Opposites

Opposites

The opposite of light is 
shadow.

In most parts of life, despite what social media or our politicians say, we don't have opposites; we have continuums.  When we put two things as diametrical opposites in our framing, it also changes the way we see our options in a particular scenario.  For example, when we say "Do you like A or B?" by asking the question that way, we inherently eliminate our creative mind being able to say, "actually, I was thinking C or D."  Our restriction in language can cause us to restrict our full range of options that we have available.  In a finance example, when we frame (could be verbally or just in our heads), "should I buy a new car or should I go on vacation?" it inherently takes "or should I invest for my future by paying down debt" off the table.  

Same
but
different.

I noticed the other day, and we've talked about it here before, that words matter.  When we look at the word selection in terms of an opposite, it can help us better frame or right-size our words.  The other day, a friend was talking about a colleague and had used the word "hate."  That's a pretty powerful word...and by using it, it colors the rest of our interactions...and pollutes the well for other people.  In this example, the "I hate so and so," my view of the person in question was colored for the day.  I thought of and saw them in a different light based on my friend's characterization.  Think about your "hate bucket" - what rises to the level of entry to that category?  Child abusers, Nazis, pineapple on pizza?  The point is that it should be rare air.

On land...or in the water we can
look at the other side.  

Chances are, my friend's assessment wasn't actually hate; they wouldn't swerve their car out of the way to hit the colleague in a crosswalk.  There were several characteristics of the colleague that my friend didn't appreciate or agree with...but hate?   Unpacking this idea, what's the opposite of hate?  Love perhaps?  In this example, flipping hate for love...that's not the right word either...neither, I, nor my friend, looking through the opposite lens would consider love of the colleague.  To say it differently, would I say that I "love" my favorite colleagues?  Probably not.  I've got some great people I work with...but they're not in the same bucket as my family.  

Different isn't a value judgement.

Another way to think about opposites this week is when you are at odds with a family member or co-worker who is taking the "other" side of an argument.  Often, we pin someone in opposition as the diametrical opposite of us.  In reality, chances are, on most any issue or topic, when we take the time to unpack the whole story with context, we probably agree on 80%.  We're each just stuck on our own stubborn 10% pieces at the extreme ends.  When we take time, in the moment, to consider not the whole of an argument but rather the other person's 10%...chances are we can find a compromise or consensus.  This can only happen, however, when we're willing to think about...and converse on the opposite side of our initial thought.  

Strengths
complement.

When we look at our word choice, it's important to think about and be intentional with the word selection.  We've talked about cheapening words like "love" - ice cream, Snickers, and my wife are not in the same category.  But...when we continually equate them in our words...soon...they can be conflated in our thoughts, hearts, and deeds.  Sometimes our segmenting and word selection can be helped with the opposite lens.  When we split things into a continuum or Likert scale of hate, really dislike, okay, like, love, or even more granular, we can better select our sweet spot.  This isn't to say you do a deep dive analysis on each word choice of the day.  But...on the big things, getting very precise on words leads to better outcomes.  

Sometimes changing our 
vantage or paradigm shows
something different.

For example, if I say I hate our current life...my options probably look more scorched earth in nature - move across the country, change jobs, switch spouses - blow everything up and start over in mid-life crisis style.  If, instead, I get more precise with my language and bounce things off the opposite lens, my options and solutions hone in a bit.  In part, one big high or one big low in a system can act with gravity that sucks everything else in deeper.  If I get to the point I'm so frustrated at my job that I convince myself anything is better...that can be a slippery slope to the other parts of my life.  If, instead, I get precise on "I strongly dislike these parts of my job," I can apply action to fix those specific parts.  It's like surgery with a laser vs dynamite or a chainsaw.  

Sometimes the opposite is in time or space...or 
something otherwise unexpected. 

As we look to wrap up, let's take a look at picking the more subtle words as opposites.  If I'm feeling
complacent...what's the other side of that coin?  Engaged?  Interested?  Aware?  Passionate?  Depending on how we answer the question, it hints at our solution to become "not complacent."  Do I need to pay more attention?  Or do I need to become more fired up?  Often it's a little bit of both, but by asking the questions, we dial in.  Is my wife looking for me to take notes while we talk or take her on a weekend outing?  The first step is figuring out or recognizing that you've got a problem...but perhaps our second step should be digging out a Thesaurus before we start applying action or investing resources.  Take a moment this week before responding to frame your potential response with the other side of the coin.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three opposite things that jump out at you this week - try to get one from different buckets of life (work, school, parenting, spouse, etc).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of considering your words and deeds.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- From Wikipedia "In lexical semantics, opposites are words lying in an inherently incompatible binary relationship. For example, something that is even entails that it is not odd. It is referred to as a 'binary' relationship because there are two members in a set of opposites. The relationship between opposites is known as opposition. A member of a pair of opposites can generally be determined by the question: "What is the opposite of X?"