Starfish

Starfish

Pick one.  Get 
started.

There is an old story about a person walking along the beach and finding a starfish that has washed up.  As it turns out, the more the person looks, the more starfish there are that are washed up.  A person comes by and is slowly bending over to pick up one starfish and toss it back...then another...and another.  But...even with the ones the person is tossing back, there are dozens, maybe hundreds more.  As the two people chat about the futility of not being able to save all, the person who was picking them up says, "But I can save this one," and tosses another one back into the ocean.  That story has been told for many years, and with several morals to the story.  Today, the take I wanted to share with you is that we shouldn't give up before we get started.  

Starfish
are right in
front of you.

Too often in our modern lives, we quit before we start.  This isn't to say that we shouldn't ever walk away from something at some point...but we shouldn't do it as quick as we often do.  As we break this down in some of the aspects of our lives, we can "save the starfish" when it comes to our calendar, budget, attention, etc.  For example, if we're feeling stressed and overwhelmed with our schedule...we can start cleaning it up and getting to "peace" in our calendar by making one small, starfish-sized change at a time.  Say "no" to key activities, finish your commitments, and don't renew, skip the sign-up for one more good thing volunteer activity.  

Just look 
for them.

When it comes to finance, it's easy to look at a tough situation that we've created and feel overwhelmed.  We may be staring a large debt burden in the face and think that there is no way we can even get started.  Too many people look at their situation and then put their heads back in the sand with the "if we avoid it, it'll go away" mentality.  Instead, we can start with little, individual actions that add up.  Cancel that subscription, start packing your lunch, shop at yard sales, get a part-time job, and so forth.  Each of those small activities is a starfish, and before you know it...one by one...those activities add up until we look back and have made real progress.  

One donut...great.
50...not great.

Similarly, when it comes to our health, we can commit to a few small changes or actions that can be the starfish that make a difference.  Commit to an after-dinner walk, shop on the outside of the store (not the aisle with processed food), avoid the extra donut, get your annual physical, wear your seatbelt, etc.  The small actions compound and complement each other.  If we keep doing these small, individual things, they get a momentum and contagion to themselves to move us forward.  When we look back at age 60, 70, 80, 90...those starfish decisions at 20, 30, 40, 50 pay off in the form of health and mobility.  On the flip side...don't do enough of those things long enough...and you can forget about 60, 70, 80, 90.  

Margin matters.

The starfish of our marriage and parenting may look like devoting our attention to our loved ones...in the moment.  When you think about checking that one more email from work instead of getting down on the floor with your kids to read or wrestle or have a tea party or whatever...it made a difference to that one kid.  Similar to the others, the more of those starfish moments we get right, the more we make deposits in our relationship bank accounts that allow us to have the capital when we need to do a withdrawal down the road.  Our loved ones will give us a lot of grace...but if we consistently step over their starfish...they'll run out of patience eventually.  

Starfish
are all around
you if you look.

As we depart...even if you can't save every one of the proverbial starfish in your world...this afternoon...you can save the one right in front of you...and the one right after that.  Repeat those small wins in the moment over time, habitually, and chances are, life turns out pretty alright.  On the flip side, ignore too many of those starfish, which may seem insignificant in the moment, and we end up with a pretty shallow, uncomfortable, and lonely existence.  This week, the challenge is to go out of your way to look for...and actually see...the starfish that are around you in everyday life...then pick that one up...because each one matters.  Don't quit before you start.  Every mountain climber or marathoner reached the end only because they got past the start.    

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three starfish moments that you've been ignoring in your life...and stoop to pick them up this week.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of setting up systems that prioritize the small moments that really matter.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- The Starfish Story

Opposites

Opposites

The opposite of light is 
shadow.

In most parts of life, despite what social media or our politicians say, we don't have opposites; we have continuums.  When we put two things as diametrical opposites in our framing, it also changes the way we see our options in a particular scenario.  For example, when we say "Do you like A or B?" by asking the question that way, we inherently eliminate our creative mind being able to say, "actually, I was thinking C or D."  Our restriction in language can cause us to restrict our full range of options that we have available.  In a finance example, when we frame (could be verbally or just in our heads), "should I buy a new car or should I go on vacation?" it inherently takes "or should I invest for my future by paying down debt" off the table.  

Same
but
different.

I noticed the other day, and we've talked about it here before, that words matter.  When we look at the word selection in terms of an opposite, it can help us better frame or right-size our words.  The other day, a friend was talking about a colleague and had used the word "hate."  That's a pretty powerful word...and by using it, it colors the rest of our interactions...and pollutes the well for other people.  In this example, the "I hate so and so," my view of the person in question was colored for the day.  I thought of and saw them in a different light based on my friend's characterization.  Think about your "hate bucket" - what rises to the level of entry to that category?  Child abusers, Nazis, pineapple on pizza?  The point is that it should be rare air.

On land...or in the water we can
look at the other side.  

Chances are, my friend's assessment wasn't actually hate; they wouldn't swerve their car out of the way to hit the colleague in a crosswalk.  There were several characteristics of the colleague that my friend didn't appreciate or agree with...but hate?   Unpacking this idea, what's the opposite of hate?  Love perhaps?  In this example, flipping hate for love...that's not the right word either...neither, I, nor my friend, looking through the opposite lens would consider love of the colleague.  To say it differently, would I say that I "love" my favorite colleagues?  Probably not.  I've got some great people I work with...but they're not in the same bucket as my family.  

Different isn't a value judgement.

Another way to think about opposites this week is when you are at odds with a family member or co-worker who is taking the "other" side of an argument.  Often, we pin someone in opposition as the diametrical opposite of us.  In reality, chances are, on most any issue or topic, when we take the time to unpack the whole story with context, we probably agree on 80%.  We're each just stuck on our own stubborn 10% pieces at the extreme ends.  When we take time, in the moment, to consider not the whole of an argument but rather the other person's 10%...chances are we can find a compromise or consensus.  This can only happen, however, when we're willing to think about...and converse on the opposite side of our initial thought.  

Strengths
complement.

When we look at our word choice, it's important to think about and be intentional with the word selection.  We've talked about cheapening words like "love" - ice cream, Snickers, and my wife are not in the same category.  But...when we continually equate them in our words...soon...they can be conflated in our thoughts, hearts, and deeds.  Sometimes our segmenting and word selection can be helped with the opposite lens.  When we split things into a continuum or Likert scale of hate, really dislike, okay, like, love, or even more granular, we can better select our sweet spot.  This isn't to say you do a deep dive analysis on each word choice of the day.  But...on the big things, getting very precise on words leads to better outcomes.  

Sometimes changing our 
vantage or paradigm shows
something different.

For example, if I say I hate our current life...my options probably look more scorched earth in nature - move across the country, change jobs, switch spouses - blow everything up and start over in mid-life crisis style.  If, instead, I get more precise with my language and bounce things off the opposite lens, my options and solutions hone in a bit.  In part, one big high or one big low in a system can act with gravity that sucks everything else in deeper.  If I get to the point I'm so frustrated at my job that I convince myself anything is better...that can be a slippery slope to the other parts of my life.  If, instead, I get precise on "I strongly dislike these parts of my job," I can apply action to fix those specific parts.  It's like surgery with a laser vs dynamite or a chainsaw.  

Sometimes the opposite is in time or space...or 
something otherwise unexpected. 

As we look to wrap up, let's take a look at picking the more subtle words as opposites.  If I'm feeling
complacent...what's the other side of that coin?  Engaged?  Interested?  Aware?  Passionate?  Depending on how we answer the question, it hints at our solution to become "not complacent."  Do I need to pay more attention?  Or do I need to become more fired up?  Often it's a little bit of both, but by asking the questions, we dial in.  Is my wife looking for me to take notes while we talk or take her on a weekend outing?  The first step is figuring out or recognizing that you've got a problem...but perhaps our second step should be digging out a Thesaurus before we start applying action or investing resources.  Take a moment this week before responding to frame your potential response with the other side of the coin.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three opposite things that jump out at you this week - try to get one from different buckets of life (work, school, parenting, spouse, etc).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of considering your words and deeds.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- From Wikipedia "In lexical semantics, opposites are words lying in an inherently incompatible binary relationship. For example, something that is even entails that it is not odd. It is referred to as a 'binary' relationship because there are two members in a set of opposites. The relationship between opposites is known as opposition. A member of a pair of opposites can generally be determined by the question: "What is the opposite of X?"

No Man's Land

No Man's Land

Our tar pit is probably
bigger in our head than 
in real life. 

Tony Robbins talks about the zone where you're not really happy...but you're not so unhappy to do anything about it.  It's the zone where we get complacent and hang out.  It's the place where the water increases enough in temperature that suddenly the proverbial frog is boiling, and we make a snap decision that we'll likely regret.  We've had several different conversations recently where folks in our circle summed everything up with "this just isn't how I thought life would turn out."  They were (are) stuck in the "no man's land" (gender neutral here) where they aren't content....but feel trapped in enough comfort not to do anything about it.  The delta between what the dreams were and the reality can be is the "no man's land."  

Right size and reorient
your problem.  Vantage 
points can change 
everything.

When we look at our "no man's land" across the facets of our lives, it's important to look carefully at each section of life in terms of our comfort, peace of mind, and contentment.  When we get stuck in a "no man's land" in one particular facet of our lives, it has a tendency to spill over or be contagious to other parts of life as well.  Let's say we're in a job that has the so-called golden handcuffs, where we don't "love" it, but it takes care of most of our needs.  For some time, we can slog through the proverbial trenches, but our soul or luster can wane as the job wears us down.  This isn't to say, "grow your hair out, quit your job and buy a llama," but it may be to say that you're not as stuck as you think you are.  

Find your 
anchor so you
can pivot.

We've had folks in our circles who have figured out how to "make it work" when it comes to changing jobs.  In a few cases, we've had folks who made fairly major family-level life changes in order to reset.  In several cases, their job change resulted in a whole lifestyle improvement.  In a couple of cases where the "big switch" didn't land well, they were able to move back and make it work.  The point is, we often talk ourselves into staying in the "no man's land" more than necessary.  When it comes to our careers, it is important to find a balance that works with the rest of our lives.  We are called to provide for our families...but it's important not to do so at the expense of the rest of our lives.  Our route to success is often circuitous, and chances are...you'll make it work.  Sometimes the best things in life follow right on the heels of the slammed doors...the point here is...don't be so afraid that the door may slam that you never reach for the handle.  

Sometimes you just have to
accept the mud and hike
across to the other side.

If you're stuck in the "no man's land" of a career, the first step is to spend some introspective time seeking to understand the underlying issues.  Often, you don't dislike the whole job.  There are probably a few "burrs under your saddle" that are causing the strife.  If you can isolate those particular issues, chances are you can apply some action to reduce those particular pain points...instead of blowing up the whole thing by playing the old Take This Job And Shove It.  It could be that you work on an alternate schedule, new projects, take a class, build a new skill, consider asking to switch supervisors, or inject some work-from-home into your routine.  Often, it doesn't require a scorched-earth style exodus.  But, after evaluating the situation, if it's time to make a big change to reinvent yourself...it's probably easier now than ever before.  I doubt your change will require a trans-Atlantic ship voyage, Oregon Trail wagon, or brushing up on your blacksmith skills.  The options available today almost demand that we don't sit in a wallow that makes us a grumpy ogre to everyone around us.    

It can be 
less messy than
you likely think.

In other facets of life, we've got friends who are stuck in a financial mud pit.  Dave Ramsey gets it right when he sums it up as "spend less than you make."  In large part, it is that simple...not necessarily easy, but not complex.  If you're in the "no man's land" where you're struggling to make traction on your financial goals...dig in.  We've made it a point to travel most of the country...with the tradeoff of "if it's free or cheap, we'll do it."  Our second grader will get to his 50th state in a few weeks, with many of the states he's been to multiple times.  While many hit up the Disney-esque version of bigger-than-life everywhere they go, we've had a remarkable time eating sandwiches and playing on dozens of beaches, mountains, trails, cities, and everywhere in between.  The point here is that by right-sizing our expectations, we can get out of "no man's land" relatively quickly.  Whatever size hole you've dug...stop digging...get on the same page...and spend less than you make - invest the difference.  Goals and dreams are right around the corner after that.  

Look for opportunities
to leap...just make sure 
you look before you 
dive in headfirst. 

In our marriage (and the rest of life), the old adage, "nothing fails like success," rings true because we stop doing the things that got us success in the first place...when we become successful, it's easy to fall off.  When we were dating, I was probably, in many ways, more considerate and "exciting" than I am now.  I've grown complacent in some of our dating life since we've been married.  Life can get us to an "overcome by events" mode where we are "pedal to the metal," and the things we take for granted can begin to slip.  In this "no man's land" where maybe you've lost the passion, you need to figure out how to spice it back up.  This could be injecting a date night proactively into your schedule.  It could be holding hands intentionally.  Or going on a walk without the kids after dinner.  It could be a weekend away stay-cation just the two of you.  Like most things, it doesn't have to be extreme or expensive...just intentional and sincere.  

There are great
things after the big
climb...keep going.

"No man's land" is not a place where we want to doddle.  "No man's land" is where we sit for days, weeks, years, decades, and look back to realize we're rusting.  The sparks that lit us up once upon a time have died out.  The person we said we would become back when we had stars in our eyes is a distant memory.  Every day, we have a choice to decide if we're going to "go along to get along" or if we're going to inject intentionality, passion, and peace back into our lives.  It often doesn't take a ton to get us back on the path...usually just a few steps that become a few habits that turn into a new lifestyle, which brings a new trajectory.  Across the different buckets of your life, figure out how to stay fired up...stay in the game. Your future self and those you care most about (and who care most about you) deserve the version of yourself that is resilient and ready for the next day, week, year, or decade.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out an area where you'd say you're in the "no man's land" and list out three actions that you can take this week to start wandering away from the desert where you feel stuck at.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) may be necessary as a family to help move the needle in the direction that you're aspiring to go.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

-  Toby Keith - Don't Let The Old Man In

- Merriam Webster on Purgatory: "a place or state of temporary suffering or misery."  The temporary part is up to you.  Paying dues only works if you're working toward something on the horizon...not just sitting down or wandering in circles.  

10 Years

10 Years

Seasons change, 
better or worse...
that's up to you.

Ten years ago, I wasn't a parent, barely a husband, not a state employee.  I was an active firefighter, search and rescue responder, and non-profit executive director.  Ten years from now, what and who will I be?  How do I learn from the old and prepare for the new?  How do I evaluate my roles through that paradigm?  What regrets will I feel more or less?  Bill Gates is quoted as saying, "Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years."  It is awfully easy for us to get stuck in the "windshield" distance view of our life where we're focused on the immediate zone - day, week, month.  When we get the margin and proactivity to widen our aperture to the 10-year view and beyond...we can set ourselves up for the magic to happen.  

Shrink or 
grow...up
to you.

This isn't to say that you need to or even should try to script out a 10-year plan and lay out every detail.  It is, rather, a reminder to take a look at the longer-term and next-term seasonal big rocks that you want to prioritize.  Will this or that decision set me up better for long-term success in 10-years?  This isn't necessary for every decision...but probably critical for some of them.  Should we stay in this job or that job?  Move to this house (or city) or that one?  Should we homeschool or not?  Should we max out our Roth IRA or YOLO?  When we see our field goal post in the short term, we make different decisions than when we look at the same goal post years across time and space. 

It goes fast...soon you're a 
Grandpa...not a toddler.

These 10-year season buckets can be temporal landmarks, like we have talked about.  You've probably got two periods as a parent with kids under your roof.  What are the things that they need in their backpack to be successfully prepared for the rest of their lives?  You make different decisions about playing a ton of video games or hanging out with your friends, or whatever else, when you use the paradigm of the longer time horizon.  You've probably got six periods from early adulthood to retirement.  You've got maybe two or three chunks where you are retired.  If you're lucky in those, you've done the things to set yourself up for a happy, healthy, wealthy future.  

Humble 
beginnings is
where all 
great things
start.

When our kids came along, leaving the fire department wasn't much of a choice, and while I enjoyed it immensely while I was there, learned a lot, made a difference, etc, it was a no-brainer.  The required minimum each month was 48 hrs a month in the station on shift (as a volunteer), plus training, etc.  Those hours were discretionary time stolen from family (not from my day job work).  Do the math and round it off to 50 hours/month times 12 months equals 600 hours/year.  Do this times the 10 years old our oldest son is, and that's 6,000 hours...of family time (granted, some of those were sleeping hours at the station...but many were not).  6,000 hours in 10 years is the same time that I'd spend working full-time for nearly 3 years (2,080 FTE).  Anyhow, I'm so thankful that for years I had firefighting, I'm more thankful I used that wisdom to not be looking back now and not knowing my kids like too many of my peers in that space.

A lot can happen
in ten years...
from a pole to a 
boat.

In those same ten years since I've been gone, many other firefighters from our little group have come and gone.  Several others are divorced, estranged from their kids, etc.  Not that there is a direct equals sign, but ten years of investment in whatever you're investing is...gets results.  If I'd have stayed down there volunteering, I'd have a few more cool stories, body parts would be a little more sore, and I'd not have so many good memories or invested hours in our marriage and children.  In your life, what is your version of firefighting?  Is it every football game all fall long?  Hunting?  Bowling?  Your phone?  What has been filling your time over ten years?  The time is going to go by one way or the other...at the end of it, you'll just have something to show...to a large extent, you get to pick.  Choose wisely.  

Baby steps
add up over
time to real
capabilities.

I want to circle back to the quote at the beginning about estimating our capacity in a year vs ten and our growth.  Malcolm Gladwell talked in his book Outliers about the concept of 10,000 hours to mastery.  A thousand hours a year.  That's 83 hours a month.  That's about 3 hours a day.  Still sounds like a ton...but do you have three hours a day before/after work to pour into your kids?  How about if you do six or nine hours on Saturday and so forth...it adds up fairly quickly.  Shifting gears, think about work...are you markedly better, with new skills you've developed over the last ten years?  The answer to that is really dependent on how much you've intentionally, deliberately invested over the years.  Not every day, but more days than not.  It'd be easy to be the same old, same old person you were back then...or a much better version of yourself.  

Pretty soon...they're
getting solo.

It's with an important reminder that today is the first day in your next ten-year chapter.  What season of life will you be immersed in by then?  For us, we'll be graduating our youngest and sending him off into the world.  That's a powerful reminder and call to action that time and life are fleeting.  Anything we really want to put in our kids' rocket ship...has to be done in this next season.  If we ignore our marriage...it shouldn't be surprising that we could be in the "gray zone divorce" in ten years.  If, instead, we invest, we'll be heading into the empty-nester years with a lot to look forward to.  Invest consistently over the next ten years...we're looking at a comfortable retirement. Don't...well...working to the grave.  This longer horizon isn't about diet and exercise, missing a single cheat day, but rather winning more often than not. 

Lastly, as it were, it's Easter Sunday as we hit go on this blog post.  Think about your faith life and faith journey...in ten years, will you be closer or further away from where you want to be?  Jesus' impact on our earthly lives...and eternal...all cemented in a few 10-year periods in His time on earth.  As we look at our next ten-year zone, it's an important call to action for us to double down on prayer, church, youth group, small group, and so forth to give our family the firm foundations for lasting success.  As we say goodbye this week.  From our family to yours...Happy Easter...He is risen indeed!

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few parts of life that you want to make meaningful growth in over the next ten years.  Spell out what success looks like in ten years.  From there, start the actions that move you closer to those desired end states.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in the next 30 days that move you closer to where you say you want to be.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Outliers book by Malcom Gladwell