Parent the Child You Have

Parent the Child You Have

Hurricanes are not good...avoid them.

On a deployment to Hurricane Harvey in 2017, what was supposed to be a contingency assignment..."back up Corpus Christi in case it goes pear-shaped, but you should be home by Friday."  In hindsight, we probably should have heard the background soundtrack of evil cackling "mu-hah-hah."  As you may know, the rest of the story Harvey became America's second most expensive storm and biggest rainstorm ever, soundly centered over the Houston metroplex...and there we were.  The head of our national organization in what has to be one of the greatest pep talks of all time told us on a conference call as it became clear what we were in for, "We're going to fight with the army we have, not necessarily the army we want."  So began a month of crazy operations wrapped in chaos and heartbreak...and heroes.  In the middle of that response, I flew home to find the gender of our second child, then back a day later for a field promotion to run one of our sections...so much for the "army we have."  

It may not be 
heliskiing down
Everest...but it's 
what we have...
and that's enough.

As we go through life, in much the same way, the same advice can go for our reality, "Parent the child you have," "Love the spouse you have," - how often do we see parents or other married couples parenting/loving the child/spouse "their neighbor has?"  In other words, how often do we see a parent try to relive their glory days or live vicariously through their child's experience?  Or compare the neighbor's _____ (style, looks, fitness, cooking, etc) to our own spouse?  The Andy Stanley dating advice, "Be the person you're looking for, is looking for" applies to our home lives, perhaps especially after we're married and have kids.  The old "be the change you want to see in the world" applies inside our four walls.  

Homeschool has its
perks, like skiing 
on a Tuesday.

I have a co-worker who was going on about how our boys are doing so well with homeschooling and
life in general.  Another said, "I wish my kids could be more like yours.  Not all of us can afford homeschooling" with a putout, snotty tone.  What she wasn't saying or admitting is that she wanted the results but not the sacrifices.  She drives a brand new car and lives in a brand new house, both objectively far "nicer" than what we have...but "can't afford" to homeschool.  The reality is, she chooses not to homeschool, then makes excuses about it.  In other words, she's created the child she has, but says she wants the results of someone who took a different path.  That's all good when we wish we were taller, smarter, stronger...but it's devastating when we (A) aren't willing to put in the work/make the changes, and (B) when we then compare our loved ones against some artificial standard.  You can't eat cake all day every day, and expect to be a champion marathoner...life is all about tradeoffs and opportunity costs.  

The line between embracing who your child/spouse is - their strengths, weaknesses, interests, and such - and who they "need" to become is a tough one to navigate.  We owe it to them to help them progress through the skills necessary to live up to their potential.  We shouldn't conflate that to mean that we must micro-manage and route clear (helicopter parent) to our desired end goal for them.  The quintessential example of forcing our "nerdy" kid to be the "quarterback I never was" is an easy one to glom onto.  When we think about the "needed" preparedness elements for our kids, it's important to really focus on "who" not "what" we/they desire to become (think things like kindness, integrity, competence, provider, and so forth more than some specialty skill like "throw a ball well").  

This season won't look like 
the last or the next, neither 
will your loved ones.

This idea of "present and future" is important to think about seasonally as well.  We have a family friend who was pretty adamant, "I don't do babies, I'll interact with them when they can walk and talk."  His insistence on this meant he was largely unplugged for the first couple of very formative years for his children.  Similarly, we didn't take a vow to love our spouse "when it's convenient," we promised an unconditional "in sickness and in health," George Strait kind of love.  This means that when our spouse or child is in a tough season, we need to lean in, not away.  It's too easy to find parenting/loving our loved ones inconvenient, uncomfortable, ugly, and lean away when the seas get rough.  For this season, this is the spouse/child we have...period...dot.  You promised to love them - who they were, who they are, and who they're becoming.  Don't shirk the actions to fulfill that responsibility.  

They're not 12
sport varsity
athletes, neither
am I.  That's ok.

As we think about the "child/spouse we have" vs the "child/spouse we want," it's important to realize much of that change is on our shoulders (or at least I hope you have that kind of involvement/ influence in their lives).  Chances are, you and your spouse aren't the people you each married...you've both grown and evolved in the years/decades since you tied the knot (the girl I married was a snowboarder, not a mom, now those have switched).  That also means that you'll not be the same person a few years from now that you are reading this.  The good news is, that whether it's you, your spouse, or your child, we can mold the "who we become" along the way.  This process is seldom overnight and it shouldn't be done without some intentionality at the helm.  

As we talk about changing, a "pre-req" or "optimum word" in this premise is "parent"...not "friend" the child you have.  If your kid is a "gamer" who has lost all social skills and dwells in the basement seeped in unproductivity...you need to be a parent...not a friend.  Similarly, in your relationship with your husband or wife, the relationship and the evolution may require "what needs to be said/done" not what the other person "wants to hear."  On a recent Ramit Sethi clip (I'll Teach You to Be Rich fame), a couple was being interviewed and the husband had been keeping their debt level a secret since "she wanted nice things."  They'd been living the life lie they wanted, not the life they had.  Instead of cutting expenses, increasing income, or the other basics to change their circumstances closer to their desires, they doubled down and now had dug a combined several hundred thousand dollar hole.  In trying to protect her/them, he/they sunk them.  

You're there 
for who they 
are, not what
they are.

Parenting the child we have or loving the spouse we have is, in part the unconditional call to love them.  It is also part of the responsibility to help shape our/their shared future toward positive, desired end states.  We can love the child we have (ours wants to be a pirate, but we have to have the foresight to steer those instincts) while helping mold and shape the actions necessary to become the right "who" down the road.  The delicate balance of "loving our pirate" while also steering him into something more productive long-range is a needle to thread carefully.  We can pour into the positive characteristics of piracy (adventure, great music, snappy clothes) without embracing or encouraging the not-so-good (the whole "rape and pillage" thing or lack of bathing habits as examples).  We can love the pirate, while using our experience as adults to steer them positively forward.  You can extrapolate what this might mean in your home, but love is a verb, it's not passive, and sometimes because we love someone we say/do the hard, awkward, or unpleasant and necessary things.  

Ultimately, through love, we can help those in our inner circle become better versions of themselves.  In reality, we're called to help them do so.  Take some time to talk to your loved ones about their desired end states, then invest the time, energy, and resources into helping cross those finish lines together.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that you love about your spouse and each child.  Tell them why that is.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Have a conversation about how you can help ensure that your loved ones are moving closer to who they desire to become and remind them that you love them now...and then through your words, commitments, and actions.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) changes in your home as it relates to loving who your loved ones are...enough to accept their choices and help them move toward those "what does success look like" desired end states.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Love Does by Bob Goff

- "True happiness is wanting what you have."