Past, Present, Future

Past, Present, Future

Do the hard
things now...
it pays off.

For most of us, part of our calling in life is to leave it better than we found it...to set our children up for a better life than we had.  That's an admirable goal...one that we're aspiring to ourselves.  One that is worthwhile, bigger than ourselves, and worthy of the sacrifice of the hundreds of ancestors who came before you and paved your way. The problem is, in trying too hard, we can accidentally cripple our children.  Too often in this space, we subscribe to the wrong half of the "give a man a fish vs teach a man to fish" part of the adage when it comes to parenting.  In The Millionaire Next Door, authors Thomas Stanley and William Danko give alarming facts about the "economic outpatient care" that goes on in America.  I'd guess, it's only gotten worse since the book was released, but would encourage you to read the stats...and the book at large.  

Even when 
confusing, 
keep going.

It starts when they're little - we're doing our children no favors when we starve them of bumps/bruises and shelter them from any form of pain or failure.  In the moment, it may feel like the right thing to help them avoid the need for band aids.  In the long term, we inadvertently create spoiled, fragile adults - I think very few of us set out with that end state in mind, but unfortunately, many of us get there.  It's likely better, probably far better, to have our children break an arm climbing the tree...than to never climb a tree.  It's far better to crash your bike...than never ride a bike.  Better to, as Garth Brooks says in The Dance, chance "I could've missed the pain, But I'd had to miss the dance."  We're doing no favors in sheltering our children or holding them up...when they're not able (or more likely willing) to stand up.  

Build your own
helicopter if needed.

On the flip side of helicopter parents, I've seen folks get so wrapped up in their current life and ego...usually with work...that they sabotage their children and their future.  The "first generation" rich cohort has been long studied in this phenomenon...they're willing to do the work, put in the time, make the sacrifices necessary to "do the thing."  This is well and good, but often in "doing the thing" they forget to teach their children how to do the thing...or rather, how to be the type of person who will do the thing.  I don't know how many people in our circle we've seen end up with kids that resent their parents because "the thing" was more important than they were growing up, or kids who are pretty useless as adults, in spite of pretty professionally solid parents.  

Mimic what 
works well. 

Before we had kids, we sat down and made a list of "who was really winning" and a few stages ahead of us.  The list of who we admired, wanted to emulate - we dissected the "what specifically about them" was it that we could "copy/paste" in our marriage and parenting or other roles.  There wasn't a ton of overlap between those "killin' it in business" and those that we said, "that's who we want to be like in our parenting."  Now, fast forward a decade, one person comes to mind in the, "man, they're kids turned out great" category...but the person is a pretty terrible boss/leader.  Another, very "emulate-able" in terms of our shared profession, but wowzer...I wouldn't want to trade kids.  

If you're going to be
a helicopter, at least
be a cool one.

As we try to unpack and track what makes those around us successful and balanced, we try to keep an eye on the people with the traits in kids that we want our kids to be like.  In other words, what is the recipe (or at least, what are the ingredients) that others are winning the cooking competition with.  As we ran through some case studies for this article, it seems like there is a high degree of Venn diagram overlap between the group of "killin' it at work...not so much at home" and the "failure to launch" group of people.  As we circle back around to the "economic outpatient care" from Stanley and Danko, we've got adults in our circle who are not standing on their own two feet.  Fortunately, we're still early enough in our parenting journey to learn...and hopefully, course correct in our own home before it's too late. 

Say no and 
save up for
the priorities.  

I've got a former co-worker who, their family, all-in is probably making close to $300,000/year...in a fairly low cost of living area...and recently she confided in a mutual friend, that with the government shutdown (mind you, it's only 10 days old at the time of writing this), that "she probably can't make her mortgage payment this month."  Meanwhile, she was just showing off her fancy new $800 blender.  Her children are learning the "buy whatever I want" habits, but knowing her kids, they're not destined to go into fields necessary to support this "I want it now" lifestyle of consumption.  Macro size that attitude and enable it with endless credit card offers and no shocker, our country is in trouble, the unsustainable, long-term sort of trouble.  

They're counting on YOU to 
get it right...don't let them down.

Before this post rattles off too far into the doom and gloom, holier than thou lecture.  I'll wrap it up with a reminder that "You," yes, "Y-O-U" can change your family tree.  You can be the one person, today, this very day, that starts living the way that your great grand children look back on and go, "that was when our lineage changed."  It's easy, so easy, to get wrapped into the hustle, bustle and go-along-to-get-along river-like momentum of raising children.  We look up from rowing our boat down the river and realize we're a decade into it...and we're far down the river.  Our oldest just turned nine this month...he's halfway to "out of the house."  It's really forced us to contemplate, "is he halfway being ready to be out of the house?"  

Don't tell mom 
about fireworks  
even on sale.  

As we wrap it up, let this be a cautionary road sign along your journey to say, when you look back in a hundred years, "will the decisions you're making today, be the ones that helped or hurt, enabled or disabled, your grandchildren's children?"  Are we building the kind of kids that are ready to take on a dynamic, crazy world?  Are we setting the balanced example that provides for their physical needs...while still having enough left in the tank (and be willing to pour into) their emotional, spiritual, educational, and other needs?  If so, "kudos and high five." If not, let today be an exit ramp on your version of Tim McGraw's Next Thirty Years to leave you with one more country music classic.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things you can do today...in the now...that provide a present to the generation of great great grandkids that'll come along long after you're gone.
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) of creating kids who grow up to be adults who don't need "economic outpatient care."  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Economic Outpatient Care by the White Coat Investor

- National Library of Medicine Failure to Launch