Trends are Telling

Trends are Telling

If you're the person who has had 20 jobs in the last ten years, it's you...you've got issues with conflict management, quitting, etc.  You're not the victim, it's a mindset and a personality that you've adopted.  Anything can be a one-off, those are anomalies, not rules.  That said, over time, patterns develop and trends emerge across the facets of our lives.  Ultimately, those trends likely are indicative of our character and begin to blur between the facets of our lives.  In other words, if you're a schmuck at work, you probably are (or are becoming) one at home as well.  The old "excellence as a habit" rings true and if you're killing it in one area of life...likely you're doing so elsewhere as well.  

It doesn't help when you have cookie elves
in the house.

My wife jokes that I've got the best and worst self-control of anyone she's met.  I've been blessed to
have the ability to block out a lot of distracting stuff...and cursed with a metabolism that has allowed me to binge eat sweets.  As we age, our metabolism tends to catch up with us and our habits may need to change.  Chances are, you likely don't sit down and pack on twenty pounds of Christmas cookies (although we can all have aspirational goals).  More likely, you pack on a pound here and there over the year and look back at New Year's twenty pounds heavier.  In other words, our trends catch up with us...we can have cheat days here and there, but the trend tells us whether or not we're being successful/healthy overall. 

We, nor you, likely achieved your financial status overnight...it was a series of repeated habits, systems, and decisions that put you on the course to where you are now.  If you're rocking it, the one dollar here and there over time has likely grown to a comfortable amount.  If you have trickled it away by spending that same dollar here and there over time, you're probably sweating it after ten or twenty years.  The trends tend to pattern up over time and compound.  The old turtle's slow and steady wins the race holds true in most parts of our lives.  If we're doing the things that happy, healthy, wealthy people do over time, those trends will likely conspire to make us happy, healthy, and wealthy over time.  

One quick caveat and we discuss it in our articles relating to Zig's Wheel, you can have sprint seasons where one part of life runs a little off-kilter to others, and as long as that's only a short sprint...so be it.  When we find ourselves out of alignment over time (a trend), we often find ourselves on a pretty bumpy road.  As an example, our family has had some seasons where we've sprinted hard in freelance work toward a particular goal, then laid off when the season ended to farm the time back into quality family activities.  On the other hand, I've got a friend who makes big money...but has essentially "moved to Texas" and away from his family.  It works for them, but I'd argue if you analyzed the trends for both he and I, you'd find that you gravitate toward one or the other.  

The good news, perhaps the great news, is that no matter how difficult, trends can be changed.  Just like turning a giant ship or slowing a speeding train, the momentum we build up and take advantage of can be changed.  By making a decision to change your trends, you can start the work to turn the momentum toward a trend you find more desirable.  While it's not particularly easy to do so, it is generally pretty simple, and it's also doable.   

An example of a freezer meal habit/system
to eat healthier and change a trend we were 
seeing.  

We talk a lot about habits and systems that are the bedrock of goal achievement more than relying on willpower.  Taking a page from that playbook, you can likely make a decision, or more likely a series of decisions to start changing the course.  Let's say it's saving money, making that first decision, then tracking the trends over time, you really start to see some motivational progress to hold you over.  At first, the momentum is small...a few bucks here or there.  When you track those trends, you start to see at six months that a few bucks are now hopefully a few thousand.  Looking back in the rearview mirror at the trends a year or two down the road and hopefully, it's tens of thousands.  I can tell you, now, looking back twenty years from high school graduation, those trends can be powerful, carrying you into the six or even seven-figure club.  

To summarize, we measure trends in each facet of our life.  We are likely the sum of the trends, not any one individual decision or moment.  Identify the people doing what you'd like to be doing, start taking those actions, and measure those trends.  Over time, you'll look back and likely be amazed at how much you've accomplished.  As Bill Gates said, “Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years."  Set your end state, take action, measure the trends, and be amazed.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three trends you'd like to evaluate in your life (health, wealth, happiness, etc)
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Determine if your trends are taking you closer or further away from your desired end states.
• If further away, what systems/habits/next step actions are you going to take to course correct?
• If closer, how are you going to maintain or enhance the strengths you've created?
• Are there any trends as a family that you want to work on?  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Habit Stacking with James Clear

No to Get to Yes

No to Get to Yes

Sometimes our statues are in 
sand...

For many of us, we're not overcome by the negative but more likely by too much of the positive.  Cliches abound, but at the end of the day, too much of a good thing is still too much.  If you think of our ideal life in the metaphor of an ancient arrowhead, we can hopefully harvest some insights.  When an archer would start with a hunk of rock it was far from an aerodynamic tool.  Same with David's Michaelangelo, your calendar (and by extension your life) starts as a hunk of rock and we must remove the "good" parts to get to the best parts.  At first, we have to whack away the big chunks, but as we get closer and closer to the ideal, we have to start removing the finer chunks, often the sandpaper-level polishing to make our arrowhead, statue, or best life shine.  

Sometimes something
a little more sturdy...

As with anything worthwhile in life, getting good at saying "no" to the good things is an acquired skill that likely doesn't come easily but is necessary.  We have to practice at saying "no" to one more little league sport or extracurricular, one more project at work, one more volunteer opportunity...we have to for the sake and sanity of our present and future family.  Sometimes, saying "no" to be able to say "yes" to the most important things, or Covey's "first things" is the essential step.  Raising balanced, well-adjusted children into Godly, competent adults is the end zone for many of our parenting journeys.  That journey is, or should be paved with a lot of "no" answers so that you can focus your scarce resources (time, energy, focus, money, etc) onto the truly "yes" efforts.  

A few tips to help you move forward with this: 

• Practice saying "no" to routine things until you get out of the habit of the "automatic yes" response.
• Work on your "yes, and" as well as "no, but" language.  "Yes I can help, and I will only be available for 1 hour per month."  "No, I can't join the board on this, but have you talked to so and so?"  
• Identify what "has to be true to say yes" to something in each facet of life.  For example, to say yes to a new extracurricular, it has to fill a gap we're strategically missing...AND not impact A, B, or C on the calendar.  
• Fill the calendar with "yes" things so that you have to physically move them to say "yes" to something else.  For many of us, our calendar is a vacuum and a new thing floats through and it's easy to say "yes".  It's harder to say "yes" if you have to move the appointment on your calendar that says, "family game night" or "reading time with kids" or whatever else.   

We've talked about the Zig's Wheel in a few posts here on this site.  Often, saying "yes" to that project at work is subconsciously saying "no" to something else, likely at home.  As we've talked about, it is essential to get good at saying "no" and "quitting" things in different categories when we get too overinflated or overinvested in one category of life in order to maintain or create a balance in our life.  As Ken Fisher in The Ten Roads to Riches puts it, "Founders are quitters."  "Quit everything else.  Once you quit, it gets quiet."  From there, you can have the perspective to figure out what's next.  If you're so busy as a family racing from one good (or bad) thing to the next that you can't breathe, let alone think and plan, it's important to hit the pause button.  

Getting good at good goodbyes is a skill we have to adopt...we are dynamic people living dynamic lives

And sometimes...something more permanent.

and sometimes cleaning houses metaphorically, calendar-wise, and physically can make good sense.  As you come up on your next temporal landmark (New Year, birthday, anniversary, retirement, job change), take a minute to really reflect on what brings value.  Recently we had a person in our circle lose their home in a disaster and, like the Minimalists, only replaced what they "needed" instead of what they had.  In this physical sense, it became clear that they didn't need the third, fourth, or fifth TV they'd had pre-disaster that had just accumulated through trade-ups and good deals.  They didn't need the 100-shirt wardrobe that had been put together one shirt at a time.  

And...sometimes you just have to pick up 
your own saw and do work.

In your own life, take stock and measure carefully.  For us, a few years ago we were feeling the pressure of a lot of roles (volunteer, employee, consultant, etc) that weren't in line with and directly competing against our chosen roles (husband/wife, parent, provider).  Instead of evaluating our situation at the time in a "no to get to yes" fashion, we looked at it with a "baby-out-with-the-bath-water" moment and made a major change.  Through the major change, we pruned off a lot of the clutter that had quietly accumulated on our calendars.  Had we approached the whole situation with a series of awkward conversations (not needing an excuse, being unapologetically a family man), we might've pruned off items and kept some of the good parts of the status quo.  

In your life and ours, often times we just have to hop off of the treadmill that we engineered.  This could be the "hedonic treadmill" of constant consumerism and upgrading our "stuff."  It could be the treadmill of racing from one activity to another activity with kids.  Chances are, your treadmill is one that you climbed on, adjusted, and continue to choose to run (or walk) on each day.  You don't have to dive off the schedule/treadmill in dramatic fashion...you could just adjust the incline and the speed, or update the playlist.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three things that you need to say "no" to or say "goodbye" to in your life.
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Set a date and write down your exit plan to leave whatever you picked above.  
• Commit to saying "no, but" three times in the next three months to things that come up.
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Jillian Johnsrud on Resetting

- The Minimalists

Hands On

                                                Hands On

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." Aristotle 

It takes practice
to get your hands
on just the right 
treasures in life.

As we talk, a lot, about here at Family in the Arena, you've got to be in the arena, doing the thing.  We talk to our kids regularly and frequently about the importance and benefits of deliberate practice in building capacity and capability.  The essence of that practice comes from doing the thing or doing component parts of the thing often.  From a football example, you or I could watch a season marathon of every NFL, college, or local Friday Night Lights game...and not be markedly better at actually doing it by Christmas.  

Watching can help; it gives us context and creativity.  From a family perspective, you've got lots of options for what to watch...but remember the adage, "We are what we eat."  We'll change that slightly from eat to consume for our analogy.  From a family media consumption standpoint, are you watching the one-night-stand RomCom?  The womanizer conqueror lusting after a "body count?"  The dad's-only-in-it-for-a-punchline?  Ask yourself those questions.  Or, are you watching Beaver's parents, the Cleavers, or Little House on the Prairie with Ma & Pa?  (Hint: I'd guess anything with a set of main characters named Ma & Pa is probably closer to what you say you want to be like).  

Seek the good
and the 
beautiful in life.

I'm not so Pollyanna to say, "G-rated only."  Far from it...and we don't always.  I am saying, you have to monitor what goes in, proactively.  We've mentioned it before, but the amount of murders, muggings, rapes, and violent acts you consume in the "background" in a year is staggering.  That all said, when the rubber this the road when we go hands on, are we imitating Ma & Pa or the flavor-of-the-month reality star in our homes?  

To continue our football analogy, football players can practice with pads, without pads, just pants/helmets, and an associated variety of skills/combinations.  At home, do we practice getting better as spouses, as parents?  Do we practice getting better at work?  Building new skills?  Exposing ourselves to new ideas?  The idea of a football lineman taking ballet lessons to build foot speed and dexterity seems crazy at first blush...until you see the results of progress season over season.  

Sometimes it means getting messy...like the
annual no-forks spaghetti night sort of messy.

Standing in the Arena or going Hands On requires us to up our game.  It requires us to get out of our own way, to admit we may not be great, let alone perfect, and that we have room to learn/grow.  Once you've gotten the hard part...starting...out of the way, there are plenty of resources out there to help you chart a course toward the shores of better land inside your home.  Start with the crawl-walk-run strategy that we talk about in other posts...consume a book, podcast, or movie with plots/characters that are closer to who you want to become.  Pick out a thing or two that you're going to be deliberate about practicing in the next month.  Commit to that for 30 days...evaluate your progress...repeat.  

Fingerprints on the
important things in 
life matters most.

For us, my most recent "go hands on" commitment is paradoxically going hands-off on cell phones to be more present in the moment with family.  We all have seasons of life where we lean in/out...but pay attention when they persist.  Recently, I found myself going more readily to my phone in the little moments...subtly choosing and saying the shiny screen was more important than my wife or kids.  For a new season, I'm going as close to cold turkey as possible with that thing.  We won't get it all right, all the time.  With a commitment to action...we'll get it more right, more often.  

In order to fulfill the Aristotle quote we led with, you've got to go hands on...you've got to commit, with actions to get better.  Doing that consistently at home, over time, will make you better.  Without hands-on intentionality, when you look back ten years from now, you'll likely just be an older, more out-of-shape version of your past self...don't let that be the way forward.  Get introspective, get creative, get committed, get hands on.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick a role (parent, spouse, etc) and pick three things you're going to spend a month more intentionally going hands on.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Name a friend that you're going to have a hands on conversation with to help share some accountability as a partner.  
• Commit to making hands on a piece of your family meeting where you support and encourage each other with their hands on goal.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) - seasonal focus on hands on being a team sport as a family.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Definition - characterized by active personal involvement.  

- 

Sand Pile Effect

Sand Pile Effect

The idea is not to get
buried up.  

Rarely in our world do we have catastrophic or "1 root cause" crises.  Generally, those gray-sky days are a compilation of items that build up over time until they become impactful...for better or worse.  The idea is to figure out the contributing factors in a system (work, home, family, etc) and how to manage the sand piling process so that it doesn't become overwhelming and resort to catastrophic devolution.  In essence, we're trying to pay close attention to our inputs so that we can manage the system toward the desired outputs or end states.  

When we do a "post mortem" analysis or After Action Review (AAR) in the first responder world, we're looking at three things - what we intended to do, what we actually did, and any things we'd change next time.  This constant introspection into our systems helps hone the team over time and build stronger capabilities to respond in the future.  Very rarely in an incident that goes "pear-shaped" do we find that it was a single moment in time that led to the collapse...but rather, a combination of items or a firing chain, that if disrupted anywhere along the way would have probably avoided the entire bad ending.  For example, after a vehicle crash on the way back from a fire, the "5 Why's" root cause analysis looked something like this CRASH <-- DRIVER FATIGUE <--CREW REST PROCEDURES <--DEMOB PROCESS CHECKLIST NOT FOLLOWED <--CULTURE OF "HURRY IT UP."  In this example, not to excuse the driver's culpability...but in digging deeper, it became clear that we could have another one easily enough without some changes further up the "food chain" so to speak. 

Thanks to Chief Jayson Coil for the graphic

During a fire service leadership conference, our instructor who had 9 2/3 fingers from a mowing accident, and a great story talked about how this sand pile in his marriage.  In his story, he talked about what we could do to learn from his mistakes...in this case, how he woke up twenty years into marriage and realized, "he couldn't stand how she chewed her gum" - coupled with a few colorful adjectives.  Long story short, over the years, the sand grains had piled up, over and over...until there was an avalanche...this one called divorce.  

You've got to have a 
way to lower the pile.

In the first responder and military world, we talk a lot about critical incident stress management (CISM) as a way to help cope with the things that we've got to see and do when we respond has lots of family lessons we can learn from.  In CISM, one instructor described your overall chronic as something like a five-gallon bucket...through life, we pour in a spoonful/cup full/bucket of water when things happen.  If we don't have responsible/healthy ways to dump some of that water periodically, it eventually spills over the top.  I had a friend who had been a first responder for decades...seeing, hearing, and doing some crazy things over the years.  One day, she hit a bird in her car and lost it...pull-to-the-side-of-the-road-sobbing lost it.  Essentially, her bucket had filled up and spilled over.  

On a more positive example, Steve Harvey talks about the "10 more times" rule where you do something that makes $10 bucks...do it "10 more times" and you have $100.  Do that "10 more times" and you've got $1,000...do that "10 more times."  Hire some people and do that "ten more times."  The idea or principle here is a winner...have habits and small items that you stack in order to create powerful changes or outcomes.  You've seen powerful examples of folks who have grown businesses or wealth steadily over time and "have made it."  You also see others who rocket to success (think lottery winner or professional athlete) only to come crashing down financially a short time later.  The point here is, as we pour on grains of sand (good or bad grains), we have to do so strategically and intentionally.  

When we do it right, the
view is amazing!

You can do similar things in your own life.  Two obvious ones come to mind - calendar and budget.  From a schedule standpoint, we look at those little things that "ooch" in over time and contribute to a "too full" set of commitments...many of which are good things, but we don't prune (or say "no") as much as we tend to add things in.  Similarly, from a budget perspective, "get-rich-quick" tends to "over-run our base" and we get topple conditions.  Slow and steady, or at least thoughtful and proactive wins the race here (having a budget, long-term goals, intentional saving/investing targets, etc).    

Just keep
climbing

As a family, hopefully, you can take some of the principles from this post to apply to your own life...none of us want to describe our faith, family, marriage, finances, etc as an "avalanche of a disaster."  Many of us accidentally or subtly ooch toward that end of the spectrum over time...but we don't have to.  We can pay close attention to the things we're bringing into our lives and how we do life so that we can live our best lives.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things where you notice the sand pile effect taking shape in your life...assign an action that you're going to do in each part of life.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• What is something in your life you can 10x?  This year?  In the next ten years?  How are you going to do it?
• Go do one thing this evening that helps you dump out a little bit of your stress in a healthy way. 
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) as it relates to sand piles in your life.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Sand Pile Effect in Finance

Highway to the Danger Zone

Highway to the Danger Zone

"Too close for missiles,
I'm switching to guns."

Other than being a cool and catchy song for a cool and catchy movie...with a well-done sequel by the way...it's a song that should ask your family a question(s).  As a family, it's important to talk about and jointly define the danger zone, the mile markers on the highway, and whether it is a footpath, highway, or interstate.  We all can and should have defined danger zones in our different facets of life.  This "living on the edge" can feel a sexy allure to it, but, unless we've done it too long, we should feel the hair on the back of our neck telling us to back up.  

In the buckets of life (Zig's Wheel) we can define where the danger zone is and hopefully the hints or indicators along the way that give us a sign of impending doom.  From a financial perspective, the danger zone is marked by bankruptcy and financial strife.  A few of the mile markers might be arguments with your spouse, inability to pay the credit card every month, and so forth.  From a fidelity standpoint, the danger zone may look like an affair and the hints might include thinking about that old flame, looking them up on Facebook, or otherwise letting your mind and heart stray to start with.  The point is, you can, and should, sit down and outline the danger zones in your life.  You'll be more tempted or susceptible to some than others which gives you a leg up on what to avoid.  

Once in a while, the
danger zone requires
a nap...or three.

In the wildland environment, we define the "danger zone" dynamically as we move through the environment - everything from snag trees, box canyons, changes in fuel, and such.  We go so far as to have a standardized set of "10 and 18" watch-out situations to help us recognize and avoid danger zones.  Furthermore, we've got an orderly way to respond to and operate in the danger zone with LCES or Lookouts, Communications, Escape Routes, and Safety Zones.  In family life, this could mean accountability partners looking out for us (bridesmaid/best man/brother's keeper), intentional communication with your spouse, escape triggers to get you out of a situation before you're in too deep emotionally and adrenaline has taken over, and safety zones like the sanctity of the home.  

Understanding the danger
zone as a team is huge.

In the fire service and hazardous materials (HAZMAT) worlds, we categorize a scene into the hot, warm, and cold zones.  This is generally a squishy set of concentric circles around a hazard based on wind, terrain, and such.  The "danger zone" is largely synonymous with the hot zone and only trained, equipped operators go into that zone with pre-set-up communications and safety measures (e.g. rapid intervention team (RIT) to come get you out).  In the warm zone is where we likely have evacuated folks and decontamination.  From a family perspective, do you decon yourself when you leave the danger zone?  Dump the toxic stress from work on the way home?  Shut off the Facebook?  Ditch the cell phone?  In the cold zone, we've got the command post, EMS, and the "rest of the world."  

If you have a shark hat...you don't
"need no stinkin' helmets."

Pastor Andy Stanley defined some of this concept as "guard rails" (link below) where he talks about the idea of guard rails on highways to protect us from ourselves.  Much like seatbelts and bike helmets, guard rails allow us to mitigate risk, or in other words, continue to do the unsafe thing, but more safely.  Comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a whole bit on helmets in this vein.  Once we've identified our family danger zones, we can more readily identify or put in place the guard rails or safety features that help ensure we don't end up with a catastrophic outcome.  In a recent article, it talked about pornography exposure and young folks.  Guard rails could include parental controls, proactive conversations, avoiding "friend" situations that are unsupervised, and screen rules (inspection, common areas of the home, etc).  Like any danger zone, the guard rails and safety features should work in concert with our own risk management muscles to lower our exposure to hazardous, negative outcomes.   

It's always critical to have a 
great wingman!

All in all, family life is the most important thing we can do.  Certainly, we have to do things like work to provide for our family and have a social life, but all of that should come back to our Biblical calls to action of worship and family.  To that point, identifying the "danger zones" in your life, in conjunction with your spouse, can help ensure that you don't go sailing off the edge of the world without knowing it.  Like many things in life, giving power to words, defining the parameters, and measuring help us to manage those risky things.  As we've talked about before, we seldom take one tiny misstep or stumble that ends in crisis.  Rather, we often find ourselves at the bottom of a slippery slope, looking up at the cascading series of otherwise insignificant actions, that together have resulted in weighty consequences on our shoulders.  So...go enjoy the song, watch the movie...and have a proactive conversation with your loved ones about the "danger zones" in your life.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three danger zones and the first-mile marker or two that you can identify and change course if you're heading towards trouble.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Talk to "your person" as an accountability partner - ask them if they see any danger zones that you don't.
• Have a conversation with your spouse...what are the danger zones...what are the guard rails...what are the LCES that you're most concerned about.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Highway to the Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins

- Andy Stanley - Guardrails