When It Goes Sideways - Part I

When It Goes Sideways...

Hop on the wagon when 
you need it.

"Out of any adversity are seeds of equal or greater opportunity."  That's a quote from a good friend, and it's an important reminder that we should strive for resiliency.  This means our ability to bounce back stronger because of the stress or struggle of something rough.  The concept is along the continuum of shattering, cracking, surviving, thriving, and so forth.  When a bad day shows up on our doorstep, whatever flavor, we need to try to have our bases covered so that we don't shatter, but rather come out of the situation...in time...stronger for the experience of the struggle.  

Keep moving...even
when the tide goes out.

When we talk about "going sideways," it may take the flavor of illness, untimely death, job loss, home loss, divorce, heartbreak, medical emergency, car crash, disaster, financial emergency, or any other calamity.  There are some preparedness/readiness measures that are pretty hazard-specific and others that are "hazard agnostic" or "all-hazards," as we say in the emergency field.  For our families, the first step is identifying the risks in our environment in order to prioritize and categorize what could happen.  This helps us see the common denominators that can cross-cut where we should prioritize our efforts and investments.  For example, living a debt-free life, beyond the many inherent benefits, makes weathering just about any crisis situation smoother.  

Grab a pool noodle and
ride it out.

There have been countless studies and many blog-type posts about the idea that trees grown in a "lab" setting don't do well.  In order to become the proverbial mighty oak, the sapling tree needs the wind to push on it in order to become resilient.  In other words, the tree becomes mighty, not in spite of the wind...but rather because of it.  Similarly, we're better able to deal with setbacks and speed bumps when we've had some inoculations, or stress-in-small-doses in our past experiences.  For example, a divorce would be crushing...doubly so if you never had the first "teenage breakup."  Never made a "learnable mistake" with finances when you were younger and they were "survivable," imagine navigating a bankruptcy or car repossessions, prepare us for the bigger ones.  

Or hop the canoe to keep
a float.

In the first responder and military circles (and others), you've heard the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and more recently dropping the "D" since it's not a disorder...you went through a beyond belief situation...and you're reacting.  In order to get in front of perhaps the bad consequences or falling down the slope of life because of a traumatic experience, first responders are using Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM).  It employs a peer-to-peer approach with referrals to professionals when necessary.  The idea is that you share the experience and your feelings/reactions to it with a group of peers.  This "breaking of bread" conversation, often around a table, helps us avoid compartmentalizing.  

Learn from the gator or the 
manatee.

In our families, when we're facing stress or a crisis is looming, we too should work on open, transparent communications.  If we've built systems into life for this - dinner around the table, date nights, walks with the family around the block - times when we've said "family communiction is more important than _____," we're better postioned for less awkward interaction and deliberation with our family when it's hectic.  Many of the CISM concepts can be paralleled in home life - dealing with the stress of a new teenager...maybe chat with peers a few years ahead of you who have been through that season of life.  New diagnosis...maybe attend the support group luncheon.   

Bring a friend
or a brother.

When we talk about the negative outcomes of stress, it can manifest in deep dives into our vices - withdrawing, becoming snarky, drinking too much, and many others.  It's been described that over the throughout, we add little bits of water to our proverbial five-gallon bucket.  That bad firefighter call - maybe we add a cup, the near miss of someone running a red light - maybe we add a teaspoon.  The good news is that with healthy coping habits, we can also dip/dump some of that accumulating water out.  Going on a relaxing vacation - perhaps we can remove a cup.  Changing jobs to something less travel-intensive or stressful - maybe we dump half.  Pay off our house - maybe dump half.  Take a walk with our family in the park - maybe dump a teaspoon.  What we're trying to do is avoid the bucket filling and overtopping where we blow up the status quo - divorce, mid-life crisis, new sports car, an affair, suicide, etc.  It's critical to understand how full our bucket is...and more importantly, how we drain it responsibly and safely.  Similarly, keep an eye on (model and check-in) with your spouse and kids on their buckets.  

Sometimes, push
your own wagon.

As we continue talking about the bad things, part of resilience and getting in front of it...and through it...are recognizing that bad things can happen...even if we're doing "everything right."  Bad things do happen...it sucks...but when they do happen, responding to them with intentionality and hopefully some forethought makes the bumpy ride smoother than it would have been otherwise.  This visualization of "what would I do if..." or "how would I respond when..." speeds up our reactionary time when we're hit with some terrible news or dire situation.  That speed and direction (or vector and velocity) help us avoid the cascading or domino-style consequences that will ultimately add to our trouble long term.   

Slow down
when you need.

When we talk about things going sideways, it's important to avoid them going more sideways than "necessary."  With many disasters, we can inadvertently make them worse...catastrophic even...by not slowing down or thinking clearly.  Say that we have a grandma passing away in a far-away state...we can make it worse by putting the travel on a credit card, maybe no-call/no-show at our job, and getting fired, losing our apartment, etc.  I know that's an extreme example, but think about how you keep a bad thing from getting worse.  The whole "throw good money after bad" where we should've cut our losses, but we double down and make something worse.  Think about "how do we stop the bleeding" concept in whatever your situation is...stop it from getting worse...then start working on cleaning up the mess after that.  Prevent the snowball from taking off down the hill...keep it as small and as little momentum as possible.  

If you land on
your head...
wear a helmet.

Lastly, as we talk through this and wrap up this week, I think it's important to include the idea that having faith and thankfulness right sizes the crisis situation.  When we're staring the problem in the face, it can seem overwhelming.  When we think through our heritage and how many sets of parents, grandparents, and so forth had to do what they did for us to be sitting here...that's a lot of crisis and heartache that was overcome.  When we read the Bible, we realize how to overcome trouble and build resiliency.  Similarly, nature (perhaps where you're closest to creation), can help us reset and right size, realizing that we're small...and our troubles are likely smaller...no matter how big they seem in the moment.  

When we come back next week, we'll leave the philosophical/theoretical behind and talk a little more about the practical tips that might help you get through a situation more smoothly.  Know that bad things happen...know that you can survive them...with work and intention...you can thrive on the other side of them.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things that your family can do, philosophically, to be more ready should a bad thing come to visit.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) when it comes to readiness.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Yale Medicine - How To Be Resilient

No Wrong Way to do a Right Thing

No Wrong Way to do a Right Thing

See a bird migration.

And, no right way to do a wrong thing the right way.  This has been a saying that's been around for quite a while.  As we're doing life and raising kids, it's an important thing to remember.  Oftentimes we can get into semantics arguments over right things and wrong things...but most all of us know that some things are right... some things are wrong.  Period.  When we talk about, especially with our kids, choosing the right things, it's also important to talk about the context of how and why.

Get someone to help
pull you.

When we talk about some of these topics, we should include the two halves of (1) - doing the right thing, and (2) doing that particular thing properly.  Stephen Covey talked about this concept as a bit of a difference between efficient and effective.  In his example, we can be climbing a ladder...but we have to make sure the ladder is leaning against the right building.  In our homes, we can do the "right" things like going to church...but doing it right...the "how" to includes paying attention, internalizing, connecting, being genuine, and so forth, are critical.  Thinking through this two-fold approach helps us ensure that we're being true to ourselves and those around us.  

Watch for 
buffalo.

By understanding, unpacking, and verbalizing the how/what/why of a right thing, we can create more motivation and staying power.  We can also connect our "right things" to a larger purpose that helps us keep going in the struggle seasons.  Let's use diet or budgeting as an example - in both, we know that we should stay in moderation and not eat/spend more than we need...so that we build margin.  In both cases, doing the right things like eating/spending in moderation and such should be tied to a "why" - "I will spend less than I make, so that we can go on a family vacation" or "I will eat less than I want, so that I can age gracefully and maintain my health."  

Lead by 
example.

As we continue the above example, the "right way" to save money likely includes a combination of proper accounts, automation to make saving easy, and so forth.  We should also smartly cut expenses that don't line up with our values.  For example, we could cut a streaming service we never use before, cutting off our vacation budget.  That said, at a certain point, any cut (in this example) is a good cut.  By rolling back those pennies here and there, we begin to make good progress that becomes meaningful.  As you make progress, it's important to ensure that you're completing the continued progress in moderation...so that you don't end up in a "too much of a good thing...still being too much."  

Don't spear a whale.

In talking with our kids, we try to reiterate that "you can choose the action...but you can't choose everything that happens after that...including the consequences."  We can encourage them to do the right by making it easier to do than the wrong thing (e.g. put a clothes hamper in their room that they can go dump...instead of tossing it under the bed).  While we can impose (or sometimes just allow) consequences to occur in our laundry example (e.g. you'll be the stinky kid), at the end of the day, if they're having clean clothes (end state), the tasks don't really matter.  As we go through these sorts of conversations, look for teaching opportunities to create a parallel between taking care of your t-shirt and taking care of your car, house, family, eternity, and other critical items.  

Keep
walking.

As we talk about doing the right thing, and facilitating the habits of both doing the right thing...and doing the right thing the right way, it's important to teach good risk management.  In the size-up of a particular situation, if we've built the habits and how-to muscles that become autonomous, we build trust in those around us...and in ourselves.  A few years ago, a family acquaintance was talking about their graduating senior with "we're excited to see what he's going to do with his life."  It wasn't a "he has a plan," or "he's going to do A, B, C, etc." (it doesn't really matter what the A, B, or C were...but the lack of a plan was telling).  Fast forward a few years, and the poor kid is facing prison time for a series of bad decisions.  

Climb a tree.

I don't want to overdramatize the above example, but I do want to tease out a couple of possible lessons.  Had the kid (and the parents helped create) a muscle memory/lifestyle of doing the right things...the right way...he likely would have been able to stand up to the peer pressure and push back on the thousand little items that led him to the big thing he's in trouble for now.  We, as parents and adults, owe it to our children to not only model but to create an environment where we can try (and fail - don't shelter them) doing the right things the right way.  By creating (or allowing) consequences by not bailing kids out, they learn that doing the right thing...the right way, simply makes life easier.  

Scaffold for success
when needed.

In the Art of Manliness, host and author Brett McKay talks about the idea of how life turns out pretty good...if we just avoid a few of the big mistakes.  We don't actually have to make every decision, or even necessarily, most of them correctly.  We just have to not make the bad decisions on a few big things.  Don't marry the wrong person...don't overbuy the first house...don't pick a low ROI college major or career field...and so forth.  When we do the wrong thing, no matter what the reason is or whether we knew it was the wrong thing at the time...we still have to pay the consequences.  

See the sunsets.

As we wrap up...doing the right thing matters, both in the moment and long term.  It doesn't matter so much how we do the right thing, but that we did the right thing.  When we repeat the "right thing(s)" often enough, it becomes a way of life, and our life becomes pretty solid.  Best of luck on the journey of raising kids and modeling how to do life the right way.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple things for your family to consider this week on doing the right thing.  Talk about what the challenges are and how to overcome them.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of doing the hard (right) things.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Fulcrum Article

Habitual Ruts

Habitual Ruts

Overcome rut
obstacles.

We tend to associate ruts with a negative connotation...that's not necessarily accurate.  Much like the drive to familiar places like work/church/school/groceries, we routinely go on "autopilot."  Similarly, our ability to walk through our home in the dark, neural paths that become ruts allow us to be more efficient.  If we had to think through each task we do, every single time, we'd turn into basket cases.  As you're thinking through the systems that you employ in your life...consider what we can put onto the habitual ruts to create progress.  

Ruts can be made
to be useful.

Some parts of our life are more conducive to the benefits of habitual rut.  When we think about things like budgeting...we can do things like automatic transfers, automatic payroll investing, and other things that become the "fire and forget" automation.  Similarly, with our calendar or to-do list we can leverage technology to make our ruts deeper.  Proactively adding a calendar check-in/family meeting allows us to make that touch point weekly as a habit...not when the proverbial dumpster is burning down.  Our habitual ruts allow us to get to the Covey Q2 (not urgent, but important) tasks and slide from response to prevention.  This intentional, proactive work means that we're less likely to have a continuing series of "crazy-cycle" encounters by getting out in front of them and avoiding the root causes.  

Start early.

We were at the Guernsey, WY Oregon Trail ruts a while back and it's a powerful place to stand and look at the physical ruts.  Those repetitive wagon wheels rolling over the same piece of ground...150 years ago are a reminder that ruts can help us build upon those before us...and do better.  Instead of wandering aimlessly or dangerously across the wild west country, the trail and corresponding ruts allowed subsequent travelers to more easily, quickly, efficiently, effectively, and safely navigate a wild place.  Those ruts, at the beginning, were a few small tracks through the grass...now, sort of, those "ruts" have turned into a railroad and interstate highway system that has transformed our world.  

Ruts (and water)
can do amazing
things.

As you unpack some of our family roles, can we build some "how-to parent" ruts by volunteering to babysit, coach a Little League team, or help out with kid care at church?  Chances are, if we're intentional and proactive, we can likely avoid the bumps on the horizon.  When we're looking to make a career change, we can likely find an internship/volunteer opportunity that gives us a few small ruts to figure out if we want to invest the time/energy/resources to build an entire "road system."  For example, during grad school, we had a classmate who had finished her dental degree...only to realize she didn't like doing dental work.  Long story short, she was transitioning to administration stuff (not in health care).  Had she perhaps made a little rut before doubling down on a doctorate degree...life might've been smoother.  

Go see the 
physical ruts.

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear lays out the idea of habits as systems.  By taking the small habits and "stacking" them, we can create a more useful system/network that enables us to do some great things.  When we talk about a system, those habit ruts can be powerful.  Let's use an example of physical fitness - some of the ruts might include putting our water bottle and shoes by the door to get up first thing and take a walk/run.  Another rut might be getting into the habit of every time a commercial comes on or a streaming episode ends, you do 10/20/200 (you pick) pushups and put the TV on mute.  Similarly, we can make a habitual rut in healthy eating by not going to the grocery store hungry, shopping with a list, staying on the outside loop (not in the aisles), and getting veggies instead of ice cream when you're not in a moment of weakness.  

They can lead to
beautiful places.

Another benefit of habit ruts is that they create a certain momentum that leads us closer to who we say we want to become.  For example, with faith, doing prayers at dinner, talking about the Bible, going to church, and so forth creates a rut that then makes us a faithful person.  Getting out and doing adventure with kids when it is cold, they're tired, and it's generally a pain in the butt, eventually create adventurous people who do adventurous things.  The cool thing about the rut is that the habit of, say, outdoor adventure, is that we'll likely have our kids grow up to be a next generation of adventurous parents who raise adventure kids, who become adventurous parents...and so forth.  The small ruts you start now can compound and cascade decades into the future.  

Get a carry if you
need it.

Part of the idea of ruts is that we can use them to look forward to where we're going...but also backwards to where we've been.  This can be particularly important and empowering when you're in a season of struggle.  When you look at the rut/paths/people who came before you...and think about the repetitive nature of ruts necessary to be in place to get you to where you are often helps to right-size our perception of the struggle.  Think back, say 10 generations...you had 2 parents, who each had 2 parents (up to 4), who each had 2 parents...when you get to 10 generations...we had to have had 2,048 people all "survive" or thrive to make it possible for us to show up.  Looking back down those ruts can help us remember who we are (our values, heritage, and so forth).  They can help us overcome the fears, frustrations, and struggles we're facing.  

Sometimes they
split different
ways.

As we broaden out with ruts...we can also have them be negative.  If we have a habitual rut of coming home, kicking off our shoes, turning on the TV, and becoming a couch potato...we have to work to "drive" out of that rut.  The first part of doing so is noticing we're in a rut...and the rut is on a trail that will take us where we don't want to go.  It's important every so often to spend some introspective time evaluating where your current trails are taking you (and your family).  If we aren't tickled with where our small habits are going...we can then take actions to create new habits.  For example, if you spend too much money...long enough, we call it bankruptcy.  Instead, we can look at what causes us to spend money (e.g. I always stop for coffee when I drive by the ABC store).  In unpacking it (highly recommend you read Atomic Habits for more details), perhaps we take a different route (rut) to work to break our trigger/catalyst.  

Create some 
new ruts.

Lastly, as we depart our discussion on habit ruts, it's important to remember that when we're in a rut, the days tend to blur together.  Get up, go to work, go to sleep - repeat.  The days become a gray oneness.  Instead, by injecting some novelty into our lives (trying something new), we can distort our perception of time.  When we do a "honey do" weekend, it seems pretty seamless with the rest of our week.  Instead, if we do something new like a long weekend trip, staycation, or other novelty, when we get back to life/work on Monday, it feels like we've been gone a month.  In a perfect world, you create a habitual rut that adds novelty to your life as the status quo.  This doesn't have to be particularly costly or even take a ton of time - go to the concert in the park, have a picnic over lunch, go stargazing...the idea is to inject novelty intentionally and regularly.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of "bad" habits and a couple of good habits that point to where you want to go.  Now, this week, take a few small actions to minimize/delete a bad habit or create the beginnings of a rut for a good one.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of recognizing ruts and getting into/out of ones in your life.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- James Clear Discussion

Do it Scared...Part III

                                                  Do It Scared...Part III

Grab your net
and get going.

Wrapping up our series on "Do It Scared," we want to get to the "do it" part.  We've talked about some thoughts on fear and what stalls us out.  We've also talked a little bit about the benefits of "doing it anyway."  Today, we'll talk a bit about how we overcome our fears to get across the finish line.  Hopefully, the series has unpacked for your family what you're scared of (even if you wouldn't have described it necessarily that way) and how to "do the thing" to live a fuller life.  

Just slide
down.

One way that we can get past our fears is to take small steps or small doses of our particular fear.  For the more tangible fears like heights, you could work your way up - playground, ladder, sit on the roof, etc, until your fear starts to get under control.  In the more theoretical, if you're worried about having kids, consider doing small steps like volunteering to watch kids at church.  Worried about buying a house, consider volunteering at Habitat for Humanity to get a better sense of being an informed consumer...or go to about a zillion open houses so that you get a good sense of price and value.  

Go try out the 
scary lava tube.
Just say "yes."

Another way to knock down your fear is to shine a light that helps cast out the shadows.  Often, most of what we "think" we're afraid of is actually uncertainty.  By shining light into the dark places, we can see more clearly what is there...that clarity helps quash the fear.  Some of the "light" can be through learning more about our particular fear - read a book, pray about it, watch a video, ask AI, listen to a podcast, go to coffee with someone who has been there before.   Chances are, in today's day and age, your particular fear or problem isn't one that is particularly novel.  Nor is it likely that there is a lack of information on the topic...perhaps too much info or noise that you have to distill.  Chances are, though, with a little intentional study, you can shine a light and get a sense of what you need to learn to drive out the unknown and consequently, the fear.  

Bring your 
dog with you.

As it comes to the "do it" part...you can give yourself inoculations that ultimately make you immune, or at least competent in the face of the fear.  Say that you're scared of the dark...take a flashlight with you and sit in the dark house...escalate it to the back yard...then try the park down the way.  As you work your way up, try a night hike where you're watching the stars.  The point is, like stair steps, bumping up until you're capable of working fully in spite of your fear.  When you get practiced at seeking out your fear and engaging in it, you'll notice that other things you were scared of will lessen as well. 

Don't get blown away.

Lots in patenting that is unknown.  Some are actually fearful.  Do it anyway.  We talk about adventure and raising our next generation of adventurers.  Climbing mountains, rafting rapids, or skiing down the big hill are all potentially fearful.  Transitioning toddlers to teenagers can be full of times and situations that cause us worry.  Similar to the "shine a light on it," we can often push out the unknown and tamp down the fear.  Hopefully, people in your circle (and certainly those outside of it) have done any wild, adventurous activity...and successfully raised competent adults.  Chances are, they had fearful moments, good news is, that they overcame that...didn't give into it.  You don't have to either.  

Public speaking...
might be your thing.

Before we leave this series, one more item of note - don't entirely ignore the fear.  Our body's fear reaction is an important sanity check on what we're about to do.  This doesn't mean we embrace or ignore...it means we evaluate what our body is trying to tell us...and working through it.  We may need to mitigate the risk by making good decisions, slowing down, adding training or protective equipment.  As we work through our fears, don't jump out of a plane without a parachute...but, perhaps consider taking training, equipment, and so forth to jump out.  Whatever example applies to you...deliberately evaluate the risks, ask "why" you're feeling fearful, address the fear...and do the thing.  

We can 
build our
anti-fear
muscles.

As we depart, I'll leave you with a saying we had at jump school, "Stand in the door."  This was the mantra, rallying cry, and first step order in getting in the airplane door...to jump out.  We spent time in the ground school part that pushed us through our paces and went over every contingency until the responses were second nature.  When we got up on our first jump and the jump master opened the door - the rush of air, noise, and fuel smell filled the aircraft.  The first person to "stand in the door" realized that the cars below were Matchbox size, and then they disappeared into the windstream...gone in an instant.  At the moment, inherently fearful...every single person "stood in the door" and jumped.  Fear...and courage...are both contagious.  With you and your family...be courageous...get the ball rolling in the face of fear...and ride the momentum to a fuller life.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a couple of the fears you've thought about the last few weeks and pick out one.  Now pick three actions that are going to make you "do the thing" that you haven't.  Repeat.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of being scared - go do the small things...then the big ones.

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Fear, Is a Liar with Zach Williams