Raising Someone's Husband

Raising Someone's Husband

This is a call to action that, we as parents, have to rise to the occasion.  For us, we've got little boys who will grow up to be husbands.  We hope and pray that someone out there who has little girls is raising them with similar intentionality since they'll grow up to be wives...maybe one of our future daughters-in-law.  As I lay here at 5:30 in the morning with a squishy, snuggly 4-year-old nestled in beside me, somehow that responsibility hit him.  We talk about it, plan around it, and hopefully do more than give it lip service.  As we work on preparing our children for what they'll face in their future life, being happily and successfully married is a key and critical component of that.  It starts with modeling the behavior your hope to instill and working on teaching skills, calling out items that you're looking for, and continuously improving them.  

Responsibilities and 
habits start early.

We talk about "hunt the good" elsewhere here at Family In The Arena and recently we've worked on some of that in a more tangible way.  Generally, we don't do "allowance" but focus on a "commission" (the subtle difference being work=pay, no work=no pay) chore jar.  We've got a set of small items (dried corn, small seed-type nuts, and larger nuts) that live in a candy dish in the kitchen.  When the boys complete a chore or we "catch them doing something good" one of the items moves from the community dish to their mason jar.  At the end of the week, we cash out their jar and pay them a commission.  The reason we dive into this here is an example of "raising someone's husband."  We hope (and hope is not a plan) our boys grow to be selfless, effective, efficient providers who take care of the needs of their families...we can call out what that looks like in a deliberate and proactive fashion coupled with meaningful conversion in the little moments and in summary each week.  You can do something similar by defining "the good" and hunting it...you'll find it.  

Picking flowers starts
early for mom...and
hopefully their future
wife likes bugs
with their flowers.

Another part of "raising someone's husband" is, as Pastor Andy Stanley put it, you have to "be the person you're looking for is looking for."  This simple statement has powerful ramifications that last a lifetime.  Typically this part comes more into play when they're a bit older...but practice makes perfect.  If you're not looking for a mate that epitomizes the deadbeat, couch-potato, videogamer in "mom's basement" don't start practicing on how to be that now.  Work with your sons and daughters on becoming the person that you hope their "future person" will be looking for years later.  For us, we've distilled that down to a few key items and work to help our boys embody those traits - provider, protector, chivalrous, caring, kind, loving, effective, efficient, and so forth.  You can pick out the words that become a way of life and resonate with you...then do that.  

If you're like us, and I suspect you might be if you're reading this...a huge part of the equation to make all this go from the library section of fantasy to biography is through prayer.  Intentional, deliberate, daily.  When we pray we open ourselves up, we become vulnerable, we ask for help, we put out there what we're trying to accomplish, and no surprise, we typically get it.  Prayers are answered and we hold up the girl that will become a woman that God is preparing for our boys.  We also hold up our boys for her...and we ask for guidance and direction for ourselves to help get them ready for that blessing and challenge marriage will present.  

You know, skills...
like important skills
with an axe...and 
other stuff.

Another important part of raising them ready is to help them develop skills and fill roles.  These do not have to necessarily be 100% traditional gender roles but a divide-and-conquer division of labor makes life work.  A person in our circle who lives on a ranch and has some of the most "manly" little boys that you could imagine just enrolled her kids in 4-H activities involving table setting and flower arranging...because, you know, she appreciated that her husband had a softer side.  Look for opportunities where you can learn/teach/grow the pieces of your future kids (and yourself) that are lacking.  

Speaking of that, it's important, perhaps imperative to have skills.  Not only Napoleon Dynamite's nunchuck skills and other cool stuff but those routine things that come in handy through life.  Things like how to fix a toilet, install a car seat, change a tire, or how to ditch the phone and be present.  We had a friend recently who "saved" several thousand dollars on his kitchen remodel because he could drive to the hardware store to pick out and pick up his own cabinets...then turned around and paid several thousand more to install them.  Take a minute and Google/Youtube "how to install a kitchen cabinet"...in about 10 minutes you realize you put them where you want, shim-to-level...then screw them into a stud.  Not sure about you, but my hourly rate dividing several thousand dollars into 10 minutes means I'm going to get busy on Google and pull out our power drill.  Equip your kids with the can-do attitude and broad foundational skills necessary to take matters into their own hands.    

Involve them early,
learn, and bond 
together.  Ready
them for life.

In many ways, this battle is analogous to sports...they won't win the championship in the bottom of the 9th on the 3-2 pitch in marriage.  They'll win or not, with their preparations here in the little leagues and training camps.  You can't "condition yourself" when you're on the bases, all of those prereqs have to have been completed far before...and that's why, far beyond baseball, we have to be intentional and proactive today for our kids.  The years of little habits, minor victories, and battling through failures add up and culminate in young people that are ready to embrace the challenges life will throw at them with humility, grace, and be successful.  The "soft" skills of communication, service, resiliency, responsibility and so many more are developed and honed in the countless micro-interactions throughout their upbringing.  This is how we help ensure we're raising a husband or wife that our future son or daughter-in-law will adore.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• What are three things you need to work on "today" for your kids tomorrow?
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• List out a plan for each of the three things you came up with above (e.g. if you said your kids need more "construction" skills, consider volunteering with Habitat for Humanity or build a tree house or shed).  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Basic Dude Stuff - https://youtu.be/WOd0uSSNSLs 

- 

Feelings...expanded

Feelings Expanded

From: https://feelingswheel.com/

We often discuss our feelings in terms of a black-and-white, or a 1-or-0 approach.  In reality, it's much more nuanced than we often describe it.  It's generally accepted that there are 6 core emotions (fear, anger, surprise, happy, disgust, and sad).  When we stop there, we sell ourselves and our next steps short.  Whether with kids as they move from toddlerhood to pre-school and beyond...or with us as adults, using a rich vocabulary of words to describe feelings is essential to our well-being and those around us.  

Much like the saying "when the only tool we have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail," rings true, our limited naming of feelings begins to look like a problem with a hammer.  In other words, if I can only describe my emotion as "angry" that tends to color my kinesthetic response.  If, instead, I can look deeper at what I'm feeling and actually label it as a more accurate "betrayed or resentful," likely I respond differently, more toward the root cause.  When we get more specific, we tend to be addressing the "disease," not just the "symptoms" so to speak.  

Once in a while, you just need to build
a whole system to best use your wheel.

To view this through our other Ziglar Wheel we can ask ourselves how we feel in a particular domain of
our lives.  We should, hopefully, be using words in the outer circles of the above picture...or beyond so that we can start to identify and move to other parts of the circle that are more in line with where we want to be as a strategic desired end state.  For example, if we view our feelings related to money as "overwhelmed" vs "fearful" we can take steps to move forward such as simplifying or educating ourselves to become less overwhelmed.  In another example, if we ask our spouse how they feel and get "bad" back instead of "sleepy" or "rushed" we can start going down the wrong path toward trying to help find a fix when perhaps we should just be listening and supportive.    

Swinging brings out
so many emotions.
Give it a try soon.

To further illustrate the point, think about the emotions of a baby or a puppy...they really only have a couple of actions to convey feelings (e.g. cry).  As a baby progresses along the development ladder, they get a couple of words (e.g. "me sad").  With that largely open-ended trajectory, it leaves a parent often frustrated trying to play some version of a mash-up between 20-Questions and Charades ("Are you sad because you're...hungry, tired, lost your toy, need a diaper change, or any one of a hundred real or perceived problems).  As we grow up into adolescence and adulthood, how often do we allow our emotions to regress our vocabulary toward our caveman-style brethren?  When asked, "How are you doing?," how often do we respond with a one-word answer (busy, good, okay)?    

The point here is, that, as we've talked about...words matter.  By using rich language, we begin to more accurately describe our feelings (our present state) and then can convey that in ways that help us and those around us better interact.  In doing so, we can also more adequately address the root causes of our feelings in an effort to migrate toward more desired end states.  Again, in an example with money, we may ask ourselves what the desired feelings we'd like to be able to own when it comes to money as compared to the current feelings.  By labeling these intentionally, we can use our reverse engineer planning to start working forward with deliberate action.  

You get what you create.  Fill
your family up with many
rich words to live (and describe)
their best lives.

If you're a convert to this way of thinking, think about unpacking how you can develop a more rich vocabulary by exposing yourself to a more rich vocabulary...and trying out some of the new words.  Read from a new genre, try talk radio on your way home, search for a YouTube video teaching you something you've been curious to learn about, play Scrabble, or just open the Thesaurus next time you're doing some writing.  It seems awkward at first when you start to try out new words...both verbally and in writing...but soon it becomes just the way you do business.  You can (and should) also serve as a role model and coach in this space with your kids.  Instead of accepting a one-word, grunted answer...follow up with probing, open-ended questions (the 5 Why's) to help your loved ones get to a more foundational and honest answer.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Three times in the next week, name your feelings...only using the outer ring of the above chart.  Get in the habit of keeping your words out of the inner ring.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Model rich language and dialogue at home - ask a family question at dinner time, probe with additional questions when you debrief the day, call out "10 dollar words," etc.  
• Challenge yourself to come up with a half dozen more honest and creative answers to the "How are you doing?" question.  Practice using them in your vocabulary and daily interactions.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) regarding feelings.  Think about how you'll help your spouse and/or kids get deeper with their feelings...and better at solving the associated issues.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Feelings Wheel

The Moments that Matter

The Moments That Matter

A field for of
lost moments
that should matter
to all of us.

Each of us, when we look back on our tombstone at the dash between when we're born and when we die is a compilation of a series of big moments/big decisions and a lifetime of the more routine activities.  Often, when those we hold up as heroes are interviewed, the differentiation between them and their peers is surprisingly small..."I was only brave a few minutes longer than everyone else."  We talk a lot about the trends, habits, and systems that allow your Family to Stand In the Arena, today, we'd like to chat about those moments, the individual ones, or individual decisions that likely change the course of your journey in meaningful ways.  

In a lifetime, the combination of the big moments - the quantity time, if you will, add up and become the background beat of who we are, what we accomplish,
and what we leave behind.  For better or worse, those themes or trends in our lives are often punctuated by a small series of individual moments - quality time - that make our lives worth living.  If you picture a river cutting through the rocks to form a canyon, that's what we're talking about with habits and systems.  Throughout the channel of the river though, it'll have big rocks that can't be eroded and the river must bend itself to go around.  Occasionally, the river (and our families) encounter storms that sprint along or change the development of the course we're on.  On one recent flood relief assignment, the river "re-channeled" and now was literally in a different spot, it ran probably 100 yards away from "yesterday's path" through an old track it'd had decades before.  

Maybe your Celestial
Theater may be full of 
balloons. 

For us, we can have those decisions or moments in life that re-channel our journey for the time ahead.  Mitch Albom in The Five People You Meet in Heaven, talked about this concept of sorts.  Who you marry changes the course of your particular river.  What major did you pick in college?  Where did you decide to move to?  Having kids?  Getting out of debt?  Depending on how you answer those questions, your river changes course.  I've got a close friend who described this unknowable future in hindsight as the Celestial Theater, that someday, far down the road, she'll be in heaven and able to look back at the interconnections.  The idea that turning left at this intersection led you here or there vs turning right.  

Once in a while, you
just have to jump over
the boulder.

Garth Brooks's Unanswered Prayers song speaks to this idea that when we look back, chances are the view is different in hindsight than foresight when we're in the moment.  You may have moments where you can look back and see a change in course and the ramifications...but likely most of those moments remain a mystery just under the surface of our understanding.  For many of us, the best-laid plans of our youth, when they go astray led us miraculously to where we are today, whether we could see or appreciate that in the moment.  For me, the plan of serving in the military until I was old didn't come to pass.  The assumptions I'd made turned out to be not quite what I had envisioned.  No matter how painful it was in the moment, now the passing of time and the 20/20 nature of hindsight allow me to see what a blessing that "boulder in my river" was overall.  Had I stayed in, I wouldn't have met my wife, we wouldn't have had two amazing boys, gone on adventures, served in disasters across the country big and small, and so forth.  Those moments that were course-altering have a way of working out for the best...you know, almost like His will is being done, not our own.  

Sometimes you have 
to send your silly dog
into the river to check
it out.

For each of us, it is likely near impossible to plot out every moment of every day, each consequence (intended and otherwise) of every decision, just in case this is one of your moments.  Saying this as lovingly as I can as an over-planner with OCD tendencies...that'd be a terrible way to lead a life.  Obsessing over each decision, each potential "behind Door # 2" would likely leave you as a neurotic basket case, paralyzed with indecision, scared of any possible wrong ending that freezes you in place.  Should you think through your decisions and next steps, especially on big decisions?  Certainly.  Should you obsess over every detail and stay put, rooted in fear?  Certainly not.  

We'll talk more about informed decision-making thresholds but in general, General Patton said it best, “A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week."  Think carefully about those moments that seem to be ones that may "echo" into the future, do your due diligence, and then go do your best life.  Hopefully, when you sit in your version of the Celestial Theater, it all makes sense, the twists and turns that your life became.  Today, focus on the trends, habits, and systems while looking toward the horizon for the big rocks or channel-changing storms your boat is heading toward.  Create an atmosphere where you can have, embrace, and cherish the moments that matter.   

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three moments in your past that you can trace who you are now to those moments.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Talk to your loved ones about how those moments changed your story.  Spend some time talking about the moments ahead that you anticipate changing your trajectory in the future.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) regarding the moments in your rearview mirror and out your windshield.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- The Dash Poem by Linda Ellis

Universal Next Steps

Universal Next Steps

No matter your next step, it
probably doesn't hurt to pack
some hotdogs for the trip.

In our world, at work, at home, and most anywhere in between, we can get stuck in analysis paralysis, positively vapor locked trying to differentiate between good and perfect possible outcomes.  We become too afraid of choosing the wrong action resulting in a wrong outcome and we end up doing nothing.  As Teddy Roosevelt put it, "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."  This one-or-zero thinking, the right thing or nothing is a fallacy in any of our walks of life.  We preach to our new first responder and military leaders that you have to do something...even if it's not perfectly optimized, sitting on the sidelines is not an option.  In life and family, it's not intended to be a spectator sport.  

Even if the path is 
foggy, you can still
take some steps. 

We can, and should, explore "universal next steps" as an antidote to freezing up in our decisions.  In many cases, we can get quite far down a path by taking actions that move us incrementally forward, while preserving options.  Generally, we can get surprisingly far down the chain before we have to prune off options.  This allows us to avoid paralysis when we stagnate because we can't figure out all the steps, the very last step, or even the very next step.  In a finance example, we might be stuck deciding to invest in college, mutual funds, build a downpayment, or any other goals...but a universal next step is setting aside consistent cash.  That one action preserves all of the options and serves as a bit of a prerequisite to any of the options.  Instead of stressing over which comes first, start doing the actions that you need to do while you're weighing the pros and cons of the individual end-state options.  

In another example, can't figure out if you should do public, private, Montessori, charter, or home school?  We can do the universal next steps of reading to our kids, pouring into their educational foundations, and prepping them for success with number/letter/sound/color/shape awareness.  Doing those fundamentals sets the family up for success no matter which option ends up being the right one long (or short) term.  Doing nothing in those years preceding when a decision has to be made sets them up for failure at all of them.  It's been said in a variety of ways, "The best day to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best is today."  Look for the actions that you can do today that ready you for a variety of paths ahead.  Better yet, look for actions that are win-win where you might get closer to several goals with a single action or set of first steps.  

When in doubt, wear a helmet
on your universal next step.

Not sure if you should hike a mountain, run a marathon, or sign up for the upcoming triathlon?  For most of us, simply walking around the block is a great starting step in the right direction.  Chances are, before locking in/committing to a particular course of action (COA) - asking "Are there universal next steps that get us going?" helps us get started.  Generally, we get the action started, build momentum, and "ooch"/course correct as necessary into a more informed decision as we move down the timeline.  Even if you only have a vague sense of where the end zone might lie, we can usually start walking in that general direction and be far closer than if we were sitting on the sideline or our couch waiting for some sign of the exact and only path to come down from on high.  

Maps come in sets
for a reason...you
can get started 
without knowing 
all the steps. 

Not all paths have a universal next step, but when you start looking for them, you'll be surprised how few of the one-or-zero dichotomies you created in your head are truly limited.  If you're stuck, create a rubric in your head that you can weigh potential next steps with or a paradigm that you view your options through.  For us, one of those paradigms has become "most vs now," or in other words, "what do we want right now vs what do we want most."  Applied to finance, kids, work, marriage, or whatever role we embody, this paradigm has helped us delay gratification and often end up with "better" decisions for our future selves.  When you can find alignment with the "now" vs "most" desires and the action brings you closer to your desired end state (short and long term)...that's probably a clue or indicator that you've got a universal next step and you should strongly consider taking it.  If the step is torn between a "now" and "next" conflict, it probably takes some more concentrated study before embarking with investment or action.  

To continue our example, on the road to financial freedom, "making a budget" is a good example of a universal next step.  Instead of getting bogged down in the analysis paralysis of not knowing exactly what to do, waiting for the time to be just right, or being trapped in "perfect as an enemy of good" - just take those universal next steps and run with them.  Get off the bench and get in the game.  Like Nike said, "Just Do It."  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out your "big" top-of-mind goal (or worry) and pick out three universal next steps that you can do in the next 30 days to get a little bit closer to the desired end state.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Get in the habit of doing an action instead of "thinking" long and hard about the next small decision that comes up.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to a next set of steps.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Family Financial Road Map - from Matt at MomAndDadMoney.com, a great set of next steps to help your financial journey.