Death In Its Many Forms

Death In Its Many Forms

Howdy gang - a bit of a downer...and paradoxically an upper topic on this round.  I'd read an article recently about the importance of estate planning for the unfortunate reality of untimely death, especially if you're a parent.  Having come from a career in and around crisis management, the fact that life is fragile and sometimes shorter than we'd otherwise like it to be is a sad fact.  As you can guess, between FIRE for Adventure and Plan Fam, we've got a take on estate planning and its importance...but not today.  

Stop and smell the flowers (and pick a
few for your loved ones) before you 
become one...

Today, we'd like to discuss the forms of death that are out there in our midst.  There's obviously the very real, clinical/physical death where your heart stops beating and we return you, dust to dust and ashes to ashes back to the earth (on an aside, here's a fun way to think about a tough topic from a cowboy's perspective).  Anyhow, I think most of us can get our heads around that sort of death, as it is the reality for each of us at some point in the future, right along with taxes.  There's an old saying about how "everyone dies, not everyone lives" and in that vein, I'd argue that you can die in other ways...spiritually, mentally, through marriage, your general well-being, etc.  

It has been said that "you're either growing or decaying" and for some of us, we slip in our growth and without some course correction, much like the proverbial frog in boiling water, we continue to decline until that part of us is dead.  Take, for example, a friend who I'd recently been chatting with about his walk in faith and spirituality.  What started as a busier schedule after a job shift and a new baby became an excuse to invest Sunday mornings outside of his church (that he historically attended faithfully).  Soon enough, that short season became more habitual, and before long what had started as temporary took on an air of more permanence.  This is far from saying or equating faithfulness/spiritual/etc with "having to worship in a church" - I for one, feel much closer to God out in nature than I do in the four walls with my several hundred closest friends.  The point here is, that the slippery slope of losing his routine, over time led him further and further away from who he was, who he'd said he wanted to be, and how he desired to lead their family.  By the time we chatted, this once spiritually alive, even on-fire friend, admitted that his faith was at best on life support.  

Don't let the "doing" of whatever passion
you have slip away.

In another case, a person close to me, over the years slipped from being an avid outdoorsman, adventurer, and hunter/fisherman.  Somewhere along the way, the convergence of convenience/comfort (big screen TV, Lazy-Boy chair, etc) intersected with the natural state of being a little stiffer and sorer as we all get older.  Slowly, he became the guy who watched fishing shows on television instead of the guy who went fishing.  What started out as a subconscious few steps again took on the habitual ruts until in a few short years he, no longer could go fishing.  He'd lost the physical ability to get out the door...his overall well-being and physical fitness/health declined so much that while he was still breathing, he'd suffered a sort of physical death.  

We all have those cold winter
days in life, sometimes we just
need a spark to get back in
the saddle and keep moving 
down the trail.  

It is a sad, heartbreaking, and tragic state when we lose more first responders each year to suicide (or
otherwise deaths of despair) each year than "on the job."  I've unfortunately had a few people close to me who chose that as a way to end it all.  In hindsight, the "fire in the belly" sort of life had slipped far before they took matters into their own hands.  In other words, they were, in many ways, gone before they were gone.  Mentally, before their passing, they'd lost the spark for life and the deed was just a punctuation on an otherwise already checked-out life.  They'd mentally given up somewhere along the way as the weight of the world became too much and they'd "seen too much" to continue the journey.  

In our last example, all of us, unfortunately, have seen people in our circles whose marriages began to dissolve until they ultimately died - either resulting in divorce or a quiet life as a roommate under the same roof.  Chances are, the marriage didn't just have a "heart attack" one day and pass suddenly but rather, likely followed a slow and steady dying where the couple had grown apart until one day they realized the once "us" had died somewhere along the way and they called the "roommate game" quits with an official divorce decree.  

Some cuts are more
productive than 
others. 

With each of those examples and others, they were largely deaths of a thousand cuts, they took time to set in, not just overnight.  In part, all of us slide back and forth on the healthy-as-a-horse to barely-breathing continuum across all of the facets of our lives over time.  The good news is that we can put in checks (systems, or partners) to help us evaluate our various selves over time and course correct.  I'm far from telling you that any of those "deaths" are wholly preventable if you just have a positive attitude.  That's a Pollyanna platitude that's overly simplified and likely out of touch with reality.  

That said, for me, for many of us, those voices in our heads speak the language of excuses.  The secret, I've found, is to have some sort of system or trigger points in place that alert us when we start down the paths we fear.  We talk more about the idea of trigger points and management action points in other posts.  The point is, proactively, we can set up some systems that help alert us when we're starting into failing health in a particular area.  The old terms "brothers-keeper" or the more modern "best man" concept at a wedding is more than a party-toasting-bro, but someone who will tell you what you need to hear along the way, not what you want to hear.  Sometimes, maybe oftentimes, those around us notice when we're "off" far better than we do ourselves and can help alert us for some course correction.  We need to seek out those in our circle (and commit to being that person for those around us) and empower them to tell us what we need to hear...before it's too late. 

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick an area of your life where you've noticed that "slippage" is occurring.  Write down three actions you're going to do in the next month to slow or reverse the course (e.g. if you notice you're packing on the pounds, the three could be that you'll do monthly weigh-ins and chart the results, do proactive meal planning, and start parking at the back of the parking lot to get some steps).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Sit down with your spouse (and perhaps kids in another session) and have a meaningful, intentional conversation about any places where you're dying or have died.  Make a commitment to mitigate (and hopefully reverse) the damage done.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to turning the ship around before it's too late in the key parts of your life.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Ten Stages of a Dying Marriage - patterns are predictive and predictable is preventable.  

Train Yourself First

Train Yourself First

Many times in our lives, training ourselves is the first step to training others.  That sounds like, "No, duh, next article please," but hear me out.  We talk in first responder (or military) training that your body can't go where your mind has never been.  You've likely heard of visualization as a technique of high-performance athletes as they mentally walk through the upcoming event to truly see it in their minds.  You also probably have heard anything we create is first created in the mind, then with the hands (applies to both good and negative - e.g. an affair).  Also, training yourself first can become a catalyst to a habit, which, as we all likely know, can be life-changing in their daily implementation.  Lastly, there is research around the idea that true mastery comes when you begin teaching the concept.  

Sometimes when you
have an itch...you 
just have to scratch...
and scratch...
and scratch some more.

We've got many friends who excuse away inaction with little ones like, "When they turn ABC, then I'll do, 123."  We have seen this apply to various facets of life - reading, hiking, camping, whatever pursuits you did pre-kids.  We've also heard many people say, "If I had a million dollars, I'd do XYZ." You have a little bit of a million bucks, so what little bit of your XYZ dream are you doing today? In training ourselves, we often have to first get our heads around the fact that almost everything in life is far more possible than we believe it to be.  We also have to come to the reality or acceptance that we're in control and we get to choose.  Just because a colleague decided they couldn't take their tiny tots climbing anymore has no bearing on your ability to do so with your tiny tots. 

When our boys were tiny, even in the womb, in fact, we started reading to them, going hiking with them, road-tripping with them, and...fill-in-the-blank with them.  This wasn't for them.  In fact, some of those early adventures were probably even a pain in the neck for them and for us.  But, slowly, and bit by bit, we ended up training ourselves and now over time, our family culture has ingrained in them the things we hold dear.  They truly embody and identify themselves (our boys) as workers, readers, learners, adventurers, etc.  In those early years, despite our kids and the additional logistical burdens/hurdles that are required to undertake big things, we started training ourselves.  Now, we're seeing the results and rewards of our family in a constant state of becoming and evolving toward stated intentional outcomes through deliberate and planned activities.  

Most of this journey 
is making an ember
of a spark and then
getting out of the 
way.

Pick a spot to anchor in and start.  Try reading Dr. Suess to your pregnant wife's tummy...see how silly you feel.  Do that enough times and you'll be shocked that 1+1=2 and when your baby pops out they're soothed at the sound of your voice?  Practice reading Cat in the Hat or others enough times and you've developed the right inflections and accents to turn it from a simple recitation to a theatrical production.  Do that enough times to keep the kids' interest and soon you'll have kids who love reading.  The domino train continues...have kids that love reading and soon they'll fight through the tough "A says Ahhh" phase to crack the code and be readers.  Read enough and soon you'll be able to learn anything you want.  Learn anything you want and soon you can be exposed to doing whatever you want.  Extrapolate this out and greatness was planted with a few little seeds that started with us teaching ourselves first.

We'll talk to other families with little kids and they tell us, "Man, I wish our kids could do XYZ."  As we talk through, likely, how simple XYZ is with consistent, small actions over time, and more often than not, we get, "Nah, I/we could never do that."  We're conditioned to look for the get-rich-quick recipe...not the 20 minutes every day, day in and day out.  We had to condition ourselves first before we could condition and build a culture for our kids and our family.  The chicken did have to come before the egg.  Like exercising, one big blast of 1,000 pushups this afternoon (if even possible) isn't something that actually makes you much stronger.  25 a day for 100 days...now we're talking habits and meaningful, sustained change over time.  

Similarly, in our early years of marriage, we both traveled a lot...both of us hit all of the lower 48 states, most for a second or third time, shortly before getting married, and ended up going to Hawaii not long after getting hitched.  Heck, one time we drove 1,161 miles each way to Portland, OR on a three-day weekend to get donuts.  To say we value travel and adventure would be an understatement.  When we had kids, those in our circle told us to say adios to those freewheeling travel days...kids and travel did not mix, we heard over and over.  We'd trained ourselves first in how to travel and be adventurous.  Now we had a choice...give it all up or teach ourselves how to share it.  

A car seat kid headed to a Black Hills camp
out...in rent-a-car style.

With our oldest child, we did quite a bit of traveling, learning how to stick a pack-and-play, car seat, diaper bag, etc into a rental car.  With our youngest, 19 months later, we were on the road to a regional circus trip 11 days after he popped out into the world.  Both had hit all lower 48 states with countless cultural interactions by the time they were out of diapers...for the first time (hitting the states that is, not diapers).  

We're now a few years down the road, having trained us first, then the boys, and, as a family, we've got tens of thousands of miles under our road-tripping belts, dozens-upon-dozens of zoos, museums, science centers, nature centers, state parks, national parks, beaches, mountains, and about everything else in between with a six and four-year-old set of boys.  Throughout those amazing years, we've been told time and again, "It's impossible to travel," "It's certainly impossible to travel without plugging them into electronic devices," and so forth.  In all those thousands upon thousands of miles, we've not given into the siren song of screens once.  

I don't want you to miss the forest for the trees here...or hear "that's so Amish," or tune out in a holier than thou trumpet moment.  What I want to emphasize is that anything is possible...for us...for you...for anyone when they put their mind to it.  Recently, we were chatting with a family friend a few years "behind us" in the timeline as they were expecting their first.  She was talking about how they don't want to do screens (as a babysitter) but, "you know, everyone's doing it...I'm just not sure you could do it without anymore."  Before the baby is even here, they're already excusing away their ability to hold the course.  This is the same friend who we've talked to over the years about the pioneers and Oregon Trail...think they had the latest Nintendo DS and climate control on that journey?  

Stop to spot the wildlife, then
talk about it for the next
50 miles.

If you believe in something (e.g. no screen travel in this case) as a value you're trying to instill in your family, first, you teach yourselves, then your kids, then your circle.  Set the rules and set yourself up for success.  On our trips, it's not 10,000 miles of the sound of the wind.  We've listened to countless audiobooks, talked/Q&A about everything under the sun, read out loud, done probably just north of a million Lego creations, activity books, eye-spy (etc), sung songs, picked and de-kernelled corn (not sure that's a word...but if you need some corn, let us know), etc.  All of these are certainly "less easy/messy/time-consuming/etc" than plugging the kids into a portable DVD player and unplugging them when you get to where you're going.  That said, all of these activities are also more enriching than Dora the Explorer.

The point here is...and don't miss it...if you have a conviction you believe in...stick to it.  For us, the value of everything not-screen outweighed the mindless zombie A/V babysitter...we just had to train ourselves first.  For you, it could be whatever else and we end up excusing away our convictions.  Pick something, teach yourself (e.g. learn the thing, but more importantly, get whatever it is into your comfort zone), then repeat and teach it to others.  We've talked about travel and adventure...but the same principle, teach yourself first, can easily apply to items at work, personal finance, and whatever else is in your circle.  Once you've got it entrenched into who you are, you can reinforce and share it with others in your circle.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick a couple of items in your life where you can "train yourself" so you (and those around you can live their best lives)...singing, dancing, etc...start with something that makes you feel self-conscious and silly...but brings a smile to your inner circle.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Sit down with your family and look at your mission/vision/values...then take a moment to figure out what small things you can do that those around you may say is impossible.  Figure out how you'll overcome those obstacles.  Then, just go do it, (it doesn't have to be more complicated than that).  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in training yourself first...then training those around you.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Toadstools & Fair Dust - It only takes 7 minutes

Protector Parenting - the six inches between their ears

Protector Parenting - The Six Inches Between Their Ears

We so often fall into the tempting trap as protector parents to physically build castles and walls to hold the hordes back from our kids...rightfully so.  But, like the Great Wall of China, we let in the enemy when they show up with a compelling ask at the gate.  Hopefully, your compelling ask isn't a horde of mad Mongolians pointing an arrow at your heart, but honestly ask yourself if we let them past our wall today, just like yesteryear.  Chances are, for most of us, the threat of the boogeyman, statistically is an impossibility in modern-day America.  At the same time, we take the toxic faucet (actually fire hose) of friends, peers, media, etc, and pour it into our kid's minds...those fragile and sacred six inches between their ears through unplanned peer interactions and social media.  

Never hurts to have 
a superhero on your 
team!

There have been multiple studies out there with the exact numbers but take a minute to consider yourmedia consumption (reading, social media, video games, big screen, etc), what are you bathing your mind in every day?  The minds of your kids?  By the time your kids are 2, 4, 8, 12, 16, or 20 years old, how many assaults, sex acts, murders, cuss words, etc have they witnessed?  How many have you today, this week, this month, this year?  When we think about the old quote "You're the average of your six closest people" concept, how many of "those people" are strangers on the screen today?  

Can you follow that 
advanced teaching?

Mrs. P is a teacher and I can't tell you how many times she's had young kids (early elementary) tell her, "I'm mature, my parents let me play MA video games," or one recently, "I know everything about sex, there's nothing I don't know at this point."  As a parent, is that a pat-yourself-on-your-woke-back moment when a third grader gives a lecture on their sex knowledge to another adult?  How fast have we lost our innocence, co-opted our childhoods, and raced to "grow up" in recent years?  At what expense do these "fast-track" moments come?  How often, gone are the days of the awkward birds-and-bees conversation with a parent being hijacked by internet porn on their own or in a conversation with their elementary school peers?  

I'm not trying to be a prude here, I get (or will sadly admit that it's a new era), but I won't admit it's necessarily a better era.  I'm arguing that we often, as Alpha Males, think of all the what-if scenarios where you can whip out your James Bond EDC gadgets to slay the ninjas...but also let our toddler be immersed in Call of Duty or whatever other video game or TV show.  Keep in mind, it was not that long ago the "First Person Shooter" game concept was built as a way to help troops heading overseas become desensitized to taking human life as a training lead-up.  Is your pre-schooler heading to "the Nam" next year or the elementary school down the street?  In The New Good Life by John Robbins, "the average child in the United States at eighteen has seen 200,000 dramatized acts of violence, including 40,000 dramatized murders."  Still don't believe that violence doesn't wear off and influence kids?  How can you consume 40,000 murders and not become acclimated to it and see it as normalized?  

Consume media as a 
family...popcorn helps.

While you're thinking about your kids for a minute, also think about yourself.  Are you consuming the content that moves you closer to who you aspire to be as a spouse, parent, or citizen?  How much of what we watch desensitizes us to bad outcomes?  Talk to someone whose marriage was crushed from infidelity, I doubt the offender went along happily until they tripped and fell into someone else's bed while walking down the street.  More likely it was a "death of a thousand cuts" as, over time, they became more desensitized or open to the idea of cheating through media consumption - SitComs that highlight the one-night stand, apps that promote the hookup culture, social media that puts you on the 50-yard line of an old flame's life.  

There's a homeschool curriculum company called The Good and The Beautiful, it got me thinking...how much do we pour into our kids' heads, our spouses, or our own that would meet that definition?  If you had a set of labeled buckets that you poured all of your "consumption" into, what would the biggest buckets be called?  Take a few minutes to inventory "those" closest to you and your young children - are they pouring into who you want to be or pulling you further away?  Hopefully, your race through parenthood has a finish line marked by a prepared young adult who is ready to meet the world they face and all the challenges.  Remember, you're raising someone's future husband or wife in your home and someone out there is raising your child's spouse...act accordingly.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails! 

Call to Action: 

• Make a list of three top "influencers" in your life and objectively decide if you need to make a change (Social Media, Youtube, Hollywood Action Flick, Pastor, Mentor, Spouse)
• 1 - ___________________
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• For a week, do a "work time study" on your media consumption - just a quick tally mark by the bucket of what you saw, heard, etc - suggestive, wholesome, violent, beautiful, and such.  See if there are any surprises.  
• Do the same "work time study" for your children - is what they're consuming in the direction of your stated values and desired end state for them?  
• Commit to taking one small action today that moves you closer to one of your above-listed outcomes (screen tokens, parental controls, cutting out certain mediums)
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Focus on the Family - https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/the-influence-of-media/ 

Protector Parenting - Teaching Your Loved Ones

Protector Parenting - Teaching Your Loved Ones

For the "alphas" out there we may train in a variety of self-defense topics - martial arts, firearms, or whatever else that makes you a ninja.  In most cases, these sorts of folks tend to be the ones that imagine they'll always be there for their loved ones should trouble come to visit.  In reality, unless you're with those you love 24/7, there will be many times that these loved ones need to be self-sufficient.  If you've got kids, you hope that they'll have most of their lives out with their own families, not under your wing.  Similarly, if you're the "big dog" the chances of "someone behaving badly" with you there are probably much slimmer than them behaving badly when your wife/kids/etc are by themselves.  

If you call for a 
firefighter, ask for 
one with shoes.  

This isn't to say that you should load your toddler up with their own plate carrier, gas mask, and AR with custom firing lanes from their nursery.  It does mean that you need to have serious, intentional, and proactive conversations with them regarding the various threats and hazards they may interact with.  This is a repetitive process as your kids grow to help keep age-appropriate examples and top-of-mind level awareness.  The teaching conversations shouldn't be fear based where they begin to believe there are boogeymen and monsters everywhere which leads to paranoia.  It should be empowering based and targeted around the real threats they may more likely encounter.  

A few important principles in teaching your loved ones, particularly your loved ones is to start with a threat/hazard risk analysis.  Largely, no point in taking hurricanes if you live far inland, or super violent encounters if you live out in the boonies.  Not to say that things can't happen anywhere, but really look at statistics and focus your training on the "gray rhinos" instead of the "black swans."  In other words, focus your efforts on the statistically likely encounters and keep your response actions broad enough to be widely applicable to many hazards.  

As you're working through your training program, consider the things that are more likely to happen as well as those with high consequences.  This combination of factors helps you prioritize what you'll likely need to focus on.  For example, the boogeyman, non-custodial abduction is a near 0% chance of occurring as compared to a child getting lost at the store.  In both cases, we can talk, not about "stranger-danger" which approaches the topic from a fear-based and secretive perspective, but rather in identifying "helpers."  Helpers could be folks in uniform, have name tags, or other moms with small children with them.  Teach and practice breaking down the fear barriers of approaching those helpers in routine encounters so that the first time they may have to do so, isn't when they're already running high on adrenaline and fear because they look up and can't spot you.  Role-play and practice this concept.  Give them several tools for getting attention - a polite Q&A approach, a scream at the top of your lungs "I need help" permission or something else that makes sense for you that they can load into their toolbox and later discern what to use if an emergency arises.  

Once you start teaching, focus on those cross-cutting basics like situational awareness, alert & warning, evacuation, shelter-in-place, and such.  The idea here is to build a wide-based toolbox that your loved ones can access when trouble arises with appropriate tools.  The idea isn't to build ninjas...the idea is to help grow intelligent, self-reliant folks who can manage the world around them.  

Seek opportunities to practice component skills.

An important part of teaching and learning is to gamify the situation and information.  For example, with situational awareness, you can turn it into a game with your kids that when you go to new places, have them seek out exits, help them to notice things "off of baseline," or turn it into a game of "who can notice the new things" in scavenger hunt fashion.  Kim's Game from Rudyard Kipling is a great example of how you can add some gamesmanship to a topic.  The idea here is to build their "powers of paying attention" muscles through routine use so that they can focus them on a particular target when needed later (i.e. finding a helper if they're lost).  

With any skill, you want to develop or maintain, deliberate practice is the mechanism to get it done.  By using the crawl-walk-run approach we can talk about something like a fire drill/evacuating the house.  We can then practice it at low speed/low stress to get the mechanics and the warning signs down.  Then, over time we can escalate the stress and context to work with our kids to practice it in new ways that reinforce prior learning.  Ultimately, we can exercise it to help them be empowered to take action independently and on their own through scenario-based exercise scenarios.  

Ultimately, aim for resilience and keep it fun 
along the way.

Lastly, consider doing some family learning opportunities where you are all vulnerable and learn together.  This could be taking a martial arts class, going camping, taking a class on HAM radio, doing first aid training, or something else that makes you all generally more prepared and shows that learning is a lifelong process, not a destination.  The idea here is that you won't (possibly or maybe even likely) be with your loved one when "the test" comes to pass in an emergency.  Building a family that is capable of responding individually is critical.  If a dangerous situation ever comes to pass for you, hopefully, you see it from a mile away through your crosshairs in an overwatch position or can call in an air strike...just in case that's not the reality, make sure you train those you love to be able to handle their business.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Talk about the three most likely items that may impact your family negatively.  Brainstorm three courses of action (with your loved ones) for each of the three possible hazards.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Commit to a crawl-walk-run training/exercise regime on your biggest threat/hazard.  This should culminate in a scenario-based exercise that leaves your loved one feeling successful and empowered.  
• If age-appropriate, practice calling 911, talking to strangers, asking for help, recognizing an emerging issue, and working through some potential responses.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Family Safety Night - https://www.zeroabuseproject.org/victim-assistance/jwrc/keep-kids-safe/family-safety-night/

- How to Prepare for Everything, Aaron Titus - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=invVSKqMc-o

- Left of Bang - https://www.amazon.com/Left-Bang-Marine-Combat-Program/dp/1936891301