So What, So That

So What, So That

So often, we go through life talking about or floating from one "what" to another "what" without ever really stopping to think about why we're doing the "what" or where we hope the series of "what's" get us to.  Life can be more full and fulfilling when we ask ourselves "So what?" and answer with "So that."  When we get to these deeper levels of questions, hinting at the "why" we're doing the thing, it helps us ensure we're doing the right things in pursuit of the right directions...a motivating thing to be sure.  Since leading and raising a family, like any other great journey starts with a single step, it's important to make sure those steps are the right ones.  

A "big why" makes any so what easier.

To bring efficiency and effectiveness to our otherwise disconnected series of "what's" we first have to start asking ourselves "So what?"  This serves as a gatekeeper for us to take those individual items and invest our scarce resources (time, attention, finances).  This introspection of our tasks helps us be more efficient in weeding out some of the menial tasks that we talk about as Q4 items in the Eisenhower or Covey Matrix, or those that are neither important nor urgent.  

In asking ourselves why we're doing what we're doing, then answering them with a "so that..."
statement, we dive even deeper and double down on the important activities.  This simple shift in words-matter language that we use to tell ourselves can be a might inspiration.  As an example, I've had a season of life recently where work was pretty rough.  By only focusing on the "what," in this case work that was tedious, demoralizing, and utterly bureaucratic for bureaucracy's sake, I was getting burned out.  By asking these questions, and then honestly digging deep for the answers, I reoriented my paradigms to pull me through the season.  

I do this, so they can
do that...

In answering the "I go to work because...it takes good care of my family and enables a lifestyle that is pretty amazing."  In digging deeper, "I go to work so that my wife and kids can have an amazing 9-5 weekday schedule, living their best life punctuated with amazing evenings, weekends, and vacations each year."  Further talking through the "so what, so that" language, "so what" helped me get out of the victim mentality where I was focused on seeing the negative aspects of life and letting them color the rest of the very positive pieces - good salary, solid benefits, short commute, little required travel, good co-workers.  From the victim space, it'd be easy to shortsightedly throw the "baby out with the bath water" and start over when the proverbial grass isn't likely better on the other side of the fence.  Without asking "so what, so that" questions we could quite likely end up in a much worse overall situation.  

Using these questions in our daily lives helps change our paradigms or the lenses that color our worldviews.  Approaching household chores with the "so what, so that" flavors our interactions.  "I make choices because my wife loves me.  I'll ________ (take out the trash, mow the grass, put the kids to bed, etc.) tonight so that ________ (my wife can have some downtime, get a break, or do something meaningful to her).  Instead of coming at the situation from a woe-is-me perspective, we can come at it from a foundation of gratitude when we ask and answer the so-what/so-that questions in our heads.  

SAR is on the job...sort of...

Similarly, we can translate or change our units of measure to get to a "so what, so that" paradigm shift.  For example, from a financial perspective, translating a purchase you're considering into how many hours it takes to earn it can help our decision-making process.  When we say that a new "widget" costs 20 hours instead of, say $200 after-tax dollars, it may help with our "so-what."  Further translating that into how many "hours" off of our retirement date with compounding interest (say 25 days... compounding is the 8th wonder of the world).  Now, with our "so what" better clarified, we can make a more informed decision.  Obviously, not every decision requires a "so what, so that" analysis, but the more we practice doing these, the more it becomes second nature.  

The rescue went well...
until Mom said we 
couldn't keep it.

In perhaps the most stark and dramatic manner, the mission of many search and rescue (SAR) teams, namely the famed Air Force Pararescue is "These Things We Do, That Others May Live."  The implication reinforces the seriousness that we're willing to trade our literal lives for their literal lives.  At our homes, hopefully, the trade isn't so stark, but we can glean the lesson, "I put down this phone so that I can focus quality time with my spouse and kids."  Most of our home examples likely pale in comparison to a literal trading of life...but hopefully we're doing the trades so that our biggest "why's" and end states come to pass.

Long story short, with our families, it's important to live intentionally and by asking introspective questions, habitually, we can better shape our present actions in relation to our future desired end states.  Ask and answer the "so what" and "so that" questions to help us reframe our decisions so we're sure we're standing in the right arena, and doing the right things.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things that you've struggled with (finances, diet, TV, phones, workaholic, etc) that you can reframe your paradigm with so what, so that thinking.  Write out a few key changes
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) personally, as a family in so what and so that at home.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Start With Why - by Simon Sinek

- So That Others May Live - JaxVellex

Don't Step Over a Mess

Don't Step Over a Mess

...or, you can just 
be a belly button
monster at dinner.

In a fire class, I had an instructor who put it this way, "If you put out the fire, you don't have to jump out the window."  In other words, if we get good at prevention or mitigation, we don't necessarily have to respond or recover.  Around the house, this may mean that if we just pick up the messes as we go, we don't have to devote time to clean them up later.  This may take the form of putting dirty dishes right into the dishwasher, carrying dirty laundry down to the machine, or picking up trash/toys/stuff instead of stepping over them.  By taking care of the little things straight away, we likely avoid arguments and become better family members/partners to our family.  

Creating a mess
can be fun.
Annual eat off
the table night.

Many of us have a "honey do" to-do list that we keep around our homes.  In theory, if we get good at just doing the small things instead of putting them off for either (a) later in the day/week/month, or (b) for our spouse to take care of, we're not being particularly helpful or fair.  If you haven't heard it before, marriage isn't a 50-50 proposition, it's both of us giving 100%, 100% of the time.  Me filling the dishwasher or washing machine is just fine.  My wife catching the occasional lawn mowing or snow shoveling, again, just fine.  We have the chores that both of us gravitate toward or avoid, but in general, there's harmony in our house when any of us (kids included) see-it-fix-it as we go about our days.  In the vein of "only touch it once," we can just do things right and completely the first time.  For example, instead of opening an email and reading it, then marking it unread to come back to...just blast out a reply.  Instead of carrying the dirty clothes to the foot of the stairs, then later to the landing, then again, later downstairs, and on the fourth, fifth, or sixth touch of the clothes pile actually get them into the washer - when the hamper is full...do the load.    

Don't make a mountain out
of a molehill unless you can 
get a sled ride out of it.

We've tried implementing a few systems and processes in our home to help us avoid the deferred"chores" or maintenance activities.  One such tool has been a Countdown to Adventure to-do list that we keep on the fridge during the week and if it's empty as we go into the weekend, we'll do some guilt-free adventure as a family.  That's far more motivating to catch whatever chore when we get home from work on a Tuesday, knowing that we're knocking it off for our later selves.  We've also made a to-done list where we'll copy completed items over to show what all has been accomplished (I'm task-driven enough, that I may or may not have added things we've done to the to-do list just so we can cross them off...allegedly that is).  Additionally, we've implemented a "nut jar" commission system where the kids can earn acorns in a mason jar throughout the week for doing chores around the house or "caught you being good" activities that they can cash out weekly at family night.  

The shovels don't
live in the hall
closet...usually.

We've also tried to create "don't step over a mess" systems through little rules.  A few examples include, "If it takes longer to write it on the to-do list than to just do it...then just do it."  We've also tried posting to-do items in a prominent and public place in the house to hold us just a little more accountable than a sticky note on a busy counter.  Lastly, we've had some success at having a "junk" drawer in a hall closet with a few basic tools.  Instead of skipping a project because we'd have to run out to the tool bench in the garage, we've got a fix-it solution three steps from our kitchen area.  Lastly, if an item has been on the to-do list for more than three months we either do it that next weekend...or cross it off the to-do list entirely.  

If you don't want to 
make your bed, you
can always move into
a tent on the porch 
for the summer.

By keeping up on the little things, our "messes" tend to stay little.  In Eat That Frog, a productivity book by Brian Tracy, he advocates doing the "worst task first" to gain some momentum.  Admiral (and Navy SEAL retired) William McRaven talks about making your bed first thing, again to gain some momentum with something small to start.  In our dirty dishes analogy, you've got to get some gumption to get started if you're staring at a whole kitchen full of filthy dishes.  If, instead, you have a dirty dish...do a dirty dish and never let the big mess snowball like an avalanche, we stay on top of our problems.  This analogy can move to the less tangible realms of life.  

Instead of letting little problems fester into big ones, take time to clear the air occasionally.  I had one mentor in the fire service who ended up divorced and described that last year as "I couldn't stand how she chewed her (insert expletive) food."  We have to take time to not step over the mess in our relationships and let baggage build up emotionally, spiritually, healthwise, etc.  Bad news doesn't age well and just because we skip our annual physical doesn't mean we can double down on eating sweets for the rest of the year.  Take accountability and don't let your mess in whatever part of your life turn into Godzilla when it starts as a cute little lizard (if lizards of any size can be considered cute).  

Our construction
foreman was 
sleeping on the
job...regularly.

Finally, by not stepping over the proverbial messes, we don't let them grow in our own minds.  We bought a fixer-upper house and after mostly tearing it apart and rebuilding it, I'd left the trim off of a few rooms.  Somehow, despite moving walls, doing some re-wiring, tearing out carpet, installing wood floors, painting everything, and de-popcorning the ceilings...those few pieces of trim just grew in my head.  Similarly, putting a light in the living room ceiling sat on a to-do list for several years.  When we finally got around to doing it, the whole project took less than an afternoon.  By keeping our problems small, we don't get in our own heads and psych ourselves out of productivity.  

As we wrap up, doing the little things consistently well becomes how we do the big things...consistently well.  By owning the processes and systems in our homes...work, churches, communities, etc., we over time create a "pride and ownership" that becomes bigger than ourselves and ultimately leaves the world better than we found it.  Get in the habit of not stepping over the little messes...that's a great first step to meaningful, lasting action and habits.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three ways, this week, you're going to stop stepping over a mess (physical, spiritual, emotional, health, etc).  Figure out how you can make a habit or system for your family to automate it.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Think about a "mess" that you habitually step over at work/school/church/home/etc.  Now talk about how you're going to (today) address it instead of stepping over it.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to "rules" for your home that help you keep molehills instead of making mountains.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Eat That Frog  by Brian Tracy

- Pride and Ownership

Crazy Like Us

Crazy Like Us

Rappelling off the roof
may be crazy to some,
to us, screen babysitting
for sure is.

There's a certain reality that hit us the other day - we're all crazy.  Perhaps different flavors, degrees, or dysfunctions, but at a certain level, we're all a little crazy.  Part of this recognition came from some post-family visit drives where the conversation started, "Your parents are crazy," then, "Well, so are your parents."  In unpacking that a bit, it became clear that we're all crazy in our own little ways whether we recognize or admit it or not.  This isn't an indictment that "crazy is bad" necessarily, but a call for asking the introspective question of "How are we crazy?" and the follow-up questions, "Is it a bad thing?" or "Do we want to change anything?  

In spending some intentional time thinking about this whole topic, a few things became clear.  Crazy might be in the eye of the beholder.  It may also be defined as "anything we're not doing."  In our example, we've followed Dave Ramsey and his financial teachings...and it works.  Therefore, at some level, those who are more subscribed to the more mainstream finance seem "crazy" to us.  We also work on items that prepare our family for future activities that may be on the horizon...for us, "non-preppers" become a little crazy for not being ready for future uncertainties.  Don't travel and expose your kids to lots of novel experiences - we'd probably brand you crazy.  

Driving across the country 
for a donut, likely crazy...
but probably worth it.

On the flip side, if you're a person who has a zillion-dollar mortgage, car payments, and who gets take-out every night on the way home...you probably think we're crazy.  For you, for us, for all of us...crazy is okay as long as we're good with it...and it doesn't impact others around us.  When crazy becomes dysfunctional is when it drives a wedge between you and those in your circle...even then, sometimes it's worth creating separation for your immediate family's health from other breeds of crazy in your circle.  Also, it's not great if your flavor of crazy is eating people...that's objectively nuts and you should avoid doing that.  

Letting a kid run a 
chainsaw - solo=crazy.  
Teaching=competent
adult down the road.

Part of what spurred this whole line of thought was a series of people saying some variation of "I didn't think life would turn out this way," including our 4-year-old about his homeschool schedule.  The discrepancy between our expectations or norms and our comparison is where we start to label something as crazy.  Often, this comparison is a 1-to-1 value judgment of "they are crazy, not me."  Other times, we are painting with a broader brush against a societal norm in comparison (e.g., the prevalence of credit cards in spite of the 20% interest charge).  There's also the very wider environment of doom scrolling and social media algorithms where we can dive down the rabbit hole and come to believe the entire world is inherently nuts and we're soaked in divisive content to make us scared and angry.  

Giving up the comforts
of home to cook a
weenie - not crazy.

No matter what "scale" of crazy you're comparing yourself to, any of them often create a wedge, an us-vs-them mentality, and don't help us in building community.  When we view ourselves as solely sane compared to those around us, we tend to become insular and self-righteous.  In the words of Garth Brooks, Going Against the Grain, it's sometimes important to be outside the herd, perhaps more so now than ever before as society seems to be going off the rails in so many ways like Babylon of ancient times.  It's also important to put aside some of our differences and seek a middle ground to build communities and tribes as well.  In a recent church example, two leaders got into it over some minor differences, each feeling the other was "crazy" and it resulted in dividing a church into two camps, and ultimately two churches...both pointing fingers at the other side.  The forest was missed for the trees...both leaders let "they're crazy" in a few tiny ways overshadow the, "we're all in this for praising God" mission statement.  

Riding a bull=crazy.
Riding a friend's 
horse=cool. 

Lastly, we got to thinking about how "crazy" can be a temporary state.  As Dr. Emerson Eggerich put it, we can get into a "crazy cycle", doing the kick-the-dog stuff with our loved ones.  Similar to the above, it's important to ask "Are we/Am I crazy?" and "What am I going to do about it?"  One way to address this may be to carry a post-it note and fill it up every day with reasons you're thankful for your spouse and family when home feels like a zoo.  When you look for and seek the wonderful things in your life, you'll notice them more often and cultivate them.  It's also important if you're in a crazy season (toddler, sleep training, potty training, new job, moving to a new city, etc.) that you give each other grace, over-communicate, and be patient.  

All of this to say, crazy happens.  It surrounds us.  It is us.  We need to realize we're probably crazy and unpack how/why we're crazy.  It's important to make intentional changes if we don't like what we're seeing or becoming.  Go do life in the ways that get you closer to your desired outcomes and end states...even if others brand you crazy...it's a good thing.  Just be sure you're conscious and intentional in your crazy.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Do a "crazy audit" where you sit down with yourself, your spouse, and your immediate family and ask the questions - "how are we crazy?"  Write down your answers and then ask the follow-up questions.  List out three reasons you're family is "crazy."  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Follow up that conversation with a "now what/what's next" conversation and some concrete action steps or doubling down on those chosen actions, even if they feel crazy to others (e.g. paying off your mortgage early).  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to "crazy" comparisons to others, society, or seasons.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Dr. Emerson Eggerich's - Crazy Cycle

Welcome to Family In The Arena

Welcome to Family In The Arena

Welcome to our "how we do life" movement, or as we're calling it Family In The Arena.  We've been a fan of many Teddy Roosevelt works and principles over the years - the strenuous life, travel, and sacrifice summed up with the Man in the Arena poem printed and displayed prominently on one of our walls.  This poem has helped guide and steer our family's decision-making and raising of our children.  We hope that the posts and content here help inspire your family by generating meaningful conversations for you and yours that shape where you're heading.   

Planning is a 
process we can 
get better at 
with practice.

As we unpack the expectations of what you'll find here at Family In The Arena it is the intentional, meaningful, proactive, strategies and tactics to live your best family life.  In the intersection of what we perhaps have talent, interest, and a need in the world we came up with a couple of buckets or themes from our family to yours.  The three buckets in the description above make up Family In The Arena.  Raising Adventure is our sort of "so what" around our mission statement/vision for how we raise our family - adventure being central to that.  In our observation, in many ways, screens are polluting if not outright killing adventure, especially in our upcoming generations and Raising Adventure is an intentional pushback.  

You'll notice a theme here...
we cook a lot of hotdogs.

Plan Fam is a sort of "how to" movement and set of tools to help you be more efficient and effective in your "what" and "why" through intentional living.  FIRE for Adventure is a bit of an enabler regarding financial systems that allow you to push back on the status quo and really live your best life without the financial yoke around your neck that society tells us is required adult attire.  

The sentiment conveyed in Man in the Arena was one of the overlapping circles in our discussions.  From there, we worked on variations that matched our lifestyle...we're in it as a family.  The idea of "stand" became an active participation...anyone can "sit" and watch from the sidelines...regardless of your ability, you can certainly take some meaningful actions (or more likely series of small, progressive actions), to get where you're going.  

Go explore the 
places you call your
arena.

Our name comes from Family being the team you're doing life with.  And you can define your Arena, both the ones you're presently standing in and those you desire to stand in down the road.  Chances are, you'll likely end up having to ignore the critics in all the parts of our work.  When you're working on strategic planning for something, we often start with the strategic level mission/vision/values, then dig deeper to find the buzzwords, tools, and systems to enable the high level of success you desire.  To that end, the happy luck of URL availability combined with a catchy name aligned to bring you Family In The Arena as a movement.  We hope you leverage the tools here on the site and use the content/blog articles as a weekly reset or re-centering where you look toward and re-orient to your North Star.  Like most things in life, you'll get out what you put in, so use the articles to provoke thought, but more importantly, dialogue in a meaningful manner with your loved ones.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Think about the calls to action that you would like to see from our Family In The Arena community and let us know in the comments below.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in terms of your interaction with this - discuss at dinner, date night, don't just read it and let it float out of your head.  We've both missed the boat in that case.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

-   StandInTheArena.com or FamilyInTheArena.com.  

It's all OODA, baby...

It's all OODA, baby...

Dogfighting needs OODA
especially when Batman
is on the other team.

Observe, Orient, Decide, Act - what fighter pilot guru Col John Boyd put together was the OODA loop.  His theory stated that the faster a fighter pilot could get through the "OODA Loop" cycle, or at least faster than his dogfighting opponent, the more likely he was to return to base at the end of the day without involving a parachute as a means of transportation within the journey.  Whether or not we know or recognize it, we "OODA Loop" countless times every day, many automatically and without conscious thought.  Take driving for example, in a microsecond after a car cuts us off in traffic, we observe it starting to come into our lane, orient (in time and space) if it will hit us, make a decision, and act by hitting the brakes or swerving.  

Messes are part of life...so
is our response to them.

In family life, we can take the OODA Loop concept into a more thoughtful and active (vs reactive) base and apply it to our spouse and kids.  I'm guilty, like most of us are, of split-second replies or reactions that I might regret when the emotion of the situation fades.  I'm getting better, through practice and intentionality of "thinking" through the OODA loop in those tense moments.  Take, for example, the other day, one of the kids spilled a glass of milk on the floor.  The initial reaction is to turn it into an emergency and loudly react, likely shaming the kid for an accident.  If, instead, we condition ourselves to take a breath, observe the problem (spilled milk), orient with context (it's no big deal), decide to encourage them to be independent with cleaning up, and act (ask if they need help cleaning up), we turn a minor inconvenience into a teaching moment.  

Other scholars and practitioners over the years have put various spins on OODA or intentionality within "crisis" situations.  Some have quantified the "faster than the enemy" OODA loop process through the study of reactionary gaps.  The old "slap my hand" game where one person holds their hand out above the other person and sees who is faster is a quick study in the action-reaction curve.  Almost categorically, action beats reaction every time.  We can condition ourselves to shorten our reactionary gap through intentional study and practice.  A Navy SEAL or Green Beret is going to respond more rapidly than a street cop in a city, who will, in turn, respond more quickly than you or I to a random act of violence or a bad guy.  

It's serious when
a firefighter's 
bellybutton pops
out.

In recent years, some of this study has been summed up in the Recognition Primed Decision Making (RPDM) that has been applied to first responders and military members.  Gordon Graham does a great job explaining this phenomenon to a group of firefighters.  Essentially, RPDM states that when you encounter a new situation, your brain scans the "slide deck" of previous experiences, looks for a match that it can apply (the Orient of OODA), makes tweaks to the model, and helps you find a solution.  It can obviously do this more quickly when you've got a wide set of slides to choose from or when the pressure is low (high frequency and low risk).  We get into trouble when we venture into unknown territory...that is dangerous (low frequency and high risk).  We compound our potential to make bad decisions when we don't have much time to "think it through" (discretionary time).  

Applying RPDM to family, hopefully, you don't have much in your proverbial slide deck related to divorce, untimely death, cancer, bankruptcy, or any of those items...that's the goal anyway.  The downside of your charmed life is that you likely don't have many of the warning signs that give you "time to think it through" and often fall into the low-frequency, high-risk buckets if or when they do occur in your life.  We can, however through intentional training (reading books, watching videos, attending seminars, proactive/preventative therapy, etc.) build our slide deck of warning signs.  We can also "rip off and replicate" checklists or plans for when those bad things hit so that our slide deck has been rehearsed so to speak...or when we can rely on the tool and not have to even look to our mental slide deck.  

Protecting your castle and 
those most important is 
a high calling.  
Take it seriously.

Take, for example, an untimely death situation.  They happen all too frequently and all too fast.  You or your loved one heads out for groceries, misses the stop sign, and that's that.  It happens.  Most people, especially young people with young children haven't thought through the myriad of decisions that have to be made ahead of time or in the moment.  Overcome by grief and emotion, the chances of missing a dotted-I or crossed-T that has costly, long-term ramifications is high.  Not only is our slide deck empty (no similar past experiences), but our ability to clearly work through the OODA loop(s) is also diminished by our tragedy.  If, instead, you had talked about what to do in the eventuality of that crisis and can more objectively work through the steps on a paper is huge.  

Have a plan for
stormy weather.

As you depart this post, consider times in your family life when you can "take a breath and OODA" more intentionally instead of more emotionally.  Also, take a minute to think about what would fall into your "high-risk, low-frequency, no discretionary time" situations as a family and how you can get in front of those...before you're neck deep in them.  We hope that your family arena is never visited with a crisis where you have to RPDM and OODA...but if or when the "gray sky day" pushes into your beautiful blue sky life, you'll hopefully have a few more tools to more gracefully and efficiently rise to the occasion.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three hazards that you need to consider, then download/create/copy-paste/etc a checklist or other resource into a shared location (e.g. untimely death plan and getting paperwork/insurance in order).  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Practice one of your peril-situations through a "table top exercise" where you talk through the situation, ramifications, and necessary next steps - write those down, visit the document and conversation annually.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) regarding your family and, let's say, untimely death preparation.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- RPDM with Gordon Graham

- Chanel Reynolds Get Your Shit Together

Raising Someone's Husband

Raising Someone's Husband

This is a call to action that, we as parents, have to rise to the occasion.  For us, we've got little boys who will grow up to be husbands.  We hope and pray that someone out there who has little girls is raising them with similar intentionality since they'll grow up to be wives...maybe one of our future daughters-in-law.  As I lay here at 5:30 in the morning with a squishy, snuggly 4-year-old nestled in beside me, somehow that responsibility hit him.  We talk about it, plan around it, and hopefully do more than give it lip service.  As we work on preparing our children for what they'll face in their future life, being happily and successfully married is a key and critical component of that.  It starts with modeling the behavior your hope to instill and working on teaching skills, calling out items that you're looking for, and continuously improving them.  

Responsibilities and 
habits start early.

We talk about "hunt the good" elsewhere here at Family In The Arena and recently we've worked on some of that in a more tangible way.  Generally, we don't do "allowance" but focus on a "commission" (the subtle difference being work=pay, no work=no pay) chore jar.  We've got a set of small items (dried corn, small seed-type nuts, and larger nuts) that live in a candy dish in the kitchen.  When the boys complete a chore or we "catch them doing something good" one of the items moves from the community dish to their mason jar.  At the end of the week, we cash out their jar and pay them a commission.  The reason we dive into this here is an example of "raising someone's husband."  We hope (and hope is not a plan) our boys grow to be selfless, effective, efficient providers who take care of the needs of their families...we can call out what that looks like in a deliberate and proactive fashion coupled with meaningful conversion in the little moments and in summary each week.  You can do something similar by defining "the good" and hunting it...you'll find it.  

Picking flowers starts
early for mom...and
hopefully their future
wife likes bugs
with their flowers.

Another part of "raising someone's husband" is, as Pastor Andy Stanley put it, you have to "be the person you're looking for is looking for."  This simple statement has powerful ramifications that last a lifetime.  Typically this part comes more into play when they're a bit older...but practice makes perfect.  If you're not looking for a mate that epitomizes the deadbeat, couch-potato, videogamer in "mom's basement" don't start practicing on how to be that now.  Work with your sons and daughters on becoming the person that you hope their "future person" will be looking for years later.  For us, we've distilled that down to a few key items and work to help our boys embody those traits - provider, protector, chivalrous, caring, kind, loving, effective, efficient, and so forth.  You can pick out the words that become a way of life and resonate with you...then do that.  

If you're like us, and I suspect you might be if you're reading this...a huge part of the equation to make all this go from the library section of fantasy to biography is through prayer.  Intentional, deliberate, daily.  When we pray we open ourselves up, we become vulnerable, we ask for help, we put out there what we're trying to accomplish, and no surprise, we typically get it.  Prayers are answered and we hold up the girl that will become a woman that God is preparing for our boys.  We also hold up our boys for her...and we ask for guidance and direction for ourselves to help get them ready for that blessing and challenge marriage will present.  

You know, skills...
like important skills
with an axe...and 
other stuff.

Another important part of raising them ready is to help them develop skills and fill roles.  These do not have to necessarily be 100% traditional gender roles but a divide-and-conquer division of labor makes life work.  A person in our circle who lives on a ranch and has some of the most "manly" little boys that you could imagine just enrolled her kids in 4-H activities involving table setting and flower arranging...because, you know, she appreciated that her husband had a softer side.  Look for opportunities where you can learn/teach/grow the pieces of your future kids (and yourself) that are lacking.  

Speaking of that, it's important, perhaps imperative to have skills.  Not only Napoleon Dynamite's nunchuck skills and other cool stuff but those routine things that come in handy through life.  Things like how to fix a toilet, install a car seat, change a tire, or how to ditch the phone and be present.  We had a friend recently who "saved" several thousand dollars on his kitchen remodel because he could drive to the hardware store to pick out and pick up his own cabinets...then turned around and paid several thousand more to install them.  Take a minute and Google/Youtube "how to install a kitchen cabinet"...in about 10 minutes you realize you put them where you want, shim-to-level...then screw them into a stud.  Not sure about you, but my hourly rate dividing several thousand dollars into 10 minutes means I'm going to get busy on Google and pull out our power drill.  Equip your kids with the can-do attitude and broad foundational skills necessary to take matters into their own hands.    

Involve them early,
learn, and bond 
together.  Ready
them for life.

In many ways, this battle is analogous to sports...they won't win the championship in the bottom of the 9th on the 3-2 pitch in marriage.  They'll win or not, with their preparations here in the little leagues and training camps.  You can't "condition yourself" when you're on the bases, all of those prereqs have to have been completed far before...and that's why, far beyond baseball, we have to be intentional and proactive today for our kids.  The years of little habits, minor victories, and battling through failures add up and culminate in young people that are ready to embrace the challenges life will throw at them with humility, grace, and be successful.  The "soft" skills of communication, service, resiliency, responsibility and so many more are developed and honed in the countless micro-interactions throughout their upbringing.  This is how we help ensure we're raising a husband or wife that our future son or daughter-in-law will adore.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• What are three things you need to work on "today" for your kids tomorrow?
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• List out a plan for each of the three things you came up with above (e.g. if you said your kids need more "construction" skills, consider volunteering with Habitat for Humanity or build a tree house or shed).  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action)

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Basic Dude Stuff - https://youtu.be/WOd0uSSNSLs 

- 

Feelings...expanded

Feelings Expanded

From: https://feelingswheel.com/

We often discuss our feelings in terms of a black-and-white, or a 1-or-0 approach.  In reality, it's much more nuanced than we often describe it.  It's generally accepted that there are 6 core emotions (fear, anger, surprise, happy, disgust, and sad).  When we stop there, we sell ourselves and our next steps short.  Whether with kids as they move from toddlerhood to pre-school and beyond...or with us as adults, using a rich vocabulary of words to describe feelings is essential to our well-being and those around us.  

Much like the saying "when the only tool we have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail," rings true, our limited naming of feelings begins to look like a problem with a hammer.  In other words, if I can only describe my emotion as "angry" that tends to color my kinesthetic response.  If, instead, I can look deeper at what I'm feeling and actually label it as a more accurate "betrayed or resentful," likely I respond differently, more toward the root cause.  When we get more specific, we tend to be addressing the "disease," not just the "symptoms" so to speak.  

Once in a while, you just need to build
a whole system to best use your wheel.

To view this through our other Ziglar Wheel we can ask ourselves how we feel in a particular domain of
our lives.  We should, hopefully, be using words in the outer circles of the above picture...or beyond so that we can start to identify and move to other parts of the circle that are more in line with where we want to be as a strategic desired end state.  For example, if we view our feelings related to money as "overwhelmed" vs "fearful" we can take steps to move forward such as simplifying or educating ourselves to become less overwhelmed.  In another example, if we ask our spouse how they feel and get "bad" back instead of "sleepy" or "rushed" we can start going down the wrong path toward trying to help find a fix when perhaps we should just be listening and supportive.    

Swinging brings out
so many emotions.
Give it a try soon.

To further illustrate the point, think about the emotions of a baby or a puppy...they really only have a couple of actions to convey feelings (e.g. cry).  As a baby progresses along the development ladder, they get a couple of words (e.g. "me sad").  With that largely open-ended trajectory, it leaves a parent often frustrated trying to play some version of a mash-up between 20-Questions and Charades ("Are you sad because you're...hungry, tired, lost your toy, need a diaper change, or any one of a hundred real or perceived problems).  As we grow up into adolescence and adulthood, how often do we allow our emotions to regress our vocabulary toward our caveman-style brethren?  When asked, "How are you doing?," how often do we respond with a one-word answer (busy, good, okay)?    

The point here is, that, as we've talked about...words matter.  By using rich language, we begin to more accurately describe our feelings (our present state) and then can convey that in ways that help us and those around us better interact.  In doing so, we can also more adequately address the root causes of our feelings in an effort to migrate toward more desired end states.  Again, in an example with money, we may ask ourselves what the desired feelings we'd like to be able to own when it comes to money as compared to the current feelings.  By labeling these intentionally, we can use our reverse engineer planning to start working forward with deliberate action.  

You get what you create.  Fill
your family up with many
rich words to live (and describe)
their best lives.

If you're a convert to this way of thinking, think about unpacking how you can develop a more rich vocabulary by exposing yourself to a more rich vocabulary...and trying out some of the new words.  Read from a new genre, try talk radio on your way home, search for a YouTube video teaching you something you've been curious to learn about, play Scrabble, or just open the Thesaurus next time you're doing some writing.  It seems awkward at first when you start to try out new words...both verbally and in writing...but soon it becomes just the way you do business.  You can (and should) also serve as a role model and coach in this space with your kids.  Instead of accepting a one-word, grunted answer...follow up with probing, open-ended questions (the 5 Why's) to help your loved ones get to a more foundational and honest answer.

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Three times in the next week, name your feelings...only using the outer ring of the above chart.  Get in the habit of keeping your words out of the inner ring.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Model rich language and dialogue at home - ask a family question at dinner time, probe with additional questions when you debrief the day, call out "10 dollar words," etc.  
• Challenge yourself to come up with a half dozen more honest and creative answers to the "How are you doing?" question.  Practice using them in your vocabulary and daily interactions.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) regarding feelings.  Think about how you'll help your spouse and/or kids get deeper with their feelings...and better at solving the associated issues.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Feelings Wheel