properly.  Stephen Covey talked about this concept as a bit of a difference between efficient and effective.  In his example, we can be climbing a ladder...but we have to make sure the ladder is leaning against the right building.  In our homes, we can do the "right" things like going to church...but doing it right...the "how" to includes paying attention, internalizing, connecting, being genuine, and so forth, are critical.  Thinking through this two-fold approach helps us ensure that we're being true to ourselves and those around us.  

Watch for 
buffalo.

By understanding, unpacking, and verbalizing the how/what/why of a right thing, we can create more motivation and staying power.  We can also connect our "right things" to a larger purpose that helps us keep going in the struggle seasons.  Let's use diet or budgeting as an example - in both, we know that we should stay in moderation and not eat/spend more than we need...so that we build margin.  In both cases, doing the right things like eating/spending in moderation and such should be tied to a "why" - "I will spend less than I make, so that we can go on a family vacation" or "I will eat less than I want, so that I can age gracefully and maintain my health."  

Lead by 
example.

As we continue the above example, the "right way" to save money likely includes a combination of proper accounts, automation to make saving easy, and so forth.  We should also smartly cut expenses that don't line up with our values.  For example, we could cut a streaming service we never use before, cutting off our vacation budget.  That said, at a certain point, any cut (in this example) is a good cut.  By rolling back those pennies here and there, we begin to make good progress that becomes meaningful.  As you make progress, it's important to ensure that you're completing the continued progress in moderation...so that you don't end up in a "too much of a good thing...still being too much."  

Don't spear a whale.

In talking with our kids, we try to reiterate that "you can choose the action...but you can't choose everything that happens after that...including the consequences."  We can encourage them to do the right by making it easier to do than the wrong thing (e.g. put a clothes hamper in their room that they can go dump...instead of tossing it under the bed).  While we can impose (or sometimes just allow) consequences to occur in our laundry example (e.g. you'll be the stinky kid), at the end of the day, if they're having clean clothes (end state), the tasks don't really matter.  As we go through these sorts of conversations, look for teaching opportunities to create a parallel between taking care of your t-shirt and taking care of your car, house, family, eternity, and other critical items.  

Keep
walking.

As we talk about doing the right thing, and facilitating the habits of both doing the right thing...and doing the right thing the right way, it's important to teach good risk management.  In the size-up of a particular situation, if we've built the habits and how-to muscles that become autonomous, we build trust in those around us...and in ourselves.  A few years ago, a family acquaintance was talking about their graduating senior with "we're excited to see what he's going to do with his life."  It wasn't a "he has a plan," or "he's going to do A, B, C, etc." (it doesn't really matter what the A, B, or C were...but the lack of a plan was telling).  Fast forward a few years, and the poor kid is facing prison time for a series of bad decisions.  

Climb a tree.

I don't want to overdramatize the above example, but I do want to tease out a couple of possible lessons.  Had the kid (and the parents helped create) a muscle memory/lifestyle of doing the right things...the right way...he likely would have been able to stand up to the peer pressure and push back on the thousand little items that led him to the big thing he's in trouble for now.  We, as parents and adults, owe it to our children to not only model but to create an environment where we can try (and fail - don't shelter them) doing the right things the right way.  By creating (or allowing) consequences by not bailing kids out, they learn that doing the right thing...the right way, simply makes life easier.  

Scaffold for success
when needed.

In the Art of Manliness, host and author Brett McKay talks about the idea of how life turns out pretty good...if we just avoid a few of the big mistakes.  We don't actually have to make every decision, or even necessarily, most of them correctly.  We just have to not make the bad decisions on a few big things.  Don't marry the wrong person...don't overbuy the first house...don't pick a low ROI college major or career field...and so forth.  When we do the wrong thing, no matter what the reason is or whether we knew it was the wrong thing at the time...we still have to pay the consequences.  

See the sunsets.

As we wrap up...doing the right thing matters, both in the moment and long term.  It doesn't matter so much how we do the right thing, but that we did the right thing.  When we repeat the "right thing(s)" often enough, it becomes a way of life, and our life becomes pretty solid.  Best of luck on the journey of raising kids and modeling how to do life the right way.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple things for your family to consider this week on doing the right thing.  Talk about what the challenges are and how to overcome them.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of doing the hard (right) things.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Fulcrum Article

Habitual Ruts

Habitual Ruts

Overcome rut
obstacles.

We tend to associate ruts with a negative connotation...that's not necessarily accurate.  Much like the drive to familiar places like work/church/school/groceries, we routinely go on "autopilot."  Similarly, our ability to walk through our home in the dark, neural paths that become ruts allow us to be more efficient.  If we had to think through each task we do, every single time, we'd turn into basket cases.  As you're thinking through the systems that you employ in your life...consider what we can put onto the habitual ruts to create progress.  

Ruts can be made
to be useful.

Some parts of our life are more conducive to the benefits of habitual rut.  When we think about things like budgeting...we can do things like automatic transfers, automatic payroll investing, and other things that become the "fire and forget" automation.  Similarly, with our calendar or to-do list we can leverage technology to make our ruts deeper.  Proactively adding a calendar check-in/family meeting allows us to make that touch point weekly as a habit...not when the proverbial dumpster is burning down.  Our habitual ruts allow us to get to the Covey Q2 (not urgent, but important) tasks and slide from response to prevention.  This intentional, proactive work means that we're less likely to have a continuing series of "crazy-cycle" encounters by getting out in front of them and avoiding the root causes.  

Start early.

We were at the Guernsey, WY Oregon Trail ruts a while back and it's a powerful place to stand and look at the physical ruts.  Those repetitive wagon wheels rolling over the same piece of ground...150 years ago are a reminder that ruts can help us build upon those before us...and do better.  Instead of wandering aimlessly or dangerously across the wild west country, the trail and corresponding ruts allowed subsequent travelers to more easily, quickly, efficiently, effectively, and safely navigate a wild place.  Those ruts, at the beginning, were a few small tracks through the grass...now, sort of, those "ruts" have turned into a railroad and interstate highway system that has transformed our world.  

Ruts (and water)
can do amazing
things.

As you unpack some of our family roles, can we build some "how-to parent" ruts by volunteering to babysit, coach a Little League team, or help out with kid care at church?  Chances are, if we're intentional and proactive, we can likely avoid the bumps on the horizon.  When we're looking to make a career change, we can likely find an internship/volunteer opportunity that gives us a few small ruts to figure out if we want to invest the time/energy/resources to build an entire "road system."  For example, during grad school, we had a classmate who had finished her dental degree...only to realize she didn't like doing dental work.  Long story short, she was transitioning to administration stuff (not in health care).  Had she perhaps made a little rut before doubling down on a doctorate degree...life might've been smoother.  

Go see the 
physical ruts.

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear lays out the idea of habits as systems.  By taking the small habits and "stacking" them, we can create a more useful system/network that enables us to do some great things.  When we talk about a system, those habit ruts can be powerful.  Let's use an example of physical fitness - some of the ruts might include putting our water bottle and shoes by the door to get up first thing and take a walk/run.  Another rut might be getting into the habit of every time a commercial comes on or a streaming episode ends, you do 10/20/200 (you pick) pushups and put the TV on mute.  Similarly, we can make a habitual rut in healthy eating by not going to the grocery store hungry, shopping with a list, staying on the outside loop (not in the aisles), and getting veggies instead of ice cream when you're not in a moment of weakness.  

They can lead to
beautiful places.

Another benefit of habit ruts is that they create a certain momentum that leads us closer to who we say we want to become.  For example, with faith, doing prayers at dinner, talking about the Bible, going to church, and so forth creates a rut that then makes us a faithful person.  Getting out and doing adventure with kids when it is cold, they're tired, and it's generally a pain in the butt, eventually create adventurous people who do adventurous things.  The cool thing about the rut is that the habit of, say, outdoor adventure, is that we'll likely have our kids grow up to be a next generation of adventurous parents who raise adventure kids, who become adventurous parents...and so forth.  The small ruts you start now can compound and cascade decades into the future.  

Get a carry if you
need it.

Part of the idea of ruts is that we can use them to look forward to where we're going...but also backwards to where we've been.  This can be particularly important and empowering when you're in a season of struggle.  When you look at the rut/paths/people who came before you...and think about the repetitive nature of ruts necessary to be in place to get you to where you are often helps to right-size our perception of the struggle.  Think back, say 10 generations...you had 2 parents, who each had 2 parents (up to 4), who each had 2 parents...when you get to 10 generations...we had to have had 2,048 people all "survive" or thrive to make it possible for us to show up.  Looking back down those ruts can help us remember who we are (our values, heritage, and so forth).  They can help us overcome the fears, frustrations, and struggles we're facing.  

Sometimes they
split different
ways.

As we broaden out with ruts...we can also have them be negative.  If we have a habitual rut of coming home, kicking off our shoes, turning on the TV, and becoming a couch potato...we have to work to "drive" out of that rut.  The first part of doing so is noticing we're in a rut...and the rut is on a trail that will take us where we don't want to go.  It's important every so often to spend some introspective time evaluating where your current trails are taking you (and your family).  If we aren't tickled with where our small habits are going...we can then take actions to create new habits.  For example, if you spend too much money...long enough, we call it bankruptcy.  Instead, we can look at what causes us to spend money (e.g. I always stop for coffee when I drive by the ABC store).  In unpacking it (highly recommend you read Atomic Habits for more details), perhaps we take a different route (rut) to work to break our trigger/catalyst.  

Create some 
new ruts.

Lastly, as we depart our discussion on habit ruts, it's important to remember that when we're in a rut, the days tend to blur together.  Get up, go to work, go to sleep - repeat.  The days become a gray oneness.  Instead, by injecting some novelty into our lives (trying something new), we can distort our perception of time.  When we do a "honey do" weekend, it seems pretty seamless with the rest of our week.  Instead, if we do something new like a long weekend trip, staycation, or other novelty, when we get back to life/work on Monday, it feels like we've been gone a month.  In a perfect world, you create a habitual rut that adds novelty to your life as the status quo.  This doesn't have to be particularly costly or even take a ton of time - go to the concert in the park, have a picnic over lunch, go stargazing...the idea is to inject novelty intentionally and regularly.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of "bad" habits and a couple of good habits that point to where you want to go.  Now, this week, take a few small actions to minimize/delete a bad habit or create the beginnings of a rut for a good one.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of recognizing ruts and getting into/out of ones in your life.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- James Clear Discussion